MJ:"Hello there fans and welcome to
another edition of Monday Night Mayhem!"
(Once again fireworks shoot from the ringposts and explode above the ring.)
MJ:"We are live here from the Gaylord Entertainment Center in Nashville, Tennessee! "We are only one week away from the spectacle that will be USCW Memphis in May! What a huge event that will be with Sniper taking on Captain Caveman for the World Championship and the huge Triple Threat Tag Team Match for the World Tag Team Titles. The Immortals versus Sweardog & The Lineman versus the newly formed team of Colossus and "Hard Hitten" Marcus Whitten. Joining me once again is Earl Backwater."
Backwater:"Both of those matches will go down in USCW history, but let's not look past tonight. There is some great action on hand this evening as well. We have the debut match of The Crippler. We have a big time grudge match between Secshun Ate and The Lineman. We have a preview of Memphis in May as Sweardog takes on Hades. And last, but certainly not least, we have a No-DQ First Blood match between "Hard Hitten" Marcus Whitten and The Big Shot. I'm going to enjoy seeing The Big Shot bleed tonight."
MJ:"Just because your new buddy Whitten is fighting doesn't mean you have to suck up to him."
Backwater:"I don't know what you're talking about."
MJ:"You rarely do."
(The theme from Scarface starts to play as El Presidente and The First Lady walk out from the back and make their way down to the ring.)
MJ:"Looks like we will be hearing from El Presidente to start things off tonight."
(The two climb into the ring and El Presidente grabs a microphone.)
El Presidente:"Everyone has seen that I have made a personal challenge to Thunderbolt Lightfoot for a match this Sunday at Memphis in May. I have asked Commissioner Baxter to make this match and I am here tonight for my answer. What's it going to be? Baxter, come out and give me my asnwer."
(A few seconds pass before "Crazy Train" kicks in and Baxter walks out to the top of the ramp with a microphone.)
LSB:"Well, well, well. Look everyone. It appears we have a vigilante in our midst. He asks for a match, and instead of patiently waiting for me to finish up with my incredibly busy schedule, he first attacks Lightfoot with a sledgehammer and then throws verbal barbs at me. ME! I don't know who you think you are but if you think you are going to come out here and intimidate LSB, you're sadly mistaken. I've stared down and beat down badder men than you. And I have half a mind to come down there and slap that stupid looking smirk off your face right now."
(The crowd pops with anticipation at this comment.)
LSB:"Now onto the matter of a match with Lightfoot. I understand that the big Injun damn near decapitated you a while back. And I understand that probably doesn't sit well with you. So here is what I'm going to do. Since the two of you are so fond of sledgehammers, we're going to have a "Sledgehammer match". A sledgehammer will be suspended above the ring. The match will run just like a normal match. Pins, submissions, all the same as before. Except if you get a hold of the sledgehammer by using a ladder to get it, you can use it. And it won't cause a DQ. You and Lightfoot in a Sledgehammer Match at Memphis in May!"
(The crowd cheers widly for this annoucement.)
LSB:"There. You happy? So long as you understand one thing. The "Law of The Land" may be the law of El Presidente. But the law of the USCW is made by yours truly. Got it?"
El Presidente:"I'm happy the match is done. I will put an end to Lightfoot in this league once and for all. As for you, make the matches we ask for and you won't get on our bad side. Because that's nowhere you want to be."
LSB:"You are already on my bad side. And trust me, that's nowhere anybody wants to be."
(Baxter gives a lingering stare to El Presidente, than tuns and heads for the back. El Presidente sneers before climbing out of the ring and making his way to the back.)
MJ:"So big news from the commissioner. El Presidente will take on Thunderbolt Lightfoot at Memphis in May in a first of it's kind Sledgehammer match. "
Backwater:"A match where bashing someone with a sledgehammer is perfectly legal. That is sure to deliver plenty of drama."
MJ:"Well fans, we are ready for our first match of the evening. Making his USCW debut will be The Crippler. Let's take it down to Cindy Maxwell for the introductions."
CM:"The following contest is set for one fall. Introducing first, already in the ring, weighing in at 250 pounds, "Iron" Mike Sharpe!"
(Sharpe runs and bounces off the ropes to warm up.)
CM:"And his opponent, weighing in at 295 pounds, The Crippler!"
("I Love This Bar" by Toby Keith plays as The Crippler emerges from the back and makes his way down to the ring.)
MJ:"That's a little different for theme music than we're used to around here."
Backwater:"Hey, maybe The Crippler is a good ole boy. With no Country Pimp around any more, we need some more of that."
MJ:"They are both in the ring now and we are underway. Quickly The Crippler closes the distance between the two and locks Sharpe up with two arms around him. He lifts him up and over with a big belly to belly suplex!"
Backwater:"Lots of power there, and some pretty solid technique."
MJ:"The Crippler is waiting for Sharpe to get up now and when he does, The Crippler nails him with a running clothesline!"
Backwater:"That was all power. And very effective."
MJ:"The Crippler is picking Sharpe up now. He loads him up onto his shoulders and spins him around and slams him down with the F5! Here's a cover.
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3!!! The Crippler wins!"
CM:"Your winner, via pinfall, The Crippler!"
MJ:"The Crippler makes short work of "Iron" Mike Sharpe. Hopefully we will see more good things from this youngster in the future."
Backwater:"We'll see. The jury is still out."
(Suddenly the theme from Chariots of Fire starts to play and as Athena and Artemis come out and make their way to the ring. They get into the ring and get a microphone.)
Athena:"I'm sure all of you saw earlier this week when Apollo discovered he was going to be on the show "Pimp My Ride". Well, as a special treat tonight, they are going to unveil the results right here live on Mayhem. Apollo, come out so you can see what your chariot looks like now."
(Apollo appears at the top of the ramp. He gets a good angle and looks up at the Jumbotron.)
Artemis:"Alright, here we go."
(The theme music for MTV’s Pimp My Ride begins to play in the background as a video clip starts to roll. But instead of being the show, On the Jumbotron you just see Apollo’s chariot sitting in an empy field. Then within seconds it explodes into a million pieces. Apollo flinches hard as the explosion sounds off. Apollo’s two sisters are shown in the ring with horror on their faces. They talk to each other with suprise all over their faces. After a second the video changes to Sweardog and the Linemen helping out the crew’s pyrotechnic specialist wire the chariot for detonation. The camera focuses in on Sweardog.)
Sweardog:"Hey big guy. Nice ride, or at least was a nice ride. When I heard you were going on the show, I called up a friend of mine from MTV and convinced him to start a new show. A reality show where people think they are on Pimp My Ride and really they vehicle is destroyed. They give you the money back for the car your lose. But don’t worry, I took the money this piece of shit was worth and donated to a charity you can appreciate- the National Erectile Dysfunction Foundation. Hey, I’m sure you’ll have fun shopping, slapdick. Happy hunting.”
(The scene flashes back to the explosion with the new show’s theme music replaying in the background and the jumbotron fades to black. Apollo looks furious as he quickly heads into the back. His two sisters slide out of the ring and start to run after him.)
MJ:"Wow, the chariot of Apollo is no more as Sweardog was part of a conspiracy to blow it up!"
Backwater:"How lame is that? Who would you say McKrackin's fanbase is made up of MJ? My guess is pre-teen boys who have yet to discover that they are indeed gay. His maturity level and sense of what is and isn't cool never ceases to amaze me. And even though he was slightly discourteous to me here recently, I hope Hades rearranges Sweardog face tonight."
MJ:"You just shouldn't comment on Sweardog at all. Your ridiculous personal vendetta gives you bias against everything he does. It's sad really."
Backwater:"I just call it as I see it MJ."
MJ:"Right. Ok. Next up, fans, is a fight that has been brewing for a while. The Lineman felt he should have been in the World Title Tournament ahead of Secshun Ate, and has yet to completely get over it. He wants to use tonight to demonstrate his point.
Backwater:"But Secshun Ate was impressive in the tournament, knocking off Sweardog and giving the Caveman all he wanted. And let's not forget that since he is eating regularly, he is steadily gaining weight."
MJ:"We'll have to see out it turns out. Cindy, take it away."
CM:"The following contest is set for one fall. Introducing first, at 395lbs, The Lineman!"
("Wanna Be a Baller" by Lil' Troy plays as The Lineman walks out onto the ramp and then down to the ring. He has a very serious look on his face as he walks down to the ring.)
CM:"And his opponent, weighing in at 160lbs., Secshun Ate!"
("The Ghetto" by Too Short starts to play as Secshun Ate struts out from the back with Downtown Jimmy Brown.)
MJ:"This one has been brewing for a while and should be a good one."
Backwater:"I'm not sure how Secshun Ate can compete in this one. There is just too much of a size advantage for The Lineman."
MJ:"The bell has run and we are underway. The Lineman immediately charges over towards Secshun Ate who immediately ducks out of the way and rolls to the outside."
Backwater:"Well, here we go again. Secshun Ate uses the hit and run strategy, except he usually leaves out the hit part."
MJ:"The Lineman doesn't look like he is going to put up with it. He chases Secshun Ate to the outside. Secshun Ate runs around the corner and rolls back in the ring. The Lineman rolls in behind him and Secshun Ate catches him with a kick to the face as he rolls back in!"
Backwater:"There's the hit part!"
MJ:"Secshun Ate is laying the boots to The Lineman right now. He bounces off the ropes and drops an elbow across the throat of Lineman. He goes for a quick cover!
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No! The Lineman launches Secshun Ate across the ring with his kickout!"
Backwater:"May have been a tad early for a cover there. The Lineman looks like he has plenty of gas left in the tank."
MJ:"The Lineman is back up quickly and corners Secshun Ate! He is wailing away on him with right hands! Secshun Ate crumples in the corner."
Backwater:"Oh boy, I think things are about to get interesting! Look at the ramp!"
(Down the ramp comes streaking the Bum Squad, complete with Squeegees and Windex once again.)
MJ:"In the ring, The Lineman is picking Secshun Ate up and leaning him up in the corner. It look like he is about to go for the Blitz!"
Backwater:"The Bum Squad just jumped up on the ring apron. It look like they are asking the ref for money!"
MJ:"Two of them are. One is panhandling in the front row while another is climbing into the ring! One of the Bum Squad is in the ring! He just ran up to The Lineman and sprayed him in the face with Windex! Then he got out of the ring quickly."
Backwater:"The Lineman is stunned! Secshun Ate is back at himself now and he rolls Lineman up from behind! The ref turns around to see it!"
MJ:"The ref starts a count!
1
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2
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No! The Lineman squirms free!"
Backwater:"And the Bum squad doesn't look happy about it! All four of them have rushed the ring now and are spraying Windex all in the face of The Lineman!"
MJ:"They are doing it in plain sight of the ref. He is calling for the bell!"
CM:"Your winner, via disqualification, The Lineman!"
MJ:"The bums have helped pick The Lineman up. And now Secshun Ate nails him with Poverty Stricken! He is trying to slam him down with the WIC Slam but is having trouble! All four Bum Squad members are helping now and there it is, the WIC Slam!"
(From the back comes running Sweardog. As he slides into the ring, Secshun Ate and the Bum Squad scatter out of the ring.)
Backwater:"These guys crack me up. Now they quickly head to the back after jumping The Lineman five on one."
MJ:"The Lineman is up now and from the look on his face, I don't think this little fued is anywhere near over."
(Sweardog and Lineman make their way to the back, soaking up the cheers along the way.)
MJ:"Sweardog and The Lineman will definately be the fan favorites headed into the Triple Threat Tag Team Championship this Sunday at Memphis In May."
Backwater:"Yeah, but they wo.."
(MJ cuts him off.)
MJ:"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Let's take it down to Cindy and get this next match underway."
Backwater:"Such hostility."
CM:"The following contest is set for one fall. Introducing first, weighing in at 290lbs and accompanied to the ring by Persephone, Hades!"
("Iron Man" by Black Sabbath starts to play as Hades emerges from the back. He is looking particularly menacing tonight with long black leather pants and a chainmail shirt. Walking out with him is Apollo. Hades stalks his way down to the ring and climbs in.)
Backwater:"What a scary looking guy."
MJ:"Yeah, I bet particularly scary for you."
Backwater:"Why would that be?"
MJ:"The whole Hell's Headbutt to your face last week."
Backwater:"What? I don't remember anything like that."
CM:"And his opponent, weighing in at 240lbs and accompanied to the ring by Ms. Kitty, Smackin' Sweardog McKrackin!"
("Another One Bites The Dust" by Queen cranks up as Sweardog comes out from the back. He pauses for a second at the top of the ramp and points back towards the back. Suddenly Chuck Norris appears and starts to walk to the ring with Sweardog.)
MJ:"So that is his new training partner. Martial Arts legend Chuck Norris."
Backwater:"Actions of a desperate man."
MJ:"Both men are in the ring now and we are ready to go. Look at Apollo and Chuck Norris eyeing each other at ringside."
Backwater:"There may be a fight on the outside of the ring better than the one inside."
(From the back walks Colossus. He strides down the ramp and heads towards the announcer's table. He is wearing a sleeveless USCW t-shirt and cargo shorts as he slides behind the desk, takes a seat, and puts on a pair of headphones.)
MJ:"Well this is certainly a surprize. We welcome to the desk Colossus."
Colossus:"Glad to be here. Since I have this big match coming up on Sunday, I thought I would come scout out some of the competition first hand."
Backwater:"Here is the scouting report. Hades is big and tough. Sweardog sucks. There, I could have saved you the walk down."
MJ:"The ref has called for the bell and we are ready to go here. And these two are wasting no time in throwing down right in the middle of the ring! They are trading big right hands and going toe to toe."
Backwater:"So much for match strategy. These two hate each other to the point that each match just breaks down into a street fight."
MJ:"Hades connects on a big uppercut that stuns Sweardog. He scoops him up, runs a few steps to the middle of the ring and plants Sweardog with a big powerslam! That shook the whole ring! Hades goes for a cover!
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No! Sweardog gets a shoulder up."
Colossus:"Maybe your scouting report was right Earl."
Backwater:"Of course. I'm always right."
MJ:"Hades bring Sweardog to his feet now and whips him into the corner. He runs to follow up with a clothesline but Sweardog slides out of the way and Hades crashes into the corner! Sweardog takes advantage now and drives his shoulder into the back off Hades! And again!"
Colossus:"Ok nevermind. Your scouting report was wrong."
MJ:"Sweardog turns Hades around and gives him a backhand chop across the chest. The whole crowd reacts!"
("Whoooooooooooo!!!!!")
MJ:"And another chop!"
("Wooooooooooooo!!!!!")
MJ:"McKrackin connects on a kick to the gut and nails Hades with a DDT. Now Sweardog goes for a cover!
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No! Hades kicks out."
Backwater:"I knew that weak DDT wouldn't hold down the King of the Underworld."
MJ:"Both men are back up now. Sweardog fires a right hand but it's blocked by Hades, who fires back a big haymaker of his own! Hades grabs Sweardog and delivers Hell's Headbutt! Sweardog is stunned!"
Backwater:"Hades is grabbing him with a claw-like manuver!"
MJ:"He calls that the Soul Possession! He's been waiting to debut this move! He has it locked on and Sweardog is in trouble! He is struggling! The ref is checking him. Sweardog manages to get over and grab the ropes! The ref makes Hades break the hold!"
Colossus:"He did a good job of fighting his way out of that. But does he have enough left to mount any kind of comeback here?"
MJ:"Hades bring Sweardog to his feet. He whips Sweardog into the far side ropes. He goes for a clothesline but Sweardog ducks under it! Sweardog bounces off the ropes, grabs Hades by the throat and nails him with the Dog Slam!"
Backwater:"I guess he did have a little left. But both men are down in the ring now!"
MJ:"Both men are down and both are trying desperately to get to their feet! Listen to this crowd!"
(The crowd is going crazy, stomping and yelling, trying to encourage Sweardog to get to his feet.)
MJ:"What is this? It looks like Persephone just slipped something to Hades from the ring apron! That's not right!"
Backwater:"I'm sure it was just a simple word of encouragement. She could encourage me to do just about anything."
MJ:"Sweardog is on his feet first! He walks over to Hades and brings him to his feet. Woah! Hades just nailed Sweardog with something! It falls out of Hades hands. It look like a metal bar of some sort. That was in plain sight of the ref and he is calling for the bell!"
CM:"Your winner, via disqualification, Sweardog McKrackin!"
Backwater:"He won, but I bet he doesn't feel like much of a winner right this second. Hades picks up Sweardog. Cerberus Slam! And now Chuck Norris is in the ring! Apollo slides in from the other side! Chuck Norris attacks Hades and Apollo one on two! Roundhouse kick from Norris knocks Hades back! Apollo grabs Chuck from behind and those two are stuggling with each other!"
MJ:"Here comes The Lineman down to the ring! And now Apollo quickly lets go of Chuck Norris and rolls to the outside as does Hades. What a wold turn of events. Apollo and Hades are headed to the back now as The Lineman and Chuck Norris help Sweardog to his feet. He forehead is busted open and blood is starting to run down."
Colossus:"I've seen what I needed to see. So if you will excuse me gentlemen, I have some business to attend to."
(Colossus takes off his headset and walks towards the back. He is followed shortly by The Lineman, Chuck Norris, and Sweardog as they make their way up the ramp.)
MJ:"Well fans, that leaves us with one match left this evening. Another grudge match that should be....."
(MJ pauses and listens intently for a second.)
MJ:"Fans, I'm getting word that our own Paul Sandler is backstage with a special report."
(The scene switches to backstage with Sandler.)
PS:"Thanks MJ. I'm here with El Presidente who earlier tonight demanded a match with USCW superstar Thunderbolt Lightfoot at Memphis in May. El Presidente, if we could get a quick word in with you."
(El Presidente is on his cell phone and ignores the question.)
PS:"Please, if you could El Presidente we are on live television. Who are you talking to?"
(El Presidente turns angrily to Paul Sandler. He grabs Sandler and drills him into the ground with a Rock Bottom type move. El Presidente starts to talk on the phone again and walk off as the scene fades.)
MJ:"My goodness. Our our Paul Sandler brutally attacked. What was that all about?"
Backwater:"It was the Tubesteak Shake. El Prez has become fond of using old PP&H signature moves."
MJ:"He better start living for the moment if he expects to beat Lightfoot. Well fans. We have one match left this evening. This one was set up a while back and is a No-DQ First Blood Match. Cindy."
CM:"The followng contest is a First Blood match with no disqualifications. Introducing first, weighing in at 225 pounds, The Big Shot!"
("Break Stuff" by Limp Bizkit plays as The Big Shot sprints to the ring.)
CM:"And his opponent, weighing in at 348lbs and accompanied to the ring by Tito Mancuso, "Hard Hitten" Marcus Whitten!"
("Tuff Enuff" by the Fabulous Thunderbirds plays as Whitten comes down to the ring.)
MJ:"Alright, both men are in the ring now and we are ready to go."
("For Whom The Bell Tolls" by Metallica starts to play as the lights go out in the arena.)
MJ:"What is going on? Look, a spotlight just hit the ramp and that's a...., a beer truck?"
Backwater:"It certainly is MJ. A Natural Light beer truck to be exact."
MJ:"The lights flash back on now and the beer truck drives halfway down the ramp."
(The door to the beer truck opens and Colossus jumps out. He climbs up onto the hood of the beer truck and starts to watch the match.)
MJ:"That's certainly interesting. The ref rings the bell and here we go. The Big Shot charges over like he does at everyone but Whitten catches him with a big clothesline that flattens The Big Shot! He starts to put the boots to The Big Shot for a minute before picking him . Whitten drags The Big Shot over to the ropes, presses him up over his head, and tosses The Big Shot over the top rope towards the beer truck outside the ring!"
Backwater:"What a display of power. Whitten is dominating the action tonight."
MJ:"Whitten has climbed to the outside now and is walking towards the beer truck. As he walks over, Colossus just tossed him a beer! Whitten looks at the beer, cracks it open and takes a drink. He is moving back over towards The Big Shot now. But look at the ramp!"
Backwater:"Is that Sniper? Sniper is streaking down the ramp towards Whitten!"
MJ:"Sniper slams into Whitten from behind! Whitten stumbles forward and slams into The Big Shot! Sniper didn't stop and just kept on running into the stand! Tito Mancuso is hot on his trail but Sniper is gone!"
Backwater:"But look, the beer in Whitten's hand slammed into the forehead of The Big Shot and he is busted open! The ref is calling for the bell!"
CM:"Your winner, via drawing first blood, "Hard Hitten" Marcus Whitten!"
MJ:"Whitten picks up a big win headed into next week's PPV! But what was with Sniper attacking him like that?"
Backwater:"Was that even Sniper? I'm not sure he moved like Sniper."
MJ:"Colossus has pulled out a microphone now."
Colossus:"I just wanted to make sure I paid you back for your beer last week. Enjoy this little gift from me and you better bring your "A" game to the PPV, because I want those tag team belts."
(Colossus takes a set of keys and tosses them to Whitten before he slides off the hood of the truck and heads to the back.)
MJ:"What an interesting turn of events. And all of this leads us into a huge event this coming Sunday night. Two titles are on the line. And El Presidente takes on Thunderbolt Lightfoot in a sledgehammer match to settle a grudge that is literally years old."
Backwater:"Who will be the world champion? Who will take home the tag belts? Memphis may not be ready for the kind of heat this will produce."
MJ:"Fans, we are out of time! Join us Sunday on HBO Sports PPV as the USCW presents Memphis in May live from the Pyramid in
Memphis, Tennessee! For Earl Backwater, this is Mike Johnson. Good night everybody!"
(Marcus Whitten takes a look at the keys in his hand. He motions for Mancuso to come over and they start to inspect the truck. An overhead camera sweeps the crowd, and then settles on the red USCW logo in the center of the ring as the camera fades to black..)
(Once again fireworks shoot from the ringposts and explode above the ring.)
MJ:"We are live here from the Gaylord Entertainment Center in Nashville, Tennessee! "We are only one week away from the spectacle that will be USCW Memphis in May! What a huge event that will be with Sniper taking on Captain Caveman for the World Championship and the huge Triple Threat Tag Team Match for the World Tag Team Titles. The Immortals versus Sweardog & The Lineman versus the newly formed team of Colossus and "Hard Hitten" Marcus Whitten. Joining me once again is Earl Backwater."
Backwater:"Both of those matches will go down in USCW history, but let's not look past tonight. There is some great action on hand this evening as well. We have the debut match of The Crippler. We have a big time grudge match between Secshun Ate and The Lineman. We have a preview of Memphis in May as Sweardog takes on Hades. And last, but certainly not least, we have a No-DQ First Blood match between "Hard Hitten" Marcus Whitten and The Big Shot. I'm going to enjoy seeing The Big Shot bleed tonight."
MJ:"Just because your new buddy Whitten is fighting doesn't mean you have to suck up to him."
Backwater:"I don't know what you're talking about."
MJ:"You rarely do."
(The theme from Scarface starts to play as El Presidente and The First Lady walk out from the back and make their way down to the ring.)
MJ:"Looks like we will be hearing from El Presidente to start things off tonight."
(The two climb into the ring and El Presidente grabs a microphone.)
El Presidente:"Everyone has seen that I have made a personal challenge to Thunderbolt Lightfoot for a match this Sunday at Memphis in May. I have asked Commissioner Baxter to make this match and I am here tonight for my answer. What's it going to be? Baxter, come out and give me my asnwer."
(A few seconds pass before "Crazy Train" kicks in and Baxter walks out to the top of the ramp with a microphone.)
LSB:"Well, well, well. Look everyone. It appears we have a vigilante in our midst. He asks for a match, and instead of patiently waiting for me to finish up with my incredibly busy schedule, he first attacks Lightfoot with a sledgehammer and then throws verbal barbs at me. ME! I don't know who you think you are but if you think you are going to come out here and intimidate LSB, you're sadly mistaken. I've stared down and beat down badder men than you. And I have half a mind to come down there and slap that stupid looking smirk off your face right now."
(The crowd pops with anticipation at this comment.)
LSB:"Now onto the matter of a match with Lightfoot. I understand that the big Injun damn near decapitated you a while back. And I understand that probably doesn't sit well with you. So here is what I'm going to do. Since the two of you are so fond of sledgehammers, we're going to have a "Sledgehammer match". A sledgehammer will be suspended above the ring. The match will run just like a normal match. Pins, submissions, all the same as before. Except if you get a hold of the sledgehammer by using a ladder to get it, you can use it. And it won't cause a DQ. You and Lightfoot in a Sledgehammer Match at Memphis in May!"
(The crowd cheers widly for this annoucement.)
LSB:"There. You happy? So long as you understand one thing. The "Law of The Land" may be the law of El Presidente. But the law of the USCW is made by yours truly. Got it?"
El Presidente:"I'm happy the match is done. I will put an end to Lightfoot in this league once and for all. As for you, make the matches we ask for and you won't get on our bad side. Because that's nowhere you want to be."
LSB:"You are already on my bad side. And trust me, that's nowhere anybody wants to be."
(Baxter gives a lingering stare to El Presidente, than tuns and heads for the back. El Presidente sneers before climbing out of the ring and making his way to the back.)
MJ:"So big news from the commissioner. El Presidente will take on Thunderbolt Lightfoot at Memphis in May in a first of it's kind Sledgehammer match. "
Backwater:"A match where bashing someone with a sledgehammer is perfectly legal. That is sure to deliver plenty of drama."
MJ:"Well fans, we are ready for our first match of the evening. Making his USCW debut will be The Crippler. Let's take it down to Cindy Maxwell for the introductions."
CM:"The following contest is set for one fall. Introducing first, already in the ring, weighing in at 250 pounds, "Iron" Mike Sharpe!"
(Sharpe runs and bounces off the ropes to warm up.)
CM:"And his opponent, weighing in at 295 pounds, The Crippler!"
("I Love This Bar" by Toby Keith plays as The Crippler emerges from the back and makes his way down to the ring.)
MJ:"That's a little different for theme music than we're used to around here."
Backwater:"Hey, maybe The Crippler is a good ole boy. With no Country Pimp around any more, we need some more of that."
MJ:"They are both in the ring now and we are underway. Quickly The Crippler closes the distance between the two and locks Sharpe up with two arms around him. He lifts him up and over with a big belly to belly suplex!"
Backwater:"Lots of power there, and some pretty solid technique."
MJ:"The Crippler is waiting for Sharpe to get up now and when he does, The Crippler nails him with a running clothesline!"
Backwater:"That was all power. And very effective."
MJ:"The Crippler is picking Sharpe up now. He loads him up onto his shoulders and spins him around and slams him down with the F5! Here's a cover.
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3!!! The Crippler wins!"
CM:"Your winner, via pinfall, The Crippler!"
MJ:"The Crippler makes short work of "Iron" Mike Sharpe. Hopefully we will see more good things from this youngster in the future."
Backwater:"We'll see. The jury is still out."
(Suddenly the theme from Chariots of Fire starts to play and as Athena and Artemis come out and make their way to the ring. They get into the ring and get a microphone.)
Athena:"I'm sure all of you saw earlier this week when Apollo discovered he was going to be on the show "Pimp My Ride". Well, as a special treat tonight, they are going to unveil the results right here live on Mayhem. Apollo, come out so you can see what your chariot looks like now."
(Apollo appears at the top of the ramp. He gets a good angle and looks up at the Jumbotron.)
Artemis:"Alright, here we go."
(The theme music for MTV’s Pimp My Ride begins to play in the background as a video clip starts to roll. But instead of being the show, On the Jumbotron you just see Apollo’s chariot sitting in an empy field. Then within seconds it explodes into a million pieces. Apollo flinches hard as the explosion sounds off. Apollo’s two sisters are shown in the ring with horror on their faces. They talk to each other with suprise all over their faces. After a second the video changes to Sweardog and the Linemen helping out the crew’s pyrotechnic specialist wire the chariot for detonation. The camera focuses in on Sweardog.)
Sweardog:"Hey big guy. Nice ride, or at least was a nice ride. When I heard you were going on the show, I called up a friend of mine from MTV and convinced him to start a new show. A reality show where people think they are on Pimp My Ride and really they vehicle is destroyed. They give you the money back for the car your lose. But don’t worry, I took the money this piece of shit was worth and donated to a charity you can appreciate- the National Erectile Dysfunction Foundation. Hey, I’m sure you’ll have fun shopping, slapdick. Happy hunting.”
(The scene flashes back to the explosion with the new show’s theme music replaying in the background and the jumbotron fades to black. Apollo looks furious as he quickly heads into the back. His two sisters slide out of the ring and start to run after him.)
MJ:"Wow, the chariot of Apollo is no more as Sweardog was part of a conspiracy to blow it up!"
Backwater:"How lame is that? Who would you say McKrackin's fanbase is made up of MJ? My guess is pre-teen boys who have yet to discover that they are indeed gay. His maturity level and sense of what is and isn't cool never ceases to amaze me. And even though he was slightly discourteous to me here recently, I hope Hades rearranges Sweardog face tonight."
MJ:"You just shouldn't comment on Sweardog at all. Your ridiculous personal vendetta gives you bias against everything he does. It's sad really."
Backwater:"I just call it as I see it MJ."
MJ:"Right. Ok. Next up, fans, is a fight that has been brewing for a while. The Lineman felt he should have been in the World Title Tournament ahead of Secshun Ate, and has yet to completely get over it. He wants to use tonight to demonstrate his point.
Backwater:"But Secshun Ate was impressive in the tournament, knocking off Sweardog and giving the Caveman all he wanted. And let's not forget that since he is eating regularly, he is steadily gaining weight."
MJ:"We'll have to see out it turns out. Cindy, take it away."
CM:"The following contest is set for one fall. Introducing first, at 395lbs, The Lineman!"
("Wanna Be a Baller" by Lil' Troy plays as The Lineman walks out onto the ramp and then down to the ring. He has a very serious look on his face as he walks down to the ring.)
CM:"And his opponent, weighing in at 160lbs., Secshun Ate!"
("The Ghetto" by Too Short starts to play as Secshun Ate struts out from the back with Downtown Jimmy Brown.)
MJ:"This one has been brewing for a while and should be a good one."
Backwater:"I'm not sure how Secshun Ate can compete in this one. There is just too much of a size advantage for The Lineman."
MJ:"The bell has run and we are underway. The Lineman immediately charges over towards Secshun Ate who immediately ducks out of the way and rolls to the outside."
Backwater:"Well, here we go again. Secshun Ate uses the hit and run strategy, except he usually leaves out the hit part."
MJ:"The Lineman doesn't look like he is going to put up with it. He chases Secshun Ate to the outside. Secshun Ate runs around the corner and rolls back in the ring. The Lineman rolls in behind him and Secshun Ate catches him with a kick to the face as he rolls back in!"
Backwater:"There's the hit part!"
MJ:"Secshun Ate is laying the boots to The Lineman right now. He bounces off the ropes and drops an elbow across the throat of Lineman. He goes for a quick cover!
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No! The Lineman launches Secshun Ate across the ring with his kickout!"
Backwater:"May have been a tad early for a cover there. The Lineman looks like he has plenty of gas left in the tank."
MJ:"The Lineman is back up quickly and corners Secshun Ate! He is wailing away on him with right hands! Secshun Ate crumples in the corner."
Backwater:"Oh boy, I think things are about to get interesting! Look at the ramp!"
(Down the ramp comes streaking the Bum Squad, complete with Squeegees and Windex once again.)
MJ:"In the ring, The Lineman is picking Secshun Ate up and leaning him up in the corner. It look like he is about to go for the Blitz!"
Backwater:"The Bum Squad just jumped up on the ring apron. It look like they are asking the ref for money!"
MJ:"Two of them are. One is panhandling in the front row while another is climbing into the ring! One of the Bum Squad is in the ring! He just ran up to The Lineman and sprayed him in the face with Windex! Then he got out of the ring quickly."
Backwater:"The Lineman is stunned! Secshun Ate is back at himself now and he rolls Lineman up from behind! The ref turns around to see it!"
MJ:"The ref starts a count!
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No! The Lineman squirms free!"
Backwater:"And the Bum squad doesn't look happy about it! All four of them have rushed the ring now and are spraying Windex all in the face of The Lineman!"
MJ:"They are doing it in plain sight of the ref. He is calling for the bell!"
CM:"Your winner, via disqualification, The Lineman!"
MJ:"The bums have helped pick The Lineman up. And now Secshun Ate nails him with Poverty Stricken! He is trying to slam him down with the WIC Slam but is having trouble! All four Bum Squad members are helping now and there it is, the WIC Slam!"
(From the back comes running Sweardog. As he slides into the ring, Secshun Ate and the Bum Squad scatter out of the ring.)
Backwater:"These guys crack me up. Now they quickly head to the back after jumping The Lineman five on one."
MJ:"The Lineman is up now and from the look on his face, I don't think this little fued is anywhere near over."
(Sweardog and Lineman make their way to the back, soaking up the cheers along the way.)
MJ:"Sweardog and The Lineman will definately be the fan favorites headed into the Triple Threat Tag Team Championship this Sunday at Memphis In May."
Backwater:"Yeah, but they wo.."
(MJ cuts him off.)
MJ:"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Let's take it down to Cindy and get this next match underway."
Backwater:"Such hostility."
CM:"The following contest is set for one fall. Introducing first, weighing in at 290lbs and accompanied to the ring by Persephone, Hades!"
("Iron Man" by Black Sabbath starts to play as Hades emerges from the back. He is looking particularly menacing tonight with long black leather pants and a chainmail shirt. Walking out with him is Apollo. Hades stalks his way down to the ring and climbs in.)
Backwater:"What a scary looking guy."
MJ:"Yeah, I bet particularly scary for you."
Backwater:"Why would that be?"
MJ:"The whole Hell's Headbutt to your face last week."
Backwater:"What? I don't remember anything like that."
CM:"And his opponent, weighing in at 240lbs and accompanied to the ring by Ms. Kitty, Smackin' Sweardog McKrackin!"
("Another One Bites The Dust" by Queen cranks up as Sweardog comes out from the back. He pauses for a second at the top of the ramp and points back towards the back. Suddenly Chuck Norris appears and starts to walk to the ring with Sweardog.)
MJ:"So that is his new training partner. Martial Arts legend Chuck Norris."
Backwater:"Actions of a desperate man."
MJ:"Both men are in the ring now and we are ready to go. Look at Apollo and Chuck Norris eyeing each other at ringside."
Backwater:"There may be a fight on the outside of the ring better than the one inside."
(From the back walks Colossus. He strides down the ramp and heads towards the announcer's table. He is wearing a sleeveless USCW t-shirt and cargo shorts as he slides behind the desk, takes a seat, and puts on a pair of headphones.)
MJ:"Well this is certainly a surprize. We welcome to the desk Colossus."
Colossus:"Glad to be here. Since I have this big match coming up on Sunday, I thought I would come scout out some of the competition first hand."
Backwater:"Here is the scouting report. Hades is big and tough. Sweardog sucks. There, I could have saved you the walk down."
MJ:"The ref has called for the bell and we are ready to go here. And these two are wasting no time in throwing down right in the middle of the ring! They are trading big right hands and going toe to toe."
Backwater:"So much for match strategy. These two hate each other to the point that each match just breaks down into a street fight."
MJ:"Hades connects on a big uppercut that stuns Sweardog. He scoops him up, runs a few steps to the middle of the ring and plants Sweardog with a big powerslam! That shook the whole ring! Hades goes for a cover!
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No! Sweardog gets a shoulder up."
Colossus:"Maybe your scouting report was right Earl."
Backwater:"Of course. I'm always right."
MJ:"Hades bring Sweardog to his feet now and whips him into the corner. He runs to follow up with a clothesline but Sweardog slides out of the way and Hades crashes into the corner! Sweardog takes advantage now and drives his shoulder into the back off Hades! And again!"
Colossus:"Ok nevermind. Your scouting report was wrong."
MJ:"Sweardog turns Hades around and gives him a backhand chop across the chest. The whole crowd reacts!"
("Whoooooooooooo!!!!!")
MJ:"And another chop!"
("Wooooooooooooo!!!!!")
MJ:"McKrackin connects on a kick to the gut and nails Hades with a DDT. Now Sweardog goes for a cover!
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No! Hades kicks out."
Backwater:"I knew that weak DDT wouldn't hold down the King of the Underworld."
MJ:"Both men are back up now. Sweardog fires a right hand but it's blocked by Hades, who fires back a big haymaker of his own! Hades grabs Sweardog and delivers Hell's Headbutt! Sweardog is stunned!"
Backwater:"Hades is grabbing him with a claw-like manuver!"
MJ:"He calls that the Soul Possession! He's been waiting to debut this move! He has it locked on and Sweardog is in trouble! He is struggling! The ref is checking him. Sweardog manages to get over and grab the ropes! The ref makes Hades break the hold!"
Colossus:"He did a good job of fighting his way out of that. But does he have enough left to mount any kind of comeback here?"
MJ:"Hades bring Sweardog to his feet. He whips Sweardog into the far side ropes. He goes for a clothesline but Sweardog ducks under it! Sweardog bounces off the ropes, grabs Hades by the throat and nails him with the Dog Slam!"
Backwater:"I guess he did have a little left. But both men are down in the ring now!"
MJ:"Both men are down and both are trying desperately to get to their feet! Listen to this crowd!"
(The crowd is going crazy, stomping and yelling, trying to encourage Sweardog to get to his feet.)
MJ:"What is this? It looks like Persephone just slipped something to Hades from the ring apron! That's not right!"
Backwater:"I'm sure it was just a simple word of encouragement. She could encourage me to do just about anything."
MJ:"Sweardog is on his feet first! He walks over to Hades and brings him to his feet. Woah! Hades just nailed Sweardog with something! It falls out of Hades hands. It look like a metal bar of some sort. That was in plain sight of the ref and he is calling for the bell!"
CM:"Your winner, via disqualification, Sweardog McKrackin!"
Backwater:"He won, but I bet he doesn't feel like much of a winner right this second. Hades picks up Sweardog. Cerberus Slam! And now Chuck Norris is in the ring! Apollo slides in from the other side! Chuck Norris attacks Hades and Apollo one on two! Roundhouse kick from Norris knocks Hades back! Apollo grabs Chuck from behind and those two are stuggling with each other!"
MJ:"Here comes The Lineman down to the ring! And now Apollo quickly lets go of Chuck Norris and rolls to the outside as does Hades. What a wold turn of events. Apollo and Hades are headed to the back now as The Lineman and Chuck Norris help Sweardog to his feet. He forehead is busted open and blood is starting to run down."
Colossus:"I've seen what I needed to see. So if you will excuse me gentlemen, I have some business to attend to."
(Colossus takes off his headset and walks towards the back. He is followed shortly by The Lineman, Chuck Norris, and Sweardog as they make their way up the ramp.)
MJ:"Well fans, that leaves us with one match left this evening. Another grudge match that should be....."
(MJ pauses and listens intently for a second.)
MJ:"Fans, I'm getting word that our own Paul Sandler is backstage with a special report."
(The scene switches to backstage with Sandler.)
PS:"Thanks MJ. I'm here with El Presidente who earlier tonight demanded a match with USCW superstar Thunderbolt Lightfoot at Memphis in May. El Presidente, if we could get a quick word in with you."
(El Presidente is on his cell phone and ignores the question.)
PS:"Please, if you could El Presidente we are on live television. Who are you talking to?"
(El Presidente turns angrily to Paul Sandler. He grabs Sandler and drills him into the ground with a Rock Bottom type move. El Presidente starts to talk on the phone again and walk off as the scene fades.)
MJ:"My goodness. Our our Paul Sandler brutally attacked. What was that all about?"
Backwater:"It was the Tubesteak Shake. El Prez has become fond of using old PP&H signature moves."
MJ:"He better start living for the moment if he expects to beat Lightfoot. Well fans. We have one match left this evening. This one was set up a while back and is a No-DQ First Blood Match. Cindy."
CM:"The followng contest is a First Blood match with no disqualifications. Introducing first, weighing in at 225 pounds, The Big Shot!"
("Break Stuff" by Limp Bizkit plays as The Big Shot sprints to the ring.)
CM:"And his opponent, weighing in at 348lbs and accompanied to the ring by Tito Mancuso, "Hard Hitten" Marcus Whitten!"
("Tuff Enuff" by the Fabulous Thunderbirds plays as Whitten comes down to the ring.)
MJ:"Alright, both men are in the ring now and we are ready to go."
("For Whom The Bell Tolls" by Metallica starts to play as the lights go out in the arena.)
MJ:"What is going on? Look, a spotlight just hit the ramp and that's a...., a beer truck?"
Backwater:"It certainly is MJ. A Natural Light beer truck to be exact."
MJ:"The lights flash back on now and the beer truck drives halfway down the ramp."
(The door to the beer truck opens and Colossus jumps out. He climbs up onto the hood of the beer truck and starts to watch the match.)
MJ:"That's certainly interesting. The ref rings the bell and here we go. The Big Shot charges over like he does at everyone but Whitten catches him with a big clothesline that flattens The Big Shot! He starts to put the boots to The Big Shot for a minute before picking him . Whitten drags The Big Shot over to the ropes, presses him up over his head, and tosses The Big Shot over the top rope towards the beer truck outside the ring!"
Backwater:"What a display of power. Whitten is dominating the action tonight."
MJ:"Whitten has climbed to the outside now and is walking towards the beer truck. As he walks over, Colossus just tossed him a beer! Whitten looks at the beer, cracks it open and takes a drink. He is moving back over towards The Big Shot now. But look at the ramp!"
Backwater:"Is that Sniper? Sniper is streaking down the ramp towards Whitten!"
MJ:"Sniper slams into Whitten from behind! Whitten stumbles forward and slams into The Big Shot! Sniper didn't stop and just kept on running into the stand! Tito Mancuso is hot on his trail but Sniper is gone!"
Backwater:"But look, the beer in Whitten's hand slammed into the forehead of The Big Shot and he is busted open! The ref is calling for the bell!"
CM:"Your winner, via drawing first blood, "Hard Hitten" Marcus Whitten!"
MJ:"Whitten picks up a big win headed into next week's PPV! But what was with Sniper attacking him like that?"
Backwater:"Was that even Sniper? I'm not sure he moved like Sniper."
MJ:"Colossus has pulled out a microphone now."
Colossus:"I just wanted to make sure I paid you back for your beer last week. Enjoy this little gift from me and you better bring your "A" game to the PPV, because I want those tag team belts."
(Colossus takes a set of keys and tosses them to Whitten before he slides off the hood of the truck and heads to the back.)
MJ:"What an interesting turn of events. And all of this leads us into a huge event this coming Sunday night. Two titles are on the line. And El Presidente takes on Thunderbolt Lightfoot in a sledgehammer match to settle a grudge that is literally years old."
Backwater:"Who will be the world champion? Who will take home the tag belts? Memphis may not be ready for the kind of heat this will produce."
MJ:"Fans, we are out of time! Join us Sunday on HBO Sports PPV as the USCW presents Memphis in May live from the Pyramid in
Memphis, Tennessee! For Earl Backwater, this is Mike Johnson. Good night everybody!"
(Marcus Whitten takes a look at the keys in his hand. He motions for Mancuso to come over and they start to inspect the truck. An overhead camera sweeps the crowd, and then settles on the red USCW logo in the center of the ring as the camera fades to black..)