Chapter 30
A few hours later, Nyla set her pen down and looked at her watch. Nick had slept the whole day, she was still worried bout him though.
Yawning, she pulled her headphones off and stretched. She was getting tired, but it was too early to sleep, she'd be up half the night trying to fall asleep, normally that wasn't bad, but when she didn't have anything to really keep her occupied, it got boring quickly.
Slowly, she slipped off the bed, yawning still. She'd go check on Nick, see how he was doing; maybe he was already up. Making her way over to his room, she knocked softly.
"Nick? You up?" She called softly. When she got no response, she turned the knob and poked her head in, remembering what she saw the last time she did this. Looking around, she saw Nick in bed, sleeping peacefully, snoring softly from being congested. Biting her lip, she made her way in and over to the bed, looking down at him.
Reaching out, she placed a hand to his cheek to feel that it was still cool, his fever hadn't returned. Now he just had to get past the stuffiness and the sniffles and he'd be back to his old self. Slowly, hesitantly she pulled her hand away, staring hard at the floor.
Why couldn't she turn away from him now? Why did she feel she had to stay? Why couldn't she just leave him alone? She felt her eyes welling up, she knew why; she knew why she could never leave him alone, why she hadn't ever been able to. Slowly she sat in the chair, the same chair she'd sat in the night before, watching over him as usual, like she always did.
Where did the time go? She couldn't remember how things had gotten the way that they had. She couldn't keep track of the time or the days that past, everything seemed to slow down now that they were here together. Now it seemed like everything counted every moment, every second, and every touch. Why did she want for the time to slow down? Why did she long for smiles and the soft words? She shook her head, no more questions, questions that she knew the answers to.
Of all the things I believed in
I just want to get it over with
Tears form behind my eyes
But I do not cry
Counting the days that past me by
All she'd been doing lately is thinking, telling herself the same things over and over again, the same things she'd been telling herself the last year. It seemed so easy to go on and act like she didn't care, Nyla thought it'd be easy, but it wasn't. It hadn't gotten any easier. Everything was just a front now; just an illusion for all the unresolved issues that still floated around in her head. Three years of her life was a long time, and as often as she tried to pretend they didn't happen, they had. She couldn't forget and she didn't know if she really wanted to.
I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
Looks like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend and I say
Even now, Nyla didn't know how she'd managed to say goodbye to him. How she'd been able to walk away and not look back. But she'd never forget that look on his face as she left, the pain and the agony; it was hers as well.
"It's over Nick."
He stared at her, his eyes wide with disbelief. "What?"
"I said it's over with us. I thought, I thought we'd last, but I was wrong, very wrong. I think this is the best thing for us, to go on and be with other people."
"Nyla, I don't get it, where's this coming from all of a sudden?" Nick asked, concern etching his features.
"I think it's been there for a while, we both know it, no sense in denying it anymore."
"What if I don't want this? What if I don't want this to end?" Nick announced.
She looked at him, what could she say? How could she say anything when she didn't really want this either? "I'm sorry Nick."
"Sorry? You're sorry?! I don't fuckin' believe this! She's sorry!" He yelled.
She felt her eyes welling up at his anger, at his pain. "Nick please..."
"Please what? I can't do this Ny! I need you! Don't you get that? I need you!"
She shook her head slowly. "No Nick, not anymore."
He stared at her, his eyes cold as a tear made it's way down his cheek. "So that's it then? That's it?"
Nyla looked away, she had to. "Yes" She whispered.
"Why? Aren't you even gonna tell me why?"
"I already told you..." "Screw what you told me! What is it Nyla? What? I know there's more, I can see it in your eyes. I deserve to know why you're fuckin' me over."
"There's nothing else." But there was, there was something else.
He took a step towards her, then another, just watching her. "Please Ny, please baby, don't do this, don't do this to us." He was begging, he never begged for anything in his life, she meant that much to him though, he'd do it for her, he'd do anything for her. "I'm begging you."
Nyla looked up at him, her eyes glossy, her chin quivering. For a moment he actually believed she'd changed her mind, he would've taken her back in a heartbeat, everything else forgotten, but then the moment was gone and she shut down, her eyes closed and she shook her head and his heart dropped.
"No Nick. Goodbye." She whispered, looking one last time at his face before turning, making her way out the door without so much as a backward glance, and walking out the door and out his life.
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
Nyla wiped at the tears streaming down her face, she'd never forget. His eyes, those eyes so expressionless, so empty, and she'd caused it. She inhaled sharply as Nick rolled onto his back, his eyes fluttering a bit as he drifted back off. Reaching out, she ran a fingertip over the back of his hand lightly. She'd never felt so lost and alone as she'd made her way out the door that night. And for days after, empty, she'd been so empty without him. Days seemed longer than usual, colder, even in the sweltering Florida heat.
He was all she thought about, and now as she looked down at him, she longed to look into those eyes. She longed for him to take her away with those blue eyes like he always did. But he wouldn't, couldn't, because he was no longer hers.
I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems like I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes till you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light but it's not right
And when they would leave here, and go back to reality, she'd have to say goodbye to him again, she'd have to let him go and god help her, but she didn't know if her heart could take it again. Not when part of her, the part that she thought had died that night, not when that part still needed him so badly.
Nyla thought it was over, that she no longer cared, but she was wrong. She didn't want to say goodbye to him again, he'd been the one thing she'd tried so hard to keep, to have. She couldn't say goodbye again, she couldn't.
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
Nick heard her sniffle and something inside him died again. He wanted nothing more than to reach out and pull her to him, to soothe her and calm her like he used to.
He wanted it all back, nothing else mattered. He wanted those three years back, the hugs and caresses and kisses. Her smile and his happiness. It would never happen though, and he would no longer hurt himself, no matter how much he wanted, he couldn't give in like he had before. She had to want it bad enough to want it back and he didn't know if she did.
It hurts to want everything & nothing at the same time
I want whats yours and I want whats mine
I want you but I'm not giving in this time
She had to get away, standing suddenly; she cast one last look at Nick before turning and walking out the door. Shutting the door once inside her room, she made her way wearily over to the bed, slipping in, drifting off.
Slowly he opened his eyes, turning his head to watch her leave. He wanted to call out, but he was too weak, his voice too low for him to be heard. Licking his dry lips, he sighed heavily and watched as the door closed. Could she want it?
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
Shaking his head a bit, his eyes drifted shut as sleep once again took him.
When the stars fall and I lie awake
You're my shooting star
Goodbye To You - By Michelle Branch
