collar

The collar is a powerful symbol in the world of BDSM , meaning anything from an adornment that simply signals your interest in BDSM, to a sign that you are the 'submissive' or 'slave' in a long-term full-time relationship, as binding as marriage. 'Owned' Like most everything in BDSM it means different things to each person.
When asked by an online writer friend to describe the collar from a submissive's point of view I wrote these two pieces. Like everything else on this site, this is just my opinion and my experience, and is open to change as I grow and learn. But for anyone who is interested, here's my take on collars....

I was asked today by an online acquaintance: What does a sub feel when receiving a collar?
From what I can tell in reading online submissive’s journals, the feeling likely ranges from extreme joy and contentment, (and an intense sense of sub-space as the collar is closed) to one of excitement combined with fear.
One is promising to OBEY and SUBMIT to this one person for life. This takes a great amount of trust and a strong belief that this is what you want and need despite the fact that society (including friends and family likely) frowns upon it. It can't be easy. People who choose to collar this way are most likely very serious about the rituals and beliefs they have in D/s and I'd think the majority of them wouldn't take it lightly.
In some ways a collar is more than a wedding ring.
Many 24/7 D/s relationships include giving final decisions over the sub's job, finances, personal relationships and even healthcare, etc, to the Dominant. Many subs choose to agree that the Dom's word will be final in these things. Not all, I imagine, but definitely some.
They are trusting that their physical and emotional happiness will be taken into consideration. A Dom may decide that a sub's job is not in the best interest of the sub or of the relationship, and tell the sub to quit or change careers for example. Or that a family member causes too much pain or stress and expect the sub to stop seeing that person.
A collar is not legally binding, and all a sub needs to do is walk away. In fact, the collar can be discarded by either party at a moment's notice.

BUT...in a D/s relationship the base belief that makes the relationship work is that the Dom is doing what is right for the sub and for the relationship. Even if the sub doesn't understand why the Dom is demanding something, they are supposed to obey in trust. And so how quickly would a sub abandon that collar? If the need is there for a D/s relationship then the need is there in some degree to be told what to do, to rely on someone you believe is wiser and stronger than you.
In some ways the collar makes it even easier for a relationship to become abusive and neither party may recognize it at first. D/s LOOKS at times like abuse. Intent and consentuality are almost all that divides BDSM from abuse, in fact. The collared sub may be punished mentally and/or physically, (although one would hope not emotionally!) as agreed upon, and is expected to give up control of many aspects of their life.
Imagine a friend saying: "I can't stay and have coffee, I’m not allowed out after 10 on a work night. If I'm late my mate will beat me with a cane and make me sleep tied to the bed again."
You’re going to consider that abuse.
In a D/s relationship this behaviour could be the Dom ensuring that the sub gets home early enough to have some necessary together-time and a good night sleep, perhaps. Both parties agreed, by earlier negotiations and by snapping on that collar, that this is the appropriate behaviour in their relationship.

Or it could be that the Dominant, under the stress of being responsible for so many decisions, has lost sight of things and is simply excercising power. He is, god forbid, only human, and prey to such things as jealousy and insecurity.
The submissive has to trust herself that she chose the right man for the job. And that he cares enough and knows her well enough to make these decisions and to control her with the right levels of ‘punishment’ and ‘reward’. Fair but firm. Strong but loving. And with the best of intentions.
So, mix the usual pre-wedding nerves with all these fears.
Do I want this man telling me what to do?
Do I want this man punishing me?
Do I want to have to obey even when I am not sure why I am being told to kneel and kiss his feet when all I did was forget to buy laundry detergent? CAN I???
If I fail, will he still love me? If he makes a mistake can I continue to trust him?
What if I don't want to do this anymore? Could we stay together without the collar?
How can we do this without our friends and family knowing, or if they know, without their support?

In many ways a sub is asking her Dom to be more than human. And she is asking herself to give up some of the things society tells her she should want. Independance, and a relationship built on equality. For both Dom and sub this is very frightening, I imagine.
A very longwinded reply, I know, but I’m a writer, I rarely restrict myself to a sentence or two. After all, this all makes me think, too, and if I am indeed at the beginning of a relationship that could someday lead to this if both of us want it, it's something I need to think about.
Right now, I can't even say that 24/7 is the same as having a long term relationship that includes D/s. I'm not sure it is. I can't even be sure a collar (in this sense of the word) is something that I want.
But it sure gives me something to think about.