Confessions
Copyright 2002
Heh, I guess I have a lot of those don't I? Who would've thought confessing could be so hard. It's something I really had to teach myself to do, especially over the last few months. Let me introduce myself.
S'up? The name's Alex McLean, but you can call me AJ if ya so inclined. Aight look, I ain't gonna through and spout out my life growing up, I don't really have anything to confess about when I was ten or whatever. So I guess I'll pick up from the moment I met the guys. Oh sorry, the guys being the Backstreet Boys. Yeah I'm a member and stuff, and if ya don't know then that's ok. Not gonna explain that either.
First off, you have to understand something bout me, I'm what you'd call a non-conformist. And along with that come...certain responsibilities you could say. Started when I joined the group. God I was, shit I don't remember. I think I was fifteen, don't quote me though, cause I can't remember anything anymore.
Anyway, so I joined the group with Howie Dorough and Nick Carter. I guess you could say everything was normal at the time. We weren't known really then, did a few demos with these other two guys in the group, but they didn't last long and soon it was just us three. To make a long story short, which I have a feeling is too late, Kevin Richardson and his cousin Brian Littrell joined and from then on we became the Backstreet Boys.
Let's see, I can't remember the first time I had a drink or the first time I smoked a cigarette, all I know is it feels like it's been forever. But I think that's where everything started. Most of that time is kind of a blur for me ya know? All I know is, I started drinking more, smoking more and before I knew it, it was early 97. Things with the group were going well. We were becoming famous overseas and in Canada, and were working our way back home.
I wish I could be more organized with everything but really I don't remember the order, Kevin or Brian would be someone good to ask. I'm just tellin' as I remember. So yeah, I think it was 97 and things slowly started to change for me. Crap started becomin' deeper. I was smoking more, drinking more, going out more. I mean, if you weren't with us, you wouldn't have known and it woulda looked liked you're regular nineteen year old going out and screwin' around and I think it was that for a while.
By this time though, the pressure was on. The pressure to be better to be greater and to be in ten fuckin' places at once. Don't get me wrong, I love to travel, and I love our fans of course, but it was becoming more and more intense. Little did I know it'd only get worse. So that's how it went on for the next few months which brings me up to early 98. God what a crapass year. Everything that could go wrong went wrong. Ok, one of our close friends past away, we were really close to him and his death really hit us all hard. One thing that sticks out in my mind, was Brian's surgery.
Everyone knows how hard of a time Kev and Nick had and I think it was just assumed that me and D sorta just dealt with it, but there was more than that to it ya know? I mean, it really makes you question your mortality, makes ya realize that all the money and fame in the world ain't worth shit if you don't have ya health or the people ya love around ya.
That in itself was an ordeal. Brian's a hell of a strong man, don't know if I could deal with something like that ya know what I'm sayin'? Damn. But that's not to say I didn't have my issues.
So anyway, 98 was blur too. Our popularity increased even more and there was no turning back. We were never in one place for too long, we never got to see our families and I continued to drink and smoke and fuck around. Now, there's another thing about me that you should know. I'm known as sort of the, what's the word, the sex addict of the group. I apparently reek of sex. Nick is the sex symbol and I'm the sex addict. Lucky me.
Can I be straight up with you and say that I'm NOT like that, well I never used to be anyway. You get told you're one thing by so many people that you sorta become what they want you to be. I never used to be the kinda guy who screwed many different women, that's really not my style. But after a couple of years, I got known for this. The thrusting I do on stage, the glasses, and the tattoos. People, well fans mostly, started to form an opinion about me. I have this aura of sex, people saw me as this hard core, rough sex lovin' freak and sadly enough, I became that. I became what everyone wanted, and in the end, it ended up being ultimately destructive to my health.
As if that wasn't enough, I decided to become someone else, for a good cause of course. The charity I belong to for Diabetes, well I created an alter-ego, and for some reason, he's a lot like me, a lot like AJ I should say I guess. Alex is different. Anyway, so yeah, just something else that added to the fire. AJ was cool and sensuous with a sort of edge, and Johnny was extremely hard-core and heavy, at least that's what I wanted people to think. This contributed to my problems as well.
So that brings us up to 99, we're touring like crazy, going to all these different places, and it's starting to wear on me. As usual, I'm drinking more and partying harder, I wanna say I was in a different place, where everything was just fun for me, but I don't know if fun is the word to describe it now.
Looking back on it now, I don't know what I was thinking. Trying to get away from my problems, letting the showbiz life consume me, it's fuckin' scary when you start to become another statistic. Who says I have to be like everyone else? So basically that's 99, and 2000 wasn't too bad really. We had some time off and we were working on our next album and started touring at the end of the year. Brian and Kevin both got married to their long time girlfriends. It hit Nick hard the most. I've never seen him so depressed and sad. Even now, two years later, there's still this sadness that wasn't there before. He's so damn stubborn, he won't talk to them about it, thinks he's slick or something.
Ok, now 2001 is the hard year, probably the hardest ever in my life. So yeah, but this time, I'm drinking like crazy, partying and everyone knows I'm just not myself. I stayed out till all hours of the night doing whatever, started getting into some heavy shit ya know. Then towards the middle of the year is where it all sorta fell apart. I'm really really close to my Grandparents, very close. They helped in raising me and I owe so much to them. Well early in the year, my Grandmother died and it hit me hard, real hard. I guess you could say it's the straw that broke the camels back cause after that it just went downhill, not to mention that a few months earlier, I'd broken up with my long time girlfriend. I hit rock bottom and they guys knew it. We were getting ready to start touring again and I was just at my worst. I swear I don't know how it got so bad. I became depressed and angry and bitter. I wasn't giving my all to the group, I didn't care who I hurt, I'd become this empty shell of a person, going no where but down. I knew I needed help.
Yeah, I needed help and I got it. I can't remember what was harder, going up to the guys and asking for help or seeing their faces when I left to the rehab clinic. You know how guys are, macho, men don't cry bullshit. Well that was not the case then. I was crying, they were crying and they told me they were going to tell the fans and I thought, good, please do. If anything, I wanted to be honest. A lot of the media later praised that and I just saw it as the right thing to do. They told me to come back healthy to them and that's what I set out to do.
That, if memory serves me correct, was July 9th of last year. Well it's been just about a year and I'm sober and a lot happier. I still have a long way to go, but I have so much support from family, fans and loved ones that I know I can make it.
Hmmm, ya know, someone gave me a copy of the video of the guys going on TRL to announce me going into rehab, and there's one person that sticks out in my mind the most. Kevin.
Yeah, Kevin was sitting there talking and I've never seen him look so sad, it's on the rare occasion that Kevin ever lets that, that, role he thinks he has break and just be so exposed. The part that gets to me the most, is he's talking and his voice breaks and you can see he's struggling to hold it all together and...sorry, sorry bout that. Ok, I can go on. I owe a lot to him, cause it was him who helped me to see what I'd become. As painful and as hard as it was to hear, it helped me to decide that I needed and wanted, help. I hope he knows how grateful I am to him although I think he blames himself in a way for it, and I can't understand why.
I remember watching that tape and tears coming to my eyes. I'd caused that. To see the four of them sitting there so sad, so vulnerable. The fans out in the audience, crying as well. God, I'd never meant for this to happen, for it go to so far. There's so many people I wish I could apologize to, all the people I've hurt along the way. They'll never know how sorry I am. My mom, who's been my rock, she was hurting. I watched the 20/20 interview she did as well and I've never been prouder of her. I'm so happy to say she's my mom.
Whew, god I didn't realize I had all that in me. Look at me, getting all emotional. But it's a good emotional. My life is back on track; I'm happier, healthier than I've been in a long time. I've got a wonderful woman in my life now and we're getting married next year, the fellas and I are gonna be releasing a new album soon. I don't think it could get any better.
And there ya have it! Ta da! The days and nights of Alex McLean. I can say now that I'm a recovering alcoholic who's one year sober and damn proud of it. I've been through hell and back and I'm still going strong.
These are my confessions.
