CHAPTER FOUR
She was going crazy, of that she was certain. Deanna Troi sat before her like a woman in judgment, a still-life, a rag doll marionette that moved this way and that way as the strings controlling her arms were manipulated. Kathryn was seeing with difficulty, realising that it was the way the tears pricked her eyes that created the film, the curtain of rain preventing her from making out anything clearly.
Crazy. Sick. Her head was spinning and it was spinning inside a vortex that pulled her in the opposite direction. Her stomach churned, making her clutch her belly as she viciously twisted the ring so that her fingers hurt. She liked the pain suddenly; she could feel something, anything…
Deanna Troi's mouth moved. It looked ridiculous, the soundless miming of mouth and facial muscles. Was Deanna grinning too? Kathryn wondered.
Something was wrong with her. Her body was not hers; her mind was suddenly, inexplicably doing things against her will.
Like confessing.
She had to fight it. No one should know. She had clung to the truth for weeks.
Of course she was lying.
How could she not lie about something that had changed her life forever? How could she tell anyone, any living creature in the universe? How could she articulate feelings, emotions, her ordeal so deeply embedded that no human on Earth should know what lay hidden in her depths?
But something was happening. She felt herself give a cry of 'no, no, no…', felt herself clutching her stomach, in covert protection of something unfathomable, felt herself rocking, rocking, rocking…
Was she crying or ceaselessly spilling words of immense burden and searing heat? Where did the words go? To the rag doll marionette whose figure remained a passive blur in front of her? What was happening to her? Were her demons surfacing, forcing her to confess, grinning with malevolent intent at her? She saw them, the demons - grotesque, bizarre entities, misshapen, small and large - dancing before her, taunting, gesturing with gnarled fingers. 'No…no…no…' the words kept coming from her while she rocked to and fro.
She had no friends. She had seen Chakotay die…die…die… burning on the altar of sacrifice.
"We were so happy," she stuttered hoarsely. "Happy, you understand? Happy!"
"Tell me what happened," the smooth voice of the counsellor penetrated the fog of her brain.
Then she slipped to that time, that day, that hour and the terror of it after that…
They were so happy. They stood at the base of the altar, with its steps leading to the top where the sacrificial circle was located with its rectangular rock table. From the air they'd seen it and she'd pointed to it, saying "There, that should be the place…"
He'd been more cautious. "It looks like a shrine, Kathryn, a holy of holy places."
"Does it seem as if there's anyone there?"
"No, we can investigate and satisfy your perennial curiosity," he replied, smiling as they touched down not a hundred metres from the site.
There was no one near the place. It looked deserted, but the circular floor on top was adorned with intricate patterns, much like ancient Greece, or Old India. They virtually ran to the pyramid-like structure.
"Up there, Chakotay!" she told him breathlessly and pointed to the top of the altar. "There, you can ask me there!"
"Don't worry, my beloved, I shall go on my knees for you."
They laughed together. He held her close to him and gazed deeply into her eyes.
"I love you, Kathryn Janeway of the Federation Starship Voyager. You cannot know my longing for you these past seven years. I've hungered, thirsted, but now I know you will be my cool brook forever…"
"Why, that is beautiful," she whispered as she looked up at him. "I love you, Chakotay, Maquis rebel, Gentle Warrior, gentleman…I love you. I don't know how I could have made you wait so long. It seems this feeling has been with me since the beginning of time. A greater Power decided you should be my life mate."
They'd kissed again before she broke contact and stood away from him.
Then she ran up the steps ahead of him. She didn't want to wait. She wanted to stand right by the centrepiece and watch him ascend the stairs and then go on his knees. He called after her, sounding winded. Once at the top and standing on the hallowed circle with its intricate mosaics, she turned, a strange, butterfly-like shiver going through her. It's beautiful…so very beautiful… were her whispered words.
Chakotay was still at the bottom before he too, dashed up after her. Halfway there he stumbled suddenly and fell heavily. She heard a crack, an alarming sound, then heard him give a cry of pain. Before she could reach him again, he rolled three or four steps down.
"Chakotay!"
"I think I just broke my leg," he gasped, surprised that he injured himself.
"We'd better get back to the shuttle," she suggested, then struggled as she supported him down to return to the New Sacagawea. Beads of perspiration lined his forehead as he sagged onto the bunk. Inside one of the cabinets she removed the emergency med-kit.
"I'll do it myself, Kathryn," he said as he took the bone regenerator and proceeded to treat his left leg. Moments later he breathed a sigh of relief. "That's much better," he said.
"We'll return to Voyager, Chakotay. I think the Doctor needs to take a look at it."
"It's not necessary, but I love that you're so concerned, Kathryn."
"Fine. I'll drive," she said, smiling as she took the conn and proceeded with the start-up sequence. Minutes later they were airborne and on their way to Voyager.
They could always design a holographic setting where he could go on his knees for her…
A voice from the depths asked, "So Chakotay was not the one who violated the Law of Xerxes?"
"He was not the one," her crazed-induced mind responded. Did her words slur? she wondered. Did her palms bleed as she looked at them and then hid them once more against her belly?
She visited that terror-filled day, the day of the great argument, the day of the great passion. Chakotay stood resolute in her quarters, just like so many times before when he'd accused her of wanting to make sacrifices when they were not necessary, or wanting the accolade more than the deed. He was not fuming this time, just…resolute.
"You can't go, Kathryn. I will not let that happen, despite what we told the senior officers. You cannot go!"
"I have to, don't you see? I was the one who got us into this mess. I actually felt a shiver go through me as if I'd tripped something. It was me. No one else. I am to blame. I must take the blame - "
"What, and die for it? Voyager needs its captain, Kathryn! You're not going. I'll go in your place."
"Who's grandstanding now?" she asked bitterly.
"Kathryn," he said as he gripped her shoulders, "listen to me, will you? I can go. I must go. Voyager doesn't need me - "
She broke free.
"Doesn't need you? Are you out of your mind? That is preposterous!"
"No, it's not. Think about it. I am expendable. This ship can go anywhere without me as first officer. I am not indispensable. I don't have a critical function on this ship, Kathryn’. I'm not an engineer like B'Elanna, Tom Paris and Hamilton are both better pilots, and Seven of Nine… Spirits! That woman is one walking science station. You have all the security you need. This ship can do without me. It's easy to appoint Tuvok first officer. Even Paris for that matter. Just let me go. This ship is already crippled and they'll damage it further if we don't make a decision now."
"Goddammit, Chakotay! You want to go in my place? You want to die for me?"
"Yes! What is so wrong about that? This ship will be saved and its captain out of harm's way to take her home. Take Voyager home, Kathryn. They need to see Voyager on her final stretch with her captain commanding her. I must go…"
He spoke with impassioned pride, as if dying was just another honour in the fabric of his life. There was once again that gleam in his eyes of heroic intensity she'd seen that first day when he rammed the Liberty into the Kazon vessel. But she would have none of it. After hours of intense debate, he relented finally, if only because she suggested they spend their last night together as a couple.
None of the crew knew she was the one who had violated the Holy Law of Xerxes. Not one of them. As far as they knew, Chakotay was the one. They thought she would go down and pay the penalty, the ultimate sacrifice in his place. They were in a no win situation in which the only way out was for one of them to admit to guilt. If she did it, they knew, it was because she was the captain and it was her prerogative to make such a grand sacrifice. They were sad, a sadness tinged with extraordinary exultation that Xerxes would not renege on fulfilling its end of the bargain.
So Chakotay made love to her that night. She would not know that on one of the occasions when he got up to go the bathroom while she was bleary with tiredness and the exertion of their lovemaking, he'd ordered a drug from the replicator. She would not know that he'd transported to his own quarters sometime during the night to collect a few of his most precious possessions, one of them the ring with which she woke up in the morning. They'd tumbled together in bed, rejoiced in the way their bodies understood the language of separation, of joining, of sanctity.
She'd fallen asleep, hardly aware of the hypospray Chakotay pressed into her neck.
Kathryn had woken up to find him gone. She noticed the ornate ring on her finger and frowned.
"Computer, locate Commander Chakotay."
"Commander Chakotay is not on Voyager - "
"No! No!" she screamed as realisation dawned at what he'd done. She dressed with frenzied haste and made her way to the bridge.
"Captain," Tom Paris began, "Commander Chakotay is down - "
"I know. Visual!"
"Captain Janeway…Captain Janeway!"
It was the voice of Deanna Troi. What was happening? Her clouded brain cleared for a few seconds. Kathryn found herself out of her chair, her hands flailing as they struck the counsellor. Moments later her hands were imprisoned as Deanna caught them in hers. Troi pushed her gently back into her chair.
What had she done? What?
She sobbed dryly a few moments before bringing her extreme shuddering under control. Haltingly came the next images.
They all watched as twelve priests dressed in long, flowing gowns stood on the mosaics of the hallowed circle. Chakotay lay on the centre altar, the fire spreading around him. In those moments only she realised that it was not really a prayer centre but an altar for sacrifice, overseen by priests.
Chakotay lay, eyes closed. Had they stunned him before they set him alight?
"Oh, God…no…"
Someone was pulling her back. Seven of Nine? Seven stood facing her, blocking her view of the burning first officer. She tried to push Seven out of the way but the former Borg stood firm.
Suddenly, the face of Oberon Suhl filled the screen. With superhuman strength, Kathryn pushed Seven of Nine out of the way.
"Our ships will escort you to the wormhole," declared Oberon with a smirk on his face. "We have already done the necessary configurations and computed the co-ordinates supplied by your navigation officer."
She hadn't realised that the ship's engines were already running, that Voyager was already moving towards the space fracture where the new wormhole was located.
Did she scream?
She couldn't remember. She remembered only that they were moving, further and further away from the burning body of Voyager's first officer. When they reached the wormhole, the six battle cruisers as well as the three cruisers guarding the wormhole dipped their wings. After that, all hell broke loose as Voyager plunged through the wormhole that would bring her into the Alpha Quadrant, ironically near Deep Space Nine.
Her body shuddered.
They were home.
She could not grieve. There was no time to feel sorrow or joy. B'Elanna had given birth in that time. It was mayhem everywhere, chaos that had to be brought to order. So Kathryn got to her feet, stood with her hands on her hips and began barking orders. Most times during the three weeks they travelled to Earth, her mind was filled not with the good memories of Chakotay but speared by images of his burning body.
She couldn't tell anyone. The truth stuck through her like a sharp blade.
Kathryn had returned to her quarters twenty four hours after their journey through the wormhole and only then noticed the small package he left there. It contained the letter.
"A letter?" asked Deanna Troi.
"Chakotay's last words to me," she replied.
"He died a hero, Captain Janeway."
"He died for a crime I committed. He went in my place, He…"
"You said three days ago that you didn't know the depth of the man…"
"The price he was prepared to pay for me…to save me, to save Voyager, to save her crew. He did that…"
"Aye, Captain Janeway, Commander Chakotay did that…"
"In his letter…in his letter he - he said…"
She'd read his letter in the privacy of her quarters. She could not cry. Those tears were gone, dried up during their night of passion. She'd taken the letter and opened it, to see through a fresh blur of tears his flowing handwriting.
My dearest, beloved Kathryn…
When you read this letter, Voyager will be free and safe. It seems that all my life I have fought for a worthy cause. When my homeworld was destroyed, I fought for the freedom of all oppressed, in the name of freedom, in the name of what I believed good and worthy and honourable. Always, there has been something worth fighting for, and none more so than fighting for you, beloved.
I could not let you go even as I agreed to your demand, for I knew that from the first moment I laid eyes on you, I would die for you. Forgive me that I left in the manner that I did, but a love such as I have for you is only complete if I can be worthy of you. You are a great leader, and now you will have the chance to take Voyager home as its leader, as its commander.
I welcome this coming death as I have welcomed being alive, my love, for you must live and lead. I have placed a ring on your finger. The symbol is the hunab ku symbol. It is said that the ancient Mayans called it the gateway to other galaxies. I think it represents the Milky Way and Kathryn, when you look at the symbol, you will be transcended, for looking upon it will transcend perception and time and space, and hopefully, you will be filled with the knowledge that through this ring, this symbol, I will live forever.
Farewell, my beloved.
Chakotay
She committed to memory every word, every nuance, for through it he breathed. Just as she now related the contents of the letter to Counsellor Deanna Troi.
She was tired…so tired. Troi's face moved away, dissipating into the distance. Kathryn closed her eyes and knew no more.
*
Deanna Troi was exhausted and emotionally drained after the marathon session with Captain Janeway. She had to talk to Will soon, else she would go mad. The tiredness seeped into her pores. At one point she thought, looking at Janeway, that the Voyager captain perspired droplets of blood.
I feel as though I've been in a twelve round boxing match with an enraged Klingon. Deanna ordered a cup of hot chocolate and sipped it with great satisfaction, glad when the drink revived her a little. Janeway herself was on the point of collapse in those first minutes after reciting the contents of Chakotay's letter. She'd made the captain more comfortable, glad to note how Janeway was beginning to fall asleep. Deanna remembered the captain telling her that she had not slept the previous night. Now, the catharsis, the purging of those deeply embedded secrets, the sorrow, the unending pain resulting from guilt and longing had left Janeway depleted, but most importantly, Deanna sensed, free from the imprisoning bonds of secrecy. Janeway she knew, would now face her demons head-on, she would have harmony. The sense of loss would still be there, but now she could mourn openly.
Deanna had thought it wise to call a doctor. Now she stood watching as Voyager's EMH concluded his examination of her patient. He'd given Kathryn Janeway a mild sedative. She lay sleeping peacefully in the same chair which Deanna had earlier reclined. A soft blanket covered the captain. Her face looked serene now, a far cry from the ravaged appearance brought on by her astonishing tale. Deanna had been right in that Captain Janeway carried so much guilt inside her that rest was impossible.
"What she needs now is complete rest, Counsellor," the doctor said as if he'd just read her mind. "I understand you have informed her mother and stepfather to collect her?"
"That is correct, Doctor. Her stepfather is Admiral Ponsonby. He heads the new Strategic Division. He is waiting for Mrs Janeway before they make their way here.
Deanna knelt next the the recliner where she brushed a hair from the sleeping captain's face. The doctor snapped his tricorder shut and then cleared his throat.
"Is there anything more, Doctor?"
"I believe Captain Janeway may not be so lonely after all, Counsellor."
Deanna frowned before light dawned on her. Did Captain Janeway know? she wondered.
"I don't think she knows. The way she has curled into the foetal position was just warding off the extreme distress of losing the commander, of handling her pain."
"A child…" Deanna whispered softly, her eyes suddenly stinging. "A child who will be the living memory of Commander Chakotay."
"Aye. A boy. Captain Janeway was placed in an untenable position which Commander Chakotay resolved. He is a true hero, Counsellor, a true hero."
When the doctor left, Deanna still remained by Captain Janeway's side, studying her for long moments and pondering on the events of the past few days.
Captain Janeway was ready to begin the grieving process now. She'd talk about it to her parents and sister and one day, she would tell her son what a magnificent man his father was.
************
END CHAPTER FOUR
EPILOGUE
ON THE PLANET XERXES
Chakotay stood on a mosaic, flanked by eleven priests of the Thessalonian High Order, each standing on a smaller mosaic of the terracotta floor, around the main altar. All the priests were magnificent in their flowing gowns and headgear. It was difficult to imagine that only weeks before, their sole duty was to oversee and participate in a sacrificial ritual in which an unsuspecting intruder had to burn to death. In that way they not only fed their hidden lust for blood, but revered a god who, they said, desired that they worship him in that way. But rules could change, he thought. Captain James T. Kirk had found himself many times in similar situations and left a homeworld to ponder on new things, a change in their way of life.
Chakotay wanted to think that his sacrifice did the same for the people of Xerxes.
In front of the high altar, facing him, was the Chief Legate of Xerxes, and next to Oberon Suhl, the First Ambassador to Xerxes from the Xeroman Congress of Planets, Imoraine Calma.
They were here to wish him well on his journey to the Alpha Quadrant. He would be escorted by the same battle cruisers that escorted Voyager to the space fracture.
At the bottom of the shrine stood as many people as could surround the entire Basilica of Thessaly to see him off.
A warm feeling of pride burned through his body as he looked at the priests, at Oberon Suhl and Imoraine Calma. It had been a spiritual journey from the moment they had woken him on the stone tablet and he'd seen the flames surrounding him. He had not been afraid.
The flames surrounded him.
He did not burn.
They waited almost an hour, they told him, for the flames to sear his body. It did not happen.
The first thing Oberon Suhl said was, "In whose place, Chakotay of Voyager, have you come to bring the highest offer?"
He had been confused for a few moments, then surprised at the flames that licked his body, although he felt no pain. He frowned, then felt himself lifted off the tablet. The flames stopped instantly the moment he stood free from the main altar.
"In whose name, Chakotay of Voyager, have you come to bring the highest offer?" the question was repeated.
"In the name of my captain, Kathryn Janeway of the Federation Starship Voyager."
"Chakotay of Voyager," continued Oberon Suhl, mirroring the total awe and mystification that he saw in the faces of the priests, "a miracle has occurred here."
"I do not understand, Oberon Suhl."
"The flames will only eat at the flesh of the guilty one. You have no guilt, you have not transgressed. Only the one truly guilty of the offence would burn here."
"I did not know that, Oberon Suhl."
He had only sensed it…
"What is your relationship with the Captain of Voyager that you would do this in her name?"
"She is my everlasting friend."
"You would die for her?"
"Yes. Yes, I would die for her. To save her life, I would die in her place. I love her."
"Commander Chakotay, we have never in a thousand years seen what we have seen here today. A man who would willingly give his life for another. It is…unique in our culture. Unique and…admirable."
Oberon Suhl had sounded deeply affected, a far cry from the man who had sneered at them while they were standing on the bridge of Voyager, trying to negotiate a deal. Now Suhl looked close to tears.
"I am most profoundly touched, Chakotay of Voyager, by your trust and loyalty for your captain. You are a noble warrior of warriors."
He'd realised that the basic elements that defined friendship, love, devotion in the culture of most races were things not experienced by the people of Xerxes. He felt honoured that his example could become the foundation stone for a new direction of thinking. They'd asked him many questions and he'd patiently told them stories of great races of the Alpha Quadrant, of Earth with its stories of Great Warriors, of his own people and their sky spirits and how he was guided by his spirits.
Now, a month after the event, the shrine was to be used to sanctify marriages. Never would another vessel or crew be lured to the shrine to inadvertently violate the dictates of Xerxes, for they would now be welcomed. His near death had paved the way for progress.
He was ready to leave and see Kathryn again.
And Xerxes had left no stone unturned for his return to Earth. A hundred metres away stood a replica of the Delta Flyer. The Xerxians had built the shuttle using Tom Paris's specifications. He had been right that very first time he'd told Kathryn that the Xerxians had scanned Voyager. Scanned and downloaded information relating to her defence systems, weapons, shuttle technology. It was why Voyager could not adequately defend herself against six battle cruisers. In turn, they'd downloaded the Xerxian database pertaining to her cultural history and technical information.
His eyes pricked with tears, when he thought about Kathryn, their last night together, the ring he'd put on her finger to remember him, the letter he'd written. He couldn't let her die. She had been right when they had their first conversation in the early days on Voyager about freedom and sacrifice.
"The nature of sacrifice is such that it goes far deeper than the tangible. It is a conscious surrender of the self for the sake of love, loyalty, personal belief and affiliation, but mostly, for the sake of love."
When he was ready to board the New Delta Flyer, Chakotay of Voyager, resplendent in his uniform, stood before Oberon Suhl. Suhl raised his hand in greeting.
"I shall never forget you, Chakotay of Voyager."
"Thank you, Oberon Suhl. The Spirits be with you all."
Chakotay saluted in the old earth ancient naval salute, then turned and boarded the New Delta Flyer, to go home, home to Kathryn.
************
END
Information about the hunab ku from this web site:
http://www.luckyfishart.com/hunabku.html