| Graduation Speech I have a speech here and I’d like to ask if you’d like me to read the short version or the long version? (Patiently wait as though an answer is expected) Well, that’s too bad because I’ll be reading the long one. (Laugh as though the failed joke had not… and was actually funny) Anyway, this is quite a significant for everyone here, except for those of you who will eventually be disappointed with your pathetic lives and fondly remember your High School days dolefully calling them your “golden years” or “the best years of my life”, to whom I say, “Well, that’s unfortunate.” And now, although I am not your father, since that would be rather odd and quite impossible, I will bestow upon you some paternal advice. First off, be true to yourself, which was Polonius’s last and most important piece of advice, but is my first and least important. And, of course, I must supply you with some delightful, although fabricated anecdotes. Otherwise, this wouldn’t be a very good speech now, would it? Don’t be gay like little Timmy (or Bob for that matter) and dress in American Eagle clothing or some crap like that just to be cool. If you’re a pathetic loser, like that terribly pathetic excuse of a hero Birdman, act like one, I do. Hell, you might get lucky and some hapless attractive chick will have some sympathy for you… and maybe even give you a blowjob. Being yourself is the only way to make friends and get chicks, except in my case. I think I should try another approach. And if people don’t like you for who are you can always become a serial killer (granted that you’re brilliant… like me), and then you can teach those bastards a lesson. Counsel, hmm? I’d say not to do drugs or some other trite expression that no one will follow anyway, but that’s not me. (Expect people to understand the obvious tie-in to the previous topic and move on) So, yeah… work hard because umm… hard work pays off, which isn’t true: everyone knows the only way to succeed is to partake in some underhanded dealings, preferably in politics or with the mob or both. But really, it’s been proven wrong so many times (referring to hard work paying off) and I am a prime example. I’ve done a miniscule amount of labor throughout my days in Hell (school) and I’ve gotten this far. For me to even reach this level is positively reprehensible to those in the seat of power and also contradictory to years of studies on the topic (I made that up). There are a few others who were able to attain this level making it quite the feat, similar to Flash Gordon saving the universe (Come now, I positively can’t believe that you don’t know who Flash Gordon is). Of course, these people are freaks, the kind of people that don’t get laid while in High School, but they are undeniably better than the majority of you. For those of you who don’t pertain to this group, which is almost all of you because I only know about five or six, I guess you’ll have to work hard, which sucks… for you, of course. Next would something I got from reading the first three chapters of The Prince (simply smile at the looks of confusion in the audience from those that are still awake after the utterance of this title), you know by Machiavelli (now slightly chuckle when some of the previously confused members nod their heads pretending they know what I’m talking about while the others are rather frustrated because they feel stupid or are oblivious to the fact that I am still talking). It was something about doing something well. I think the exact line went (as if I was coming up with it on the fly), “the injury that is to be done to a man ought to be of such a kind that one does not stand in fear of revenge.” Which is similar to what I said earlier. See, if you want some poor guy’s job (girl, money, car, house, place in the family business or many other words are interchangeable with job) you can start spreading rumors about him. Hell, you can do one better and set him up. But, of course, when you do this it must be done carefully not to arouse suspicion. And then, if worse comes to worse, you can always off the bastard. I mean, do anything to keep from ending up like that guy in The Curve. You know, the guy that dies in the end… what an idiot! This is the whole reason no one messes with the family business, I mean, I’ve had no problems. Another bit of guidance is I’ll be disclosing is that chivalry is dead. I don’t mean the being nice to women since that occasionally will get you some sex, or so I hear. I meant that the code of honour (old English) known as Chivalry has been proven an archaic means of comportment. Striking someone while they’re down isn’t dishonorable, it’s good strategy. And of course, striking someone while their down is meant literally not figuratively (meaning: not like adding insult to injury, which is also a bad example). There are also some people, like some friends of mine, that think stabbing someone in the back, literally, is an act of cowardice. This misconception is obviously wrong (hence the part about it being a misconception). Back-stabbing, as it is popularly dubbed, is quite the contrary of a craven assault and is actually a rather intelligent way of dispatching an opponent, especially if he is stronger. By stealthily striking from behind you remove yourself almost entirely out of hurt, which is always a good thing. Anyway, Chivalry was an ill-conceived Honour (old English again) Code of the olden times that has died out completely. To succeed in today’s society you have break every rule in the Code like the Incredible Hulk breaks his clothing. Here’s a quick tip: When you’re trying to fall asleep, don’t think of sexual fantasies, otherwise you’ll end up with dirty sheets. And they’ll probably stay that way for a couple of weeks. Trust me, I know what I’m talking about. Love, is it a real emotion or a false one that spawns from fear. Everyone has their own opinions about it – mine is the latter. It’s no matter though because the physical representations of love are quite real, and that is truly all that matters. Sexual intercourse should be something we all strive for. It should act like a driving force in our lives. To seek out prospects and to successfully procreate with as many as possible would be in the best interest of humanity as a whole. Promiscuity is not a bad thing, in fact if reproduction is done quickly enough and in disparate conditions evolution will quicken – and even though it would so slightly, no man can resist the ability of impacting the swiftness in which our evolution progresses. It’s funny how love is , isn’t it? Sing the Next few lines from Funny How Love Is: |
Funny how love is everywhere just look and see Funny how love is anywhere you're bound to be Funny how love is every song in every key Funny how love is when you gotta hurry 'Cause you're late for tea Funny funny funny oh Tommorrow comes tomorrow brings Tomorrow brings love in the shape of things At any time anywhere If you gotta make love do it everywhere That's what love is that's what love is. |
| If you gotta make love do it everywhere. Yeah, I like that. Quick tip #2: When at a nude beach always bring a camera. Although you’ll look like a China- man, you’ll be able to “snatch” a picture of the ever so rare hot nudist: a picture you’ll treasure as much as seeing a nude Wonder Woman straddling her invisible jet. Finally, have fun throughout your college years for they will be the last of your days without responsibility. So get drunk, get high and get laid. And don’t forget about D&D – I love that game. … Oh yeah, to you film students out there: don’t go making crappy movies like the horrid Jason X or the blasphemous Kung Pow. I wish I were Superman. The Fortress of Solitude is so cool. |