Letter of Resignation


To <name of whoever is in charge of personnel>:

     I, <your name>, have decided to resign from my much celebrated position, <job title>, in your “illustrious”
organization. There are many reasons for my seemed sudden departure from this stead and I will proceed to
list them in full detail:

Grievances:
1. My <title of superior i.e. “manager”>, <name of superior>, is quite the phallus. He has reprimanded
    me for no reason many times and shows irreverence for my abilities. He thinks this increases
    productivity and efficiency, but it does not.  He gives nonsensical tips on completing infantile tasks
    and when confronted with an intelligent rebuke resorts to barbaric tones, which escalates the situation.
    Also, when confounded by simple quandaries he will transfer the anger built from his inability to
    complete such a childish task onto his fellow workers. He also imagines inadequacies in my
    workmanship, though I do exactly what others do, and do it faster too. At times he has driven me to
    contemplating whether or not I should <“go postal”, “shoot up the place”> (extra points for using “go
    postal” if you work for USPS, UPS or FedEx). His incompetence is quite obscene and I am bewildered
    at how long he has had his job.
2. <Name of unavoidable fat guy>, the fat boor has made <obscene, rude, stupid, homosexual (choose
    one or all)> comments toward me. An example would be <example>. I have reported it many times
    and nothing has been done as of yet. (Keep this even if it is totally a fabrication)
3. <Name of boss’s kin or other pathetic employee> does little to no work and is not admonished, unlike
    me. He is an utterly pathetic individual who feels that the rest of force would surely benefit from his
    “stories”, which usually end with some insipid consequence. He thinks he is more intelligent than all
    his co-workers are because he graduated from <crappy institution whence he graduated> but is <age of
    person> and is still working <place of employment or “for his <your boss’s relation to him>”> for a
    lousy stipend of <his salary or wage>. This “<man, woman>” has made the painful drudgery of my
    laborious exploits in this institution that much more unpleasant.
4. The condition of the employee washroom is rather horrid. It seems as though it is only cleaned about
    once every two weeks, if we are lucky. The toilets don’t work properly. There are feces everywhere
    and the smell of urine is so pungent that it burns my nose, which truly hinders productivity.
5. *optional* <employee’s name>’s <wife, girlfriend, sister, etc.> has declined on many occasions my
    offers of having <an affair, sex>.
6. *optional* <name of comely co-worker> would not acquiesce to my coercion to copulate in the <area
    where copulation is possible in the workplace> in various incidences. This rejection has prompted my
    spiral into depression and has spawned suicidal delusions. I truly feel as though <she, he> has spurned
    my affection and my ideas of casual coition.
7. *optional* The various sexual <harassment, misconduct> <suits, claims> against me by <name of
    comely co-worker> has hindered my advance in relationships on the job and my promiscuity, which is
    the worst consequence of all.
8. <insert any other grievances whether they are true or not> 

     I really hope that you hapless bastards enjoy your stay in this Hell. And though I am happy that I am
leaving, I do have some regrets.  For one, I’m going to regret not pissing in the coffeepot before writing
this. Also, I wanted to run the photocopier while some chick sat on it with her skirt on. Hitting on <name of
co-worker with attractive spouse> one more time would have been great. And soliciting a hooker for the
boss would have been the best. Hell, one for myself would be great too. “What, no coming to work
inebriated?” you say. Guess you’re the only one who doesn’t know I do that everyday. So all you guys can
go straight to Hell. …Gee, I hope I remember to say hi when I get there.

                                                                                                         Sincerely,
                                                                                                         <your signature>
                                                                                                         <your name (printed you idiots)>


P.S. Have fun deleting all that porn I filled the hard drive with… and paying for all those phone sex and
psychic hotlines I called on the company dime.