A Few Steps to Surviving a Federal Penitentiary       Though I’ve never been there or intend to be, I have comprised a guide to surviving prison. Since I’ve already mentioned that I haven’t had any experience in jail, you’re probably wondering how I could write this guide. Well, this walkthrough has been comprised of an amalgam of various movies, TV shows and documentaries, making it a thorough, complete and reliable document for those of you awaiting sentences. Here you go: Step 1: If you’re not partial to anal rape pick A, if you don’t mind pick B.  A. On day one make friends with the biggest, toughest gang members. After doing this carefully determine which gang is least likely to rape its members in the ass, join that gang. Of course you may have to do something demeaning to get in but it’ll only be once so it’s better than getting raped many times. B. If getting reamed is your bag (or you don’t mind) just become the toughest guy’s bitch. If you’re a good bitch you might be won in bets or sold for cigarettes but you won’t get killed. Step 2: Find the supplier. He’s your link to outside world. Get buddy buddy with him and he may give you some discounts (especially for sexual favors). Keep a good stock of cigs though, since they’re currency of any upstanding prison society. Step 3: Become a master of the shiv. This is the ultimate weapon in jail. Tiny and lethal, this baby is almost invisible and’ll get anyone dead, quick. Learn to make these small, sharp and easily breakable. You would think metal would make the best shiv but you’d be wrong. Metal doesn’t break easily and therefore it will stick out of your victim, which makes it easy for him to pull it out and stick you with it. The best materials for this superb weapon are wood, plastic or preferably fiberglass (if you can get your hands on it). Step 4: Watch your back. You have to be wary of threats at all times, even if you’re in a gang. Just like you, many of these hoodlums most probably have a shiv. You gotta watch for those, especially outdoors where supervision is a bit lax. Also, be careful in the showers, a slip could cost you some anal discomfort. Step 5: Escape plan. Create an escape plan, even if it’s just to keep you from going insane. If you can’t come up with one get a friend who can. And don’t be a loser, if your plan is just the slightest bit feasible, try it (ever see Escape from Alcatraz (Clint Eastwood is awesome)). Anything is better than that hellhole (well, almost).       Those are all the essential steps an upstart convict needs to survive the slammer. Here’re some extra tips though: Kiddie Killers and the like are as good as dead, so are trannies, don’t act like a homo, don’t act tough unless you're the toughest guy there, and don’t mess with the big boss. Like those? Well you better. Damn kids!