Big weekend
posted by borgol on 2005-10-01 11:32:10
I'm spending the weekend at a friends house in Jerusalem - the holy city. I've never really liked it, but after another visit I sure do begin to see what so many people see in it. We got wasted last night, and made fools of ourselves, not that I care too much, I'm a stranger here :) I've been thinking about alot of things since I came here, so I reckon there will be following posts to this post. Plus, like good two girls we've been chatting alot about the important stuff - and I've certainly learnt alot - bpit how people see me from the outside, how I see others and some other big questions that I refrained fromtouching until latley. So trust me when I say that there are quite big posts afoot, honest!
Tomorrow I'll go back to my base and will be told what course I'll be opening, with whom and when. Hope to recieve good news.
Begining real life
posted by borgol on 2005-09-29 18:00:35
That - is that. Ladies and gentlemen. After 9 months of hard work, and 3 months of even harder work I have finally reached my goal - I've finally got my guiding lace - a black amazing lace which indicates what I have accomplished, what I have learned and what I have overcame. I am extrmely proud.
In a small, yet very warm ceremony the eight of us were given our laces. Most of the people from the group we are joining were there, with posters of welcome and candies to throw at us [They were stone hard and they are all have a very good aim! It was painful :P] And I still can't really believe that the date I've been waiting for - for all that time has passed.
On sunday I will discover what course I'm going to open, and when. And I'm excited. I'm thrilled. And I am also a bit sad, because. Well, I had the time of my life these past 3 months. I've learned and developed so much! And my guides are going to be released soon and I really really admire them. I wish I had more time to spend with them, they are so cool.
It's weird though, how such a big change for me, means nothing to other people. It's a bit sad, but I reckon - thats how the world is, right?
Confidence
posted by borgol on 2005-09-09 19:43:32
Wow. I have loads to write about. I just hope that nothing escapes my mind when I finally sit down to write it all down.
Like I said countless times before, the army had changed me, in many many aspects. But I don't think I ever managed to explain how exactly had I changed. So let me attempt once more - We'll begin in the begining, I believe. First of all, I've grew much much softer. Things I wouldn't have done before, things that would have embaressed me no longer emberass me. I take more notice to myself, and to my apperance. My sense of humor tunred more.. cheeky. More crude. More adult themed, maybe.
But all of these changes are secondary. Not as important, since they are only symptoms of a greater change, but of one that is somewhat problematic. I'll explain why, in a moment.
I think that the army and that people in the army gave me more confidence in myself. But sadly, that confidence is also displayed in being cocky and being... 'full of myself'. Something that I had always hated about myself, and hence always tried to root out. That is why I have some self confidence problems, because many times I simply refused to feel confident, because i knew where that would lead me. Now , though I stand in a crossroad. Why, you ask. Because for the first time in my life I understand that I have got to change something dramtic in the way I see myself and in the way I see my life. I cannot push myself down, and force myself to be modest. Because I need to be confident of myself. Why? Woha. Thats a whole other story - but lets begin.
In my course we are exactly 8 folks. Yes. 8. A small close group that constantly stays in eachothers arses. Some weeks ago, we had this encountar with a psychologist, who instrcuted to do the following thing - each person chooses 3 other people from the group that will choose 2 good things and 2 bad things about him or her. It's a difficult thing, yet it really brought us all much more togther.
I recieved mainly two good things - first was that I am reliable, that I get things done and that I am over all responsible. The second one, which suprised me quite abit, was that I apperntly have a rather rare [their own words, not mine] ability to change dramtically. I never really thought about it as a rare ability. It gave me a lot to think about, but thats not what I meant to speak about. My two bad qualities were, well, 3 - me being too nervous about things, me being a horrible arguer, apperntly [wonder where THAT came from... *innocent whilste*] and my inability to have faith in myself, and in my abilities.
That last thing really came up quite a lot, and from different people. Which made me understand that I must deal with this, for the next year and 3 months that I'll be standing in front of doctors that know so much more than I do - and will act as their supervisor, and for my future life, in general, apperntly.
Now what do you do when you need to change in such a way that it stands against a lot of what you believe is a good personality? How do you change your whole set of beliefs? How do you do that without ruining the person you are now, the person you are quite happy with?...
I'm really not that sure. I'd love to hear what you guys think.
:(
posted by borgol on 2005-07-29 18:57:41
Apperntly not many people ever read Eech! Anymore. That is quite acceptable. My life were never too intersting, let alone my silly thoughts. And now with all these army talk that [most] of you don't really connect to, it only makes sense that nobody will continute to check up on me. But I have to admit that it still makes me a bit sad :(
I planned to write furthermore, but the muse has left me. I shall save this for tomorrow, as my one of my breaks for studying.
Not that anybody cares.
*sob & sniff*