LSB:"It doesn't get any better than
this MJ. We're in sunny San Diego at the San Deigo Sports Arena,
just a couple of miles from the Pacific Ocean. Tonight will be
without a doubt the most exciting action the USCW has ever seen.
There is a buzz in the air here tonight unlike any I have ever felt
before. Even when I was wrestling for the USCW. We go into
tonight with alot of questions. And hopefully we will walk out
with a lot of answers. "
MJ:"Let's quickly run down the
matches that will take place here tonight. First up tonight is a
ladder match between the two high flying specialists of the USCW,
Tornado O'Conner and Simon Rose."
LSB:"These are two of the quickest
and most agile wrestlers you will ever see. Tonight, a Beach Bash
Trophy will be suspended above the ring, and the first man to secure
possession of the trophy will be declared the winner. Should be
amazing to see."
MJ:"The next match will feature the
heads of rivals organizations squaring off in a submission cage
match. The first man to make the other man tap out or pass out
from a submission hold will be declared the winner."
LSB:"Sniper and Sweardog have started
a rivalry that is not likely to end with this match. But whoever
can come out on top will definately get a leg up in the ongoing
feud. Don't forget that this is the match that CEO Adams
announced would have a special mystery guest referee. I can't
wait to find out who that might be."
MJ:"The next match will feature six
men in the ring at once. A Tornado Tag Match for the USCW World
Tag Team Titles."
LSB:"This one should be a doosy
MJ. The Def B.I. Posse versus Assassin & Mercenary of the
Boot Camp Click versus Dr. Thanatos & Jeff "Boomtown" Rodeo, who
may be the newest member of the Rezolution after last week. This
should be an all out war from the opening bell."
MJ:"That leaves us with one match,
one of the biggest matches ever in the USCW. Watch this fans to
get ready for tonights main event."
(A promo video
begins to play.)
They said it was
going to happen sooner than later...
Adams:"Everyone
and their brother has known from the start of this that you two would
have to meet in the ring. So the main event at Beach Bash, is a
best 2 out of 3 falls match for the World Heavyweight Title between
"Bad Karma" RJ Souza and Thunderbolt Lightfoot!"
The words have
cut like a knife.
RJ
Souza:"The modern Indians run Casinos and drink their heretige away
with Wild Turkey. They no longer plant for harvest. They don't respect
the traditions of their forfathers. They are a bunch of lazy tribes who
wait for a government hand out. Everything you stand for, Lightfoot, It
makes me want to puke."
Thunderbolt Lightfoot:"The slur on my
family that flew from your mouth is inexcusable! You like running
the honor of good people into the ground. Well, when I am through
with you, I will have brought honor back to my people and the Trail of
Tears will be like a summer stroll compared to YOUR suffering! I
do not ask the gods for protection. I don't need it."
RJ Souza:"Thunderbolt doesn't respect
me. I hear what you have to say about me, Lightfoot. I'm not
impressed with you. You are dangerously close to being sent back to
your reservation like the squaw that you are."
Thunderbolt Lightfoot:"You simply can not get the job done. You tried to jump me from behind with a baseball bat. I'm still standing. You tried to send your henchmen to surprise me in my locker room."
RJ Souza:" You are looking into your greatest test to date, and you are going to flunk it. These hands and my mind is ready to take down the
giant who walks. Not because I walk with the Criminal Nation, because I walk alone. I walk with one goal...USCW champion."
Thunderbolt Lightfoot:"I am going to destroy you. For the honor of my people, the storm is coming for you RJ Souza and when the Thunder Rolls, the disgusting spot on the USCW map will be wiped clean!!!!!"
Thunderbolt Lightfoot:"You simply can not get the job done. You tried to jump me from behind with a baseball bat. I'm still standing. You tried to send your henchmen to surprise me in my locker room."
Promises have been
made.
RJ Souza:" You are looking into your greatest test to date, and you are going to flunk it. These hands and my mind is ready to take down the
giant who walks. Not because I walk with the Criminal Nation, because I walk alone. I walk with one goal...USCW champion."
Thunderbolt Lightfoot:"I am going to destroy you. For the honor of my people, the storm is coming for you RJ Souza and when the Thunder Rolls, the disgusting spot on the USCW map will be wiped clean!!!!!"
USCW presents
the One True Warrior, Thunderbolt Lightfoot, taking on The Man In
Black, RJ Souza, in a two out of three pinfalls match for the
Heavyweight Championship of the World.
MJ:"The
main event tonight is going to blow the roof off of the Sports
Arena. The long anticipated match up of Thunderbolt Lightfoot and
RJ Souza. And with the USCW World Heavyweight Championship on the
line."
LSB:"USCW is just starting back up, but this match up of arguably the two biggest names in the league is the biggest match I can think of in quite some time."
(A pyro of red flame goes off out on both sides of the ramp as "Eat the Rich" by Aerosmith begins to play and Steven Tyler's "Wake Up Kids" rap begins:
"Wake up kids, it's half past your youth...ain't nuthin' really changed but the date...you're a big league slammer, but you're no Babe Ruth...ya gotta learn how to relate...or you'll be swingin' from the pearly gate....got it all figured out...but low and behold...ya got the right key baby...but the wrong..key...hole...JOE!
At the first guitar riff, flames shoot out from both sides of the ramp and Dr. Nicholas Thanatos appears at the head of the ramp. He takes off running down the ramp and slides in under the ropes and to the middle of the ring.)
MJ:"Apparently we are going to hear from Thanatos."
(Pyrotechnics flash as the gorgeous silhouette of Ms. Kitty flashes on the overhead screen followed by others clips of her dressed in short and tight outfits displaying her every curve. The crowd goes wild when they realize that Sweardog and Ms. Kitty are on their way out now. As she steps out onto the ramp, the rap by the 69 boyz "Here Kitty, Kitty" begins to play as she struts out to the ring and stands up on the outside of the ropes waving to everybody. She is wearing black boots, pink hot pants, and a tight cut off t- shirt that reads, "REZ" on the back and "Get Stomped" on the front. She sets puts one leg in the ring and keeps one out she arches her back and pulls the bottom rope up.)
(The bass kicks in to Queen's "Another One Bites The Dust" as Sweardog comes running out. The crowd's cheers as he slides into the ring where Kitty has pulled the ropes up. As he climbs into the ring, just before Ms. Kitty hands him a mic, he nods to Baxter and mouths "whats up, slapdick" He looks away as kitty hands him a mic.)
MJ:"Ok, we're going to hear from all of Rezolution."
SD:"It seems our little venture has reached some of those who care about the USCW. The REZ is a stable to help keep those who don't care from sabotaging other peoples matches and to help alleviate others taking advantage of those who have already been defeated from any more unnecessary abuse...It is also one for kicking some ass..."
(The crowd roars louder.)
SD "...Especially those of the summer camp click, and I am glad there are others who feel the same way. Jeff "Boomtown" Rodeo."
(Crowd explodes in cheers.)
SD:"If you have the balls to stand up for the little guy and to not take crap from the big guy. To protect those who are down from those who are unfair. To not be intimidated by people like the click and baxter over here who think we are trying to relive our youth by playing superhero. If you got what it takes, then get your mud stomping ass down here!!!! You're not the problem, you're the Rezolution!!!"
(Crowd cheers. After a couple of moments an elaborate pyrotechnics displays begins to go off as "To Be Young" plays over the arena speakers. Rodeo starts to make his way to the ring wearing a black "Rodeo" t-shirt. Ms. Kitty hugs him. Thanatos fist bumps him. Sweardog hands him a REZ t-shirt and shakes his hand and raises his wrist up in the air together with his own and Ms. Kitty's. They all start walking around the ring pumping up the crowd who is cheering loudly. Rodeo takes the mic.)
Rodeo:"The time has come here in the USCW for the young athletes that want to combat this evil and pretentious attitude, that most of the wrestlers in this league cling to, to come together and stand up for our beliefs, and stand up against the things that we hate. As a part of the Rezolution I don’t have to worry about my back when I put the Bottle Rocket on Sniper, or RJ Souza. Believe it the day is coming, both of you, when you will fall to the explosiveness that is “Boomtown” Rodeo."
(The crowd begins to chant, "REZ,REZ,REZ!!!!" as those in the ring stand in awe at the crowd's reaction. SD begins to speak again.)
SD:"This isn't the only surprise I have for you tonight...I have another surprise for you. The fans. Those who I count on for encouragement and motivation. I have a little something planned for tonight. Tonight, sniper will enter the cage with the mad Sweardog, and he will tap, but he will tap to a specially designed move I call.....
The Hind Leg! You see, I got hold of some old medical records and found out about the repaired ACL injury he sustained while on a mission. I have always seen a little uneven weight distribution in his walk. This match is my one goal. I will accomplish it. Who's ready for some stompin'?"
(The crowd goes wild as all the members of the Rez pump them up together before making their way to the back.)
LSB:"USCW is just starting back up, but this match up of arguably the two biggest names in the league is the biggest match I can think of in quite some time."
(A pyro of red flame goes off out on both sides of the ramp as "Eat the Rich" by Aerosmith begins to play and Steven Tyler's "Wake Up Kids" rap begins:
"Wake up kids, it's half past your youth...ain't nuthin' really changed but the date...you're a big league slammer, but you're no Babe Ruth...ya gotta learn how to relate...or you'll be swingin' from the pearly gate....got it all figured out...but low and behold...ya got the right key baby...but the wrong..key...hole...JOE!
At the first guitar riff, flames shoot out from both sides of the ramp and Dr. Nicholas Thanatos appears at the head of the ramp. He takes off running down the ramp and slides in under the ropes and to the middle of the ring.)
MJ:"Apparently we are going to hear from Thanatos."
(Pyrotechnics flash as the gorgeous silhouette of Ms. Kitty flashes on the overhead screen followed by others clips of her dressed in short and tight outfits displaying her every curve. The crowd goes wild when they realize that Sweardog and Ms. Kitty are on their way out now. As she steps out onto the ramp, the rap by the 69 boyz "Here Kitty, Kitty" begins to play as she struts out to the ring and stands up on the outside of the ropes waving to everybody. She is wearing black boots, pink hot pants, and a tight cut off t- shirt that reads, "REZ" on the back and "Get Stomped" on the front. She sets puts one leg in the ring and keeps one out she arches her back and pulls the bottom rope up.)
(The bass kicks in to Queen's "Another One Bites The Dust" as Sweardog comes running out. The crowd's cheers as he slides into the ring where Kitty has pulled the ropes up. As he climbs into the ring, just before Ms. Kitty hands him a mic, he nods to Baxter and mouths "whats up, slapdick" He looks away as kitty hands him a mic.)
MJ:"Ok, we're going to hear from all of Rezolution."
SD:"It seems our little venture has reached some of those who care about the USCW. The REZ is a stable to help keep those who don't care from sabotaging other peoples matches and to help alleviate others taking advantage of those who have already been defeated from any more unnecessary abuse...It is also one for kicking some ass..."
(The crowd roars louder.)
SD "...Especially those of the summer camp click, and I am glad there are others who feel the same way. Jeff "Boomtown" Rodeo."
(Crowd explodes in cheers.)
SD:"If you have the balls to stand up for the little guy and to not take crap from the big guy. To protect those who are down from those who are unfair. To not be intimidated by people like the click and baxter over here who think we are trying to relive our youth by playing superhero. If you got what it takes, then get your mud stomping ass down here!!!! You're not the problem, you're the Rezolution!!!"
(Crowd cheers. After a couple of moments an elaborate pyrotechnics displays begins to go off as "To Be Young" plays over the arena speakers. Rodeo starts to make his way to the ring wearing a black "Rodeo" t-shirt. Ms. Kitty hugs him. Thanatos fist bumps him. Sweardog hands him a REZ t-shirt and shakes his hand and raises his wrist up in the air together with his own and Ms. Kitty's. They all start walking around the ring pumping up the crowd who is cheering loudly. Rodeo takes the mic.)
Rodeo:"The time has come here in the USCW for the young athletes that want to combat this evil and pretentious attitude, that most of the wrestlers in this league cling to, to come together and stand up for our beliefs, and stand up against the things that we hate. As a part of the Rezolution I don’t have to worry about my back when I put the Bottle Rocket on Sniper, or RJ Souza. Believe it the day is coming, both of you, when you will fall to the explosiveness that is “Boomtown” Rodeo."
(The crowd begins to chant, "REZ,REZ,REZ!!!!" as those in the ring stand in awe at the crowd's reaction. SD begins to speak again.)
SD:"This isn't the only surprise I have for you tonight...I have another surprise for you. The fans. Those who I count on for encouragement and motivation. I have a little something planned for tonight. Tonight, sniper will enter the cage with the mad Sweardog, and he will tap, but he will tap to a specially designed move I call.....
The Hind Leg! You see, I got hold of some old medical records and found out about the repaired ACL injury he sustained while on a mission. I have always seen a little uneven weight distribution in his walk. This match is my one goal. I will accomplish it. Who's ready for some stompin'?"
(The crowd goes wild as all the members of the Rez pump them up together before making their way to the back.)
MJ:"The
Rezolution grows one member stronger. That puts all of the three
main factions in the league having three wrestling members.
Things are
really heating up around here. Well fans. We are ready for
the opening match of the evening. Cindy."
CM:"The following contest is a ladder match and the winner will be determined by who pulls the Beach Bash trophy off of the hook it is hung from above the ring. Introducing first, weighing in at 227 pounds and hailing from Oxford, England, Simon Rose!"
("In Like The Rose" begins to play as Simon comes down to the ring in a purple and while robe, accompanied by Lily Rose.)
CM:"And his opponent, weighing in at 207 pounds and hailing from Newark, New Jersey, Tornado O'Conner!"
("When Worlds Collide" begins to play as O'Conner strides down to the ring.)
MJ:"We are ready to go here in this ladder match. The ladder is laying on the outside to start the match. We'll see who can gain an advantage and retrieve the ladder to the ring. The bell rings and Rose immediately charges O'Conner and tries to nail him with a clothesline. O'Conner ducks under. Rose bounces off the ropes and goes for another clothesline! This time a leapfrog by O'Conner. Rose bounces off one more time and this time Tornado has it timed and jumps, lands on Rose's shoulders and takes him down with a hurricanrana!"
LSB:"The agility it takes to pull off some of these moves never ceases to impress me. I wouldn't have let the little jumping bean do it to me, but it was impressive to watch on somebody else."
MJ:"Tornado is wasting no time and is going for the ladder on the outside. He slides it into the ring but as he moves to slide in he's met by a drop kick from Simon Rose! Rose measures him now and drops an elbow. Rose grabs the ladder and attempts to set it up but Tornado makes it to his feet and nails Rose from behind."
LSB:"Not going to be quite that easy for Rose."
MJ:"Tornado heading up top now. Moonsault from the top onto Rose! What a high impact move!"
LSB:"Tornado has been chomping at the bit to show the world what he can do. His debut match with Mr. Wrestling was cut very short by Sniper jumping Mr. Wrestling before the match. He has been very excited to get a chance to showcase himself."
MJ:"Tornado is setting up the ladder now and climbing to the top! He is almost there! Wait, Rose is up and he is climbing the ladder also! They climbed up opposite sides and now are at the top rungs together! They are trying to balance and punch each other at the same time!"
LSB:"Tornado gets in a good right hand and stuns Rose. He climbs up to the top of the ladder and brings the stunned Rose up with him!"
MJ:"Tornado picks Rose up and he does a spinning falcon slam from the top of the ladder to the mat!!!!!! Oh my God!"
LSB:"Medic!!! Where's that new Joe Lifesaver dude when you need him? I think they are both out!"
MJ:"Both men are laid out in the ring but Tornado is starting to stir and Rose is still motionless. I think Tornado is going to get to his feet first."
LSB:"Let's see. Rose got dropped on the back of his head from 20 feet in the air. Tornado is the one who dropped Rose on the back of his head. Gee, you think he's getting up first?"
MJ:"Tornado is up now but still groggy. He is climbing the ladder once again. He is at the top. The trophy is hanging from a strap just above the ladder. He jumps but misses it. He almost falls off the ladder but manages to keep his balance. But look in the ring."
LSB:"Somehow Rose is back on his feet. He's headed towards the ladder!"
MJ:"Rose is going to push the ladder over! Tornado jumps again! Rose pushes the ladder over!"
LSB:"He got it! Tornado is hanging onto the trophy! He needs to pull it a little harder to get it loose!"
MJ:"Rose picks up the ladder! He's going to try and hit Tornado with it while he's hanging from the trophy! Tornado gives it one more pull. He's got it! Tornado crashes to the mat with the trophy!"
CM:"Your winner, via claiming the Ladder Match Trophy, Tornado O'Conner!"
MJ:"What a match! O'Conner takes the W in this opening match of Beach Bash 2004."
LSB:"You can't help but be impressed with the determination of the USCW's smallest competitor. We'll see if he can take this momentum and use it to make a push for a title."
MJ:"Fans, I'm hearing now that we have a tape of something that happened backstage during the match. Take a look at this."
(The scene opens to reveal the inside of the Boot Camp Click dressing room. All three members are sitting in folding chairs, apparently discussing strategy for the night. Suddenly, smoke and the noise of small explosions fill the room. The Click quickly jet from their seats and spread to the corners of the room. After a second, the noise stops. When the smoke clears, Sniper walks over to where it was all coming from. The camera zooms in to reveal the remains of a large pack of Black Cat firecrackers. Sniper takes it and throws it against the wall in digust.
The scenes shifts to outside the dressing room and down the hall where Jeff "Boomtown" Rodeo is standing with what appears to be some sort of detonator, laughing uncontrollably as the scene fades.)
MJ:"We had wondered what Rodeo was up to sneaking into the arena earlier in the week. I suppose those were the kind of pranks that got him kicked out of many a private school."
LSB:"The Boot Camp Click doesn't like to made fun of. I'm sure the Click will have their sights set on Rodeo in the near future."
(Suddenly four women walk out from the back wearing camo mini-skirts and bikini tops. They are each carrying a basket and begin to hand out something to all the kids close the ramp and around ringside.)
MJ:"Look at this! What are these women handing out?"
(One of the drop deap gorgeous girls comes over to Baxter at the announcers table. She grabs one of the items from her basket and hands it to him. Then she bends over seductively and gives him a kiss on the cheek.)
MJ:"LSB, what is that she gave you?"
LSB(dreamily):"What?"
MJ:"Hey, snap out of it! What are those girls passing out?"
LSB:"Oh, uh, looks like a camoflauge laser pointer. Has Boot Camp Click on it in white letters."
MJ:"This seems like odd behavior for the Boot Camp Click. Giving out gifts to little kids? I wonder what's going on?"
LSB:"I don't know. But I really would like to know who she was."
(The girls finish handing out the laser pointers and head to the back.)
MJ:"Ok, big man. Focus on this next match please. Let's take it down to Cindy."
CM:"The following contest is set for one fall and is a submission cage match."
(A giant cage descends from the rafters and completely encloses the ring, including the top. It only leaves a couple of feet on each side of the ring.)
CM:"This match will have a special guest referee. Guest referee, make your way to the ring."
(After a couple seconds of silence green, pink, and yellow fireworks shoot off and "Damn It Feels Good To Be A Gangsta" starts to play as "Sweet" Gordy Dix struts out from the back wearing a striped referee shirt. He has on neon green wrestling shorts and no shoes.)
MJ:"Oh my goodness!"
LSB:"Shouldn't that be "Oh my Sweetness?""
MJ:"What has the CEO done now? He has given control of this match to one of the most notorius figures in USCW history! Once a prominent member of the USCW's most powerful faction, the Pimps, Playa's and Hustlers, it looks like the Sweetness has found his way back into the USCW. Gordy's crude behavior and ruthless tactics have gotten him kicked out of most wrestling organizations he tries to join, but this is the one he really seemed to find himself in. He was the cruiserweight champion several years ago, but he certainly doesn't look like a cruiserweight now. He looks like he hit the gym and put on some serious muscle."
LSB:"That would not seem to bode well for Sniper in my book. Those two were the worst of enemies back in the day. Sniper was orginally a member of the PP&H, then was turned on and beat down by all the members in a massive doublecross. That's when he struck out on his own and recruited members of the original Boot Camp Click."
MJ:"Gordy has made his way into the cage now and is awaiting the participants."
CM:"Introducing first, weighing in at 235 pounds and hailing from Gulfport, MS, Smackin' Sweardog McKrackin!"
(“Another One Bites The Dust” by “Queen” plays as Smackin' Sweardog McKrackin and Ms. Kitty make their way to the ring. He is wearing black pants with a blue shirt that says “Bad Dog” on the back in orange writing. He plays to the crowd all the way down the ramp. He is carrying t-shirts with him and tossing them periodically into the crowd. He gives Ms. Kitty a quick kiss and gets into the cage.)
MJ:"Sweardog looks focused and ready in this one. I'm sure it's hard to be focused after witnessing Dix coming down as the referee."
LSB:"Well, both are originally from Gulfport, MS. Maybe they have been cooking this up together."
CM:"And his opponent, weighing in at 240 pounds and hailing from an undisclosed location, Sniper!"
("Bombs over Baghdad" starts to play but once again no one comes out.)
MJ:"Ok, this is getting ridiculous. Tell me he is going to show up this time."
LSB:"Wait, isn't that Mr. Wrestling?"
(Mr. Wrestling makes his way nervously down the ramp. You can tell something isn't right as he has both his arms up like he is being robbed as he comes down the ramp and the sweat is pouring out of his red and blue mask. As he walks down, you can notice a red dot on the back of his mask.)
MJ:"Look at that dot! It must be the Boot Camp Click! They must be forcing him down here at gun point!"
LSB:"That's absurd. There are 300 kids in here with laser pointers. Hell, I've got one. It could be anybody putting a dot on him. Mr. Wrestling is a weirdo anyway."
MJ:"Well, this is getting very weird because Mr. Wrestling just got into the cage like he is going to fight this match.
LSB:"Look at Sweardog. He doesn't know what to think. He's still looking for Sniper to show up any second."
MJ:"Mr. Wrestling isn't waiting! He took advantage of Sweardog still looking around and nails him from behind with a clothesline! Wait a minute, that actually did damage!"
LSB:"But Mr. Wrestling can't do....... Look! Look at that!"
MJ:"The mask just came off and it is Sniper in the Mr. Wrestling suit! "Sweet" Gordy just locked the cage door and has signaled for the bell!"
LSB:"Sniper takes the advantage from the beginning with a surprise attack from behind."
MJ:"I think he had us all fooled with that one LSB. Sniper is stomping away on the back of Sweardog now. Or most specifically the neck area. I'm sure he would love to soften it up a bit for that Columbian Necktie."
LSB:"We've never seen either one of these competitors in a submission only matchup. We know Sniper likes to use the Necktie to end his matches, and Sweardog claims he has been developing a new submission move just for this occaision."
MJ:"Sniper picks Sweardog up now and rams his head into the side of the cage above the ropes. And again. He goes for a third ram but Sweardog blocks it and slams Sniper into the cage. Sweardog turns the tables and now he has the advantage."
LSB:"So far Gordy is acting pretty impartial, just watching the action and ready to see if someone gives up."
MJ:"Sweardog lines Sniper up and slams him down with a big suplex. His turn to work Sniper over with some stomps. These are directed at what Sweardog claimed to be a surgically repaired ligament in Snipers knee. Sweardog brings Sniper to his feet and is setting him up for..... Hey. What happened? Somebody shined a laser pointer into the ring into the eyes of Sweardog!"
LSB:"Wasn't me. Mine is right here."
MJ:"Sweardog is temporarily distracted and Sniper connects on a low blow that takes Sweardog off his feet and into the fetal position."
LSB:"A couple more of those and he may be ready to give up. Or I'll give up for him."
MJ:""Sweet" Gordy admonishes Sniper some but allows things to continue. Sniper picks Sweardog up. Mini-chokeslam! A signature move from the marine. Sniper is picking Sweardog up and is putting him in the Columbian Necktie!"
LSB:"This could be it!"
MJ:"Sweardog is flailing around, trying to break the hold. He flops to the ground, almost out of breath! He grabs the ropes!"
LSB:"Gordy jumps in and pulls Sniper off of him. Sweardog was able to fight it off, but just barely. And he may be in alot of trouble now."
MJ:"Sniper drags Sweardog to his feet. He whips him into the far side corner. Sniper charges in and nails Sweardog with a clothesline! He grabs him again and whips him into the opposite corner. He charges in again but this time Sweardog gets a boot up!"
LSB:"He's got a little fight left."
MJ:"Sweardog starts firing away with left and right hands! Sweardog is a house of fire! A big right hand floors Sniper. Sweardog bounces off the ropes and as soon as Sniper makes it to his feet Sweardog levels him with a clothesline! He's really got it going now!"
LSB:"Now Sniper is the one in trouble. He's in a lot of pain. I don't know if he could fight off a submission."
MJ:"Looks like we're about to find out! Sweardog is moving towards Sniper.."
(The lights go out in the arena.)
MJ:"What the? The lights just went out! It is pitch black dark in here!"
(A voice comes over the arena sound system.)
Voice:"Hey, kids, see if you can point you laser and find Sweardog!"
(Lazer pointers start clicking on through out the arena and slowly search the ring until they all point at Sweardog. Sweardog is actually the only thing visible in the ring.)
MJ:"The distraction has allowed Sniper enough time to recover, and he nails Sweardog from behind once again!"
LSB:"This was the plan all along! Sniper could see Sweardog in the dark with the laser pointers!"
MJ:"The lights now come back on and Sniper is in control! He picks Sweardog up, lifts him into a suplex position. He walks backwards a couple of steps and slams him back into the cage. But he keeps his balance, walks forwards slams Sweardog back down face first into the mat!"
LSB:"Nice move there. Sniper is looking to take advantage of the breaks he has received thus far."
MJ:"Sweardog is struggling to his feet and once again Sniper is going for the Columbian Necktie! He circles behind Sweardog and tries to lock it in!"
LSB:"If he gets it this time it's over! Sweardog is in the center of the ring!"
MJ:"Swear has a hand in blocking the move. He grabs the top of Sniper's head with his other hand and drops down and delivers a big jawbreaker to Sniper! What a move!"
LSB:"Nice counter by Sweardog! Does he have enough left to capitalize?"
MJ:"Sweardog is up now and picks Sniper up. He whips him into the ropes. He catches him on the way back and Dog Slam! That running chokeslam has put Sweardog firmly in control! But does Sweardog have enough energy to make Sniper tap?!?
LSB:"Look at "Sweet" Gordy. He is going over to check on Sniper who looks out of it. That's odd. Did he just? Couldn't have."
MJ:"Sweardog is making his way over to Sniper, who is still face down in the ring. He stops to face the crowd and is calling for the Hind Leg! That's the submission move he said he would beat Sniper with! He is about to put it on! But no! Sniper with a last ditch effort manages to roll over and punch Sweardog in the face! And Sweardog is out!"
LSB:"You bet he is out! That's what I thought I saw. "Sweet" Gordy Dix slipped a pair of brass knuckles to Sniper! And Sniper knocked Sweardog cold with them! Ms. Kitty looks horrified outside the cage. I'll have to console her later."
MJ:"Sniper struggles to his feet and pulls Sweardog up. He puts him in the Necktie again. He's already knocked out. "Sweet" Gordy Dix is signaling for the bell!"
CM:"Your winner, via submission, Sniper!"
MJ:"Sniper pulls off a win in a match Sweardog was winning, minus the distractions, when he got the biggest help of all from "Sweet" Gordy Dix!"
LSB:"I for one would never have thought that."
MJ:"The Sweetness is raising Sniper's hand to the crowd. Oh! All of a sudden Gordy kicks Sniper in the groin! Gordy picks him up and slams him down with a Rock Bottom type move!"
LSB:"The Tubesteak Shake!"
MJ:"It looks like "Sweet" Gordy has the microphone."
SDG:"I'm here to shake things up a little. These two turdpokers are the heads of two of the alliances here? Give me a break. They'll both be my bitches before too much longer. The boys are back!"
(Gordy moves to pick Sniper up when all of a sudden Mercenary comes repelling from the rafters with a rifle. At the same time Assassin comes streaking down the ramp. Mercenary shoots the lock off the cage. Gordy sees this going on, drops Sniper and quickly takes off out of the cage and through the crowd just before Assassin can get there.)
MJ:"What a turn of events! First Gordy helps Sniper win, then attacks him after the match. This is just the kind of unpredictability that Dix brings to the table."
(Mercenary and Assassin scowl at Sweardog before helping Sniper get to his feet. The three then head to the back. Ms. Kitty then runs in and walks with Sweardog to the back. Sweardog has a look of hatred like we've never seen before on his face.)
LSB(in Sweardog's direction:"Walk it off big guy."
MJ:"I don't think now is the time, LSB. What a match. And we still have two more quality matches to go. Fans, I'm getting word there is a developing situation backstage."
(Scene changes to show the door to Thunderbolt Lightfoot's dressing room. Outside are a few of the ring crew. We see that the door has a huge metal plate welded to it, welding the door shut. The men are standing around, shaking their heads.)
MJ:"What an odd development that is. Thunderbolt Lightfoots door is welded shut!"
LSB:"I'm pretty sure the ref wouldn't care why Thunderbolt didn't make it to the ring. He'd lose just the same."
MJ:"We need to get somebody on getting that door open. Well fans, this next match could be the craziest we've ever had. Six men in the ring at one time, vying for the World Tag Team Titles. Cindy."
CM:"The following contest is set for one fall and is a 6 man Tornado Tag Match. Introducing first, from Haywood, CA, JRG & Ricky J, the Def B.I. Posse!"
("Judgement Night" by Onyx and Bio-Hazard starts to play as the Ghetto Giant JRG and Ricky J come down to the ring.)
MJ:"We haven't had a chance to see this team in action yet other than brawls outside of the ring. We'll see what they bring to the table."
CM:"Introducing next, hailing from undisclosed locations, Assassin & Mercenary, the Boot Camp Click!"
("Boot Camp Click" by The T-Town Posse plays as Assassin & Mercenary come to the ring with stern looks.)
CM:"And finally, hailing from Austin, TX and Boston, Mass, Jeff "Boomtown" Rodeo and Dr. Thanatos, The Rezolution!"
(Dr. Thanatos and Rodeo come on a dead sprint and slides into the ring as the bell rings to start the match.)
MJ:"And here we go! Remember fans in a Tornado Tag Match that all the participants are in the ring at the same time. So I won't be able to call everything that is happening. I will do my best to keep up."
LSB:"You're already missing everything! This isn't a wrestling match, it's a street brawl!"
MJ:"The wrestlers have paired off and are throwing repeated right and left hands. No one is gaining an advantage at this point."
LSB:"I don't see how anyone is going to gain an advantage out of this one. It's total chaos."
MJ:"Well, the Def B.I. Posse have managed to fight their way back to back, and are doing a decent job of holding down their part of the ring."
LSB:"Meanwhile, Assassin and Mercenary seem grow tired of trading blows and slid to the outside."
MJ:"So we actually have some room in the ring now! Rodeo and Thanatos go after the Def B.I. Posse! They double clothesline Ricky J! He goes down. Now they turn around and are double clotheslined by JRG, the seven foot giant!"
LSB:"Assassin and Mercenary use the opportunity to slide back in. Assassin goes for a punch which is deflected by JRG but Mercenary connects on a kick to the gut, which doubles over the big man. Assassin and Mercenary pick him up together and nail a double suplex!"
MJ:"Now Ricky J is back up and drop kicks Assassin. Assassin tumbles over the top rope! Ricky J spring boards to the outside off the top rope and splashes Assassin on the outside! Both men are down!"
LSB:"Now the Rez has regrouped and are double teaming Mercenary! Right and left hands now they double irish whip Mercenary into the ropes and he is met by a big boot by JRG who is back on his feet!"
MJ:"We told you this would be a wild one folks. Mercenary slides out of the ring and regroups with Assassin. Ricky J is back up now and slides into the ring. The Def B.I. posse and the Rez are circling one another. And they tie into once again. This time Rodeo has Ricky J and sends him up and over the top rope. JRG with a clubbing forearm to Dr. Thanatos. Rodeo hits the big man from behind! Dr. Thanatos and Rodeo bounce off the ropes together and JRG goes for another doubleclothesline but this time they duck it, stop and nail double standing drop kicks on JRG!"
LSB:"But it's just in time once again for the Boot Camp Click to slide in and jump them from behind! The Boot Camp Click is in control now. They knock down Rodeo and are doubling teaming Dr. Thanatos. Mercenary is holding him while Assassin pounds away! Assassin backs up to bounce off the ropes. He is grabbed by the throat by JRG!"
MJ:"And Ricky J is on the top rope! But what is this?"
LSB:"It's Sniper running down the ramp. And he's got a, a, holy s(bleep). He's got a grenade!"
(MJ dives under the desk.)
(Sniper runs by the ring and tosses the grenade into the ring and continues to run right out of the building.)
LSB:"Incoming! Look out! Wait, the grenade isn't exploding, it's starting to smoke! Meanwhile Ricky J has lept from the top, combining with JRG's chokeslam to nails Assassin into the canvas!"
(MJ comes out from under the desk.)
MJ:"That's the 1-8-7! JRG covers Assassin!"
1
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
2
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
What the hell?"
LSB:"The entire ring is covered in smoke! I can't see anything! Did the ref reach three?"
MJ:"I don't know. The smoke is yet to clear. It's still everywhere."
LSB:"Now it is starting to clear a little bit! I see Dr. Thanatos and Boomtown. And I see Mercenary coming up behind Thanatos! He's got a chair! He nails Thanatos! He nails Rodeo! He slides the chair out of the ring! He covers Dr. Thanatos!"
MJ:"The ref looks over and starts to count. Both Def B.I. Posse members are trying to make it over there!
1
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
2
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
3!"
CM:"Your winners, via pinfall, and new USCW World Tag Team Champions, Assassin & Mercenary, the Boot Camp Click!"
MJ:"But didn't Asssassin get pinned?"
LSB:"I never saw it."
MJ:"And didn't Mercenary use a chair on Dr. Thanatos?"
LSB:"Ref didn't see it."
MJ:"Who's side are you own?"
("Hey Man Nice Shot" comes on as CEO Adams walks from the back with a microphone).
Adams:"Woah, woah, woah. I don't know abou this one. Seems kind of shady to me. I don't think anybody is winning a USCW title like that. It's one thing to have interference cause someone to win. Or cheat to win. It's quite another to lose and shroud the ring so nobody can see it. The USCW titles are still vacant! I declare this match a No Contest!"
(The crowd has a mixed reaction.)
Adams:"Next Monday Night on Mayhem, Assassin and Mercenary, you will fight the Def B.I. Posse in a tag match, with the winner being declared the USCW World Tag Team Champions."
(The crowd cheers.)
Adams:"And then.....the following week on Mayhem, the winner of that must defend those titles against Jeff "Boomtown" Rodeo and Dr. Thanatos. That is all."
(The CEO's music plays again as he heads to the back.)
MJ:"So the titles are held up until next Monday Night. The teams stare each other down as they make their way to the back. Fans, that leaves us with one match left. The big one. Lightfoot and Souza for the USCW title."
("Damn It Feels Good To Be A Gangsta" starts to play as "Sweet" Gordy Dix struts out from the back carrying a microphone in his hand. He slides into the ring and addresses the crowd.)
MJ:"Well, looks like there is one more thing first."
SGD:"I know what all of you cats are thinking, Where has "the Sweetness" been? Well to answer your question, I have been chillin at Chez Gordo, my beautiful new strip club in Gulfport, Ms. That's right, the 30th parallel. Some say you can never go back to your roots, but I always say the bitches can come back to my root anytime they want. So without further adieu, let me introduce my first and perhaps most important member of my new stable, Ms. Ashley Donnelle."
(A sexy little brunette with freckles comes down to the ring in a black mini skirt, a lace halter top and some Go-go boots. SGD smiles.)
SGD:"Someone from your past huh McCracken?"
(SGD throws Ashley a black t-shirt that reads in big white letters PP&H and she proudly puts the shirt on. A fan in the crowd wearing camo and holding a SNIPER IS COOL sign yells that Ashley is a slut.)
SGD(Addressing the fan):"Hey man, why you all up on her tip? If you're up on her tip, then you're up on my tip, Q! I guess that being said, get that son of a bitch Q-Tip!"
(A large man wearing shorts and a Hawaiin shirt with blue hair and an Arkansas baseball hat on backwards jumps from 2 rows back and booty bumps the fan and puts him in a variation of the Razor's Edge called the Q-Tip on the concrete. Q-Tip jumps over the rail and into the ring and SGD throws him a t-shirt. QTip raises the t-shirt over his head and gives SGD a high five.)
SGD:"Welcome back Brother! We are the new force in the USCW. We're going to take this league over just like all the leagues we have been in the past."
(SGD looks into his hand and he still has two more shirts.)
Q-Tip Callahan:"So two more shirts right?"
(Both men nod.)
Q-Tip:"I'll go make some calls. This is going to be more fun than running the train on Sniper's sister."
(SGD, Q-Tip, and Ashley leave the ring and SGD takes a seat at the announcer's table.)
MJ:"Sweet Gordy announces the reformation of the PP&H, a powerful faction from the past. And it looks like Gordy is going to join us here for commentary on this final match."
SGD:"Well, welcome back to me. You like the way I made my return to the spotlight, MJ? Of course you do. I like the way that McKracken thought I was going to help him. You know how the Sweetness is full of surprises. By the way MJ, I found out your wife is pregnant. Surprise. She told me she was on the pill."
MJ:"Delightful as always, Sweetness. Fans, we are ready for the main event here. Let's take it down to Cindy."
CM:"The following contest is set for two falls, and is for the USCW World Heavyweight Championship. Introducing first, weighing in at 235 pounds and hailing from Oakland, CA, "Bad Karma" RJ Souza!"
("Tougher Than Leather" plays as Souza makes his way down to the ring with his traditional black jean shorts and black boots. He is all by himself as he acknowledges no one and simply slides into the ring.)
MJ:"Souza is focused. We all know how much he wants this title."
CM:"And his opponent, weighing in at 375 pounds and hailing from Broken Arrow, Oklahoma, Thunderbolt Lightfoot!"
(The theme from "Last Of The Mohicans" starts to play. However, no one comes out.)
LSB:"He pulling a Sniper on us?"
MJ:"He must still be stuck in the dressing room backstage!"
SGD:"While we're waiting, I might as well give you some of my thoughts on the USCW. I'll put my first thoughts in a rap so they may get through the Def B.I's jerri curls. MJ give me a beat."
(Gordy begins to rap.)
SGD:"
Def BI, you think your raps are legit, I'll tell you like it is- they ain't s(bleep)t.
Like to throw a bunch of Z's in words,
speak f(bleep)ing English and maybe you'll be heard.
I like to talk trash, spend a lot of cash, hit yo momma in her hairy gash.
Step to me, a real lyrical gansta-
you two clowns ain't nuthin but Wangstas."
Sniper, Mercenary, Assman- the Boot Camp Click
the only thing your good at is sucking dick.
You cats look like Full Metal Jacket
Private Snowball, Private Pyle, and Private Joker
three petter puffers and chicken chokers."
MJ:"Well, thank you for that. What do you think LSB".
LSB:"I'll always been a fan of good music."
(The referee begins his countout as Lightfoot still hasn't made it to the ring. RJ Souza is propped up in a corner of the ring looking focused and smug.)
MJ:"The ref has begun to count Lightfoot out. If he reaches ten Thunderbolt Lightfoot will be disqualified and RJ Souza will be the new USCW Heavyweight Champion. We have a camera crew standing by backstage with a progress report on the work being done on Lightfoot's dressing room door."
(The jumbotron lights up to reveal the action backstage, as the ref makes it to five. Jackie O'sullivan is standing by with a mic. There is a large man weilding an arc welder on the plated door.)
JO: Our head technician, Barney Mullins, tells me that he will have the door free in a matter of seconds.
LSB: Even if that door comes open right now, he'll never make it to the ring in time.
(The ref is now on seven, as the plate falls off the door and Jackie O'Sullivan opens the door to reveal, not Thunderbolt Lightfoot, but "Iron" Mike Sharpe.)
MJ: Lightfoot wasn't even in the dressing room. Where can he be?
LSB: I don't know, but RJ looks a little shaken up.
(The ref counts NINE and suddenly a thunderclap is heard throughout the arena loud enough to shake the foundation as the lights suddenly go out.)
LSB: What the hell is going on?
SGD:"The lights go out around here more than MJ's wife goes down."
(Suddenly the lights come up to reveal Thunderbolt Lightfoot standing in the center of the ring, directly behind Souza. His face is covered in warpaint. There is a yellow lightning bolt streaking down his right arm. He looks down at RJ, seething with hatred. The crowd cheers loudly.)
MJ:"HE'S HERE! HE'S HERE!"
LSB: I don't think RJ has figured that out yet.
(As if on cue, Souza finally turns around and shirks back with surprise, just as Thunderbolt Lightfoot grabs him by the neck and executes a massive choke slam.)
MJ:"And the match is underway with a powerful move by Lightfoot! Souza immediately rolls to the outside."
LSB:"Good verteran move there. Bad start. Get out of there and refocus."
MJ:"The ref holds Lightfoot back as Souza slides back in. They measure each other up and move to lock up. Oh, poke to the eyes by Souza!"
LSB:"I like this guys style. That's exactly how I would approach a big guy like that. Even the playing field a bit."
MJ:"Souza clubs Lightfoot in the back with a forearm. And then nails him with a dropkick to the thigh and the big man goes down. Souza hops up to the second rope and drops a leg across the back of Lightfoot's neck. He rolls him over and goes for a quick cover."
1
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
2, no! Lightfoot launches Souza across the ring with his kickout!"
LSB:"Wow, not sure I've seen that before. He tossed him 10 feet."
SGD:"I've shot a load further than that before. That's nothing."
(MJ and LSB look at Gordy and shake their heads.)
SGD:"What?"
MJ:"Both men back up now. They circle for a second and this time Souza goes for a kick to the knee but draws back his foot in pain! What is that all about?"
LSB:"Well, it looks like the kick ripped Thunderbolts leggings a little bit to reveal a brace around his knee. And obviously a pretty stout one. Looks like Thunderbolt took a page out of Sweardog's book and studied up on his opponent's tendencies."
SGD:"Sweardog MCKracken and the Rez O lution. What kind of gay pride camp are you girls starting anyway. This is wrestling. It's a lot like porn. Screw someone before they screw you. Next thing you know it's eight years later and your lady friend still isn't putting out and then she comes to me looking to be serviced. I mean I am THE LADIES' MAN, but....., sorry I got sidetracked. Point is to take care of yourself. I like your style, but you're too soft. You have to find your niche. The only people I need in this world are Ashley Donnelle, QTip Callahan, and the rest of the PP&H."
(Gordy holds up a MISSING sign that reads- CUNTree PIMP and Squid Face Nelson- Last seen at Extra Innings in Hammond, La celebrating the PP&H's World Heavyweight and World Tag Team Championships.)
MJ:"Your ability to sidetrack us is quite impressive Sweetness. Thunderbolt has rushed Souza and muscled him into the corner. He drives a knee into Souza. He pulls back, then drives a shoulder into him. Souza slumps to the mat and Lightfoot lays some boots into him."
LSB:"That's what Lightfoot needs to do in this match. Use his size and strength advantage."
SGD:"I agree. Guys wonder why their women flock to me. It's simple. I take advantage of my size advantage and use it properly. Yeah."
MJ:"Alright. Lightfoot brings Souza to his feet and seems to be in control of the match right now. Woah, quick inside cradle by Souza! He's grabbing the ropes to hold Lightfoot down but the ref doesn't see it!
1
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
2
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
3!! Souza has won the first fall!"
LSB:"Wow, Souza quickly grabs the lead in this best 2 of 3 falls match. He is halfway to becoming the next champ. And he wisely slid out of the ring again and is making the ref wait to start the second fall."
MJ:"Lightfoot is fuming on the inside! He can't believe he let that fall slip away. Souza slides back in now and the ref signals the start of the second fall. Woah! Lightfoot charges and attacks Souza like a wild animal!"
LSB:"Grizzly bear I would say. He is pounding away on him with those massive arms."
SGD:"Horny toad I would say. Looks like he is trying to hump him."
MJ:"Lightfoot has Souza down now and is putting him in the Indian Burn! A modified Camel Clutch where he rubs a burn in the opponents neck. Souza is in a lot of pain but refuses to give up. Lightfoot breaks the hold and brings Souza back to his feet. He picks him up and slams him back down with a big back breaker!"
LSB:"That move had a lot impact. My vertebre hurt just thinking about it."
MJ:"Souza tries to fight back now with a right hand that temporaily stuns Lightfoot. He kicks Thunderbolts legs out from under him from the side! Souza grabs his legs and puts him in a figure four!"
LSB:"Souza said he would chop him down to size. I don't know how much pressure he is putting on the knees with Thunderbolt having those braces on but it must be doing something."
MJ:"Souza let's go now and drops an elbow to the midsection of Lightfoot. He stands back up and is stomping away. Suddenly Lightfoot grabs him by the throat from his back. He stands up and nails him with another one of those huge chokeslams! Souza is down. And Lightfoot is climbing to the top rope!"
LSB:"Thunderbolt leaps and nails the Tomahawk elbow drop! Now he has Souza up and is taking him to the top rope!"
MJ:"Thunderbolt jumps forward and nails the Thunder Rolls! Here's the cover!
1
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
2
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
3!! Thunderbolt takes the second fall!"
LSB:"We are now knotted at two falls. But with one big difference. Souza is beat down pretty bad and Lightfoot, although beat down some is still in decent shape right now."
MJ:"Souza is trying to shake off the cobwebs so we can start this third fall. And Lightfoot is raring to go."
SGD:"Alright, I've had about enough of this. I'm going to ask Lightfoot something."
MJ:"Ask him something? He's not going to ask him anything. LSB. Go stop Sweetness from interfering. He's going to ruin the match."
LSB:"What? No way."
MJ:"Go, I'll have to tell the CEO you didn't try and you were right here."
LSB:"Well....."
(Baxter stands up and starts to follow Dix to the ring. Gordy hops up on the ring apron and is calling over to Lightfoot. Thunderbolt doesn't see him but the ref does and comes over to cut Gordy off. Baxter hops up on the apron also to talk Gordy out of getting in. The ref is still trying to get Gordy to leave.)
MJ:"This is a bizarre scene fans. Baxter has stepped through the ropes now to talk to Gordy from the inside. Baxter gets digusted and turns his head away from Gordy. Finally Dix starts to hop down. But look at Lightfoot!"
(Lightfoot turns around to see Baxter standing behind him in the ring. Baxter puts up both hands but Lightfoot will have none of it. He shoves Baxter across the ring.)
MJ:"Woah! Lightfoot thinks Baxter was about to jump him! Meanwhile, the ref is still trying to get Dix to leave the ringside area."
(Baxter pulls himself up on the ropes and now has an entirely different expression than before he was shoved down.)
MJ:"Oh goodness. LSB, calm down! Your not a wrestler anymore!"
(Baxter walks up to Lightfoot who stares him down. The crowd is going crazy seeing these two look like they are about to tie up. Time seems to stand still for a moment as the two eye each other. But Baxter shakes his head, turns around, and starts to leave the ring.)
MJ:"Look at Souza! He is up now and pushes Lightfoot! Lightfoot bumps into Baxter from behind! Baxter reacts! Lightning Strike! Lightning Strike! Baxter just nailed Thunderbolt with the Lightning Strike. He rolls out of the ring! Gordy finally hops off the apron! The ref turns around to see Souza pinning Lightfoot!
1
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
2
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Souza wins the title!"
CM:"Your, winner, and new USCW World Heavyweight Champion, "Bad Karma" RJ Souza!"
MJ:"Souza was in bad shape and it looked like Lightfoot had the title won, but Baxter hit Lightfoot with the Lightning Strike!"
(Baxter walks back over to the table and puts on a headset.)
MJ:"Why? Why did you do it?"
LSB:"You saw him, I walked out of the ring and he tried to hit me from behind! He had it coming!"
MJ:"That's not what happened!"
LSB:"What?"
(Souza takes the belt and climbs the turnbuckle to show it off to the crowd to a rousing chorus of boos. "Sweet" Gordy smiles, buys a beer from a ringside vendor, and heads off into the crowd.)
MJ:"Fans, we are out of time. I can't believe what I just saw. Souza is the champion. We'll see you on Monday!"
(The scene fades with Souza celebrating in the ring and MJ starting to yell at Baxter what happened.)
CM:"The following contest is a ladder match and the winner will be determined by who pulls the Beach Bash trophy off of the hook it is hung from above the ring. Introducing first, weighing in at 227 pounds and hailing from Oxford, England, Simon Rose!"
("In Like The Rose" begins to play as Simon comes down to the ring in a purple and while robe, accompanied by Lily Rose.)
CM:"And his opponent, weighing in at 207 pounds and hailing from Newark, New Jersey, Tornado O'Conner!"
("When Worlds Collide" begins to play as O'Conner strides down to the ring.)
MJ:"We are ready to go here in this ladder match. The ladder is laying on the outside to start the match. We'll see who can gain an advantage and retrieve the ladder to the ring. The bell rings and Rose immediately charges O'Conner and tries to nail him with a clothesline. O'Conner ducks under. Rose bounces off the ropes and goes for another clothesline! This time a leapfrog by O'Conner. Rose bounces off one more time and this time Tornado has it timed and jumps, lands on Rose's shoulders and takes him down with a hurricanrana!"
LSB:"The agility it takes to pull off some of these moves never ceases to impress me. I wouldn't have let the little jumping bean do it to me, but it was impressive to watch on somebody else."
MJ:"Tornado is wasting no time and is going for the ladder on the outside. He slides it into the ring but as he moves to slide in he's met by a drop kick from Simon Rose! Rose measures him now and drops an elbow. Rose grabs the ladder and attempts to set it up but Tornado makes it to his feet and nails Rose from behind."
LSB:"Not going to be quite that easy for Rose."
MJ:"Tornado heading up top now. Moonsault from the top onto Rose! What a high impact move!"
LSB:"Tornado has been chomping at the bit to show the world what he can do. His debut match with Mr. Wrestling was cut very short by Sniper jumping Mr. Wrestling before the match. He has been very excited to get a chance to showcase himself."
MJ:"Tornado is setting up the ladder now and climbing to the top! He is almost there! Wait, Rose is up and he is climbing the ladder also! They climbed up opposite sides and now are at the top rungs together! They are trying to balance and punch each other at the same time!"
LSB:"Tornado gets in a good right hand and stuns Rose. He climbs up to the top of the ladder and brings the stunned Rose up with him!"
MJ:"Tornado picks Rose up and he does a spinning falcon slam from the top of the ladder to the mat!!!!!! Oh my God!"
LSB:"Medic!!! Where's that new Joe Lifesaver dude when you need him? I think they are both out!"
MJ:"Both men are laid out in the ring but Tornado is starting to stir and Rose is still motionless. I think Tornado is going to get to his feet first."
LSB:"Let's see. Rose got dropped on the back of his head from 20 feet in the air. Tornado is the one who dropped Rose on the back of his head. Gee, you think he's getting up first?"
MJ:"Tornado is up now but still groggy. He is climbing the ladder once again. He is at the top. The trophy is hanging from a strap just above the ladder. He jumps but misses it. He almost falls off the ladder but manages to keep his balance. But look in the ring."
LSB:"Somehow Rose is back on his feet. He's headed towards the ladder!"
MJ:"Rose is going to push the ladder over! Tornado jumps again! Rose pushes the ladder over!"
LSB:"He got it! Tornado is hanging onto the trophy! He needs to pull it a little harder to get it loose!"
MJ:"Rose picks up the ladder! He's going to try and hit Tornado with it while he's hanging from the trophy! Tornado gives it one more pull. He's got it! Tornado crashes to the mat with the trophy!"
CM:"Your winner, via claiming the Ladder Match Trophy, Tornado O'Conner!"
MJ:"What a match! O'Conner takes the W in this opening match of Beach Bash 2004."
LSB:"You can't help but be impressed with the determination of the USCW's smallest competitor. We'll see if he can take this momentum and use it to make a push for a title."
MJ:"Fans, I'm hearing now that we have a tape of something that happened backstage during the match. Take a look at this."
(The scene opens to reveal the inside of the Boot Camp Click dressing room. All three members are sitting in folding chairs, apparently discussing strategy for the night. Suddenly, smoke and the noise of small explosions fill the room. The Click quickly jet from their seats and spread to the corners of the room. After a second, the noise stops. When the smoke clears, Sniper walks over to where it was all coming from. The camera zooms in to reveal the remains of a large pack of Black Cat firecrackers. Sniper takes it and throws it against the wall in digust.
The scenes shifts to outside the dressing room and down the hall where Jeff "Boomtown" Rodeo is standing with what appears to be some sort of detonator, laughing uncontrollably as the scene fades.)
MJ:"We had wondered what Rodeo was up to sneaking into the arena earlier in the week. I suppose those were the kind of pranks that got him kicked out of many a private school."
LSB:"The Boot Camp Click doesn't like to made fun of. I'm sure the Click will have their sights set on Rodeo in the near future."
(Suddenly four women walk out from the back wearing camo mini-skirts and bikini tops. They are each carrying a basket and begin to hand out something to all the kids close the ramp and around ringside.)
MJ:"Look at this! What are these women handing out?"
(One of the drop deap gorgeous girls comes over to Baxter at the announcers table. She grabs one of the items from her basket and hands it to him. Then she bends over seductively and gives him a kiss on the cheek.)
MJ:"LSB, what is that she gave you?"
LSB(dreamily):"What?"
MJ:"Hey, snap out of it! What are those girls passing out?"
LSB:"Oh, uh, looks like a camoflauge laser pointer. Has Boot Camp Click on it in white letters."
MJ:"This seems like odd behavior for the Boot Camp Click. Giving out gifts to little kids? I wonder what's going on?"
LSB:"I don't know. But I really would like to know who she was."
(The girls finish handing out the laser pointers and head to the back.)
MJ:"Ok, big man. Focus on this next match please. Let's take it down to Cindy."
CM:"The following contest is set for one fall and is a submission cage match."
(A giant cage descends from the rafters and completely encloses the ring, including the top. It only leaves a couple of feet on each side of the ring.)
CM:"This match will have a special guest referee. Guest referee, make your way to the ring."
(After a couple seconds of silence green, pink, and yellow fireworks shoot off and "Damn It Feels Good To Be A Gangsta" starts to play as "Sweet" Gordy Dix struts out from the back wearing a striped referee shirt. He has on neon green wrestling shorts and no shoes.)
MJ:"Oh my goodness!"
LSB:"Shouldn't that be "Oh my Sweetness?""
MJ:"What has the CEO done now? He has given control of this match to one of the most notorius figures in USCW history! Once a prominent member of the USCW's most powerful faction, the Pimps, Playa's and Hustlers, it looks like the Sweetness has found his way back into the USCW. Gordy's crude behavior and ruthless tactics have gotten him kicked out of most wrestling organizations he tries to join, but this is the one he really seemed to find himself in. He was the cruiserweight champion several years ago, but he certainly doesn't look like a cruiserweight now. He looks like he hit the gym and put on some serious muscle."
LSB:"That would not seem to bode well for Sniper in my book. Those two were the worst of enemies back in the day. Sniper was orginally a member of the PP&H, then was turned on and beat down by all the members in a massive doublecross. That's when he struck out on his own and recruited members of the original Boot Camp Click."
MJ:"Gordy has made his way into the cage now and is awaiting the participants."
CM:"Introducing first, weighing in at 235 pounds and hailing from Gulfport, MS, Smackin' Sweardog McKrackin!"
(“Another One Bites The Dust” by “Queen” plays as Smackin' Sweardog McKrackin and Ms. Kitty make their way to the ring. He is wearing black pants with a blue shirt that says “Bad Dog” on the back in orange writing. He plays to the crowd all the way down the ramp. He is carrying t-shirts with him and tossing them periodically into the crowd. He gives Ms. Kitty a quick kiss and gets into the cage.)
MJ:"Sweardog looks focused and ready in this one. I'm sure it's hard to be focused after witnessing Dix coming down as the referee."
LSB:"Well, both are originally from Gulfport, MS. Maybe they have been cooking this up together."
CM:"And his opponent, weighing in at 240 pounds and hailing from an undisclosed location, Sniper!"
("Bombs over Baghdad" starts to play but once again no one comes out.)
MJ:"Ok, this is getting ridiculous. Tell me he is going to show up this time."
LSB:"Wait, isn't that Mr. Wrestling?"
(Mr. Wrestling makes his way nervously down the ramp. You can tell something isn't right as he has both his arms up like he is being robbed as he comes down the ramp and the sweat is pouring out of his red and blue mask. As he walks down, you can notice a red dot on the back of his mask.)
MJ:"Look at that dot! It must be the Boot Camp Click! They must be forcing him down here at gun point!"
LSB:"That's absurd. There are 300 kids in here with laser pointers. Hell, I've got one. It could be anybody putting a dot on him. Mr. Wrestling is a weirdo anyway."
MJ:"Well, this is getting very weird because Mr. Wrestling just got into the cage like he is going to fight this match.
LSB:"Look at Sweardog. He doesn't know what to think. He's still looking for Sniper to show up any second."
MJ:"Mr. Wrestling isn't waiting! He took advantage of Sweardog still looking around and nails him from behind with a clothesline! Wait a minute, that actually did damage!"
LSB:"But Mr. Wrestling can't do....... Look! Look at that!"
MJ:"The mask just came off and it is Sniper in the Mr. Wrestling suit! "Sweet" Gordy just locked the cage door and has signaled for the bell!"
LSB:"Sniper takes the advantage from the beginning with a surprise attack from behind."
MJ:"I think he had us all fooled with that one LSB. Sniper is stomping away on the back of Sweardog now. Or most specifically the neck area. I'm sure he would love to soften it up a bit for that Columbian Necktie."
LSB:"We've never seen either one of these competitors in a submission only matchup. We know Sniper likes to use the Necktie to end his matches, and Sweardog claims he has been developing a new submission move just for this occaision."
MJ:"Sniper picks Sweardog up now and rams his head into the side of the cage above the ropes. And again. He goes for a third ram but Sweardog blocks it and slams Sniper into the cage. Sweardog turns the tables and now he has the advantage."
LSB:"So far Gordy is acting pretty impartial, just watching the action and ready to see if someone gives up."
MJ:"Sweardog lines Sniper up and slams him down with a big suplex. His turn to work Sniper over with some stomps. These are directed at what Sweardog claimed to be a surgically repaired ligament in Snipers knee. Sweardog brings Sniper to his feet and is setting him up for..... Hey. What happened? Somebody shined a laser pointer into the ring into the eyes of Sweardog!"
LSB:"Wasn't me. Mine is right here."
MJ:"Sweardog is temporarily distracted and Sniper connects on a low blow that takes Sweardog off his feet and into the fetal position."
LSB:"A couple more of those and he may be ready to give up. Or I'll give up for him."
MJ:""Sweet" Gordy admonishes Sniper some but allows things to continue. Sniper picks Sweardog up. Mini-chokeslam! A signature move from the marine. Sniper is picking Sweardog up and is putting him in the Columbian Necktie!"
LSB:"This could be it!"
MJ:"Sweardog is flailing around, trying to break the hold. He flops to the ground, almost out of breath! He grabs the ropes!"
LSB:"Gordy jumps in and pulls Sniper off of him. Sweardog was able to fight it off, but just barely. And he may be in alot of trouble now."
MJ:"Sniper drags Sweardog to his feet. He whips him into the far side corner. Sniper charges in and nails Sweardog with a clothesline! He grabs him again and whips him into the opposite corner. He charges in again but this time Sweardog gets a boot up!"
LSB:"He's got a little fight left."
MJ:"Sweardog starts firing away with left and right hands! Sweardog is a house of fire! A big right hand floors Sniper. Sweardog bounces off the ropes and as soon as Sniper makes it to his feet Sweardog levels him with a clothesline! He's really got it going now!"
LSB:"Now Sniper is the one in trouble. He's in a lot of pain. I don't know if he could fight off a submission."
MJ:"Looks like we're about to find out! Sweardog is moving towards Sniper.."
(The lights go out in the arena.)
MJ:"What the? The lights just went out! It is pitch black dark in here!"
(A voice comes over the arena sound system.)
Voice:"Hey, kids, see if you can point you laser and find Sweardog!"
(Lazer pointers start clicking on through out the arena and slowly search the ring until they all point at Sweardog. Sweardog is actually the only thing visible in the ring.)
MJ:"The distraction has allowed Sniper enough time to recover, and he nails Sweardog from behind once again!"
LSB:"This was the plan all along! Sniper could see Sweardog in the dark with the laser pointers!"
MJ:"The lights now come back on and Sniper is in control! He picks Sweardog up, lifts him into a suplex position. He walks backwards a couple of steps and slams him back into the cage. But he keeps his balance, walks forwards slams Sweardog back down face first into the mat!"
LSB:"Nice move there. Sniper is looking to take advantage of the breaks he has received thus far."
MJ:"Sweardog is struggling to his feet and once again Sniper is going for the Columbian Necktie! He circles behind Sweardog and tries to lock it in!"
LSB:"If he gets it this time it's over! Sweardog is in the center of the ring!"
MJ:"Swear has a hand in blocking the move. He grabs the top of Sniper's head with his other hand and drops down and delivers a big jawbreaker to Sniper! What a move!"
LSB:"Nice counter by Sweardog! Does he have enough left to capitalize?"
MJ:"Sweardog is up now and picks Sniper up. He whips him into the ropes. He catches him on the way back and Dog Slam! That running chokeslam has put Sweardog firmly in control! But does Sweardog have enough energy to make Sniper tap?!?
LSB:"Look at "Sweet" Gordy. He is going over to check on Sniper who looks out of it. That's odd. Did he just? Couldn't have."
MJ:"Sweardog is making his way over to Sniper, who is still face down in the ring. He stops to face the crowd and is calling for the Hind Leg! That's the submission move he said he would beat Sniper with! He is about to put it on! But no! Sniper with a last ditch effort manages to roll over and punch Sweardog in the face! And Sweardog is out!"
LSB:"You bet he is out! That's what I thought I saw. "Sweet" Gordy Dix slipped a pair of brass knuckles to Sniper! And Sniper knocked Sweardog cold with them! Ms. Kitty looks horrified outside the cage. I'll have to console her later."
MJ:"Sniper struggles to his feet and pulls Sweardog up. He puts him in the Necktie again. He's already knocked out. "Sweet" Gordy Dix is signaling for the bell!"
CM:"Your winner, via submission, Sniper!"
MJ:"Sniper pulls off a win in a match Sweardog was winning, minus the distractions, when he got the biggest help of all from "Sweet" Gordy Dix!"
LSB:"I for one would never have thought that."
MJ:"The Sweetness is raising Sniper's hand to the crowd. Oh! All of a sudden Gordy kicks Sniper in the groin! Gordy picks him up and slams him down with a Rock Bottom type move!"
LSB:"The Tubesteak Shake!"
MJ:"It looks like "Sweet" Gordy has the microphone."
SDG:"I'm here to shake things up a little. These two turdpokers are the heads of two of the alliances here? Give me a break. They'll both be my bitches before too much longer. The boys are back!"
(Gordy moves to pick Sniper up when all of a sudden Mercenary comes repelling from the rafters with a rifle. At the same time Assassin comes streaking down the ramp. Mercenary shoots the lock off the cage. Gordy sees this going on, drops Sniper and quickly takes off out of the cage and through the crowd just before Assassin can get there.)
MJ:"What a turn of events! First Gordy helps Sniper win, then attacks him after the match. This is just the kind of unpredictability that Dix brings to the table."
(Mercenary and Assassin scowl at Sweardog before helping Sniper get to his feet. The three then head to the back. Ms. Kitty then runs in and walks with Sweardog to the back. Sweardog has a look of hatred like we've never seen before on his face.)
LSB(in Sweardog's direction:"Walk it off big guy."
MJ:"I don't think now is the time, LSB. What a match. And we still have two more quality matches to go. Fans, I'm getting word there is a developing situation backstage."
(Scene changes to show the door to Thunderbolt Lightfoot's dressing room. Outside are a few of the ring crew. We see that the door has a huge metal plate welded to it, welding the door shut. The men are standing around, shaking their heads.)
MJ:"What an odd development that is. Thunderbolt Lightfoots door is welded shut!"
LSB:"I'm pretty sure the ref wouldn't care why Thunderbolt didn't make it to the ring. He'd lose just the same."
MJ:"We need to get somebody on getting that door open. Well fans, this next match could be the craziest we've ever had. Six men in the ring at one time, vying for the World Tag Team Titles. Cindy."
CM:"The following contest is set for one fall and is a 6 man Tornado Tag Match. Introducing first, from Haywood, CA, JRG & Ricky J, the Def B.I. Posse!"
("Judgement Night" by Onyx and Bio-Hazard starts to play as the Ghetto Giant JRG and Ricky J come down to the ring.)
MJ:"We haven't had a chance to see this team in action yet other than brawls outside of the ring. We'll see what they bring to the table."
CM:"Introducing next, hailing from undisclosed locations, Assassin & Mercenary, the Boot Camp Click!"
("Boot Camp Click" by The T-Town Posse plays as Assassin & Mercenary come to the ring with stern looks.)
CM:"And finally, hailing from Austin, TX and Boston, Mass, Jeff "Boomtown" Rodeo and Dr. Thanatos, The Rezolution!"
(Dr. Thanatos and Rodeo come on a dead sprint and slides into the ring as the bell rings to start the match.)
MJ:"And here we go! Remember fans in a Tornado Tag Match that all the participants are in the ring at the same time. So I won't be able to call everything that is happening. I will do my best to keep up."
LSB:"You're already missing everything! This isn't a wrestling match, it's a street brawl!"
MJ:"The wrestlers have paired off and are throwing repeated right and left hands. No one is gaining an advantage at this point."
LSB:"I don't see how anyone is going to gain an advantage out of this one. It's total chaos."
MJ:"Well, the Def B.I. Posse have managed to fight their way back to back, and are doing a decent job of holding down their part of the ring."
LSB:"Meanwhile, Assassin and Mercenary seem grow tired of trading blows and slid to the outside."
MJ:"So we actually have some room in the ring now! Rodeo and Thanatos go after the Def B.I. Posse! They double clothesline Ricky J! He goes down. Now they turn around and are double clotheslined by JRG, the seven foot giant!"
LSB:"Assassin and Mercenary use the opportunity to slide back in. Assassin goes for a punch which is deflected by JRG but Mercenary connects on a kick to the gut, which doubles over the big man. Assassin and Mercenary pick him up together and nail a double suplex!"
MJ:"Now Ricky J is back up and drop kicks Assassin. Assassin tumbles over the top rope! Ricky J spring boards to the outside off the top rope and splashes Assassin on the outside! Both men are down!"
LSB:"Now the Rez has regrouped and are double teaming Mercenary! Right and left hands now they double irish whip Mercenary into the ropes and he is met by a big boot by JRG who is back on his feet!"
MJ:"We told you this would be a wild one folks. Mercenary slides out of the ring and regroups with Assassin. Ricky J is back up now and slides into the ring. The Def B.I. posse and the Rez are circling one another. And they tie into once again. This time Rodeo has Ricky J and sends him up and over the top rope. JRG with a clubbing forearm to Dr. Thanatos. Rodeo hits the big man from behind! Dr. Thanatos and Rodeo bounce off the ropes together and JRG goes for another doubleclothesline but this time they duck it, stop and nail double standing drop kicks on JRG!"
LSB:"But it's just in time once again for the Boot Camp Click to slide in and jump them from behind! The Boot Camp Click is in control now. They knock down Rodeo and are doubling teaming Dr. Thanatos. Mercenary is holding him while Assassin pounds away! Assassin backs up to bounce off the ropes. He is grabbed by the throat by JRG!"
MJ:"And Ricky J is on the top rope! But what is this?"
LSB:"It's Sniper running down the ramp. And he's got a, a, holy s(bleep). He's got a grenade!"
(MJ dives under the desk.)
(Sniper runs by the ring and tosses the grenade into the ring and continues to run right out of the building.)
LSB:"Incoming! Look out! Wait, the grenade isn't exploding, it's starting to smoke! Meanwhile Ricky J has lept from the top, combining with JRG's chokeslam to nails Assassin into the canvas!"
(MJ comes out from under the desk.)
MJ:"That's the 1-8-7! JRG covers Assassin!"
1
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
2
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
What the hell?"
LSB:"The entire ring is covered in smoke! I can't see anything! Did the ref reach three?"
MJ:"I don't know. The smoke is yet to clear. It's still everywhere."
LSB:"Now it is starting to clear a little bit! I see Dr. Thanatos and Boomtown. And I see Mercenary coming up behind Thanatos! He's got a chair! He nails Thanatos! He nails Rodeo! He slides the chair out of the ring! He covers Dr. Thanatos!"
MJ:"The ref looks over and starts to count. Both Def B.I. Posse members are trying to make it over there!
1
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
2
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
3!"
CM:"Your winners, via pinfall, and new USCW World Tag Team Champions, Assassin & Mercenary, the Boot Camp Click!"
MJ:"But didn't Asssassin get pinned?"
LSB:"I never saw it."
MJ:"And didn't Mercenary use a chair on Dr. Thanatos?"
LSB:"Ref didn't see it."
MJ:"Who's side are you own?"
("Hey Man Nice Shot" comes on as CEO Adams walks from the back with a microphone).
Adams:"Woah, woah, woah. I don't know abou this one. Seems kind of shady to me. I don't think anybody is winning a USCW title like that. It's one thing to have interference cause someone to win. Or cheat to win. It's quite another to lose and shroud the ring so nobody can see it. The USCW titles are still vacant! I declare this match a No Contest!"
(The crowd has a mixed reaction.)
Adams:"Next Monday Night on Mayhem, Assassin and Mercenary, you will fight the Def B.I. Posse in a tag match, with the winner being declared the USCW World Tag Team Champions."
(The crowd cheers.)
Adams:"And then.....the following week on Mayhem, the winner of that must defend those titles against Jeff "Boomtown" Rodeo and Dr. Thanatos. That is all."
(The CEO's music plays again as he heads to the back.)
MJ:"So the titles are held up until next Monday Night. The teams stare each other down as they make their way to the back. Fans, that leaves us with one match left. The big one. Lightfoot and Souza for the USCW title."
("Damn It Feels Good To Be A Gangsta" starts to play as "Sweet" Gordy Dix struts out from the back carrying a microphone in his hand. He slides into the ring and addresses the crowd.)
MJ:"Well, looks like there is one more thing first."
SGD:"I know what all of you cats are thinking, Where has "the Sweetness" been? Well to answer your question, I have been chillin at Chez Gordo, my beautiful new strip club in Gulfport, Ms. That's right, the 30th parallel. Some say you can never go back to your roots, but I always say the bitches can come back to my root anytime they want. So without further adieu, let me introduce my first and perhaps most important member of my new stable, Ms. Ashley Donnelle."
(A sexy little brunette with freckles comes down to the ring in a black mini skirt, a lace halter top and some Go-go boots. SGD smiles.)
SGD:"Someone from your past huh McCracken?"
(SGD throws Ashley a black t-shirt that reads in big white letters PP&H and she proudly puts the shirt on. A fan in the crowd wearing camo and holding a SNIPER IS COOL sign yells that Ashley is a slut.)
SGD(Addressing the fan):"Hey man, why you all up on her tip? If you're up on her tip, then you're up on my tip, Q! I guess that being said, get that son of a bitch Q-Tip!"
(A large man wearing shorts and a Hawaiin shirt with blue hair and an Arkansas baseball hat on backwards jumps from 2 rows back and booty bumps the fan and puts him in a variation of the Razor's Edge called the Q-Tip on the concrete. Q-Tip jumps over the rail and into the ring and SGD throws him a t-shirt. QTip raises the t-shirt over his head and gives SGD a high five.)
SGD:"Welcome back Brother! We are the new force in the USCW. We're going to take this league over just like all the leagues we have been in the past."
(SGD looks into his hand and he still has two more shirts.)
Q-Tip Callahan:"So two more shirts right?"
(Both men nod.)
Q-Tip:"I'll go make some calls. This is going to be more fun than running the train on Sniper's sister."
(SGD, Q-Tip, and Ashley leave the ring and SGD takes a seat at the announcer's table.)
MJ:"Sweet Gordy announces the reformation of the PP&H, a powerful faction from the past. And it looks like Gordy is going to join us here for commentary on this final match."
SGD:"Well, welcome back to me. You like the way I made my return to the spotlight, MJ? Of course you do. I like the way that McKracken thought I was going to help him. You know how the Sweetness is full of surprises. By the way MJ, I found out your wife is pregnant. Surprise. She told me she was on the pill."
MJ:"Delightful as always, Sweetness. Fans, we are ready for the main event here. Let's take it down to Cindy."
CM:"The following contest is set for two falls, and is for the USCW World Heavyweight Championship. Introducing first, weighing in at 235 pounds and hailing from Oakland, CA, "Bad Karma" RJ Souza!"
("Tougher Than Leather" plays as Souza makes his way down to the ring with his traditional black jean shorts and black boots. He is all by himself as he acknowledges no one and simply slides into the ring.)
MJ:"Souza is focused. We all know how much he wants this title."
CM:"And his opponent, weighing in at 375 pounds and hailing from Broken Arrow, Oklahoma, Thunderbolt Lightfoot!"
(The theme from "Last Of The Mohicans" starts to play. However, no one comes out.)
LSB:"He pulling a Sniper on us?"
MJ:"He must still be stuck in the dressing room backstage!"
SGD:"While we're waiting, I might as well give you some of my thoughts on the USCW. I'll put my first thoughts in a rap so they may get through the Def B.I's jerri curls. MJ give me a beat."
(Gordy begins to rap.)
SGD:"
Def BI, you think your raps are legit, I'll tell you like it is- they ain't s(bleep)t.
Like to throw a bunch of Z's in words,
speak f(bleep)ing English and maybe you'll be heard.
I like to talk trash, spend a lot of cash, hit yo momma in her hairy gash.
Step to me, a real lyrical gansta-
you two clowns ain't nuthin but Wangstas."
Sniper, Mercenary, Assman- the Boot Camp Click
the only thing your good at is sucking dick.
You cats look like Full Metal Jacket
Private Snowball, Private Pyle, and Private Joker
three petter puffers and chicken chokers."
MJ:"Well, thank you for that. What do you think LSB".
LSB:"I'll always been a fan of good music."
(The referee begins his countout as Lightfoot still hasn't made it to the ring. RJ Souza is propped up in a corner of the ring looking focused and smug.)
MJ:"The ref has begun to count Lightfoot out. If he reaches ten Thunderbolt Lightfoot will be disqualified and RJ Souza will be the new USCW Heavyweight Champion. We have a camera crew standing by backstage with a progress report on the work being done on Lightfoot's dressing room door."
(The jumbotron lights up to reveal the action backstage, as the ref makes it to five. Jackie O'sullivan is standing by with a mic. There is a large man weilding an arc welder on the plated door.)
JO: Our head technician, Barney Mullins, tells me that he will have the door free in a matter of seconds.
LSB: Even if that door comes open right now, he'll never make it to the ring in time.
(The ref is now on seven, as the plate falls off the door and Jackie O'Sullivan opens the door to reveal, not Thunderbolt Lightfoot, but "Iron" Mike Sharpe.)
MJ: Lightfoot wasn't even in the dressing room. Where can he be?
LSB: I don't know, but RJ looks a little shaken up.
(The ref counts NINE and suddenly a thunderclap is heard throughout the arena loud enough to shake the foundation as the lights suddenly go out.)
LSB: What the hell is going on?
SGD:"The lights go out around here more than MJ's wife goes down."
(Suddenly the lights come up to reveal Thunderbolt Lightfoot standing in the center of the ring, directly behind Souza. His face is covered in warpaint. There is a yellow lightning bolt streaking down his right arm. He looks down at RJ, seething with hatred. The crowd cheers loudly.)
MJ:"HE'S HERE! HE'S HERE!"
LSB: I don't think RJ has figured that out yet.
(As if on cue, Souza finally turns around and shirks back with surprise, just as Thunderbolt Lightfoot grabs him by the neck and executes a massive choke slam.)
MJ:"And the match is underway with a powerful move by Lightfoot! Souza immediately rolls to the outside."
LSB:"Good verteran move there. Bad start. Get out of there and refocus."
MJ:"The ref holds Lightfoot back as Souza slides back in. They measure each other up and move to lock up. Oh, poke to the eyes by Souza!"
LSB:"I like this guys style. That's exactly how I would approach a big guy like that. Even the playing field a bit."
MJ:"Souza clubs Lightfoot in the back with a forearm. And then nails him with a dropkick to the thigh and the big man goes down. Souza hops up to the second rope and drops a leg across the back of Lightfoot's neck. He rolls him over and goes for a quick cover."
1
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
2, no! Lightfoot launches Souza across the ring with his kickout!"
LSB:"Wow, not sure I've seen that before. He tossed him 10 feet."
SGD:"I've shot a load further than that before. That's nothing."
(MJ and LSB look at Gordy and shake their heads.)
SGD:"What?"
MJ:"Both men back up now. They circle for a second and this time Souza goes for a kick to the knee but draws back his foot in pain! What is that all about?"
LSB:"Well, it looks like the kick ripped Thunderbolts leggings a little bit to reveal a brace around his knee. And obviously a pretty stout one. Looks like Thunderbolt took a page out of Sweardog's book and studied up on his opponent's tendencies."
SGD:"Sweardog MCKracken and the Rez O lution. What kind of gay pride camp are you girls starting anyway. This is wrestling. It's a lot like porn. Screw someone before they screw you. Next thing you know it's eight years later and your lady friend still isn't putting out and then she comes to me looking to be serviced. I mean I am THE LADIES' MAN, but....., sorry I got sidetracked. Point is to take care of yourself. I like your style, but you're too soft. You have to find your niche. The only people I need in this world are Ashley Donnelle, QTip Callahan, and the rest of the PP&H."
(Gordy holds up a MISSING sign that reads- CUNTree PIMP and Squid Face Nelson- Last seen at Extra Innings in Hammond, La celebrating the PP&H's World Heavyweight and World Tag Team Championships.)
MJ:"Your ability to sidetrack us is quite impressive Sweetness. Thunderbolt has rushed Souza and muscled him into the corner. He drives a knee into Souza. He pulls back, then drives a shoulder into him. Souza slumps to the mat and Lightfoot lays some boots into him."
LSB:"That's what Lightfoot needs to do in this match. Use his size and strength advantage."
SGD:"I agree. Guys wonder why their women flock to me. It's simple. I take advantage of my size advantage and use it properly. Yeah."
MJ:"Alright. Lightfoot brings Souza to his feet and seems to be in control of the match right now. Woah, quick inside cradle by Souza! He's grabbing the ropes to hold Lightfoot down but the ref doesn't see it!
1
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
2
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
3!! Souza has won the first fall!"
LSB:"Wow, Souza quickly grabs the lead in this best 2 of 3 falls match. He is halfway to becoming the next champ. And he wisely slid out of the ring again and is making the ref wait to start the second fall."
MJ:"Lightfoot is fuming on the inside! He can't believe he let that fall slip away. Souza slides back in now and the ref signals the start of the second fall. Woah! Lightfoot charges and attacks Souza like a wild animal!"
LSB:"Grizzly bear I would say. He is pounding away on him with those massive arms."
SGD:"Horny toad I would say. Looks like he is trying to hump him."
MJ:"Lightfoot has Souza down now and is putting him in the Indian Burn! A modified Camel Clutch where he rubs a burn in the opponents neck. Souza is in a lot of pain but refuses to give up. Lightfoot breaks the hold and brings Souza back to his feet. He picks him up and slams him back down with a big back breaker!"
LSB:"That move had a lot impact. My vertebre hurt just thinking about it."
MJ:"Souza tries to fight back now with a right hand that temporaily stuns Lightfoot. He kicks Thunderbolts legs out from under him from the side! Souza grabs his legs and puts him in a figure four!"
LSB:"Souza said he would chop him down to size. I don't know how much pressure he is putting on the knees with Thunderbolt having those braces on but it must be doing something."
MJ:"Souza let's go now and drops an elbow to the midsection of Lightfoot. He stands back up and is stomping away. Suddenly Lightfoot grabs him by the throat from his back. He stands up and nails him with another one of those huge chokeslams! Souza is down. And Lightfoot is climbing to the top rope!"
LSB:"Thunderbolt leaps and nails the Tomahawk elbow drop! Now he has Souza up and is taking him to the top rope!"
MJ:"Thunderbolt jumps forward and nails the Thunder Rolls! Here's the cover!
1
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
2
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
3!! Thunderbolt takes the second fall!"
LSB:"We are now knotted at two falls. But with one big difference. Souza is beat down pretty bad and Lightfoot, although beat down some is still in decent shape right now."
MJ:"Souza is trying to shake off the cobwebs so we can start this third fall. And Lightfoot is raring to go."
SGD:"Alright, I've had about enough of this. I'm going to ask Lightfoot something."
MJ:"Ask him something? He's not going to ask him anything. LSB. Go stop Sweetness from interfering. He's going to ruin the match."
LSB:"What? No way."
MJ:"Go, I'll have to tell the CEO you didn't try and you were right here."
LSB:"Well....."
(Baxter stands up and starts to follow Dix to the ring. Gordy hops up on the ring apron and is calling over to Lightfoot. Thunderbolt doesn't see him but the ref does and comes over to cut Gordy off. Baxter hops up on the apron also to talk Gordy out of getting in. The ref is still trying to get Gordy to leave.)
MJ:"This is a bizarre scene fans. Baxter has stepped through the ropes now to talk to Gordy from the inside. Baxter gets digusted and turns his head away from Gordy. Finally Dix starts to hop down. But look at Lightfoot!"
(Lightfoot turns around to see Baxter standing behind him in the ring. Baxter puts up both hands but Lightfoot will have none of it. He shoves Baxter across the ring.)
MJ:"Woah! Lightfoot thinks Baxter was about to jump him! Meanwhile, the ref is still trying to get Dix to leave the ringside area."
(Baxter pulls himself up on the ropes and now has an entirely different expression than before he was shoved down.)
MJ:"Oh goodness. LSB, calm down! Your not a wrestler anymore!"
(Baxter walks up to Lightfoot who stares him down. The crowd is going crazy seeing these two look like they are about to tie up. Time seems to stand still for a moment as the two eye each other. But Baxter shakes his head, turns around, and starts to leave the ring.)
MJ:"Look at Souza! He is up now and pushes Lightfoot! Lightfoot bumps into Baxter from behind! Baxter reacts! Lightning Strike! Lightning Strike! Baxter just nailed Thunderbolt with the Lightning Strike. He rolls out of the ring! Gordy finally hops off the apron! The ref turns around to see Souza pinning Lightfoot!
1
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
2
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Souza wins the title!"
CM:"Your, winner, and new USCW World Heavyweight Champion, "Bad Karma" RJ Souza!"
MJ:"Souza was in bad shape and it looked like Lightfoot had the title won, but Baxter hit Lightfoot with the Lightning Strike!"
(Baxter walks back over to the table and puts on a headset.)
MJ:"Why? Why did you do it?"
LSB:"You saw him, I walked out of the ring and he tried to hit me from behind! He had it coming!"
MJ:"That's not what happened!"
LSB:"What?"
(Souza takes the belt and climbs the turnbuckle to show it off to the crowd to a rousing chorus of boos. "Sweet" Gordy smiles, buys a beer from a ringside vendor, and heads off into the crowd.)
MJ:"Fans, we are out of time. I can't believe what I just saw. Souza is the champion. We'll see you on Monday!"
(The scene fades with Souza celebrating in the ring and MJ starting to yell at Baxter what happened.)