I'll Love You More
Copyright 2003
Jade Fields made her way into the nightclub, sighing heavily. She'd been meaning to do this for a while. She'd been promising and promising that she'd come to see one of his shows, but she was always so busy that she never had the time. Now that things were the way they were in her life, she had the time, hell she had a lot of time. Fighting against the crowds, she found an empty seat at one of the tables and sat, waiting.
Reaching into her purse, she shut her cell phone off and set her purse on the floor between her legs, it's not like she was expecting anyone to call her. Shaking her head she stared hard at the table, trying to stop herself from thinking about him, but failed. It seemed he consumed her thoughts all the time here lately, no matter how hard she tried to forget about it, forget about him.
She wasn't sure where they'd gone wrong, but it seemed like suddenly they were drifting apart. It was, as if she were no longer enough, that he had to go elsewhere to be happy. Jade knew he didn't know that she knew, he actually thought she was that stupid. But he'd stopped returning her calls and he'd stopped coming around to see her, it was as if she no longer mattered.
It hurt her to think that he'd no longer be apart of her life that he could so easily walk out of her life and not care. Was it really that easy to just dismiss someone when you suddenly become tired of them? And if it was that easy, why couldn't she do it? Sniffling, she wiped at her eyes and settled deeper into her chair as the lights dimmed and a man came out on stage.
"Thanks for joining us everyone. Next we've got a special guest here to perform for you tonight. Please help me in welcoming back Nick Carter." The man called, clapping.
Jade smiled, clapping enthusiastically. She'd only just met Nick through her boyfriend and they hadn't been friends for very long, but he seemed to be a pretty nice guy although she really didn't know much about him. She knew about his career of course, but nothing too in-depth and he really didn't seem to mind. He never mentioned his job, at least not around her and it surprised her in a way. She'd been expecting him to flaunt his success and his career around, he did neither.
He'd been asking her for the past few weeks to stop by and see him perform at some local clubs and she'd always been so busy with James that she never had the chance. She was sorry now, sorry that she hadn't taken the time to come down sooner, he probably figured that she really didn't care. Shaking her head, she focused her attention to the stage and watched as Nick stood at the mic and waited for the music to start.
Nick scanned the crowd, good size gathering tonight. It varied a lot of the times; certain clubs were more accepting than others. He'd played this club a few times before and always seemed to get a good response. Not that that mattered, it all depended on the people and the mood. He'd had his shares of boo's in the past and avoided it when at all possible. But the nerves were always there, some nights worse than others, but always there nonetheless, after all this time and he still felt like a rookie.
Shifting the mic, he waited as the music cued up and looked out over the audience again, his gaze stopping suddenly. He blinked once, twice. She'd come, he never thought she actually would. He'd been asking her and asking her and she'd been promising that she would, but up until then, she hadn't. To say that he was shocked and surprised would be an understatement. His anxiety shot up about another ten notches, he shifted uncomfortably on the stage.
There she was, sitting at a table waiting for him to start, waiting for HIM to sing. Even through the darkness of the club, he could see the strain in her eyes, the tiredness that always seemed to be there lately. Granted he hadn't known her long, but when they'd first met, he'd been immediately drawn in by the spark in her eyes and fiery personality. It was so refreshing from what he'd been used to, fake and shallow women trying so hard to get his attention, but not Jade. Ok so she was dating his friend so she wasn't trying to get his attention, or he should say she wasn't making sure she got his attention. He'd had that happen one time too many.
But lately that spark had died out, replaced by something else, something sad. It was interesting that she'd picked tonight of all nights to come. He hoped she wouldn't take offense to the song, he hoped she got it's real meaning, the meaning he didn't realize it had until now. Sighing heavily, he closed his eyes and started singing.
Jade sighed, resting her chin in her hand, watching him intently, or trying to. Groaning in frustration, she wiped at her eyes. It seemed like that was all she did lately, cry. She'd never been one for self pity, but she was so depressed over everything with James. Knowing what was going on, what he was doing hurt more than anything she'd experienced before. She'd given so much of herself in the relationship to think someone would take her love, her trust and hurt her like that was beyond reason.
She kept asking herself it was worth it, if he was worth it. She never answered her own question, she was far too nervous to do so; too afraid of what she'd be admitting to. She wasn't ready for that yet. When had everything gone downhill? When had she lost control of the situation, of the relationship? It just didn't make sense and it just seemed to be getting worse and worse.
Nick slowly opened his eyes; reaching up and cradling the mic stand in his hands as he sang, his gaze drifting to her again. She looked so sad, so lonely. It was so strong, so deep that he could actually feel it. He'd been that lonely before, that sad, it seemed a permanent fixture in his life recently. He'd learned to deal with it, everyone had their good and bad days, and he usually did something to take his mind off it. It didn't seem that was working for Jade. Maybe he could be her distraction.
What she did know was that she was tired of it, tired of feeling like this. She wasn't normally like this, she was usually happy, excited. But it'd died out somewhere along the way, draining her of everything she had inside. Relationships weren't supposed to do that, they weren't supposed to make you feel like you weren't good enough. She was too weak to stop it though, far too weak to stand up and demand better, too afraid of being alone.
If she'd let him get closer, maybe he could help her with it, help her to deal with what was going on. He barely knew her and she barely knew him, but it just felt right. How could he tell her though? It's not like he could walk up to her and tell her that she deserved better, and he wanted to make sure that she got it. He wasn't crazy enough to think that it'd work, but he also didn't want to overwhelm her and have her thinking that he wanted her to break up with James. But he did.
He wanted so much for them to breakup, James had been treating her badly for too long. Nick had no big part in her life; he wasn't a close enough friend to tell her straight out, so he'd been reduced to finding another way. He'd thought about it over and over, writing a letter, or leaving a message on her answering machine. He quickly dismissed the ideas and promptly gave up. It really was that simple, the answer right in front of him, or right inside him as the case would be, the whole time.
The song had been perfect. He'd written it one night, just getting all his feelings and thoughts out on paper. It was something he'd taken to doing the past year, found it easier to sort through things when he could look at them written out. Of course his intention was never to have her actually hear the song, she would never see the words on paper and he most definitely would never sing it to her.
That was all going to change tonight though, right now, right this very moment. He'd take the chance, he had no choice. He'd sing the song and maybe she'd understand.
It wasn't always like that with her and James though Nick knew. When they'd first met, he thought they were perfect for each other. She was so like him and James had seemed so happy, happier than Nick had seen him in a long time. Things changed quickly though, James as he normally did, got bored fast. He stopped the small things he used to do for her. Nick remembered a time when James would ask him for help in picking out gifts for her; he'd make them dinner, he'd talk to Nick about their relationship. And he'd had been there when it all stopped abruptly.
That's when everything else had happened. Next came the bars and clubs James dragged him to when his "boredom" got the best of him and he'd decided to have a little fun with someone else. He knew he should've said something to Jade, but he didn't want to get involved and he didn't want to hurt her. He knew she'd find out or simply figure it out on her own and she'd be hurt more, but he just didn't feel it was his place to say anything, and honestly he didn't have any right.
She tried hard to think of how things used to be, how sweet and caring he was. How he'd call just to say hi and just to say he loved her. If she remembered it hard enough, it would be ok; it would be enough for her. That's what she kept telling herself, but it wasn't enough, it never was and it never would be. It was all lies, it was all wrong now. She refused to hang on to something that was no longer there; she couldn't do it anymore, not when it hurt too much.
Nick watched as someone made their way over to Jade, his eyes widening in surprise when he realized it was James. He tried hard to focus on the words to the song, but it was hard as he watched James grab her by the elbow and pull her up out of the chair, leading her through the crowded room out into the next room. They were still visible, but he couldn't hear them.
"James! What are you doing here?" Jade asked after James had led them both into the next room, unaware of the few people standing there.
"I should be asking you the same thing. Did Nick invite you?"
"Yes he did, a few times actually, I only now had the chance to stop by and see him."
"Oh I'm sure."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Jade murmured.
"Oh come on Jade, you'd have to be stupid not to see how he looks at you."
"James I don't know what you're talking about. And this has nothing to do with Nick, why do you all of a sudden care what I do? I've been trying for the last week to get a hold of you. You never return my calls, you never stop by anymore. What's going on?"
"I've been busy." James replied looking away, stuffing his hands into his pockets.
"Too busy doing what James?"
"It doesn't matter, I'm gone for a while and you're here hanging out with my friend, that's fuckin' sick."
"What's sick? I'm not hanging out with him James! I came to see him perform, he's just a friend, I barely know him."
"And that just kills you doesn't it? I'm sure that it just hurts your heart that you don't know him better." He spat.
"Where the hell is this coming from? I didn't do anything wrong, don't try to pin our problems on Nick, he's not the problem."
"And just what is then?"
"You are James! Do you think I'm stupid, that I wouldn't know you're cheating on me?" Jade questioned with more calm than she felt. She would no longer waste her energy on someone who no longer deserved it.
"Oh so it's just me right? I'm the damn problem huh?! You don't know shit do you hear me?! You don't know shit about me, and I'm sick and tired of you pushing yourself on me ok?! I've had enough."
Jade stared at him, shaking her head. " Pushing myself on you? I barely ever see you to push myself on you. Just stop it ok? I can't take anymore of this, I can't take feeling bad for doing nothing wrong, I won't take it anymore."
"Look, this isn't gonna work anymore, we're too different. I can't...deal with you, with this anymore."
She sighed heavily, looking up at him. "You make it seem like such a burden to be with me. James..."
"It's over Jade, I want out. I don't want you anymore, I can't be in a relationship like this."
She closed her eyes, fighting back the tears, she knew this moment would've come sooner or later, but it still hurt. Again he hurt her.
"Look Jade, I'm sorry, maybe you can find someone else who'll be able to put up with you." He reached out, placing his hand on her arm, only to have her yank away.
Nick watched, his eyes widening again when he saw her pull away from James hold. He wished he could hear what they were saying. He could see their faces, James had gone from looking pissed to looking indifferent and Jade, she looked drained and broken. The sudden longing to hold her swept over him quickly, he wanted nothing more than to go to her and do what, he wasn't sure. Closing his eyes, he tried hard to block them out.
"Put up with me? Are you serious? What have I done that's so wrong James? I was there for you, I cared for you, I loved you."
"I don't wanna go into this, I don't wanna argue. I just came by here to tell you."
"So you're gonna end this, because you're the one that's been wronged right?"
"Whatever." He turned; starting out the door when Jade grabbed his arm.
"I deserve better than you, I know I do and I'll get it. I just hope that someone doesn't treat you as badly as you've treated me."
James stared at her a moment before turning and walking out.
Jade watched him walk out and sighed heavily, wiping at her eyes. It was over, it still hurt but she was glad. It was for the best and she knew it, time to start over. Slowly she made her way out the room, once again surrounded by the sound of Nick's voice as he sang. Slowly she brought her gaze up to the stage, watching him as he sang, listening carefully to the words for the first time that night.
Nick opened his eyes again to find Jade walking out the door towards him; James was no where in sight. Her eyes caught his and she continued to stare at him as she made her way through the crowd. Jade smiled a bit; he'd finally seen her watching him. There was something there in his gaze, an understanding of sorts that she found oddly comforting. It was like he knew, like he knew what she was feeling. She stopped by the table, just watching him, listening to him.
Nick bowed as the song ended before turning and making his way off the stage. Gathering his stuff before heading out into the crowd, looking around, he spotted Jade and made his way over.
"Jade hi! I'm so glad you were able to make it, this is a nice surprise."
"I'm glad I was able to make it too. I've been promising, I'm sorry it took me so long."
"It's ok Jade, I know it's been kinda hard for you here lately." Nick replied softly.
She smiled thankfully, "That was a beautiful song Nick, you have an amazing voice."
He blushed, looking down, "Thanks. So...I saw James here. Is everything ok?"
Jade stared at him a moment before looking away. "Yeah, actually they are."
"Really?"
She looked back over at him, a small smile on her lips. "Yeah, really."
"Oh, well that's good."
She nodded, biting her lip.
"Hey Jade, if ya weren't busy, I was thinking maybe we could head out, go somewhere to talk and whatever." Nick shrugged, smiling a bit.
Jade smiled suddenly, grabbing her coat from the table. "I'd like that."
Nick smiled, taking her hand in his as they turned and made their way out of the club.
Step one, walk through that door
Step two tell him, he's not like he was before,
You don't love him anymore
Now three come to me
Step four I'll love you more
You will see how love should be,
But there's four steps to complete
I Should Be - By Dru Hill
