by: VanessaSky
disclaimer: Joss Whedon, lucky bastard
distribution: Want, Take, let me know you Have
paring: b/a
rating: r
summary: It's Been Awhile for Angel.
spoilers: well, just Buffy dying. But in this story they couldn't bring her back.
lyrics: It's Been Awhile by Staind lyrics in bold
feedback: I need it like candy, and we all know what that does. *G Please let me know what you think!!
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It's been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high
And it's been awhile since I first saw you
It's been awhile indeed. I remember how beautiful she looked, just as the sun hit her hair as she walked down those steps. She looked so innocent, vulnerable. Helpless. She looked like everything I'd ever wanted in my entire life and unlife. I never wanted anything as badly as I wanted her.
And it's been awhile since I could stand on my own two feet again
And it's been awhile since I could call you
So sitting here isn't doing me any good. Brooding isn't the ticket to sanity either. But I'm still sitting here. Brooding. It's been 6 years. Haven't seen her haven't held her, haven't kissed her full pink lips. Six years, and somewhere in-between there, I feel as though I did go insane.
But everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered I've stretched myself beyond my means
In my old age, I am getting up there you know, I sometimes forget she's gone. I sometimes need to be reminded that I live in a world without her. I wasn't there. It's my fault again as usual. I wake up screaming her name. Or worse I wake up sober screaming her name. I hate this fucked up mortal plane. Only reason I really stayed on it was for her. She's gone.
It's been awhile
Since I could say that I wasn't addicted
And it's been awhile since I could say I love myself as well
So when I found out, and things didn't get better, I picked up some old habits. Whiskey is still made the same way it was made all those years ago. I haven't had a drink it seems in at least 150 years. But I started up full force. I don't know my own name half the time I sit here. Doesn't stop me from sitting here though.
And it's been awhile since I've gone and fucked things up just like I always do
And it's been awhile but all that shit seems it disappear when I'm with you
But I've been trying to stay on the path of redemption. If not for her for the other people who stay constant in my life. I don't talk really anymore. Cordelia and I have an understanding. She brings blood every time she thinks I need it. Let's me know when she has a vision. Doesn't bother me if Gunn and Wes can handle it.
Oh and she keeps the whiskey coming.
But in my dreams I don't need the whiskey. Because in my dreams she's there. She holds me, and kisses me, and doesn't let me think about the shit my life has become since she left. When I'm with her there is nothing but her. I try not to sleep anymore.
Waking up to an empty bed and only her memory are starting to wear on me.
Why must I feel this way?
Just make this go away
Just one more peaceful day
I beg her sometimes. I beg her to kill me. I beg her to come back. I beg her to make me believe something different from this life without her. I beg her to take me back in time to when I was still in Sunnydale, before the curse, and we where happy. When she was happy.
It's been awhile
Since I could look at myself straight
And it's been awhile since I said I'm sorry
I'm tired of being in this place without her. I know now the true price I paid for leaving her. Her death. I left her so she could die when I always told her I would never leave her. It's what's killed her. Do you think she died with a broken heart? Do you think she thought I didn't love her anymore?
And it's been awhile since I've seen the way the candle lights your face
And it's been awhile but I can still remember just the way you taste
The day no one remembers hurts the most on the days I'm sober. Which are few and far between but those days are what keep driving me to drink. The way the candles danced across her flesh while we made love for hours on end.
That was 7 almost 8 years ago.
But in my dreams, she reminds me. Her taste, her smell, her blood. She reminds me of what I no longer have. I can still feel her around me when she came that last time. I can smell her arousal in the air. On those nights I want to greet the dawn.
And it's been awhile since I could hold my head up high
And it's been awhile since I said I'm sorry
So I'm still sitting here. And I'm still drinking this existence away. There is no point to it now that she's gone. She comes to me you know. When I'm just a little too far gone, she comes to me, and she sings to me. She has the most beautiful voice. She sings me to sleep sometimes. She asks me how longs it's been.
Awhile I tell her. It's been awhile.
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