by: VanessaSky
disclaimer: Joss Whedon lucky bastard
distribution: Want, Take, let me know you Have
paring: b/a
rating: r
spoilers: BtVS S3 end Grad Day part 2, but really just Angel leaving.
summary: Angel's packing. And thinking too much.
an: this comes right in the middle of writing part 4 of What It Was Before, and the 144 episode Challenge for which I'm doing Hush. *G
an: OK in case you where wondering Angel is fighting with himself. His heart is in regular and his head is in bold. I'm strange I know.
feedback: You know I can't live without it. Please let me know what you think.
Angel's Mind
Heart Head
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I love her. Maybe this is a bad idea. No, don't think that. But I can't help but know this is a bad idea.
Stop thinking that. Maybe I should stop packing. Boy, your on a roll. What is with the bad idea's? We've been over this a dozen times. Your doing what's best for her.
Then why do I feel like shit? How the hell should I know. Oh, silly me let me remind you. Buffy, love of life, soul mate, woman your telling me to leave is in the next room sobbing her heart out onto your couch. Do you know why?
No, I don't, but for some strange reason I know your going to tell me. Because she thinks I am already gone. She thinks I've already left her, and she thinks no one is here, and she thinks I don't love her anymore. Maybe I should go tell her I do.
What are you fucking crazy? I'm still sitting here having a conversation with you aren't I? Not the point. Then what is the point?
You need to start packing again. What did I tell you about stopping the packing process? Please start packing again.
I should say something, go in there. Do something. I can't hurt her like this. I can't leave. Yes, you can. And as soon as you start packing again we can.
Can what? Leave stupid, have you not been paying attention. You and her not a compatible situation. You are leaving to further better her life.
And because I'm forgetting why am I leaving again? Jesus, do you want the list? Yes, I do. OK let's see, example a your soul. Example b your soul, and example's c -- z your damn SOUL./
Not a very good list. Will you stop with this thinking thing you know your not very good at, and begin packing again.
I don't want to leave her. I don't want her to have some normal guy who might fuck up her life worse than I could. I want her life to have me in it. I want to be there for her like nobody else can.
I want to prove everybody wrong. I want to make us work.
I want her to forgive me. Yeah well you can't always get what you want. Mick Jagger 1968.
Why am I still talking to you? You are talking to me because I am the voice of reason. No, you are the voice that is currently pissing me off. I always piss you off. Remember that time in the 50's, I told you that Hotel was trouble. And that time when..
God, shut up. I am not listening to you any more. I am going into that room, and begging her for forgiveness. No, your not. Have you learned anything in over 200 years. What your going to do is begin packing again.
I need her. You don't. She need's me. She doesn't. I don't want her to cry like that anymore. Then hurry up with the packing. I love her. Well, I won't argue there. And she loves me. I haven't been able to figure out why though.
And I'm staying for that one simple reason. Here we go again. Didn't I already tell you this was a bad idea? Yes, but remember I'm not listening to you. When have you ever? This won't work.
Yes, it will. You'll mess up. Don't forget your soul. Or the other bullshit you told her. Sunlight, kids. She'll want you to leave when she learns to want that.
That will be then. I'll leave then, on her terms. I'll leave when she's ready for me to not be around.
Your insane. This will never work.
"Buffy, Buffy I'm so sorry. I can't leave."
"An-Angel. Your still here, god please don't go. I'll do anything."
Angel smiled. "Tell me you love me." Through her tears she tried to smile. "I love you."
"I love you too." They embraced tightly for what seemed like forever.
A little compliance is all I asked for. All you had to do was pack. Idiot. Ah what the hell, this aint so bad.
This is the last time I'm going to say this. SHUT UP.
Hey, hey, hey. I do not appreciate that tone.
Whatever. Be quite. Stop talking to me. Leave me alone.
One of these days. I promise one of these days....
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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