Deliveryman: We have a delivery for you here, Johnny.

Johnny Damage: Just come on in.

(The deliveryman walks in the door with a clipboard, pen and paper for the East Bay Menace Johnny Damage to sign. Smoke rapidly escapes from the room because of Damage’s smoking addiction. Damage rests his cigarette on his ear and snatches the pen away from the slimy man. He immediately signs the paper)

Johnny Damage: Oh. Right. Right… Where do you have it?
Deliveryman: I have your new barbed wire right here, sir. The other part is on my truck. I can just wheel it to the ring if you want.
Johnny Damage: (snarl)Yea.

(The deliveryman rushes to his truck before the voice of Johnny Damage is heard.)

Johnny Damage: Cheers to Hardcore!

(The deliveryman looks in fear at the drunken man as the scene cut shots to Pain Express)

(Pain Express is stretching out his stubby legs before being rudely interrupted by a similar knock at his door)

(Pain Express answers the door. An overly-energized man nervously fidgeting left and right, up and down has a clipboard, pen and paper for Pain Express to sign)

Deliveryman#2: Where do you want it?
Pain Express: Roll it out to the ring.
Deliveryman#2: You want me to go out there… in front of all those people?
Pain Express: (with a serious expression, nodding his head up and down)Yeah.

(Without a choice, the deliveryman hastily runs to his truck as “Hardcore Hooligan” by Business begins to chime in the United Centre. The fans wait an oddly long time, until they see a large thirty-foot scaffolding being rolled out to the ring by the slimy deliveryman. The East Bay Menace, with a flask of courvoisier and a cigarette lit up in his mouth, staggers his way to the ring waving his Singapore Cane in the air like he just don’t care. The fans explode like a nuclear reactor unexpectedly expoloded in Chernobyl while Johnny Damage makes a cutthroat motion with the Singapore Cane.)

Jimmy: I can see that the Hardcore Hooligan has definitely put a bit of thought in this match before it even begun!
Rudolph: He purchased a 30-foot scaffolding in this hardcore bout. Pinfalls are allowed anywhere in the United Centre. There are no count-outs.

(The scaffolding is quickly set up by ringside as “Angry Chair” by Alice in Chains begins to blare in the United Centre. Pain Express signals to a deliveryman who is uneasily struggling to carry the table all by himself down to the ring. Express, sporting his usual blue cut-off jeans and a new version of his ‘Painaholics’ t-shirt. He is of course carrying his blue steel chair with the word “PAIN” on it.)

Rudolph: Right back at cha, Hooligan. Pain Express did the exact same thing and ordered a few novelty items for this match as well.
Jimmy: But Pain Express only bought a table from Fed Ex for this match!

(The deliveryman places the table in the centre of the ring and quickly gets the hell out of there. Johnny Damage rests his lit up cigarette on his ear and takes a quick swig of his beer. Ding. Ding. Ding. Pain Express charges in full force with the steel chair and Damage unprepared turns his head and spits a mouthful of alcohol into the face of Pain Express. Express releases the chair and nurses his stinging face. Johnny Damage nods his head and snarls while throwing his cigarette into the face of Pain Express. Scorched, Express’s face lights up like a light bulb as he squeals for mercy.

Jimmy: Stop, drop and roll Express!

(The short flame burns Express’s face but is extinguished rather quickly. Pain Express quickly regains composure, before getting flogged outside the ring with a hellish-clothesline by Johnny Damage right in front of Jimmy and Rudolph)

Jimmy: Look at the face of the Indiana Terminator! There are no burn marks.
Rudolph: Yea, but his goatee is almost charred clean off the face!

(Damage has bloodshot eyes as he Irish whips Pain Express into a flight of steel steps. Express lays parallel to the ropes as Damage mounts the ring. Express is slowly getting up to his feet when Damage springboards off the ropes and attempts a Senton Drop. But the power of Pain Express catches the one hundred and sixty-five pounder and begins to reverse-bear hug Damage with his head facing the ground. It looks like Damage is going to vomit as Pain Express squeezes the East Bay Menace until he’s almost at a loss of breath. Suddenly, with the sheer strength of Pain Express, he tosses Johnny Damage over top of his head with a reverse pancake! The drunken Johnny Damage collides knees first on top of the announcing table of Jimmy and Rudolph.)

Jimmy: This is up close and personal for us!
Rudolph: YOU TELL EM JIMMY!

(Pain Express slowly but in a rushed manner searches for his custom made steel chair with the words “PAIN”. Johnny Damage crawls down the aisle way in the direction back to the locker room before getting slugged from behind by the Indiana Terminator! Damage falls flat on his face. The Indiana Terminator continues his onslaught of chair shots on a struggling undefeated Johnny Damage all the way to the back room)

Jimmy: The battle continues to the back!

(Pain Express drags the punk rocker from his spiky blue hair until he reaches the “Pain Express” locker room. Express points at the words “pain” on the locker room as he hoists the scrawny man into the air… He does a bull charge crashing through the door and drops Hardcore Hooligan skull-first with his patented Pain Piledriver. Hooligan rolls on the ground like a steamroller as Express with no remorse continues the assault by lifting the easily lifted man into the position of a rolling hangman. He does a little bit of run causing a trifle of face burn after slashing the face of Johnny Damage into the concrete with another patented Pain Express move- the Rolling Hangman! Pain Express pins the drunken man)

1…2…1/4 (Johnny Damage with an adrenaline rush kicks out)

(Pain Express reaches into his repertoire and selects the Half-Nelson DDT. He tangles up his arms with the head of Damage just before getting socked in the groin by a vicious kick by Johnny Damage. He shakes the cobwebs and drags Express by his long strands of brown hair to a locker room with the name “Damage” written on it. Damage snarls before smashing the greasy skull of Pain Express into the door! Express tumbles over as Johnny Damage grabs his newly bought barbed wire and he ties it around his body. Damage does not cut himself and is used to the feel of the barbed wire surrounding his callused body. Pain Express slowly gets up, as Damage charges at him like a drunken maniac with a body splash! Express doesn’t shed a tear of blood as Damage does the same motion again!!!)

Jimmy: These two wrestlers are all callused up! It’s tough to make each other bleed!

(Damage grabs a flask of alcohol and swings it over the neck of Pain Express. Finally, blood oozes down a soft spot of Express’s body. Smiling, he drops the bottle as the glass shatters on the ground. Johnny Damage innovates his offence with repeated backhands to Express until he cannot stand. Express rolls out of the door and is almost hit by a thrown bottle of champagne. He edges his way back to the curtains and appears in front of a roaring crowd in Chicago. The Indiana Terminator looks at the sold-out crowd and receives a chair shot from the frantic East Bay Menace. The fans detonate as Damage stands on top of Pain Express in a cocky manner raising his arms high up in the air. Without taking no for an answer, Pain Express surprises the crowd by standing up on his feet catching Damage and tossing him backwards like stuffed animal. Damage crashes headfirst into the guardrail. Without hesitation, Damage counters it with a clever little eye-poke into the hazzle-eyed Indiana Terminator. Damage follows up his cheap move with the longest face burn along the guard railing ever-performed in wrestling before! The riled up Painoholics lightly pat their protégé’s back ALL FOURTY-FIVE seconds of face burn!)

Jimmy: That was the longest Indian Death Rub, I have ever seen!
Rudolph: Johnny Damage just rubbed Pain Express’s face along the entire guard railing! That was amazingly innovating!
Jimmy: I wonder if Pain Express will even have any face-prints after that!

(Pain Express rubs his face [which is completely in tact, nothing missing] as Pain Express is rolled into the ring and placed onto his purchased table… Damage picks up the cane in the ring and does the cutthroat match as he hurries up the scaffolding! Damage pokes his finger on the barbed wire that’s wrapped around his body as he takes a deep breath, never looking down. The Ref looks thirty feet up in the air and sees Johnny Damage diving and screaming like Tarzan performing a 180 Frog Splash!!!)

(Express takes it like the Hardcore Legend he is; and with a 6 second Hangover Dead Fall, Johnny Damage wrapped in barbed wire like a Christmas present dead falls onto the Indiana Terminator)

(An unexpected C4 explosion lights up the ring like a Roman Candle when Johnny Damage crushes Pain Express with the Hangover! The Ref is violently blown out of the ring from the C4 blast! In the smoke-filled ring, a Ref is hastily running with a look of concern on his face. EMT’s stampede to the ring and put on their breathing masks because of the heavy smoke... The Referee bravely pushes away all the smoke as the audience and the millions of people watching at home can hear the 1…2…3 count of the Referee in complete smoke… [but who was the count for?!? Who pinned who??? The smoke was obstructing our view!!!])

Jimmy: Who has won this thing?

(The smoke clears and the Ref is dragging up the limp body of the Hardcore Hooligan raising his right arm in the air!)

[Johnny Damage is victorious via 30-foot scaffolding hangover onto a C4 table!]

Rudolph: INCREDIBLE MATCH! This is THE best hardcore match we've ever seen in the Ultimate Wrestling Alliance!

(EMT’s still hungrily await outside the ring and they see Johnny Damage angrily rolling outside the ring, almost appearing unfazed from the C4 explosion! Alexis comes running out and starts hugging and kissing the East Bay Menace covered in soot. Pain Express is shaking his head as he still rests upon the table.)

Rudolph: Both wrestlers are okay!

(The EMT’s look surprised… Both wrestlers didn’t need any aid!)

Rudolph: After a 30-foot scaffolding drop purchased by a barbed-wired Johnny Damage; he performed the Hangover onto a cleverly rigged C4 table purchased by Pain Express!
Jimmy: WOW! What an incredible match! Express almost had his face ripped off! Both wrestlers were almost destroyed by the hidden C4 Pain Express had installed underneath the table!
Rudolph: We should call Johnny Damage, Hannibal after this! He almost took off the face of Pain Express and wore it himself!
Jimmy: That’s sick, man. What I am wondering, is there going to be an after party for Johnny Damage
Rudolph: Cheers to both of you guys. Incredible hardcore wrestling boys!

(Pain Express finally gets up to his feet; as the sweet sound of Creed- Bullets begins to blare from the speakers. Kingsly walks out with two bottles of water, one in his left and one in his right. He squeezes as the bottle caps fly off and fluid explodes in the air.)

Jimmy: Hey, it’s cheaper than paying the bills for fireworks.

Kingsly: (grabbing the mic and talks to Pain Express from the entrance way) Great skills Pain Express. Props to that. It’s too bad luck wasn’t on your side tonight. I have even more bad luck for you. I must say that what I am about to tell you will take a lot of hard work for you. To actually survive in the Ultimate Survivor you must learn about friendship and trust… (rubs his chin) We’ve witnessed a freight train crashing through Survivor… we’ve witnessed you giving numerous chair shots into the skull of Rex Butler. What we were expecting was that you’d eliminate Rex Butler entirely from the Ultimate Survivor; but what we see is Rex Butler coming back madder, gladder without any ladders. Ok, ok, ok, I’ll get to the point… Pain Express, you and Rex Butler will have to fight as Siamese Twins, meaning both legs and both arms tied together in the Immunity Main Event and your ENTIRE stay in the Ultimate Survivor. Let me remind you, your fighting in your home state of Indiana. It’s guaranteed to be filled with Painaholics! As a unit, if you two can actual make it to the end, both will have to fight against one another in Las Vegas, Nevada to determine which one of you will be THE Ultimate Survivor. You have a large task ahead of you Pain Express, you can walk away and let the entire state of Indiana watch you wuss out or you can team up as Siamese twins with Rex Butler...

(President Kingsly drops the mic on the ground and Pain Express has his mouth open in shock. A man that he’s already given numerous chair shots to- Rex Butler… Pain Express is forced to be Siamese Twins with Rex Butler!)

(The ring is being cleared from the absolute disorder between Pain Express and Johnny Damage)

Jimmy: Well, Rex Butler and Pain Express are forced to fight as Siamese twins for the rest of the Ultimate Survivor!
Rudolph: Can they make it to the end like that?
Jimmy: We have the three biggest men in the Ultimate Survivor in one single ring tonight.
Rudolph: Ixon Del Lobo has finally returned to sanity as he enters a triple threat match with Zang! These two have some sort’ve evil chemistry thing happening here…
Jimmy: Mortician has made an entirely new move in his arsenal for this match-up and he’s planning to use it on one of the two. Can’t wait to see, it Rudy.
Rudolph: Me too.

BACKSTAGE:
[The old man is gently rubbing the robust shoulders in back room]

(A remixed version of “Break Your Neck” by Busta Rhymes is heard throughout the entire arena as a police officer charges towards Zang. The old man hops onto Zang into the piggyback position and darts to the ring!)

Police officer#1: FREEZE!

(Zang emerges from the shadows as another police officer appears from the left. He holds out his hand, halting the other officers out of the United Centre.)

Police Chief: Let’s get him when he’s tired.

(The old man smiles as he is dropped off near the ring. Zang rolls into the ring with a shroud look upon his face. His mind is clouded by the thoughts of police officers will be there for him after the match)

Jimmy: If there’s any time for Zang to fight; it should be now.

(The whole arena dims as the crowd grows deathly silent, waiting in an ill fated anticipation for what is inevitably to come. The lights then slowly come on and then dim down again. Not quite in a strobe pattern but, enough to create a disorienting effect. Smoke begins to billow out from behind the curtains as well as out from underneath the ring. It creates an oppressive haze through out the whole arena. Suddenly a wolf's howl echoes through the arena piercing desolation into the hearts of those around. The methodic guitars of "Second Death" by Living Sacrifice then chime in. The song goes through the chorus as the smoke continues to billow and lights continue to dim and then reanimate. Suddenly the guitars in the song stops along with the lights, in their off period and all else. The voice continues on alone saying "Presently waiting, Second Death." trailing off in an ominous echo. When the echo stops the lights flash on with a bang. As the lights come on and eyes begin to come back into focus there is a man crouched in the ring cloaked all in grey. The smoke flees from him as he stands and removes his hood to reveal the man known only as Ixon. Ixon lumbers forward to the ring and rotates into the ring and goes into the form of a cross with his arms out.)

Jimmy: What an intro!

(Zang licks his lips nervously and fretfully strikes Ixon from behind. Suddenly, a series of flickering lights blind his opponents as Mortician suddenly appears smashing the back of “the uncontrollable” Zang. Zang is shocked by Mortician’s incredible speed.)

(Zang hjts Ixon across the face with his doughy knuckles but Ixon only smiles. Zang backs away and Mortician uses his stunning speed to tackle Ixon down to the mat! Zang squeezes his knuckles and smashes it into Mortician's face repeatedly. Ixon swats Zang to the side and sends Mortician off the ropes. As Mortician comes running at Ixon, he is hip tossed over the top rope and onto the mats outside the ring! The crowd cheers as Mortician crashes from a ten foot fall onto pure mats on the outside!)

(Zang finally has his opportunity to strike at Ixon and does so by squeezing his neck with his vice-like grip. Ixon is being strangled from behind as Zang manhandles him by running into the turnbuckle still in the position of a strangle hold. Ixon gasps for air as Zang is mumbling, “break your neck”. But the Mortician from outside the ring saves Ixon from the unbearable pain after dragging him from his large 14 inch feet! With sheer force and bit of help from the darkness within, Mortician Irish whips Zang as the steel steps collide in from Zang’s grotesque body!)

Jimmy: Steel steps aren’t made to be broken like that Rudy!

(Zang looks up and commences an onslaught of doughy jabs into the breadbasket of the Mortician. Without even noticing, Ixon rushes of the ropes and does a face first double clothesline in between the bottom and middle ropes! Zang falls back waving his arms backward and Mortician backwards somersaults down the aisle way!)

Jimmy: For a battle of the big men, that was quite an impressive agile move.

(Suddenly, the police chief emerges from the curtains and observes the match with two police officers with Billy Clubs in their paws. The old man whispers a few words into the ears of Zang before getting turned inside out with a devastating clothesline by Ixon! Ixon puts his arms out like a cross with a loud pop of the crowd. The battle is continuing outside when Mortician catches Ixon from behind dropping him on the hard concrete with a release German Suplex! Ixon grabs his head in pain as the Old Man jumps onto the back of Zang into the piggy back position. Mortician turns around and receives a shot from the steel toe boot of the old man accomplices with the mysterious man known as Zang. The old man continues kicking and screaming until Mortician just backs up pondering his next move. Zang growls when Mortician charges with a running drop kick at Zang with the old man piggyback riding him. The old man crashes onto the solid ground taking the entire three hundred and sixty pound plus giant!)

Jimmy: Those cops are waiting for the right time to strike and put Zang into the slammer.
Rudolph: What’s going to happen to his spot if he does get caught tonight!?!

(The cops hesitate to arrest Zang because the assault continues right in front of him. Ixon jumps in the air and catches Mortician off guard with a dropkick. Ixon gains control of the triple threat and grabs both opponents and tosses them in the ring like yesterday’s garbage.)

(Ixon in a fit of rage flings Zang into the turnbuckle and hip tosses Mortician quickly into the turnbuckle. Ixon yells and taps his mouth, giving a full force clothesline to Zang. At the other end of the ring, he charges like a bull but Mortician tangles up his legs causing Ixon to hit face-first into the bottom turnbuckle!)

(Mortician dusts himself off and places the head of Ixon into the inverse DDT position.

Jimmy: This, I think, is his new patented move called the Lethal Injection!

(Mortician adding a bit of gusto lifts Ixon’s straight legs into the air. But Ixon kicks his feet upwards and reverses by ending up right behind Mortician!)

(A siren is heard and the cops storm the ring in hot pursuit of Zang! Zang looks in their direction as they pursue away from the police! Zang and the old man run right through the crowd with three men in blue running after the two fugitives waving their clubs.)

(Meanwhile, in the ring, Ixon is locking legs with the Mortician. He places his hand on the back of Mortician’s head and plants him face first into the mat with Ixon’s patented Second Death)

1…2…3 (Ixon pins Mortician!)

(Mortician kicked out way too late, on about the fourth count... Ixon runs to the back room in happiness. Mortician is enraged and he stares into the lens of the camera. The cameraman drops the camera and runs to the audience. Mortician picks up the camera and whispers a few words before slamming it into the ring post! The feed halts and short-circuits as lights go out in the United Centre… all followed up with a flickering series of lights. All appears normal, but the Mortician is no longer there.)

[The screen cut shots to a helicopter spinning around a mountain peek like the hand of a clock]

Rudolph: These wrestlers are going to have to deal with something they have never dealt with in their lives before; fighting in an environment with less oxygen and freezing cold temperatures.
Jimmy: It’s pretty cold up on the mountain up there; it is below freezing temperatures. Wrestlers have their choice of what to wear and what they want to bring up on top of the mountain.

(It cut shots over to the leader of a defunct brotherhood… Kurt Stone. Kurt Stone is sporting a heavy brown bear parka as he shivers trying to maintain equilibrium within his hot-blooded body.)

(CJ Scott appears to be moon walking his way up the mountain with a pair of Oakley’s and a polar bear parka. He looks to the clouds in excitement at a camera three sixtying around him high up in the air. Scott appears to belong on the mountain with his moustache, goatee and ponytail.)

(Another helicopter drops off an ice cold Chris Rage. Rage is wearing black jeans and a dirty tank top as he shivers on top of Chicago Mountain.)

Rudolph: Rage is going to fight in that? He’s going to freeze to death!
Jimmy: He’ll like it!

(A noisy siren is heard from a distance and all three men begin to climb the mountain to its peak. Kurt Stone, the quickest of the three, climbs it with relative ease and looks at the substantial distance to the bottom. Stone trembles in fear with CJ Scott slowly manoeuvring himself behind the leader of the Brotherhood of Chaos. Sneakily, Scott places Stone into a half nelson on the mountain peak. A ref is on the top wearing a polar fleece with vertical black and white stripes. Chris Rage struggles to the top of the mountain and double clotheslines both wrestlers.)

Chris Rage: I am the push that makes you move!

(A slight avalanche is caused as all three wrestlers stop their wrestling and look in worry. Rage spins once and windmill punches Kurt Stone causing him to twirl ten yards down the mountain. CJ Scott immediately throttles the “Anti-Hero” with his vacillating fingers. Chris Rage shakes his head and hoists the CJ Scott and rams him into the obtuse angle of the mountain peak and quickly hikes his way again to the top. CJ Scott raises his hands in the air and performs a flying elbow drop from the peak of the mountain!)

(Kurt Stone crawls and scratches up the mountain and finds CJ Scott at the top. The wind is blowing hard in the face of CJ Scott, destroying his eyesight as Stone military presses CJ Scott and throws Scott like a barrel of oil. Scott flies down the mountain with a minimum ten feet of free fall!)

Jimmy: OH MY!!! CJ Scott does not have wings! Kurt Stone just tossed CJ Scott one quarter of the length down the mountain!
Rudolph: Impressive! CJ Scott is basically out this match! It’s between Kurt Stone and Chris Rage now!

(CJ Scott regains composure and starts his EXTREMELY long hike up to the mountaintop. Chris Rage catches Stone off guard and delivers a polish hammer following it up with several elbow jabs. But Stone cunningly eye rakes Rage and suplexes him up the mountain! Both men are at the top of the mountain as Stone places the head of Rage in between his legs. Rage begs for mercy but it’s too late. On the stump of the mountain, Rage’s head is pierced like a head ring. Rage drops a few steps down the mountain and desperate measures means desperate moves. Chris Rage delivers a low blow heard around the World and stumbles onto his feet with the wind blowing in his face. His hair sways in the wind as he places the head of Kurt Stone into the position of a rude awakening! Chris Rage lifts Stone into the air and pierces him on the peak of the mountain with the Rage at the top of the mountain peak! Rage quickly pins the leader of the Brotherhood!)

1…2…3 (Chris Rage defeats Kurt Stone in the IME)

(Chris Rage has a sudden look of joy to his face as he stands on the peak of the mountain with arms stretched far out wide… Chris Rage is at the top of the mountain, wind blowing in his face. Rage is the victor defeating the leader of the Brotherhood, Kurt Stone.)

Jimmy: The Brotherhood has turned into no longer existant, thanks to a bit of Mortician and Chris Rage!

(The helicopter spins around Chris Rage and notices something that he can’t see. CJ Scott has hiked his way back to the top of the mountain and he grabs Chris Rage’s in his prided victory and places him into a tazzmission. CJ Scott jumps a few meters down the mountain and drives Rage’s neck into his shoulder!)

Rudolph: Boy Scott knows how to spoil a victory!

(Scott climbs up the top of the mountain and extends his arms. The screen slowly fades away as CJ Scott claims his fame at the top of the mountain peak!)

(We've found tha answer, Kurt)