Chapter 18
She paced back and forth, what in the hell had happened outside? She didn't understand it, she didn't. He was fine before he left and then he came back and practically bit her head off. She didn't even do anything, he just...turned on her.
Groaning, she turned and headed over to her stereo, grabbing a new pack of batteries and opening the pack, grabbing four and stuffed them into the machine. She always thought better when there was music playing, it helped to relax her.
Turning the stereo on, she started the CD player and pressed play, the music filling the room suddenly.
Standing, she started pacing again. Maybe she should just leave him alone, don't let it bother her, forget him. Just cause they were stranded here, didn't mean she had to be around him and whatever. It didn't matter, she WOULD forget it and him.
Nick paced back and forth, he'd been such an ass. He couldn't believe he exploded like that. Just as fast as it came, it dissolved. What could he do? She knew exactly what buttons to push, not that she had at that point, but thinking about what'd happened depressed him, angered him. He shouldn't have gotten so upset.
She had no idea, couldn't have any idea what it was like for him to look at her, even after all this time and never ask why? Why had she ended what was the best thing for him, for the both of them? He'd felt so empty, so alone. He worried consistently that she'd look in his eyes and see the pain and the hurt that lay just below the surface, that was still so raw, so deep. She'd never wanna hear it, hear how bad it'd been for him then and even now. She'd never really know.
Who could know the emptiness inside
Every time I see your face
Too many feelings left behind
Do you wonder why I turn away when you look at me
Never wanting your eyes to see
This desperate heart that knows how perfect we could be
It wouldn't happen and she knew it. He was too much apart of her life, even if it was in the past. The past. God, part of her would give anything to have the past back, when things were solid and focused.
"I can't remember ever being so happy." She sighed, tightening her hold on him slightly, the warm summer air caressing her cheek.
"Me either." He whispered, nuzzling her neck.
She couldn't remember a time when she'd ever been so happy, and now being there in Nick's arms, she knew he'd be the one she'd spend the rest of her life with. He was the one for her.
She shook her head, banishing the memory that'd somehow seeped into her head. Despite how she must seem to Nick, she wasn't together, not really. There were a lot of things that she hid, a lot of things that no one knew. Things had most certainly come a long way from that time. She'd learned to move on, to pick up the pieces of her heart that'd been so badly broken. The love she had for him had taken a long time to fade, to dissolve whereas their relationship had quickly evaporated.
He didn't know how it felt, how it felt to feel so cold and empty inside. Her life without him those first couple of months had been pure hell. She'd never felt so alone. It'd never been so hard with any of her other boyfriends. No, Nick was different and that's what made it so hard.
Baby cause you don't know
How I feel
Living my life without you
Baby and you don't know
What it's like, loving you all this time
I'll give you all my love, heart and soul
Risking it all on a chance
Now when I need you the most
You don't know
She'd been his everything, all he'd ever wanted or needed. He'd realized that the moment he met her and that feeling never died, even when their relationship had. He went on and with time, that feeling faded a bit, but never really went away. Even though he had Celeste, part of him told him she wasn't the one, and he knew it. She wasn't, she wasn't Nyla.
Those first couple of months had been unbearable. He snapped and yelled at everyone. He'd lie in bed longing, aching to have her in his arms, her body pressed against him. The dreams lasted for about two months straight. He'd wake up covered in sweat and shaking. It still happened every so often, never quite as bad, but there were times as he lay there next to Celeste and was afraid to fall asleep, afraid to dream of the one girl who'd gotten away. It'd never been this bad with any of his other girlfriends, but then again, they weren't Nyla. Fans had known something was wrong, and a lot of them contributed it to Nyla, a lot of hate sites and hate letters came in. He tried hard to assure the fans that it wasn't what they thought, but it was a lie. Because it was. She'd broken his heart.
All I ever wanted in this world
Baby I found in you
I never felt this way before
But I can't break through
And now I lie awake alone at night
So afraid now to close my eyes
Just one more dream of you
I'll carry here inside
Nyla slumped down on the bed, wiping at her eyes. It still hurt, it hurt so much sometimes to watch him with her it was like she couldn't breathe.
There's still so many things she would do differently, so many "what ifs" But now they'd never know. So many things he'd do differently, anything if that meant they'd still be together. He'd always be there for her, even more than he had been. It'd been hard with his job, but he'd always supported all he did. He'd do more. He'd hold her longer, touch her more. It was all futile now.
And I would hold you all through the night
I would stay right by your side
And I'd give you the world if your love was mine
Baby could it be I'm only dreamin'
Don't let it pass me by
Laying back, she stared up at the ceiling. It was all over now, no second chances. And she did nothing wrong anyway. Or maybe she had, maybe it'd been partly her fault. There had to be something, one person couldn't really break apart a relationship, could they? But there was always part of her that wondered, if that fight had never happened and she'd never stopped it, where would they be?
He'd never know that even after all this time she longed for him. He wouldn't and it was better that way.
It'd be better if she never knew how he felt. She probably wouldn't believe him anyway. Why bother trying to explain? No, she'd go on and never know and inside he'd die just a little more.
You Don't Know - 98 Degrees
