"Behold, I tell you a mystery; we shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed." Corinthians 15:51.
He said life is a mystery why things happen the way they do nobody knows. Why did April have to die? Only God knows and that God only does what is best for us even if we don't understand. He said that no one dies until they are forgotten, we are people of memory, April had an appointment with Spring and it came to soon. How do you let go? Where will you find the energy and faith to do so? You don't...it will never go away but in time it will get easier and you will learn to live with it...mommy's have a way of understanding. Trust that she will do with God as she did with you, that she will have the same terrific smile, laugh and curiosity for him as she had for you."
It has been a year since we lost April and I don't know where the time has gone. I have tried to handle it to the best of my ability but I know that I have said and done alot of hurtful things to people I love out of anger and grief. Some tried to understand... while others just couldn't...but this is something that can't be easily understood. There are SO many things that I would have said to certain people that I love, who have since gone their own way, had I known how life was going to end up. I pray that one day they will be able to find it in their hearts to understand and find a way to forgive. I've only done what I have felt was necessary to find closure for myself and peace for my baby. I was never out to get anyone and I never meant to hurt anyone. When April died a part of me died that I have tried to no avail to reclaim. How do you? I'm a different person now, my outlook on life is much different then it ever was before. I look at all these pictures I have...my memories...which most of the time help me...but then there are the days that I get very angry that this is all I have left of her because sometimes it still just doesn't feel real. I thank my parents for my video camera...without it I wouldn't be able to see the parts of her life that where captured with it. Believe it or not watching the video helps sometimes. I won't ever get my baby back but in that one tape I can see her alive, I can hear once again the way she laughed, cried, and the noises she made. With that I will never be able to forget...and I don't ever want to. My only hope is that we will be able to spread the word enough and that we will be able to save other children and parents from suffering this same fate. NO ONE should ever have to experience the loss of their child and for those who have I feel a great sadness. It will never go away...but we do learn to live with it.
April was a wonderful baby. Her laugh is an unforgettable one. She would laugh at something and then just crack herself up. She loved life, she would investigate and try everything. She was loved by so many people and she touched so many lives during her short stay with us. Even though I feel a tremendous pain that hasn't been easily understood... by not only myself but others who have tried to help...I know deep down that she is in a place where she is loved just as much as we all loved her and one day I will see her again.
