MJ:"Hello there fans and welcome to
another edition of Monday Night Mayhem!!"
(Once again fireworks shoot from the ring posts and explode above the ring.)
MJ:"We are live from the ipayOne Center at the Sports Arena in San Diego, CA. The west coast swing of the USCW continues and the amazing USCW action continues as well. Last week we saw a chaotic ending to the night as nine different USCW superstars were brawling in the ring. This week, eight USCW superstars will be brawling in the ring. And whoever can brawl the longest will walk away as the USCW US Champion. Joining me as always is Earl Backwater. What do you think of tonight's main event?"
EB:"Any time a USCW title is involved, you know things are going to get crazy. An eight man over the top rope battle royal. One of these eight men will emerge as a champion, and will likely have a title defense in two weeks at Summer Spectacular."
MJ:"That's right Earl. Next week Monday Night Mayhem will travel to Phoenix, AZ. But then we will return to San Diego, California on June 18th, 2006, for Summer Spectacular, which should be an absolutely amazing event. Fans, I'm getting word from backstage that reporter Jackie O'Sullivan has a report for us. Jackie."
(Captain Caveman is backstage with Jackie O'Sullivan getting ready for his pre-match interview. Jackie is busy trying to make Captain Caveman look presentable for his interview. She breaks a comb in half trying to comb his hair. Captain Caveman is oblivious to Jackie's presence and is watching footage from the Bra and Panties match last week. He seems particularly interested in Ms. Kitty. )
JO:"Well I guess that will have to do then won't it Cavey?"
(Captain Caveman snaps out of his trance and looks over at Jackie. He seems surprised that she is even there.)
CC:"What pretty little girl want?"
JO:"It seems that we had some sort of technical problem with our interview last week, so we are going to have to repeat it if that's okay with you Honey Buns."
(Captain Caveman pounds his fist on his chest.)
CC:"Name Captain Caveman."
(Jackie looks a bit hurt.)
JO:"OK then, lets get on with it then. I noticed that Aphrod...I mean Jane was looking pretty rough the other day in your cavern. What happened to her?"
CC:"Jane betray Captain Caveman. Make Captain Caveman angry. Jane now Captain Caveman house slave. Jane scrub Sniper piss off of club."
JO:"What did you think about the Bra and Panties match last week?"
CC:"Captain Caveman spend a long time working on autographs for ladies. Captain Caveman not get to see match at all. Make Captain Caveman very mad, so Captain Caveman bust heads instead."
(Captain Caveman starts to drool a little out the side of his mouth.)
JO:"So have you been preparing for the Battle Royal?"
CC:"Captain Caveman not need prepare. Captain Caveman can't wait until Battle Royal start. Lots of heads to bust, lots of blood to spill!"
(Captain Caveman's eyes gloss over and he starts to foam at the mouth as he thinks about the upcoming match. He jumps up and runs out of the room.)
MJ:"Captain Caveman, interesting as always."
EB:"He has to be considered one of the favorites tonight. Don't let his somewhat comical appearance and manner of speaking fool you. The Caveman is one tough hombre."
MJ:"Alright fans, we're ready to get this night of action underway. Let's take it down to Cindy for our first match."
CM:"The following contest is set for one fall. Introducing first, already in the ring,weighing in at 240lbs pounds, Mr. Wrestling!"
(Mr. Wrestling pumps his fist to the crowd.)
CM:"And his opponent, weighing in at 215 pounds, Ryan "Big Pimpin" Wisler!"
("Pimp Juice" by Nelly plays as Wisler comes out from the back. )
MJ:"Alright fans. Here we go. Both men are in the ring now and the bell has sounded to get this match underway. They circle each other for a second, and now they lock up. Wisler grabs a side headlock, holds Mr. Wrestling's head with one arm and connects on a right hand to the face that stuns Mr. Wrestling!"
EB:"What move doesn't stun Mr. Wrestling. If he isn't in the World Book of Records for the most concussions suffered by one man, he should be."
MJ:"Wisler lets go of Mr. Wrestling, measures him for a second, and connects on a powerful super kick! And now he is headed to the top rope."
EB:"Wisler is one of the few wrestlers in the league with a high flying daredevil type style. His Olympic level speed makes him very dangerous."
MJ:"Wisler leaps from the top rope and nails a frog splash! Wisler grabs Mr. Wrestling and brings him to his feet. He steps back and bounces off the ropes before running and jumping onto Mr. Wrestling's shoulders, spinning around and delivering a reverse hurricanrana! That's the Pimp Flip! Now Wisler makes a cover!
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3!! Wisler wins it quickly and easily.
CM:"Your winner, via pinfall, Ryan "Big Pimpin" Wisler!"
MJ:"Big Pimpin makes an impressive debut here at Mayhem. It should be interesting to see where his future lies here in the USCW."
(Wisler makes his way to the back. The crowd seems to like his cocky attitude.)
MJ:"Well fans, next up we ha....."
("For Whom The Bell Tolls" by Metallica stars to play as Colossus makes his way from the back, with his World Tag Team belt over his shoulder. He strides down to the ring and takes the microphone from Cindy Maxwell.)
Colossus:"How's everybody doing tonight here in San Diego?"
(The crowd cheers.)
Colossus:"The USCW is doubling up in San Diego. The battle royal is later tonight, and then two weeks from now we return for Summer Spectacular. On that card, myself and Marcus Whitten defend these tag belts against The Immortals. I'm out here for one reason tonight. Marcus Whitten, I want the world to know right here and now tonight, that I am calling you out."
(A buzz goes through the crowd at this unexpected announcement.)
Colossus:"I'm calling you out to not screw this match up for me. You're my tag team partner, and I am forced to trust you for now. But let's not forget that the only reason we have these belts is because of what I worked out. I pinned Hades. I got the three count. I won us these belts. And you didn't have anything to do with it."
(The crowd reacts to these rather harsh words for the partner of Colossus.)
Colossus:"So drink your Natty Light, tell everybody it's Closing Time. And when the time comes to step into the ring at Summer Spectacular, don't blow this for me. I plan on keeping these belts for a while. And if I lose them because of you....., there will be hell to pay."
(Colossus hands the mic back to Maxwell and climbs out of the ring.)
MJ:"A pointed message to "Hard Hitten" Marcus Whitten. Colossus still seems to have very little faith in his partner."
EB:"Let's not forget that "Lightning" Scott Baxter just kind of stuck these two together. They have no history at all, at least not that we know of. They very well may never really trust each other or get along."
MJ:"As members of Paramount together, they need to make an effort. Speaking of Paramount, I'm getting word that Paramount founder Sweardog has a few words to say. He is backstage and our own Paul Sandler will join him."
(Scene opens with Sweardog sitting in the locker room and mentally rehearsing the exploitation of each of the wrestlers' weaknesses. It is an exercise he executes before each card to see how he will win the match. He even postulates the possible interruptions that could occur and mentally prepares for them as well. Sweardog is convinced that first you must see the victory before you can achieve it. Paul Sandler knocks on the open doorway.)
SD:"Hey, slapdick, come on in."
PS:"Um, set up over here?"
SD:"Yeah that's fine."
PS:"Alright, big guy. You're on."
SD:"I wanted to take the time to address tonight's 8- man Battle Royal if I could. There are some people out there who'd postulate I have no chance, mainly on the fact that I have never earned a title before. I say they are wrong. I have earned more than titles and belts. I have earned the respect of the fans as I am the one People's Champion of this league, and to the fans, I thank you for that. I am working diligently on exposing the weaknesses and strengths of each of the 7 other wrestlers. I will address each now."
SD:"The Lineman, my friend, I both hope it is and is not you I will be up against. I would suggest that the only case we should tie up would be if we have kicked everyone else's ass. However, I couldn't think of anyone I'd rather lose to than you. Happy hunting, yourself buddy."
SD:(speaking in caveman)"Captain Caveman, you funny. Sweardog like you. Sweardog not want to fight you, but will do so with respect of you. Me want title, just like you. Good luck, friend."
SD:"Secshun Ate, go get a dictionary you fucking moron. I will surely stomp a mudhole in your ass. I still haven't gotten over our last meeting. You need to be ready for me, because I will surely be ready for you."
SD:"The Big Shot, Crippler, DTM, and Cali Dream, I really don't know you guys and have no beef with you. But know this, guys, I am preparing to beat you out of that ring. I will be ready. You should prepare yourselves as well."
PS:"Sweardog, do you hav..."
SD:"Paul, don't fucking interrupt me. Fuck! I was on a good roll there for a while. Will you please, let me fuck this monkey without getting your fucking fingers in it? Jesus!"
PS:"A monkey?"
SD:"Oh fuck, Paul. It's a damn metaphor, you shithead. Just sit there and shut the fuck up. Were you born this fucking idiotic or have you been practicing?"
PS:"Practicing what?"
SD:"Oh Jesus, were you fucking dropped on your head as a kid?"
PS:"On my head?"
SD:"Well, yeah, your head how could..."
PS:"How could someone drop me on my own head?"
SD:"I meant, Thats..... Goddamn it, are YOU FUCKING WITH ME?!"
PS:"No I was just..."
SD:"Paul, just get the fuck out of my locker room. I can't put up another second of your stupidity without throwing a head bleed. Please see yourself out."
(Paul stands up and walks toward the door as Sweardog turns back to his studies. Scene fades to black.)
MJ:"Well, originally I was going to say that Sweardog sounded focused on the battle royal tonight. But then he seemed focused on ridiculing Paul Sandler."
EB:"I don't try to make sense of Sweardog. It's an exercise in futility."
MJ:"I forgot that asking you anything about Sweardog is bad idea. Well, we're ready to move along again. It's time for another USCW debut. Let's kick it to Cindy."
CM:"The following contest is set for one fall. Introducing first, already in the ring, weighting in at 250 pounds, "Iron" Mike Sharpe!"
(Sharpe raises his arm to acknowledge the fans.)
CM:"And his opponent, weighing in at 280 pounds, Mr. Chopper!"
("American Bad Ass" by Kid Rock starts to play as Mr. Chopper walks down to the ring. His brother The Crippler is with him. Mr. Chopper slides into the ring and takes the house mic from Cindy Maxwell.)
MC:"Tonight will be the beginning of my reign of destruction on the USCW. I am the brother of The Crippler and I came into the federation to make an impact and take notice. Tonight we be just the beginning and I will make an example out of Iron Mike Sharpe and I will show all the rest of the guys in the back what I have in me. Be scared. Be very scared."
(Mr. Chopper hands the mic back to Maxwell as the ref rings the bell.)
EB:"I'm scared. I'm scared this guy really thinks this is an important match."
MJ:"Easy Earl. This young guy is hyped up about his debut and there is nothing wrong with that. The bell has run now and we are underway. Mr. Chopper immediately closes the distance on Sharpe and the two lock up in the corner. Mr. Chopper drives a knee into the stomach of Sharpe. Sharpe doubles over and Mr. Chopper grabs him and plants him with a DDT!"
EB:"So far, so good. Maybe his enthusiasm will play off."
MJ:"Mr. Chopper picks Sharpe up and whips him into the ropes. Big spear from Mr. Chopper! He calls that Pedal to the Metal! And that leads up to the Orange County Crush! Mr. Chopper picks Sharpe up in a fireman's carry, then flips him up and over and slams him back first to the canvas! Here's a cover!
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3!! Mr. Chopper wins his debut!"
CM:"Your winner, via pinfall, Mr. Chopper!"
MJ:"Two successful debuts so far for new USCW stars."
EB:"The young blood keeps this league fresh. But let's not forget about the established stars that always find their way back to the USCW.
MJ:"That's right Earl. Which leads us to our next match. It's the return of a USCW superstar, "Sweet" Gordy Dix. He's already started making his presence felt and this is his in ring return. Let's take it dow..."
("Another One Bites The Dust" by Queen starts to play as Sweardog McKrackin makes his way out from the back.)
MJ:"Check that. It looks like Sweardog is coming down to the ringside area."
EB:"Wonderful."
(Sweardog walks over to the announcer's desk, grabs a headset, and sits down next to MJ.)
MJ:"Welcome to the broadcast."
SD:"Thanks MJ. Always a pleasure.
(Sweardog looks over at Backwater.)
SD:"What's up slapdick?"
EB:"Things were going pretty well tonight, but they have taken a turn for the worse recently."
MJ:"So Sweardog, what brings you down to the ring during this match?"
SD:"Well MJ, Paramount is at the top of the mountain in professional wrestling. But that doesn't mean we aren't always looking for fresh blood."
EB:"Are you thinking The Sweetness might join you? I don't know what you are smoking, but I hope you brought enough for everybody. In case you have forgotten, Dix hates you and always has."
SD:"You might be surprised. Guys that run around in skirts thinking they are immortal and young punks who think they own the place before their first match have a way of bringing old timers like he and I together."
MJ:"Interesting. Let's take it down to Cindy and get this match underway.
CM:"The following contest is set for one fall. Introducing first, already in the ring, weighing in at 207lbs, Paco Rodriguez!"
(Paco turns a backflip in the ring and plays to the crowd.)
EB:"The people love Paco."
CM:"And his opponent, weighing in at 275lbs, accompanied by Ashley, "Sweet" Gordy Dix!"
("Damn It Feels Good To Be A Gangsta" by Geto Boyz cranks up as Gordy walks out onto the ramp. He is wearing a large purple hat, purple shades, a white jacket with purple polkadots, purple pants and purple shoes. He is carrying a cane and a jeweled cup. Walking out with him is Ashley Donnelle. He struts down to the ring. He takes everything off except a pair of purple tights. He has a big heart tattoo on his right shoulder.)
MJ:"Gordy is ready now and this match is underway. Gordy charges over and starts working Paco over with right hands! He drops to a knee and catches Paco with a huge low blow!"
EB:"Ouch, that move never ceases to make me double over just looking at it."
SD:"Then again, you're worthless and weak."
EB:"Isn't there a village that would be missing their idiot by now?"
MJ:"Gordy scoops Paco up and sets him up and nails a Pedigree type move. He calls that move the Sac Smeller!"
EB:"And now here comes the Bump N Grind!"
MJ:"The ref makes his count.
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3!! Dix wins easily.
CM:"Your winner, via pinfall, "Sweet" Gordy Dix!"
MJ:"No surprises there. Dix makes quick work of Paco Rodriguez."
SD:"I've seen what I need to see. If you guys will excuse me, I have a US Championship to win."
(Sweardog takes off the headset and walks towards the back.)
EB:"The pleasure was all yours McKrackin."
MJ:"You two have got to cut that out."
EB:"Tell that to him."
MJ:"Anyway. Fans, we have reached the main event of the evening. Eight men will battle it out for the United States Heavyweight Championship in an over the top rope Battle Royal. Let's take it down to Cindy for the introductions.
CM:"The following contest is a Over The Top Rope Battle Royal and is for the United States Heavyweight Championship. Here are the participants. The Big Shot!
Secshun Ate!
The Lineman!
The Crippler!
The California Dream, Christopher Lee!
DTM!
Smackin Sweardog McKrackin!
Captain Caveman!"
(As their name is called, each wrestler emerges from the back and heads down to the ring until all eight men are in the ring.)
MJ:"The anticipation is building in the arena Earl. Everyone is on the edge of their seats for this one."
EB:"You can certainly feel th electricity in the air MJ."
MJ:"I will do my best to call this one fans but I can't make any promises. There will be too much going on to call it all. And there is the bell! This battle royal is underway! Sweardog and The Lineman have claimed one corner and are warding off anything looking to come that way."
EB:"Woah! Christopher Lee charged straight over and attacked Secshun Ate! No rolling out of the ring for Ate this match. The California Dream wants revenge for that pie to the face last week."
MJ:"And The Crippler and DTM have also paired off. Those two have had words recently. They are trading right hands. Captain Caveman has The Big Shot cornered on the far side and his wailing on him with multiple headbutts."
EB:"Oh boy! This is about to get really interesting! Here come some people down the ramp. Once again, they are dressed like members of the Bum Squad. But that's not the Bum Squad. Way too muscular and in the case of the girl, way too sexy."
MJ:"The "bums" have made their way to the ringside area. But look at this! Their arrival has sparked the arrival of more people from that back! Three men are on their way to the ring separately. I recognize one of them as The Benefactor! He is the California Dream's bodyguard and he is headed down to the ringside area."
EB:"And behind him coming down is the largest man I've ever seen."
MJ:"That looks like Mr. Chopper, but with him is an incredibly huge man we've never seen before. Meanwhile in the ring, things are absolutely out of control. The Caveman is in firm control of The Big Shot. The Big Shot is stunned and Captain Caveman nails him with a running headbutt and The Big Shot flips up and over the top rope! The Big Shot is eliminated!"
EB:"And look at the other side. Christopher Lee just hit Secshun Ate with a low blow! He grabs Secshun ate by the collar and tosses him over the top rope and down to the floor! Secshun Ate has been eliminated! We are down to six!"
MJ:"Look at the "bums" from earlier! Two of them are up on the ring apron behind Sweardog and The Lineman! The female taps The Lineman on the shoulder. He turns around and she slaps him across the face! He leans over the top rope and grabs at her but she ducks out of the way. But look at this! Captain Caveman got a running start and grabbed a leg of The Lineman! He is lifting him, trying to get him over the top! Sweardog sees it and is about to jump in, but the other bum punches him in the back of the head!"
EB:"Captain Caveman lets out a huge grunt and he gets The Lineman up and over! The Lineman is eliminated!"
MJ:"We are now down to five men! Christopher Lee sees Sweardog stunned and attacks him. The Crippler and DTM are still duking it out in the corner. I'm not sure DTM is at home in a match that he can't use his high risk skills as much but he is holding his own in a brawl with a much larger man. DTM connects on a kick to the gut. The Crippler is stunned. DTM nails a standing dropkick that staggers The Crippler back. He almost goes over the top but catches himself before he does!"
EB:"But he is still in trouble. Look at this! DTM is nuts! He is setting The Crippler up on the top turnbuckle! Instead of trying to throw him over the top, he is setting him up for the Death From Above!"
MJ:"But look at that! Someone just hopped the guard rail from the front row! It's Ryan Wisler! DTM is about try and hit the Death From Above. But The Crippler shakes the cobwebs loose and fires an elbow at DTM. They are trading blows while both standing on the top turnbuckle! Wisler is up on the ring apron. He just grabbed both men by their legs and pulled them to the outside! Both DTM and The Crippler are eliminated by interference from Ryan Wisler!"
EB:"That means we are down to three! Christopher Lee, Sweardog, and Captain Caveman!"
MJ:"Wow! That huge man that came down with Mr. Chopper saw Wisler interfere, and he grabbed Wisler by the neck. From the ground while Wisler is on the ring apron! And now he chokeslams Wisler to the floor!"
EB:"Wisler got what he wanted as far as interfering. But I'm sure he didn't want that."
MJ:"Sweardog is on the bad end of a beating from Christopher Lee right now. Lee started working on him after he took that punch from the "bum" and hasn't let up. Captain Caveman watches from the other side of the ring for a second then he charges over and nails Lee with the Caveman Clothesline!"
EB:"This hasn't been a terribly long battle royal, but the pace and fury in which these guys went after each other has been amazing. They have to be all exhausted right now."
MJ:"Captain Caveman picks Christopher Lee up and is dragging him to the side. He nails a big headbutt, and he picks Lee up and tosses him over the top rope! Now he turns back to face Sweardog!"
EB:"But look! Lee wasn't eliminated! He caught the top rope on the way over and held on! He pulled himself back up and he is still in this! But he's crouching on the ring apron. It looks like he is hiding from Captain Caveman and Sweardog!"
MJ:"Sweardog is back up now and he and Captain Caveman are staring each other down now. The crowd is going absolutely crazy!"
(The arena almost shakes as the crowd cheers loudly for who they think are the last two men in the battle royal.)
MJ:"Sweardog and Captain Caveman start trading punches in the middle of the ring of the ring. Sweardog connects on a big right hand. The grabs Captain Caveman and goes for a whip into the ropes. Captain Caveman reverses it and whips Sweardog into the ropes."
(The large bum reaches up and grabs the ropes, pulling them way down.)
MJ:"Sweardog goes to bounces off the ropes, but the "bum" pulled them down! Sweardog tumbles over the top! He is eliminated!"
EB:"I think the Benefactor just slipped something to the Lee on the ring apron. Lee slides in the ring behind Captain Caveman!"
MJ:"Captain Caveman thinks he has won! But Lee nails him from behind! Captain Caveman staggers forward and Lee comes running with a clothesline and knocks Captain Caveman over the top rope! The Battle Royal is over!"
CM:"Your winner, and new USCW United States Champion, "The Calif....."
("Crazy Train" by Ozzy Osbourne kicks in and "Lightning" Scott Baxter appears at the top of the ramp with a microphone.)
LSB:"Woah, woah, woah. No title is going to be decided like that in a league that I'm in charge of. Outside interference, illegal objects."
(Lee puts him hands behind his back in the ring to try and hide the brass knuckles on his hand.)
LSB:"I was cool with everything until we got to this last three. So here's what we are going to do. Lee, you proved that you are a pretty tough competitor. But you are not the champion. The title is held up until Summer Spectacular!"
(The crowd reacts with a mix of cheers and gasps.)
LSB:"And at Summer Spectacular, it will be "The California Dream" Christopher Lee versus Captain Caveman versus Sweardog McKrackin in a Triple Threat Match for the United States Heavyweight Championship!"
(Sweardog pumps his fist on the outside as Lee stomps the mat in disgust. Captain Caveman is also on his feet now, but he has no reaction other than looking confused. Baxter stares down at the ring for a second before making his way to the back.)
MJ:"A major announcement from the commissioner. A Triple Threat Match at Summer Spectacular for the US Title! And now all the men still down at ringside have decided the Battle Royal wasn't enough! They are all brawling again! Fans, we are out of time! Join us next Monday Night as the USCW continues it's West Coast swing from the America West Arena in Phoenix, AZ! For Earl Backwater, this is Mike Johnson. Good night everybody!"
(The groups brawl in the ringside area. USCW security start to run in to try to restore order as an overhead camera sweeps the crowd, and then settles on the red USCW logo in the center of the ring as the camera fades to black.)
(Once again fireworks shoot from the ring posts and explode above the ring.)
MJ:"We are live from the ipayOne Center at the Sports Arena in San Diego, CA. The west coast swing of the USCW continues and the amazing USCW action continues as well. Last week we saw a chaotic ending to the night as nine different USCW superstars were brawling in the ring. This week, eight USCW superstars will be brawling in the ring. And whoever can brawl the longest will walk away as the USCW US Champion. Joining me as always is Earl Backwater. What do you think of tonight's main event?"
EB:"Any time a USCW title is involved, you know things are going to get crazy. An eight man over the top rope battle royal. One of these eight men will emerge as a champion, and will likely have a title defense in two weeks at Summer Spectacular."
MJ:"That's right Earl. Next week Monday Night Mayhem will travel to Phoenix, AZ. But then we will return to San Diego, California on June 18th, 2006, for Summer Spectacular, which should be an absolutely amazing event. Fans, I'm getting word from backstage that reporter Jackie O'Sullivan has a report for us. Jackie."
(Captain Caveman is backstage with Jackie O'Sullivan getting ready for his pre-match interview. Jackie is busy trying to make Captain Caveman look presentable for his interview. She breaks a comb in half trying to comb his hair. Captain Caveman is oblivious to Jackie's presence and is watching footage from the Bra and Panties match last week. He seems particularly interested in Ms. Kitty. )
JO:"Well I guess that will have to do then won't it Cavey?"
(Captain Caveman snaps out of his trance and looks over at Jackie. He seems surprised that she is even there.)
CC:"What pretty little girl want?"
JO:"It seems that we had some sort of technical problem with our interview last week, so we are going to have to repeat it if that's okay with you Honey Buns."
(Captain Caveman pounds his fist on his chest.)
CC:"Name Captain Caveman."
(Jackie looks a bit hurt.)
JO:"OK then, lets get on with it then. I noticed that Aphrod...I mean Jane was looking pretty rough the other day in your cavern. What happened to her?"
CC:"Jane betray Captain Caveman. Make Captain Caveman angry. Jane now Captain Caveman house slave. Jane scrub Sniper piss off of club."
JO:"What did you think about the Bra and Panties match last week?"
CC:"Captain Caveman spend a long time working on autographs for ladies. Captain Caveman not get to see match at all. Make Captain Caveman very mad, so Captain Caveman bust heads instead."
(Captain Caveman starts to drool a little out the side of his mouth.)
JO:"So have you been preparing for the Battle Royal?"
CC:"Captain Caveman not need prepare. Captain Caveman can't wait until Battle Royal start. Lots of heads to bust, lots of blood to spill!"
(Captain Caveman's eyes gloss over and he starts to foam at the mouth as he thinks about the upcoming match. He jumps up and runs out of the room.)
MJ:"Captain Caveman, interesting as always."
EB:"He has to be considered one of the favorites tonight. Don't let his somewhat comical appearance and manner of speaking fool you. The Caveman is one tough hombre."
MJ:"Alright fans, we're ready to get this night of action underway. Let's take it down to Cindy for our first match."
CM:"The following contest is set for one fall. Introducing first, already in the ring,weighing in at 240lbs pounds, Mr. Wrestling!"
(Mr. Wrestling pumps his fist to the crowd.)
CM:"And his opponent, weighing in at 215 pounds, Ryan "Big Pimpin" Wisler!"
("Pimp Juice" by Nelly plays as Wisler comes out from the back. )
MJ:"Alright fans. Here we go. Both men are in the ring now and the bell has sounded to get this match underway. They circle each other for a second, and now they lock up. Wisler grabs a side headlock, holds Mr. Wrestling's head with one arm and connects on a right hand to the face that stuns Mr. Wrestling!"
EB:"What move doesn't stun Mr. Wrestling. If he isn't in the World Book of Records for the most concussions suffered by one man, he should be."
MJ:"Wisler lets go of Mr. Wrestling, measures him for a second, and connects on a powerful super kick! And now he is headed to the top rope."
EB:"Wisler is one of the few wrestlers in the league with a high flying daredevil type style. His Olympic level speed makes him very dangerous."
MJ:"Wisler leaps from the top rope and nails a frog splash! Wisler grabs Mr. Wrestling and brings him to his feet. He steps back and bounces off the ropes before running and jumping onto Mr. Wrestling's shoulders, spinning around and delivering a reverse hurricanrana! That's the Pimp Flip! Now Wisler makes a cover!
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3!! Wisler wins it quickly and easily.
CM:"Your winner, via pinfall, Ryan "Big Pimpin" Wisler!"
MJ:"Big Pimpin makes an impressive debut here at Mayhem. It should be interesting to see where his future lies here in the USCW."
(Wisler makes his way to the back. The crowd seems to like his cocky attitude.)
MJ:"Well fans, next up we ha....."
("For Whom The Bell Tolls" by Metallica stars to play as Colossus makes his way from the back, with his World Tag Team belt over his shoulder. He strides down to the ring and takes the microphone from Cindy Maxwell.)
Colossus:"How's everybody doing tonight here in San Diego?"
(The crowd cheers.)
Colossus:"The USCW is doubling up in San Diego. The battle royal is later tonight, and then two weeks from now we return for Summer Spectacular. On that card, myself and Marcus Whitten defend these tag belts against The Immortals. I'm out here for one reason tonight. Marcus Whitten, I want the world to know right here and now tonight, that I am calling you out."
(A buzz goes through the crowd at this unexpected announcement.)
Colossus:"I'm calling you out to not screw this match up for me. You're my tag team partner, and I am forced to trust you for now. But let's not forget that the only reason we have these belts is because of what I worked out. I pinned Hades. I got the three count. I won us these belts. And you didn't have anything to do with it."
(The crowd reacts to these rather harsh words for the partner of Colossus.)
Colossus:"So drink your Natty Light, tell everybody it's Closing Time. And when the time comes to step into the ring at Summer Spectacular, don't blow this for me. I plan on keeping these belts for a while. And if I lose them because of you....., there will be hell to pay."
(Colossus hands the mic back to Maxwell and climbs out of the ring.)
MJ:"A pointed message to "Hard Hitten" Marcus Whitten. Colossus still seems to have very little faith in his partner."
EB:"Let's not forget that "Lightning" Scott Baxter just kind of stuck these two together. They have no history at all, at least not that we know of. They very well may never really trust each other or get along."
MJ:"As members of Paramount together, they need to make an effort. Speaking of Paramount, I'm getting word that Paramount founder Sweardog has a few words to say. He is backstage and our own Paul Sandler will join him."
(Scene opens with Sweardog sitting in the locker room and mentally rehearsing the exploitation of each of the wrestlers' weaknesses. It is an exercise he executes before each card to see how he will win the match. He even postulates the possible interruptions that could occur and mentally prepares for them as well. Sweardog is convinced that first you must see the victory before you can achieve it. Paul Sandler knocks on the open doorway.)
SD:"Hey, slapdick, come on in."
PS:"Um, set up over here?"
SD:"Yeah that's fine."
PS:"Alright, big guy. You're on."
SD:"I wanted to take the time to address tonight's 8- man Battle Royal if I could. There are some people out there who'd postulate I have no chance, mainly on the fact that I have never earned a title before. I say they are wrong. I have earned more than titles and belts. I have earned the respect of the fans as I am the one People's Champion of this league, and to the fans, I thank you for that. I am working diligently on exposing the weaknesses and strengths of each of the 7 other wrestlers. I will address each now."
SD:"The Lineman, my friend, I both hope it is and is not you I will be up against. I would suggest that the only case we should tie up would be if we have kicked everyone else's ass. However, I couldn't think of anyone I'd rather lose to than you. Happy hunting, yourself buddy."
SD:(speaking in caveman)"Captain Caveman, you funny. Sweardog like you. Sweardog not want to fight you, but will do so with respect of you. Me want title, just like you. Good luck, friend."
SD:"Secshun Ate, go get a dictionary you fucking moron. I will surely stomp a mudhole in your ass. I still haven't gotten over our last meeting. You need to be ready for me, because I will surely be ready for you."
SD:"The Big Shot, Crippler, DTM, and Cali Dream, I really don't know you guys and have no beef with you. But know this, guys, I am preparing to beat you out of that ring. I will be ready. You should prepare yourselves as well."
PS:"Sweardog, do you hav..."
SD:"Paul, don't fucking interrupt me. Fuck! I was on a good roll there for a while. Will you please, let me fuck this monkey without getting your fucking fingers in it? Jesus!"
PS:"A monkey?"
SD:"Oh fuck, Paul. It's a damn metaphor, you shithead. Just sit there and shut the fuck up. Were you born this fucking idiotic or have you been practicing?"
PS:"Practicing what?"
SD:"Oh Jesus, were you fucking dropped on your head as a kid?"
PS:"On my head?"
SD:"Well, yeah, your head how could..."
PS:"How could someone drop me on my own head?"
SD:"I meant, Thats..... Goddamn it, are YOU FUCKING WITH ME?!"
PS:"No I was just..."
SD:"Paul, just get the fuck out of my locker room. I can't put up another second of your stupidity without throwing a head bleed. Please see yourself out."
(Paul stands up and walks toward the door as Sweardog turns back to his studies. Scene fades to black.)
MJ:"Well, originally I was going to say that Sweardog sounded focused on the battle royal tonight. But then he seemed focused on ridiculing Paul Sandler."
EB:"I don't try to make sense of Sweardog. It's an exercise in futility."
MJ:"I forgot that asking you anything about Sweardog is bad idea. Well, we're ready to move along again. It's time for another USCW debut. Let's kick it to Cindy."
CM:"The following contest is set for one fall. Introducing first, already in the ring, weighting in at 250 pounds, "Iron" Mike Sharpe!"
(Sharpe raises his arm to acknowledge the fans.)
CM:"And his opponent, weighing in at 280 pounds, Mr. Chopper!"
("American Bad Ass" by Kid Rock starts to play as Mr. Chopper walks down to the ring. His brother The Crippler is with him. Mr. Chopper slides into the ring and takes the house mic from Cindy Maxwell.)
MC:"Tonight will be the beginning of my reign of destruction on the USCW. I am the brother of The Crippler and I came into the federation to make an impact and take notice. Tonight we be just the beginning and I will make an example out of Iron Mike Sharpe and I will show all the rest of the guys in the back what I have in me. Be scared. Be very scared."
(Mr. Chopper hands the mic back to Maxwell as the ref rings the bell.)
EB:"I'm scared. I'm scared this guy really thinks this is an important match."
MJ:"Easy Earl. This young guy is hyped up about his debut and there is nothing wrong with that. The bell has run now and we are underway. Mr. Chopper immediately closes the distance on Sharpe and the two lock up in the corner. Mr. Chopper drives a knee into the stomach of Sharpe. Sharpe doubles over and Mr. Chopper grabs him and plants him with a DDT!"
EB:"So far, so good. Maybe his enthusiasm will play off."
MJ:"Mr. Chopper picks Sharpe up and whips him into the ropes. Big spear from Mr. Chopper! He calls that Pedal to the Metal! And that leads up to the Orange County Crush! Mr. Chopper picks Sharpe up in a fireman's carry, then flips him up and over and slams him back first to the canvas! Here's a cover!
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3!! Mr. Chopper wins his debut!"
CM:"Your winner, via pinfall, Mr. Chopper!"
MJ:"Two successful debuts so far for new USCW stars."
EB:"The young blood keeps this league fresh. But let's not forget about the established stars that always find their way back to the USCW.
MJ:"That's right Earl. Which leads us to our next match. It's the return of a USCW superstar, "Sweet" Gordy Dix. He's already started making his presence felt and this is his in ring return. Let's take it dow..."
("Another One Bites The Dust" by Queen starts to play as Sweardog McKrackin makes his way out from the back.)
MJ:"Check that. It looks like Sweardog is coming down to the ringside area."
EB:"Wonderful."
(Sweardog walks over to the announcer's desk, grabs a headset, and sits down next to MJ.)
MJ:"Welcome to the broadcast."
SD:"Thanks MJ. Always a pleasure.
(Sweardog looks over at Backwater.)
SD:"What's up slapdick?"
EB:"Things were going pretty well tonight, but they have taken a turn for the worse recently."
MJ:"So Sweardog, what brings you down to the ring during this match?"
SD:"Well MJ, Paramount is at the top of the mountain in professional wrestling. But that doesn't mean we aren't always looking for fresh blood."
EB:"Are you thinking The Sweetness might join you? I don't know what you are smoking, but I hope you brought enough for everybody. In case you have forgotten, Dix hates you and always has."
SD:"You might be surprised. Guys that run around in skirts thinking they are immortal and young punks who think they own the place before their first match have a way of bringing old timers like he and I together."
MJ:"Interesting. Let's take it down to Cindy and get this match underway.
CM:"The following contest is set for one fall. Introducing first, already in the ring, weighing in at 207lbs, Paco Rodriguez!"
(Paco turns a backflip in the ring and plays to the crowd.)
EB:"The people love Paco."
CM:"And his opponent, weighing in at 275lbs, accompanied by Ashley, "Sweet" Gordy Dix!"
("Damn It Feels Good To Be A Gangsta" by Geto Boyz cranks up as Gordy walks out onto the ramp. He is wearing a large purple hat, purple shades, a white jacket with purple polkadots, purple pants and purple shoes. He is carrying a cane and a jeweled cup. Walking out with him is Ashley Donnelle. He struts down to the ring. He takes everything off except a pair of purple tights. He has a big heart tattoo on his right shoulder.)
MJ:"Gordy is ready now and this match is underway. Gordy charges over and starts working Paco over with right hands! He drops to a knee and catches Paco with a huge low blow!"
EB:"Ouch, that move never ceases to make me double over just looking at it."
SD:"Then again, you're worthless and weak."
EB:"Isn't there a village that would be missing their idiot by now?"
MJ:"Gordy scoops Paco up and sets him up and nails a Pedigree type move. He calls that move the Sac Smeller!"
EB:"And now here comes the Bump N Grind!"
MJ:"The ref makes his count.
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3!! Dix wins easily.
CM:"Your winner, via pinfall, "Sweet" Gordy Dix!"
MJ:"No surprises there. Dix makes quick work of Paco Rodriguez."
SD:"I've seen what I need to see. If you guys will excuse me, I have a US Championship to win."
(Sweardog takes off the headset and walks towards the back.)
EB:"The pleasure was all yours McKrackin."
MJ:"You two have got to cut that out."
EB:"Tell that to him."
MJ:"Anyway. Fans, we have reached the main event of the evening. Eight men will battle it out for the United States Heavyweight Championship in an over the top rope Battle Royal. Let's take it down to Cindy for the introductions.
CM:"The following contest is a Over The Top Rope Battle Royal and is for the United States Heavyweight Championship. Here are the participants. The Big Shot!
Secshun Ate!
The Lineman!
The Crippler!
The California Dream, Christopher Lee!
DTM!
Smackin Sweardog McKrackin!
Captain Caveman!"
(As their name is called, each wrestler emerges from the back and heads down to the ring until all eight men are in the ring.)
MJ:"The anticipation is building in the arena Earl. Everyone is on the edge of their seats for this one."
EB:"You can certainly feel th electricity in the air MJ."
MJ:"I will do my best to call this one fans but I can't make any promises. There will be too much going on to call it all. And there is the bell! This battle royal is underway! Sweardog and The Lineman have claimed one corner and are warding off anything looking to come that way."
EB:"Woah! Christopher Lee charged straight over and attacked Secshun Ate! No rolling out of the ring for Ate this match. The California Dream wants revenge for that pie to the face last week."
MJ:"And The Crippler and DTM have also paired off. Those two have had words recently. They are trading right hands. Captain Caveman has The Big Shot cornered on the far side and his wailing on him with multiple headbutts."
EB:"Oh boy! This is about to get really interesting! Here come some people down the ramp. Once again, they are dressed like members of the Bum Squad. But that's not the Bum Squad. Way too muscular and in the case of the girl, way too sexy."
MJ:"The "bums" have made their way to the ringside area. But look at this! Their arrival has sparked the arrival of more people from that back! Three men are on their way to the ring separately. I recognize one of them as The Benefactor! He is the California Dream's bodyguard and he is headed down to the ringside area."
EB:"And behind him coming down is the largest man I've ever seen."
MJ:"That looks like Mr. Chopper, but with him is an incredibly huge man we've never seen before. Meanwhile in the ring, things are absolutely out of control. The Caveman is in firm control of The Big Shot. The Big Shot is stunned and Captain Caveman nails him with a running headbutt and The Big Shot flips up and over the top rope! The Big Shot is eliminated!"
EB:"And look at the other side. Christopher Lee just hit Secshun Ate with a low blow! He grabs Secshun ate by the collar and tosses him over the top rope and down to the floor! Secshun Ate has been eliminated! We are down to six!"
MJ:"Look at the "bums" from earlier! Two of them are up on the ring apron behind Sweardog and The Lineman! The female taps The Lineman on the shoulder. He turns around and she slaps him across the face! He leans over the top rope and grabs at her but she ducks out of the way. But look at this! Captain Caveman got a running start and grabbed a leg of The Lineman! He is lifting him, trying to get him over the top! Sweardog sees it and is about to jump in, but the other bum punches him in the back of the head!"
EB:"Captain Caveman lets out a huge grunt and he gets The Lineman up and over! The Lineman is eliminated!"
MJ:"We are now down to five men! Christopher Lee sees Sweardog stunned and attacks him. The Crippler and DTM are still duking it out in the corner. I'm not sure DTM is at home in a match that he can't use his high risk skills as much but he is holding his own in a brawl with a much larger man. DTM connects on a kick to the gut. The Crippler is stunned. DTM nails a standing dropkick that staggers The Crippler back. He almost goes over the top but catches himself before he does!"
EB:"But he is still in trouble. Look at this! DTM is nuts! He is setting The Crippler up on the top turnbuckle! Instead of trying to throw him over the top, he is setting him up for the Death From Above!"
MJ:"But look at that! Someone just hopped the guard rail from the front row! It's Ryan Wisler! DTM is about try and hit the Death From Above. But The Crippler shakes the cobwebs loose and fires an elbow at DTM. They are trading blows while both standing on the top turnbuckle! Wisler is up on the ring apron. He just grabbed both men by their legs and pulled them to the outside! Both DTM and The Crippler are eliminated by interference from Ryan Wisler!"
EB:"That means we are down to three! Christopher Lee, Sweardog, and Captain Caveman!"
MJ:"Wow! That huge man that came down with Mr. Chopper saw Wisler interfere, and he grabbed Wisler by the neck. From the ground while Wisler is on the ring apron! And now he chokeslams Wisler to the floor!"
EB:"Wisler got what he wanted as far as interfering. But I'm sure he didn't want that."
MJ:"Sweardog is on the bad end of a beating from Christopher Lee right now. Lee started working on him after he took that punch from the "bum" and hasn't let up. Captain Caveman watches from the other side of the ring for a second then he charges over and nails Lee with the Caveman Clothesline!"
EB:"This hasn't been a terribly long battle royal, but the pace and fury in which these guys went after each other has been amazing. They have to be all exhausted right now."
MJ:"Captain Caveman picks Christopher Lee up and is dragging him to the side. He nails a big headbutt, and he picks Lee up and tosses him over the top rope! Now he turns back to face Sweardog!"
EB:"But look! Lee wasn't eliminated! He caught the top rope on the way over and held on! He pulled himself back up and he is still in this! But he's crouching on the ring apron. It looks like he is hiding from Captain Caveman and Sweardog!"
MJ:"Sweardog is back up now and he and Captain Caveman are staring each other down now. The crowd is going absolutely crazy!"
(The arena almost shakes as the crowd cheers loudly for who they think are the last two men in the battle royal.)
MJ:"Sweardog and Captain Caveman start trading punches in the middle of the ring of the ring. Sweardog connects on a big right hand. The grabs Captain Caveman and goes for a whip into the ropes. Captain Caveman reverses it and whips Sweardog into the ropes."
(The large bum reaches up and grabs the ropes, pulling them way down.)
MJ:"Sweardog goes to bounces off the ropes, but the "bum" pulled them down! Sweardog tumbles over the top! He is eliminated!"
EB:"I think the Benefactor just slipped something to the Lee on the ring apron. Lee slides in the ring behind Captain Caveman!"
MJ:"Captain Caveman thinks he has won! But Lee nails him from behind! Captain Caveman staggers forward and Lee comes running with a clothesline and knocks Captain Caveman over the top rope! The Battle Royal is over!"
CM:"Your winner, and new USCW United States Champion, "The Calif....."
("Crazy Train" by Ozzy Osbourne kicks in and "Lightning" Scott Baxter appears at the top of the ramp with a microphone.)
LSB:"Woah, woah, woah. No title is going to be decided like that in a league that I'm in charge of. Outside interference, illegal objects."
(Lee puts him hands behind his back in the ring to try and hide the brass knuckles on his hand.)
LSB:"I was cool with everything until we got to this last three. So here's what we are going to do. Lee, you proved that you are a pretty tough competitor. But you are not the champion. The title is held up until Summer Spectacular!"
(The crowd reacts with a mix of cheers and gasps.)
LSB:"And at Summer Spectacular, it will be "The California Dream" Christopher Lee versus Captain Caveman versus Sweardog McKrackin in a Triple Threat Match for the United States Heavyweight Championship!"
(Sweardog pumps his fist on the outside as Lee stomps the mat in disgust. Captain Caveman is also on his feet now, but he has no reaction other than looking confused. Baxter stares down at the ring for a second before making his way to the back.)
MJ:"A major announcement from the commissioner. A Triple Threat Match at Summer Spectacular for the US Title! And now all the men still down at ringside have decided the Battle Royal wasn't enough! They are all brawling again! Fans, we are out of time! Join us next Monday Night as the USCW continues it's West Coast swing from the America West Arena in Phoenix, AZ! For Earl Backwater, this is Mike Johnson. Good night everybody!"
(The groups brawl in the ringside area. USCW security start to run in to try to restore order as an overhead camera sweeps the crowd, and then settles on the red USCW logo in the center of the ring as the camera fades to black.)