Eminen

Criminal

[Intro]
A lot of people ask me stupid fuckin' questions
A lot of people think that what I say on record
Or what I talk about on a record
That I actually do in real life, or that I believe in it
Or if I say that I wanna kill somebody, that
I'm actually gonna do it, or that I believe in it
Well shit, if you believe that, then I'll kill you
You know why?

Cuz I'm a criminal
Criminal
(You goddamn right)
I'm a criminal
Yeah, I'm a criminal

[Eminem]
My words are like a dagger with a jagged edge
And I'll stab you in the head, whether you're a fag or les
A homosex, hermaph, or a transeves
Pants address, hey fags, the answer's yes
Homophobic?
Nah, you're just heterophobic
Starin' in my jeans, watchin' my genetiles bulgin'
That's my mothafuckin' balls, you better let go of 'em
They belong in my scrotum, you'll never get ahold of 'em
Hey, it's me, Versace
Whoops, somebody shot me
And I was just checkin' the mail
Get it, checkin' the male?
How many records you expectin' to sell?
After your second LP sends you directly to jail
Come on, relax cat
I like gay men, right Ken?
Give me an Amen
"Amen!"
Please Lord, it's born ease Jesus
Hear us child, help us destroy these demons
Uh, please send me a brand new car
And a prostitute, while my wife's sick in the hospital
Preacher, preacher, 5th grade teacher
You can't reach me, my mom can't neither
You can't teach me a goddamn thing
Cuz I watch TV and Tomcat's cable
And you ain't able to stop these thoughts
You can't stop me from toppin' these charts
And you can't stop me from droppin' each March
With a brand new CD for these fuckin' retards
And to think, it's just lil' ol' me
Mr. 'don't give a fuck' still won't leave
I'm a...

1 - I'm a criminal
Cuz everytime I write a rhyme
These people think it's a crime to tell 'em what's on my mind
I guess I'm a criminal
I don't gotta say a word
I just flip 'em the bird and keep goin'
I don't take shit from no one

Repeat 1

The mother did drugs, hard liquor, cigarettes and speed
The baby came out disfigured, ligaments in need
It was a seed who would grow up just as crazy as she
Don't dare make fun of that baby cuz that baby was me
I'm a criminal
An animal caged to turn crazed
But how the fuck you supposed to grow up when you weren't
raised?
So as I got older and I got a lot taller
My dick shrunk smaller but my balls got larger
I drink more liquor to fuck you up quicker
Then you'd wanna fuck me after sayin' a word
My morals went *pft* when the president got oral
Sex in his Oval Office on top of his desk
From his own employee, now don't ignore me
You won't avoid me, you can't miss me
I'm white, blonde hair, and my nose is pointy
I'm the bad guy who makes fun of people that die
In plane crashes, and laughs, as long as it ain't happen to him
Slim Shady, I'm as crazy as Eminem and Kim combined
(The maniac sent) In place of the doctor
Cuz Dre couldn't make it today
He's a little under the weather, so I'm takin' his place
Oh, that's Dre, with an AK to his face
Don't make me kill him too and spray his brains all over the place

I told you Dre, you should kept that thing put away
I guess that'll teach you not to let me play with an A
I'm a criminal!

[Dre] (Eminem)
Alright look (uh-huh)
Just go up in that mothafucka
Get the mothafuckin' money and get the fuck up outta there
(Alright)
I'll be right here waitin' on you
(Alright)
Yo Em!
(What?!)
Don't kill nobody this time!
(Alright!)
(Goddamn, this mothafucka gets on my fuckin' nerves)

[Eminem] (Bank teller)
(Hi) How you doin'?
(How can I help you?)
Yeah, I need to make a withdrawl
(Okay)
Put the fuckin' money in the bag bitch
And I won't kill you
(Oh my God, don't kill me)
I'm not gonna kill you bitch
Quit lookin' around
(Don't kill me, I've got 2 kids at home, don't kill me)
I told you I'm not gonna fuckin' kill you
Hurry the fuck up!
*gun shot*
THANK YOU!

[Eminem]
Windows tinted on my ride when I drive in it
So when I rob a bank, run out and just dive in it
So I'll be disguised in it
And if anybody identifies the guy in it
I'll hide for 5 minutes
Come back, shoot the eyewitness
Fire at the private eye hired to pry in my business
Die bitches
Passed this scratched 'Vette
This puppy's lucky I didn't blast his ass yet
If I ever gave a fuck, I'd shave my nuts
Tuck my dick in between my legs and cluck
You mothafuckin' chickens ain't brave enough
To say the stuff I say, so just tape it shut
Shit, half the shit I say, I just make it up
To make you mad, so kiss my white naked ass
And if it's not a rapper that I'll make it as
I'mma be a fuckin' rapist in a Jason mask

Repeat 1 (4x)

Drug ballad

*laugher
Ooh shit (ooh, hey, ooh)
Guess what?
I ain't coming in yet,
I'll come in in a minute
Ayo, this is my love song
It goes like this

Back when Mark Wallburg was Marky Mark
This is how we used to make the party start
We used to mix in with Bacardi Dark
And when it kicks in you can hardly talk
And by the sixth gin you gon' probably crawl
And you'll be sick then and you'll probably barf
And my prediction is you gon' probably fall
Either somewhere in the lobby or the hallway wall
And everything's spinnin'
You're beginning to think women are swimmin in pink linen
Again in the sink
Then in a couple of minutes that bottle of Guinness is finished
You are now allowed to officially slap bitches
You have the right to remain violent and start wildin'
Start a fight with the same guy that was smart eyein' you
Get in the car and start it and start drivin
Over the island and cause a 42 car pile up

Earth calling, pilot to co-pilot
Looking for life on this planet sir, no sign of it
All i could see is a bunch of smoke flyin
And I'm so high that I might die if I go by it
Let me out of this place I'm outta place
I'm in in outter space, I've just vanished without a trace
I'm going to a pretty place now where the flowers grow
I'll be back in an hour or so

Cause every time I go to try to leave (Whoa)
Somethin' keeps pullin on my sleeve (Whoa)
I dont wanna but I gotta stay (Whoa)
These drugs really gotta hold on me (Whoa)
Cause everytime I try ta tell 'em no (Whoa)
They won't let me ever let 'em go (Whoa)
I'm a sucker all I gotta say (Whoa)
Is drug's really gotta hold on me?

In third grade all I used to do
Was sniff glue through a tube and play rubix cube
Seventeen years later I'm as rude as you
Schemein on the first chick with the hugest boobs
I got no game and every face looks the same
They got no name so i don't need game to play
I just say whatever I want, to whoever I want
Whenever i want, wherever I want, however I want
However I do show some respect to few
This ecstacy has got me standin next to you
Gettin sentimental as fuck, spillin' guts to you
We just met but I think I'm in love with you
But you're on it too so you tell me you love me too
Wake up in the morning like "Yo what the fuck we do?"
I gotta go bitch, you know I got stuff to do
Cause if I get caught cheatin then I'm stuck with you
But in the long run these drugs are probably gonna catch up
sooner or later
But fuck it I'm on one so let's enjoy
Let the X destroy your spinal chord,
So it's not a straight line no more
So we walk around lookin' like some windup dolls
Shit stickin' out of our backs like a dinosaur
Shit six hits won't even get me high no more
So bye for now I'm gonna try to find some more

Cause every time I go to try to leave (Whoa)
Somethin' keeps pullin on my sleeve (Whoa)
I dont wanna but I gotta stay (Whoa)
These drugs really gotta hold on me (Whoa)
Cause everytime I try ta tell 'em no (Whoa)
They won't let me ever let 'em go (Whoa)
I'm a sucker all I gotta say (Whoa)
Is drug's really gotta hold on me?

That's the sound of a bottle when it's hollow
When you swallow it all
Wallow and drown in your sorrow
And tomorrow your probably gonna wanna do it again
What's a little spinal fluid between you and a friend, screw it
And whats a little bit of alcohol poisoning?
And whats a little fight?
Tomorrow you'll be boys again
It's your life live it however you wanna
Marajuana is everywhere, where was you brought up?
It don't matter as long as you get where you're goin'
Cause none of this shit's gonna mean shit where we're goin
They tell you to stop but you just sit there ignorin'
Even though you wake up feelin' like shit every morning
But your young you got a lot of drugs to do
Girls to screw, parties to crash, sucks to be you
If I could take it all back now I wouldn't
I would've did more shit that people said that I shouldnt
But I'm all grown up now and upgraded
And graduated to better drugs and updated
But I still gotta a lot of growin' up to do
I still gotta whole lot of throwin' up to spew
But when it's all said and done before I know it
I'll be forty with a forty on the porch tellin stories
With a bottle of Jack, two grandkids on my lap
Babysitting for Hailey, while Hailey's out gettin shmashed

Cause every time I go to try to leave (Whoa)
Somethin' keeps pullin on my sleeve (Whoa)
I dont wanna but I gotta stay (Whoa)
These drugs really gotta hold on me (Whoa)
Cause everytime I try ta tell 'em no (Whoa)
They won't let me ever let 'em go (Whoa)
I'm a sucker all I gotta say (Whoa)
Is drug's really gotta hold on me?

Cause every time I go to try to leave (Whoa)
Somethin' keeps pullin on my sleeve (Whoa)
I dont wanna but I gotta stay (Whoa)
These drugs really gotta hold on me (Whoa)
Cause everytime I try ta tell 'em no (Whoa)
They won't let me ever let 'em go (Whoa)
I'm a sucker all I gotta say (Whoa)
Is drug's really gotta hold on me?

Drugs really got a hold on me
Really got a hold on me
Cause drugs really got a hold on me
They really got a hold on me

Kill you

When I was just a little baby boy
My mamma used to tell me these crazy things
She used to tell me my daddy was an evil man
She used to tell me he hated me
But then I got a little bit older and I realized she was the crazy one
And there was nothing I could do or say to change her
Cause that's just the way she was

They said I can't rap about being broke no more
They didn't say I can't rap about coke no more
(Ahh)
Slut, you think I won't choke no whore
Till her vocal cords don't work in her throat no more
(Ahh)
These motherfuckers are thinking I'm playin'
Thinking I'm sayin' this shit 'cause I'm thinkin' it
Just to be sayin' it
(Ahh)
Put your hands down bitch I ain't gon' shoot you
I'mma pull you to this bullet and put it through you
(Ahh)
Shut up, slut you're causing too much chaos
Just bend over and take it like a slut, ok ma
Oh, now he's raping his own mother, abusing her
Worse snortin' coke, and we gave him the Rolling Stone cover?
You're goddamn right bitch, and now it's too late
I'm triple-platnum and tragedies happened in two states
I invented violence you vile, venomous, vomital bitches
Vain, vicadin, vrin-vrin-vrin
Touch this chainsaw, left his brains all
Dangling from his neck while his head barely hangs on
Blood, guts, guns, cuts
Knives, lives, wives, nuns, sluts

Bitch, I'mma kill you
You don't wanna fuck with me
Girls leave, you ain't nothin' but a slut to me
Bitch, I'mma kill you
You don't got the balls to beef
We ain't gon' never stop beefin'
I don't squash the beef
You better kill me
I'mma be another rapper dead
For poppin' off at the mouth with shit I shouldn't have said
But when they kill me
I'm bringin' the world with me
Bitches too, you ain't nothin' but a girl to me

I said you don't wanna fuck with Shady
(Cause why?)
Cause Shady will fuckin' kill you
(Ha-ha)
You don't wanna fuck with Shady
(Why?)
Cause Shady will fuckin' kill you

Bitch, I'mma kill you
Like a murder weapon I'mma conceal you
In a closet with mildew, sheets, pillows & film you
Fuck with me, I've been through hell, shut the hell up
I'm try-na to develop these pictures of the devil to sell them
I ain't Acid Rap but I rap on acid
Got a new blow torch and just had a strap-on added
Woops, is that a subliminal hint? No!
It's criminal intent, to sodomize women again
Eminem offend? No, Eminem'll assault
And if you ever give it to him you'll give him an impulse
To do it again, then if he does it again
You probabaly end up jumping out of something up in the tents
Bitch, I'mma kill you
I ain't done, this ain't the chorus
I ain't even drug you in the woods yet to paint the forest
A bloodstain is orange after you wash it three or four times
In a tub but that's normal ain't it Norman?
Serial killer hiding murder material
In a cereal box on top of your stereo
Here we go again, we're out of out medicine
Out of our minds, and we want in yours
Let us in

Or I'mma kill you
You don't wanna fuck with me
Girls leave, you ain't nothin' but a slut to me
Bitch, I'mma kill you
You don't got the balls to beef
We ain't gon' never stop beefin'
I don't squash the beef
You better kill me
I'mma be another rapper dead
For poppin' off at the mouth with shit I shouldn't have said
But when they kill me
I'm bringin' the world with me
Bitches too, you ain't nothin' but a girl to me

I said you don't wanna fuck with Shady
(Cause why?)
Cause Shady will fuckin' kill you
(Ha-ha)
You don't wanna fuck with Shady
(Why?)
Cause Shady will fuckin' kill you

He-heh
Know why I say these things
Cause ladies screams be creepin' in Shady's dreams
And the way things seem, I shouldn't have to pay these shrinks
These eighty g's so he can say the same things tweece
Twice, whatever, I hate these things
Fuck shots, I hope this weed'll outweigh these drinks
Motherfuckers want me to come on their radio shows
Just to argue with them 'cause their ratings stink?
Fuck that, I'll choke radio announcer to bouncer
From that bitch to all seventy thousand pounds of her
From the princapal to student body and counseler
From in school to before school to outta school
I don't even believe in breathin'
I'm leavin' air in your lungs so you can keep screamin'
For me to seep it
Okay, I'm ready to go play
I got the machette from OJ
I'm ready to make everyone's throats ache
You faggots keep egging me on
Till I have you at knife point then you beg me to stop?
Shut up, give me your hands and feet
I said shut up when I'm talking to you
You hear me? Answer me

Or I'mma kill you
You don't wanna fuck with me
Girls leave, you ain't nothin' but a slut to me
Bitch, I'mma kill you
You don't got the balls to beef
We ain't gon' never stop beefin'
I don't squash the beef
You better kill me
I'mma be another rapper dead
For poppin' off at the mouth with shit I shouldn't have said
But when they kill me
I'm bringin' the world with me
Bitches too, you ain't nothin' but a girl to me

I said you don't wanna fuck with Shady
(Cause why?)
Cause Shady will fuckin' kill you
(Ha-ha)
You don't wanna fuck with Shady
(Why not?)
Cause Shady will fuckin' kill you

Ha-ha-ha!
I'm just playin' ladies
You know I love you

Marshall Matters

You know I just don't get it
Last year I was nobody
This year I'm sellin records
Now everyone wants to come around like I owe 'em something
What the fuck you want from me?
Ten million dollars!
Get the fuck outta here!

You see I'm just Marshall Mathers
(Marshal Mathers)
I'm just a regular guy I don't know why
All the fuss about me
(Fuss about me)
Nobody ever gave a fuck before
All they did was doubt me
(Did was doubt me)
Now everybody wanna run they mouth
And try to take shots at me
(Take shots at me)

Yo, you might see me joggin'
You might see me walkin'
You might see me walkin' a dead Rottweiler dog
With his head chopped off in the park with a spiked collar
Hollering at him cause the son of a bitch wont quit barking
Or leaning out a window with a cocked shotgun
Driving up the block in the car that they shot Pac in
Lookin for Big's killers, dressin' ridiculous
Blue and red like I don't see what the big deal is
Double barrel twelve gauge bigger than Chris Wallace
Pissed off, cause Biggie and Pac just missed all this
Watchin' all these cheap imitations get rich off em
And get dollars that should've been theirs like they switched
wallets
And amidst all this Cris poppin and wrist watches
I just sit back and just watch and just get nauseous
And walk around with a empty bottle of Remi Martin
Starting shit like some 26 year old skinny Cartman
(God Damn It!)
I'm anti Backstreet and Ricky Martin
Its instincts to kill N Sync don't get me started
These fucking brats can't sing and Britney's garbage
What is this bitch retarded?
Gimme back my sixteen dollars
All I see is sissies in magazines smiling
(He-he!)
Whatever happened to wildin out and being violent
Whatever happened to catchin a good old-fashioned passionate
Ass whoopin' and getting your shoes, coat, and your hat tooken

New kids on the block suck a lot of dick
Boy/girl groups make me sick
And I can't wait till I catch all you faggots in public
I'mma love it
(Ha-ha-ha)

Vanilla Ice don't like me
(Uh-uh)
He said some shit in Vibe to spite me
(Yep!)
Then went and dyed his hair just like me
(Heh-heh)
A bunch of little kids wanna swear just like me
And run around screamin "I don't care, just bite me"
(Na-na)
I think I was put here to annoy the world
And destroy your little four-year old boy or girl
Plus I was put here to put fear in faggots who spray Faygo root
beer
And call them selves clowns cause they look queer
Faggots who don't but silent gay
Claimin' Detroit, when y'all live twenty miles away
And I don't wrestle I'll knock you fuckin' faggots the fuck out
Ask them about the club they was at when they snuck out
After they ducked out the back when they saw us and bugged
out
Ducked down and got paintball shot at they truck, plow
Look at y'all runnin your mouth again
When you ain't seen a fuckin' mile road South of 10
And I don't need help from D-12
To beat up two females in make up
Who may try to scratch me with Lee nails
Slim Anus! You damn right Slim Anus
I don't get fucked in mine like you two little flaming faggots

Cause I'm just Marshall Mathers
(Marshal Mathers)
I'm not a wrestler guy
I'll knock you out if you talk about me
(Talk about me)
Come and see me on the streets alone
If you assholes doubt me
(Assholes doubt me)
And if wanna run your mouth
Then come and take your best shot at me
(Best shot at me)

Is it because you love me that y'all expect so much of me?
You little groupie bitch get off me, go fuck Puffy
Now because of this blonde mop that's on top
With this fucked up head that I've got I've gone pop
The underground just spun around and did a 360
Now these kids diss me and act like some big sissies
Oh, he just did some shit with Missy
So now he thinks he's too big to do some shit with Emcee Get
Busy
My fuckin' bitch mom suing for ten million
She must want a dollar for every pill I've been stealing
Shit, where the fuck you think I picked up the habit
All I had to do was go in her room and lift up her mattress
Which is it bitch Mrs. Briggs or Ms. Mathers
It doesn't matter - faggot
Talkin about how I fabricated my past
She's just aggravated I won't ejaculate in his ass
So tell me what the hell is a fella to do?
For every million I make, another relative sues
Family fighting and fussin'
Over for who wants to invite me to supper
All of a sudden I got 90 some cousins
(Hey it's me!)
A half brother and sister who never see me
Or even bothered to call me until they saw me on TV
Now everybody's so happy and proud
I'm finally allowed to set foot in my girlfriend's house
(Hey!)
And then to top it off I walk to the newsstand
And buy this cheap ass magazine with a food stamp
Skipped to the last page flipped right fast
And what do I see? A picture of my big white ass!
Ok, lemme give you motherfuckers some help
Uh here Double XL, Double XL
Now your magazine shouldn't have so much trouble to sell
Aww fuck it I'll even buy a couple myself

Cause I'm just Marshall Mathers
(Marshal Mathers)
I'm just a regular guy I don't know
All the fuss about me
(Fuss about me)
Nobody ever gave a fuck before
All they did was doubt me
(Did was doubt me)
Now everybody wanna run they mouth
And try to take shots at me
(Take shots at me)

Cause I'm just Marshall Mathers
(Marshal Mathers)
I'm just a regular guy I don't know
All the fuss about me
(Fuss about me)
Nobody ever gave a fuck before
All they did was doubt me
(Did was doubt me)
Now everybody wanna run they mouth
And try to take shots at me
(Take shots at me)

My name is

(scratches)

CHORUS:
Hi! My name is (what?)...my name is (who?)...
my name is... Slim Shady
Hi! My name is (huh?)...my name is (what?)...
my name is... Slim Shady (2x)

Ahem...excuse me!
Can I have the attention of the class for one second...

Hi kids! Do you like violence? (yeah yeah yeah!)
Wanna see me stick nine inch nails through each one of my eyelids? (uh huh!)
Wanna copy me and do exactly like I did? (yeah yeah!)
Try 'cid and get fucked up worse than my life is? (huh?)
My brain's dead weight, I'm tryin' to get my head straight
But I can't figure out which Spice Girl I want to impregnate (Ummmm..)
Dr. Dre said: "Slim Shady you a basehead..."
Uh-uhhh! "Then why's ya face red, man you wasted..."
Well since age 12 I've felt like I'm someone else
Cuz I hung my original self from the top bunk with a belt
Got pissed off and ripped Pamela Lee's tits off
And smacked her so hard I knocked her clothes backwards like Kris Kross
I smoke a fat pound of grass and fall on my ass
Faster than a fat bitch who sat down too fast
C'mere slut! (Shady, wait a minute, that's my girl dog!)
I don't give a fuck, God sent me to piss the world off

CHORUS

My English teacher wanted to flunk me in junior high
Thanks a lot, next semester I'll be 35
I smacked him in his face with an eraser
Chased him with a stapler
And stapled his nuts to a stack of paper (Owwwwwwww!)
Walked in a strip club, had my jacket zipped up
Flashed the bartender and stuck my dick in the tip cup (Wsssshhhhh...)
Extraterrestrial, running over pedestrians
In a space ship while they're screamin' at me: "LET'S JUST BE FRIENDS!"
99% of my life I was lied to
I just found out my mom does more dope than I do
I told her I'd grow up to be a famous rapper
Make a record about doin' drugs and name it after her (Oh thank you!)
You know you blew up when the women rush the stands
To try to touch your hands like some screamin' Usher fans (Aaahhhhhh!)
This guy in White Castle asked for my autograph
So I signed it: 'Dear Dave, thanks for the support, ASSHOLE!

CHORUS

Stop the tape! This kid needs to be locked away! (Get him!)
Dr. Dre don't just stand there, OPERATE!
I'm not ready to leave, it's too scary to die
I'll have to be carried inside the cemetery and buried alive
Am I comin' or goin'? I can barely decide,
I just drank a fifth of vodka...dare me to drive? (Go 'head.)
All my life I was very deprived
I ain't had a woman in years, my palms are too hairy to hide
Clothes ripped like the Incredible Hulk
I spit when I talk, I'll fuck anything that walks (C'mere.)
When I was little I used to get so hungry I would throw fits
HOW YOU GONNA BREAST FEED ME MOM? YOU AIN'T GOT NO TITS!
I lay awake and strap myself in the bed
Put a bulleproof vest on and shoot myself in the head (BANG!)
I'm steamin' mad (Arrrggghhh!)
And by the way when you see my dad? (Yeah.)
Tell him that I slit his throat in this dream I had

CHORUS to fade out

Stan

[Dido]
My tears gone cold, I'm wonderin' why
I got out of bed at all
The morning rain clouds at my window and I can't see at all
And even if I could, it would all be great
To put your picture on my wall
It reminds me that it's not so bad, it's not so bad.
My tears gone cold, I'm wonderin' why

I got out of bed at all
The morning rain clouds at my window and I can't see at all
And even if I could, it would all be great
To put your picture on my wall
It reminds me that it's not so bad, it's not so bad.

Dear Slim,
I wrote you but you still ain't callin'
I left my cell, my pager, and my home phone at the bottom
I sent two letters back in Autumn
You must not have got 'em
There probably was a problem at the post office or somethin'
Sometimes I scribble addresses too sloppy when I jot 'em
But anyways, fuck it, what's been up man, how's your daughter?

My girlfriend's pregnant too, I'm 'bout to be a father
If I have a daughter, guess what I'mma call her?
I'mma name her Bonnie
I read about your uncle Ronnie too, I'm sorry
I had a friend kill himself over some bitch who didn't want him
I know you probably hear this everyday, but I'm your biggest fan

I even got the underground shit that you did with Scam
I got a room full of your posters and your pictures man
I like the shit you did with Ruckus too, that shit was phat
Anyways, I hope you get this man, hit me back, just to chat
Truly yours, your biggest fan
This is Stan

[Dido]
My tears gone cold, I'm wonderin' why
I got out of bed at all
The morning rain clouds at my window and I can't see at all
And even if I could, it would all be great
To put your picture on my wall
It reminds me that it's not so bad, it's not so bad.

Dear Slim,
You still ain't called or wrote
I hope you have a chance
I ain't mad, I just think it's fucked up you don't answer fans
If you didn't want to talk to me outside your concert
You didn't have to but you could have signed an autograph for
Matthew
That's my little brother man, he's only six years old
We waited in the blistering cold for you
For four hours and ya just said no
That's pretty shitty man, you're like his fucking idol
He wants to be just like you man, he likes you more than I do
I ain't that mad though I just don't like bein' lied to
Remember when we met in Denver, you said if I write you
You would write back
See, I'm just like you in a way
I never knew my father neither
He used to always cheat on my mom and beat her
I can relate to what you're sayin' in your songs
So when I have a shitty day, I drift away and put 'em on
Cause I don't really got shit else
So that shit helps when I'm depressed
I even got a tattoo with your name across the chest
Sometimes I even cut myself to see how much it bleeds
It's like adrenaline, the pain is such a sudden rush for me
See, everything you say is real, and I respect you 'cause you tell it
My girlfriend's jealous 'cause I talk about you 24/7
But she don't know you like I know you Slim, no one does
She don't know what it was like for people like us growing up
You've gotta call me man
I'll be the biggest fan you'll ever lose
Sincerely yours,
Stan
P.S. We should be together too

[Dido]
My tears gone cold, I'm wonderin' why
I got out of bed at all
The morning rain clouds at my window and I can't see at all
And even if I could, it would all be great
To put your picture on my wall
It reminds me that it's not so bad, it's not so bad.

Dear Mr. 'I'm too good to call or write my fans'
This'll be the last package I ever send your ass
It's been six months and still no word
I don't deserve it?
I know you got my last two letters, I wrote the addresses on 'em perfect.
So this is my cassette I'm sending you. I hope you hear it
I'm in the car right now, I'm doing 90 on the freeway
Hey Slim, "I drank a fifth of vodka, ya dare me to drive?"
You know that song by Phil Collins from "The Air In The Night"?
About that guy who could have saved that other guy from
drowning?
But didn't?
Then Phil saw it all then at his show he found him?
That's kinda how this is
You could have rescued me from drowning
Now it's too late
I'm on a thousand downers now, I'm drowsy
And all I wanted was a lousy letter or a call
I hope you know I ripped all o' your pictures off the wall
I love you Slim, we could have been together
Think about it
You ruined it now, I hope you can't sleep and you dream about it
And when you dream, I hope you can't sleep and you scream about it
I hope your conscious eats at you and you can't breathe without me
See Slim, shut up bitch, I'm try-na talk
Hey Slim, that's my girlfriend screaming in the trunk
But I didn't slit her throat, I just tied her up, see I ain't like you
'Cause if she suffocates, she'll suffer more, and then she'll die too
Well, gotta go, I'm almost at the bridge now
Oh shit, I forgot, how am I supposed to send this shit out?

[Dido]
My tears gone cold, I'm wonderin' why
I got out of bed at all
The morning rain clouds at my window and I can't see at all
And even if I could, it would all be great
To put your picture on my wall
It reminds me that it's not so bad, it's not so bad.

Dear Stan,
I meant to write you sooner, but I've just been busy
You said your girlfriend's pregnant now, how far along is she?
Look, I'm really flattered you would call your daughter that
And here's an autograph for your brother
I wrote it on a Starter cap
I'm sorry I didn't see you at the show, I must have missed you
Don't think I did that shit intentionally, just to diss you
But what's the shit you said about you like to cut your wrists too?
I say that shit just clownin' dawg, come on, how fucked up is you?
You got some issues, Stan, I think you need some counselin'
To help your ass from bouncin' off the walls when you get down some
And what's this shit about us meant to be together?
That type of shit'll make me not want us to meet each other.
I really think you and your girlfriend need each other
Or maybe you just need to treat her better
I hope you get to read this letter
I just hope it reaches you in time
Before you hurt yourself
I think that you'd be doin' just fine
If you'd relax a little
I'm glad that I inspire you, but Stan
Why are you so mad?
Try to understand that I do want you as a fan
I just don't want you to do some crazy shit
I seen this one shit on the news a couple weeks ago that made me sick
Some dude was drunk and drove his car over a bridge
And had his girlfriend in the trunk and she was pregnant with his kid
And in the car they found a tape but it didn't say who it was to
Come to think about it, his name was, it was you
Damn

Steve Berman

Eminem: Hey!
Steve: Hey, Em, what's up?
Eminem: Steve Berman, what's goin' on man?
Hoow you doin'? Good to see you again, what's up?
Steve: Em, could you come here and have a seat please?
Eminem: Umm, yeah, what's?
Steve: Vannessa, shut the door
Vaness: Okay
Eminem: So what's up? How's orders looking for the first week?
Steve: It would be better if you gave me nothing at all
Eminem: What?
Steve: This album is less than nothing
I can't sell this fucking record!
Eminem: What?
Steve: Do you know what's happening to me out there?
Eminem: Wha-what's the problem?
Steve: Violent Ground told me to go fuck myself!
Eminem: Who's Violent-?
Steve: Tower Records told me to shove this record up my ass!
Do you know what it feels like to be told to have a record
shoved up your ass?
Eminem: But, I-
Steve: I'm gonna lose my fuckin' job over this
Do you know why Dre's record was so successful?
He's rappin' about big-screen TV's, blunts, 40's and bitches
You're rappin' about homosexuals and Vicadin
Eminem: I mean-
Steve: I can't sell this shit!
Eminem: What?
Steve: Either change the record or it's not coming out!
Eminem: What? I-
Steve: Now get the fuck out of my office!
Eminem: What am I supposed?
Steve: Now!
Eminem: Alright man

The Real Slim Shady

(Talking)
May I have your attention please, may I have your attention
please, will the real slim shady please stand up, I repeat will the
real slim shady please stand up.....we're gonna have a problem
here.........

(Verse 1)
Ya'll act like you never seen a white person before
jaws all on the floor
like pam and tommy just burst in the door
and started whoopin her ass worse than before
they first were divorced
throwing her over furniture (aaaaaah)
It's the return of the...
"awww..wait, no wait, you're kidding,
he didn't just say what I think he did,
did he?"
and Dr. Dre said...
nothing you idiots, Dr Dre's dead
he's locked in my bassment
feminist women love eminem
chicka chicka chicka slim shady,
"I'm sick of him, lookit him
walkin around, grabbin his you know what
flippin' to you know who"
"yeah, but he's so cute though"
yeah, I probably got a couple of screws up in my head loose
but no worse than what's goin on in your parents bedroom
(eheheheh)
sometimes, I wanna get on TV and just let loose
but cant, but it's cool for Tom Green to hump a dead moose
My bum is on your lips, My bum is on your lips
and if I'm lucky, you might just give it a little kiss
and that's the message that we deliver to little kids
and expect them not to know what a woman's clitoris is
of course they're gonna know what intercourse is
by the time they hit 4th grade
they got the discovery channel, dont they?
we ain't nothing but mammals
well, some of us cannibals
who cut other people open like cantelopes
but if we can hump dead animals and antelopes
then there's no reason that a man and another man can't elope
but if you feel like I feel, I got the antedote
women wave your pantehose, sing the chorus and it
goes..............

(Chorus)
I'm Slim Shady, yes, I'm the real Shady
all you other Slim Shadys are just imitating
so wont the real Slim Shady please stand up, please stand up,
please stand up
cause I'm Slim Shady, yes, I'm the real Shady
all you other Slim Shadys are just imitating
so wont the real Slim Shady please stand up, please stand up,
please stand up

(Verse 2)
Will Smith don't got to cuss in his raps to sell records
well I do, so fuck him and fuck you too
you think I give a damn about a grammy
half of you critics can't even stomach me, let alone stand me
"but slim, what if you win, wouldn't it be weird"
why? so you guys can just lie to get me here
so you can sit me here next to britney spears
shit,Christina Aguilera better switch me chairs
so I can sit next to Carson Daly and Fred Durst
and hear em argue over who she gave head to first
little bitch, put me on blast on MTV
"yeah, he's cute, but I think he's married to Kim, hee hee"
I should download her audio on MP3
and show the world how you gave eminem VD (aaaaaah)
I'm sick of you little girl and boy groups
all you do is annoy me
so I have been sent here to destroy you
and there's a million of us just like me
who cuss like me, who just don't give a fuck like me
who dress like me, walk, talk and act like me
and just might be the next best thing, but not quite
me.................

(Chorus)
I'm Slim Shady, yes, I'm the real Shady
all you other Slim Shadys are just imitating
so wont the real Slim Shady please stand up, please stand up,
please stand up
cause I'm Slim Shady, yes, I'm the real Shady
all you other Slim Shadys are just imitating
so wont the real Slim Shady please stand up, please stand up,
please stand up

(Verse 3)
I'm like a head trip to listen to
cause I'm only givin you things
you joke about with your friends inside you livin' room
the only difference is I got the balls to say it
in front of ya'll and I aint gotta be false or sugar coated at all
I just get on the mic and spit it
and whether you like to admit it (riiip)
I just shit it better than 90% you rappers out can
then you wonder how can
kids eat up these albums like valiums
it's funny,cause at the rate I'm going when I'm thirty
I'll be the only person in the nursing home flirting
pinchin nurses asses when I'm jackin off with jergen's
and I'm jerkin' but this whole bag of viagra isn't working
in every single person there's a slim shady lurkin
he could be workin at burger king, spittin on your onion rings
or in the parking lot, circling, screamin I dont give a fuck
with his windows down and his system up
so will the real shady please stand up
and put 1 of those fingers on each hand up
and be proud to be outta your mind and outta control
and 1 more time, loud as you can, how does it go? .................

(Chorus)
I'm Slim Shady, yes, I'm the real Shady
all you other Slim Shadys are just imitating
so wont the real Slim Shady please stand up, please stand up,
please stand up
cause I'm Slim Shady, yes, I'm the real Shady
all you other Slim Shadys are just imitating
so wont the real Slim Shady please stand up, please stand up,
please stand up
cause I'm Slim Shady, yes, I'm the real Shady
all you other Slim Shadys are just imitating
so wont the real Slim Shady please stand up, please stand up,
please stand up
cause I'm Slim Shady, yes, I'm the real Shady
all you other Slim Shadys are just imitating
so wont the real Slim Shady please stand up, please stand up,
please stand up

(Talking)
haha guess it's a slim shady in all of us........ fuck it let's all
stand up

The way I am

Whatever
Dre just let it run
Ay yo turn the beat up a little bit
Ay yo, this song is for anyone
Fuck it just shut up and listen

Ay yo
I sit back with this pack of zigzags
And this bag of this weed
It gives me the shit needed to be
The most meanest emcee on this - on this earth
Cause since birth I've been cursed with this curse to just cursed

And just blurt this bezerk and bizarre shit that works
And it sells and it helps in its self
To relieve all this tension dispensing me
Sentence is getting it, stress has been eating me recently
All through this chest and I rest to get peacefully
But at least have the decency in you to leave me alone
When you freaks see me out in the streets when I'm eating or
feedin' my daughter
To not come and speak to me
I don't know you and no I don't owe you a motherfuckin thing
I'm not Mr. NSYNC and I'm not what your friends think
I'm not Mr. Friendly
I can be a prick, if you tip me my tank is on empty
No patience is in me and if you offend me I'm lifting you ten feet

In the air, I don't care who was there and who saw me just jaw
you
Go call you a lawyer file you a lawsuit
I'll smile in the courtroom and buy you a wardrobe
I'm tired of arguing - I don't mean to mean but it's all I can be
It's just me

And I am
Whatever you say I am
If I wasn't, then why would I say I am?
In the papers, the news, everyday I am
Radio won't even play my jam

Cause I am
Whatever you say I am
If I wasn't, then why would I say I am?
In the papers, the news, everyday I am
I don't know it's just the way I am

Sometimes I just feel like my father, I hate to be bothered
With all of this nonsense it's constant
And "oh it's just lyrical content!"
The song "Guilty Conscience" has gotten such rotten responses
And all of this controversy circles me
And it seems like the media immediately points a finger at me
So I point one back at 'em
But not the index or the pinky or the ring or the thumb
It's the one you put up when you don't give a fuck
When you won't just put up with the bullshit they pull
Cause they full of shit too
When a dude's gettin bullied and shoots up your school
And they blame it on Marilyn - and the heroin
Where were the parents at?
And look at where it's at middle America
Now it's a tragedy
Now it's so sad to see
An upper class city having this happening
Then attack Eminem cause I rap this way
But I'm glad cause they feed me the fuel
That I need for the fire to burn and it's burnin' and I have
returned

And I am
Whatever you say I am
If I wasn't, then why would I say I am?
In the papers, the news, everyday I am
Radio won't even play my jam

Cause I am
Whatever you say I am
If I wasn't, then why would I say I am?
In the papers, the news, everyday I am
I don't know it's just the way I am

I'm so sick and tired of being admired
That I wish that I would just die or get fired
And drop from my label and stop with the fables
I'm not gonna be able to top what my name is
And pigeon holdin' to some poppy sensations
They cop me rotation at Rock 'N' Roll stations
And I just do not have the patience
To deal with this cocky Caucasians
Who think I'm some wigga who just tries to be black
Cause I talk with an accent and grab on my balls
So they always keep asking the same fucking questions
What school did I go to?
What hood I grew up in?
The why? The who, what?
When and where and the how?
Till I'm grabbing my hair and I'm tearing it out
You've been driving me crazy, I can't take it
I'm racing, I'm pacing, I stand and I sit
And I'm thankful for every fan that I get
But I can't take a shit in the bathroom
Without someone standing by it
No I won't sign your autograph
You can call me an asshole
I'm glad cause

And I am
Whatever you say I am
If I wasn't, then why would I say I am?
In the papers, the news, everyday I am
Radio won't even play my jam

Cause I am
Whatever you say I am
If I wasn't, then why would I say I am?
In the papers, the news, everyday I am
I don't know it's just the way I am

Who knew

(I never knew I)
(I never knew I)
Mic check, one, two
(I never knew I)
Who would've knew?
(I never knew I)
Who would've known?
(I never knew I)
Who the fuck would've thought?
(I never knew I)
Motherfucker comes out
(I never knew I)
Sells a couple-a million records
(I never knew I)
And these motherfuckers hit the ceiling

I don't do black music, I don't do white music
(Nope)
I make fight music for high school kids
Put lives at risk when I drive like this
I put wives at risk with a knife like this
Shit, you probably think I'm in your tape deck now
I'm in the back seat of your truck with duct tape stretched out
Ducked the fuck way down, waiting to straight jump out
Put it over your mouth, and grab you by the face, what now?
Oh, you want me to watch my mouth? How?
Take my fucking eyeballs out and turn them around?
Look, I'll burn your fuckin' house down, circle around
And hit the hydrants so you can't put your burning furniture out
{Oh my God, oh my God)
I'm sorry there must be a mix-up
You want me to fix-up lyrics while our President gets his dick
sucked?
Fuck that! Take drugs! Rape sluts!
Make fun of gay clubs! Men who wear makeup!
Get aware! Wake up! Get a sense of humor!
Quit tryin' to censor music
This is for your kid's amusement
(The kids!)
But don't blame me when little Eric jumps off of the terrace
You should've been watching him
Apparently you ain't parents

I never knew I
Knew I would get this big
I never knew I'd
Knew I'd affect this kid
I never knew I'd
Get him to slit his wrists
I never knew I'd
Get him to hit this bitch

I never knew I
Knew I would get this big
I never knew I'd
Knew I'd affect this kid
I never knew I'd
Get him to slit his wrists
I never knew I'd
Get him to hit this bitch

So who's bringing the guns in this country?
(Hmm!)
I couldn't sneak a plastic pellet gun through customs over in
London
And last week I seen this Schwarzenegger movie
Where he's shooting all sorts of motherfuckers with an uzi
I see these three little kids up in the front row
Screaming "Go!" with their 17-year old uncle
I'm like guidance?
Ain't they got the same moms and dads?
Who got mad when I asked if they like violence?
And told me that my tape got 'em to swear
What about the makeup
You allowed your twelve-year old daughter to wear?
(Hmm!)
So tell me that your son doesn't know any cuss words
*When this bus driver's screaming at him, fucking him up worse"
(Sit down you little fucking prick)
And fuck was the first word I ever learned
Up in the third grade flipping the gym teacher the bird
(Look!)
So read up 'bout how I used to get beat up
Peed on, be on free lunch, and change schools every three
months
My life's like kinda what my wife's like
(What?)
Fucked up after I beat her fucking ass every night, Ike
So how much easier would life be
If nineteen million motherfuckers grew to be just like me cause

I never knew I
Knew I would get this big
I never knew I'd
Knew I'd affect this kid
I never knew I'd
Get him to slit his wrists
I never knew I'd
Get him to hit this bitch

I never knew I
Knew I would get this big
I never knew I'd
Knew I'd affect this kid
I never knew I'd
Get him to slit his wrists
I never knew I'd
Get him to hit this bitch

I never knew I, knew I
Have a new house or a new car
Couple years ago I was more poorer than you are
I don't got that bad of a mouth do I?
Fuck, shit, ass, bitch, cunt, shoobie-a-doo-wap
(Woops!)
Skee-bee-ba-bee-wop, on Christopher Reeves
Sonny Bono, skis whores and hittin' some trees
(Hey!)
How many retards will listen to me?
And run in the school shooting when they're pissed at the
teacher
Her or him, is it you? Is it him?
Wasn't me, Slim Shady said to do it again
Damn, how much damage can you do with a pen?
Man, I'm just as fucked up as you would've been
If you would've been in my shoes, who would've thought?
Slim Shady would've been something that you would've bought
That would've made you get a gun and shoot at a cop
I just said it I didn't know if you did it or not cause

I never knew I
Knew I would get this big
I never knew I'd
Knew I'd affect this kid
I never knew I'd
Get him to slit his wrists
I never knew I'd
Get him to hit this bitch

I never knew I
Knew I would get this big
I never knew I'd
Knew I'd affect this kid
I never knew I'd
Get him to slit his wrists
I never knew I'd
Get him to hit this bitch

How the fuck was I supposed to know?