Chapter 34
The next evening, he knocked on her door and waited for it to open. It was time to get it out. The door swung open and she stared at him in shock.
"N-Nick? What are you doing here?"
"We need to talk. Can I come in?"
She nodded and stepped aside as he stepped in. She closed the door and turned to look at him. "What are you doing here?"
He looked at her for a moment. She'd changed so much. He hadn't realized it before but she was different. Her appearance, she looked sick. Her eye sunken in, she looked tired and worn out. "I came here to talk about us."
She blinked and then walked away, her back to him. "There's nothing to talk about. Apparently you've moved on already. To my best friend no less."
"Ok just stop, stop it right there. Cut the bullshit Vanessa. You know this has nothing to do with Illana. This is us we're talking about."
She turned to look at him. "I suppose she told you she came to scream at me yesterday."
"Yeah, she did."
"Figures."
"Can you shut up for five fuckin' minutes and listen to me for once Vanessa." Nick muttered coldly.
She looked taken aback.
"Sit down." Nick gestured to the couch and watched as she silently sat down. Taking a breath he started. "You know, I tried this before but it was on the phone and we were still together. You wouldn't listen then, but you will listen now."
She stared at him, her eyes narrowed coldly.
"When we started dating I thought you were different from every other girl I'd been with. You were caring and sweet. I loved you with everything I had inside. You touched me in a way no one ever could. You made me care for you so much that it scared me. I never thought that the way I felt about you would change."
I never thought I'd change my opinion again
But you moved me in a way that I've never known
You moved me in a way that I've never known
"You changed and the way you treated me changed. You became cold and distant. I thought that maybe something was going on, but you would never tell me. You know I'm not an emotional person, never have been. I've had to teach myself to hide a lot. You brought it out in me though, and when our relationship started to fall apart, I struggled to hold on to what we had as you slipped away from me."
"Around our friends you acted like everything was ok, we had them all fooled. But when we were alone, you went right back to the way you were. Yelling and screaming at me. You wouldn't let me hold you or touch you. You wouldn't let me close, you shut me out and I was alone."
But straight away you just moved into position again
You abused me in a way that I've never known
You abused me in a way that I've never known
"Did it ever occur to you Nick that I was alone too?"
"Well you wouldn't tell me! You never talked to me anymore. How was I supposed to know?!"
"It didn't matter, you were always too absorbed in being Nick Carter superstar to care about me."
"I can't believe what you're saying! You know I cared about you, you know I loved you. I'd have done anything to help you Vanessa. You just didn't trust me."
"Whatever." She stood. "I'm so tired of hearing about what you wanted. What about what I wanted damnit!? Did you ever stop to think that maybe I was unhappy too? Did you? No, no one cared about that."
"I don't know what you wanted from me Vanessa! I went out of my mind to try to make you happy and it was never enough. It was never enough for you."
So break me, shake me, hate me
Take me over
When the madness stops
Then you will be alone
Just break me, shake me, hate me
Take me over
When the madness stops
Then you will be alone
She rolled her eyes. "I swear, I don't understand you. You like to play games with everyone. You won't say what's on your mind. I was confused as shit half the time I was with you."
"You never tried to understand me. You never knew me."
"You wouldn't let me know you Vanessa. You just clicked one day and shut me out. I never went anywhere with you, and if we did go out, it was always in public. Never alone. Why Vanessa?"
"I don't know what you're talking about. We used to go to your house."
"I practically had to force you."
"Maybe I didn't feel like it. I'd tell you no and then you'd push and push me."
"I never pushed you Vanessa and you know it. I never made you do anything you didn't want to. I wouldn't do that."
She looked away from him and out the window. What was she hiding?
So you're the kind who deals with the games in the mind
Well you confuse me in a way that I've never known
You confuse me in a way that I've never known
"So what now?" He asked.
She looked over at him. "What do you want me to say? That you're right and I should fall at your feet? Screw you."
Nick stared at her. "What happened to you? You're empty inside, like your soul is gone."
She stared at him. "Maybe it is."
He'd had it, it was pointless. He turned and started towards the door.
"That's right! Leave you fucker, leave me! You never finish what you start!" She screamed.
He whirled around. "I don't finish?! You're the one who ended it, you walked away! You got out of my truck and walked out my life. I wanted to try harder, but you wouldn't! You wouldn't even try. It's always me. I'm the one who made the effort. I came here tonight to try to talk to you and you don't want to listen."
So break me, shake me, hate me
Take me over
When the madness stops
Then you will be alone
Just break me, shake me, hate me
Take me over
When the madness stops
Then you will be alone
You just keep me contemplating
That your soul is slowly fading
"Stop! Stop it, I can't take it anymore. Don't you know I'm hurting too? Do you think I wanted that? Do you think I wanted it to be over? I did it for us, to give us a break."
"But I didn't want a break Vanessa, I wanted to be with you! I used to make you happy, you seemed happy with me. I regret not trying harder now. I loved you Vanessa, don't you see. Don't you see that I needed you just as much as you needed me?"
God don't you know that I live with a ton of regret
'Cause I used to move you in a way that you've never known
"You accused me of never wanting to have sex Nick. Is that what you needed me for? For a quick damn lay!?"
"No! This isn't about fuckin' sex damnit! Don't you see you hurt me!? I opened myself up to you and you fuckin' hurt and left me alone. It wasn't about the sex; it was never about the sex. It was about showing me you cared! You let me go and ended the relationship and you didn't seem to care. You had no regrets and you didn't look back once."
"Then you want to get mad when I hang out with someone else, while it's ok for you to? Hell no! I've had it Vanessa. It's time for me to move on. I've had it with you and worrying about what I did wrong, cause I know I didn't. I did for you what anyone in a dedicated relationship would do and you turned me away. No more Vanessa, no more."
But then I accused you in a way
That you've never known
But you hurt me in a way
That I've never known
"So this is it. When you finally decide to give of yourself and stop running, you're gonna look around and realize that you're alone, all alone. No one to care for you, no one to love you. So go ahead and hate me, that's fine. Because in the end, it's gonna be you that's alone." Nick yelled, a single tear escaping. Turning quickly he stormed off, slamming the door behind him.
So break me, shake me, hate me
Take me over
When the madness stops
Then you will be alone
Break me, Shake me, Hate me- By Savage Garden
