| The Account of a Man Afflicted with a Disorder which Inhibits Various Aspects of His Life This morning I awoke to the plaeasnt sounds of seagulls dying. Or do I mean singing? There are no seagulls hear. What do you mean? We’re in the north country, near mountains and far away from water. Quiet you. Anyway, I leapt from bed in preparation for my sojourn into the wilderness. You’ve never been in the wilderness. You’ll never be in the wilderness. Liar, you liar. Why do you lie? Sorry for the outburst, sometimes my mind disagrees with me. I usually yell at it to make it assent but sometimes I can’t get it to. Well, I was off. I arrived at my destination, a building in some town in the north, in which I was to construct the various structures which would be needed for which I wold use at the place which I was destined to go. Soon after I saw the snow. The snow was so pure and white and cold and it filled me with jubilation. I began to play in the snow. The snow was fun. The man was fun too. He was me. I was him. We were fun. We built another one out of snow. It was cold. We could tell because of his pale, pale flesh. We thought it would be a shame to let the flesh go to waste so we ate him. He tasted cold. We ate some yellow too. He must have spilled lemonade n himself. It must of tasted funny beaxuse it was so cold. Then they led us away from our frozen friend. I hate them. So do I. they always take us from the fun. They never let us play. Those men in white. We hate them. The tone was eerie now and it was dark. I felt a sharp pain in my neck. He felt a sharp pain in the abdomen. We were imprisoned, not in just any prison, but in the ones where you’re torchered by being strapped to a table with pointy things. We couldn’t get to sleep so we looked up at the sky through the window in the white walled room. We remembered how we used to fly up there with our young friend just like birds until our friend flew too high and was burned by the ultraviolet light. He couldn’t fly anymore so he decided to go far away. We miss him. The last time we saw him he was all dressed up - I think he was going to a party. One day while we were electioneering (I bet you didn’t know we were a politician) we stopped in a field filled with dozens of stone slabs which reminded me of all those archeological expeditions in Egypt we were on a few years ago. We stopped in front of a slab and sttod there for a while -I guess it was of great interest to us at the time. Then we got back into our strangely shaped limousine and went home. We didn’t live in the White House then but now we do. We did win by a landslide you know. It was early morning and our captors had loosened the bonds. Though the bonds were loose we knew we weren’t free; we were still tied to them. They led us to the cafeteria. It reminded me of the time we gave a lecture at Harvard; it was just after our discovery of radio waves. We had just finished our lecture as we sat down in the cafeteria for lunch. A young woman asked us about our brilliance and we were happy to oblige an answer. After we had responded her query some boor made the most boorish comment I had ever heard and he agreed - I think it was somewhere along the lines of poopy head. As we were in our youth and rather callow, we bludgeoned him unconscious. This was the start of my internship with that ffamous female author, we’re certain you know her name. She was an older women, maybe in her thirties and I was but a young lad and so was he. At first we met with her weekly, but I could tell she liked us very much because she always asked for our thoughts on various aspects which undoubtedly went into her next novel. Soon we saw her daily and our relationship became more intimate. We began sharing more than ideas with her if you catch my meaning. About four months later she left abruptly and was replaced by her apprentice, who was quite a looker but would have nothing to do with us. Lunch time was almost over and we hadn’t even finished our jello. It was lime green. We love lime. They wouldn’t let us eat it though. They would never let us eat after lunch. We always had to wait until dinner. They’re just like that crazy woman we lived with years ago. She was always crying too. She looked at us with those saad eyes as they slowly teared up. I wonder what happended to her. He does too. We arrived at the Golden Nugget in late afternoon. It seems that they had changed their color palette to all white. We were great gamblers. All the big gaming towns cowered in fear when we came to town. We won at everything slots, blackjack, Parcheesi; you name it we won at it. Of course, today we were in no particular mood to play any games, especially after that jello incident. We wanted to leave but they wouldn’t let us. We had forgotten the debt we had built up playing the other day – that’s why we couldn’t go to our room. They made us stay and watch. A week ago we met another guy. He was a big on, a big Indian in fact. They called him chief. Of course, chief was much farther in debt than us – chief wasn’t that great a gambler. Chief didn’t talk much either. We were told he was in here longer than anyone and surely longer than us. Well anyway, one day chief got so fed up that he through a table out through a window and escaped. That bastard left us behind. We hate him. We’ve gotta get out of this casino, it’s like a prison. We then soon realized we had started playing a game. It was all instinctual, of course, and, naturally, we were winning. As we rolled the dice the comeliest women we had ever seen walked in and sat next to us. A twelve. Yes, doubles - we roll again. A seven. As we move our piece to its destination on Baltic Avenue the young vixen offered us a drink and some candy. We wanted to drink the drink and to save the candy for later, but she insisted we have the candy now. She was rather stern. That aroused us. We liked women in power. We didn’t like teary-eyed effeminate women. As she began to leave our side we thought of propositioning her but thought it beter to let her go and not have it end up like that time. You remember, don’t you? She was the most attractive woman ever. She was about fifteen at the time. No, we’re not pedophiles. It was perfectly acceptable for usto be with her at that time. We had just gotten out of work from the courthouse (we were prominent lawyers) and we walked the short way to her house. We rang the bell. We waited for what seemed to be decades, but were actually minutes, until she opened the door. She was so glad to see us. She let us in. Her parents weren’t home. They had gone on a trip. We sat on the chair and she sat on the couch. We began to talk. The talking lasted for hours. We talked about many things. Then she beckoned us over to her. We sat on the couch. Things got physical. A few minutes later it became more physical. We soon propositioned her. She assented. We went upstairs with her to her room. We consummated. I liked it. So did she. And he did too. We slept over. Her parents came back. They saw us with her in her room in bed. They were shocked. They kicked us out. Two weeks later we positioned her again. She was about to assent when her sibling threatened us. We bludgeoned him unconscious. She ran away. We caught her. We copulated. She liked it. So did I. And he did too. Then we moved into the White House – we had finally won the election. We suddenly realized we were getting tired. It must have been late, but we hadn’t even eaten dinner yet. We soon awakened sitting in a urinal. Now, we know that’s not what they’re used for so we figured they had put us there. We hate them. They’re always playing tricks on us. Just like that time we were swimming in the pool at that great resort in Hawaii. We were just swimming and having a good time and talking to attractive people in white suits. Then they put blue ink into the water. Everyone laughed at us. They thought we had brought our favorite pen into the water and it had leaked. They just laughed. They didn’t even consider that our favorite pen has black ink, not blue. We hate them. We decided that we needed to play a trick on them. We would do it the next time we saw them. As we left the bathroom we saw one of them mopping the floor. We walked toward him. We saw that he was young like we were at one time and that he was not one of the ones who had hurt us so. We decided to not take out our aggression on the young man, but then he started to laugh at us. The man laughed at us because our clothes were soiled. Little did he know that he was dealing with the most powerful figures in America. Little did he know that our pants, which were soiled only because of them, were worth more than his whole ensemble and car and house. So we bludgeoned him. I liked it. And he did too. Just recently, the hotel gave us their most luxurious room. It has yellow and white pillows all over with slight tinges of red. They gave us a nice warm coat. They’re so nice to us now. We don’t hate them anymore. We’re told we have an appointment with the leucotomy specialist tomorrow. We hear he’s an excellent surgeon. We think we’ll have great time discussing medicine with him – we are renowned physicians you know. Note: All seemed errors in this piece are intentional. |