Chapter 46
Her heart was pounding. They'd be here any minute, and this was the first time she'd see Nick since Saturday. Would he be mad at her? Would he ignore her? These questions she'd been asking herself since Vanessa left her job yesterday.
She was trying to rationalize, but it wasn't working. Nick was a mature guy; he'd act that way wouldn't he? She groaned, flopping over on the couch.
There was a knock at the door, and she bolted up, her heart racing once again. She made her way over to the door, would it be Vanessa, or Nick? Taking a breath, she swung the door open.
"Hi!"
She exhaled. "Hi Vanessa."
"Ready?"
"Yup!"
She grabbed her purse and headed outside. They walked over to Nick's truck and kept her head down as she walked around and slid inside, shutting the door after her. She swallowed hard, and took deep breaths in order to calm her heart. Would he talk to her?
"Hey Illana."
She closed her eyes and squeezed her hands together in her lap.
"Hi Nick."
That was all that was said as he pulled out and drove off. A few minutes later they arrived at a restaurant and they all got and headed inside. Vanessa told the hostess of their reservations and they were seated. Illana slipped into the seat and Nick and Vanessa sat across from them. Immediately she picked up her menu and started looking it over
"I'm so glad you decided to join us Illana. I have to say I was worried you wouldn't after everything that's happened." Vanessa explained, picking up her menu.
"Yeah, well I thought it'd be good for us all to hang out together." She glanced up to see Vanessa still looking at her menu, and she chanced a glance at Nick to find him staring straight at her. Her mouth went dry and she looked away quickly, but not quick enough to miss the pain that was there. The waitress came to take their orders and left, when Vanessa excused herself to use the bathroom.
There they sat, alone and with nothing to say to each other. She could feel him staring at her and she wanted desperately to say something to him, but was too afraid...too afraid of revealing too much. Slowly she brought her eyes to his again and she could feel the tears start to well in her eyes.
He looked like he wanted to say something, anything just as badly as she did. She went to say something, when Vanessa came back, sliding into the seat. Illana smiled and sipped at her water. It was going to be a long night. ************************************************************************
They headed out the restaurant and were heading back to the truck, when Illana noticed something that caused her heart to start pounding again. Nick was holding Vanessa's hand. She rubbed at her eyes, but it didn't change it. She rubbed at the back of her neck and sighed. She slid into the truck. "You two up for a movie?" Vanessa asked.
"Sure, sounds good to me." Nick replied, he looked in the rearview mirror. "Illana?"
She nodded. "Cool."
Could she sit through a make out fest? She closed her eyes, she'd forgotten about that. It was too late to back out now.
A few minutes later they arrived at the theater. Illana stood behind as Nick paid for him and Vanessa and then paid for her ticket and followed them in.
"Come on Illana, you're standing so far behind. Nick doesn't bite ya know." Vanessa laughed.
Illana stumbled a bit, oh yes he does. She cleared her throat. "Damn, that's too bad Nick."
He looked over at her and grinned. "Yeah, I know."
She felt her face burning as they headed into the theater.
"Where do you wanna sit?" Nick asked, looking at Vanessa.
"How bout in the back a bit."
He quickly looked over at Illana who looked away. "Alright."
They moved to the back, Illana sat a few seats away from them.
"Did you two want anything? I'm gonna go get something to eat."
"No I'm fine thanks. Nick?"
He leaned forward, looking at her intently. "No, nothing I want at the counter."
She nodded quickly and left, she didn't want to be there. Making her way out the theater, she headed to the concession stand. As she waited in line, she couldn't help but think that a few months ago, this whole thing wouldn't have bothered her, that it would be normal for her. She'd be able to sit next to them as they made out and not think another thing about it, but that wasn't the case now. Things had changed and now she'd suffer.
After paying for her candy, she started back towards the theater. Once inside she started back up she stopped when she saw them, her eyes tearing up. Hands intertwined and kissing softly. It wasn't like before, it was gentle. She knew cause he'd kissed her that way before. Quickly she sat, putting her candy in the cup holder on her seat and stared at the screen.
She allowed herself to become caught in the movie and had briefly forgotten that she wasn't here alone. She shifted in her seat and turned her head to see Vanessa with her head on Nick's shoulder and the pain came rushing back. She swallowed hard and forced herself to concentrate on the movie. Once the movie ended, she stood and started out into the hallway.
"You did it again." Vanessa announced.
Illana looked at her. "Did what again?"
"Ended up sitting away from us again. I never notice when you do that. You don't have to sit so far from us Illana." Vanessa frowned. "I hope you don't feel like we're leaving you out."
Illana shook her head. "No, you two are fine. I just wanted to give you some space."
"I wanted you here Illana, but I wanted you to be a part of this too. I wanted to make up for lost time. Come on." Vanessa smiled, taking her hand and walking with her down the stairs.
Illana was aware that Nick was now walking behind her, her whole body was alert. Suddenly Vanessa stopped, causing Illana to stop abruptly, causing Nick to bump into her. Immediately, his hands went to her waist to steady her.
"S-sorry Nick...I didn't know..."
"It's ok Lana." He whispered.
She wiped angrily at the tear that made its way down her face and moved forward quickly, Nick's hands slipping from her waist.
She stood made her way to the bottom of the stairs and Nick came by her and Vanessa took his hand in hers, and they started off. Outside, they headed back towards Nick's truck.
"He guys, let's go to the pier. It's such a nice night out." Vanessa suggested.
"Yeah, sounds nice. Illana?" Nick looked back at her.
She nodded. "Yeah, ok."
They piled into Nick's truck. They arrived at the pier a short time later, getting out the truck; they walked alone the dock.
"It's so nice out. I'm so glad that I'm here with the two of you. I'm so lucky to have such a great friend and boyfriend." Vanessa smiled, her eyes glossy.
"Aww, Vanessa." Illana smiled. "Don't go getting' all sappy on us."
"I can't help it. I know how rough things have been between us, and I'm truly sorry. I mean it." She walked over to Illana hand hugged her tightly. "I'm so sorry Illana."
She hugged her back, her gaze drifting to Nick who was looking at her with an unreadable expression on his face. She pulled away. "It's ok Vanessa."
She sniffled and headed over to Nick. "I love you Nick." She whispered as she held him tightly.
Nick looked into Illana's eyes. "I love you too."
She turned, the agony of it all breaking her heart.
"Oh god, I'm a mess. I'll be right back. Gonna run to the restroom." Vanessa sniffled before walking off.
Illana watched her leave and walked away over to a nearby bench. She felt him come up behind her, his hands resting lightly on her shoulders.
Tell me baby do you know
That I've tried to show you how I feel
Since your love has gone.
His hands moved gently over her tense muscles and she closed her eyes. He walked around the bench and sat next to her. She turned her head, he was looking out across the water, she could see his eyes were watering. It was killing them both, the pretending, the pretending that nothing had happened.
"Nick..."
He turned to look at her then, a sad smile on his lips. A smile that didn't quite reach his eyes and she couldn't look at him any longer, knowing she was the reason for the sadness in that smile.
Yes I know you loved me when I left you
With tears in your eyes
Now I miss your smile
Yes I know, yes I know
That you're gone...
She didn't know it'd be so hard, that she'd miss him so much. She thought she'd be able to go on, to go on like nothing had ever happened between them, she'd been wrong.
He watched her now, the pain and torment that kept racing over her delicate features. He wanted to wipe her tears away, ease her pain, but he couldn't. He had no idea that it would be so hard to be around her, to be around her and with someone else. Holding someone that wasn't her in his arms, kissing someone else's lips. Someone who wasn't her.
Guess I've gone and done it again
Truth is that I never thought I'd miss your love
Now it's all I'm dreamin' of
Watched my luck run out on a chance
Now I see that life will never be the same
I know I'll never love this way again
She wrapped her arms around herself. Now she'd do anything for one more moment with him. One last chance to tell him how she felt, maybe she thought he could tell. That he'd know the way she kissed him, the way she held him that she was so madly and deeply in love with him, that she'd do just about anything for him. Even if it meant sacrificing what she felt so that he could find out if he could be truly happy with Vanessa. She'd do it for him, she'd sacrifice. Now she didn't know if she could go on and be happy without him.
He still couldn't understand, why? Why would she throw away what they could've had so that he could get back with Vanessa? He'd give anything to be with her again, she'd gotten to him and he needed her, he couldn't make it without her.
Anything I'd do just to get down
And get it on one more time
If just for a little while
'Cause I know that the sun stopped shining
When your heart stopped beating with mine
And I thought you knew
I'd never make it without you
She stood, walking away from him. It was too much to even sit next to him now. Too hard for her. She couldn't get used to this; she'd never get used to being around the two of them now. Now when she longed for her to be in his arms, longed for him to kiss her. She brought her hands to her head. It was too late, she was too close. The tears fell down her cheeks and her soft cries echoed through the calm night air.
Standing, he started towards her, he could hear her soft crying. He wanted so badly to stop it. It wasn't fair. Coming up behind her, he slipped his arms around her waist, pulling her back to him. He could feel her body shaking from her soft sobs and yet, he said nothing, just held her.
Guess I've gone and done it again
Truth is that I never thought I'd miss your love
Now it's all I'm dreamin' of
Watched my luck run out on a chance
Now I see that life will never be the same
I know I'll never love this way again
He slipped away from her again, his arms gone leaving her cold once again. She turned to see him walking towards Vanessa who went eagerly into his arms, kissing him deeply. She couldn't breathe, she closed her eyes. She deserved it; she deserved it for being so stupid. This pain she felt, it would haunt her forever.
If he tried hard enough he could pretend, pretend it was her he was holding, her he was kissing. He'd gotten so good at pretending, this was only one other thing. He pulled away and hugged Vanessa to him. Now that she was gone, he couldn't imagine going on.
Baby I can't give up
And I've got to believe
I was a prisoner since you shined your light on me
And now I've got to turn around
Until salvation is found
I never imagined livin' without you
Oh, I can't breathe without you babe
She started towards the truck. It was over, over. She'd walk away like she did before. She'd walk away and life would go on. She was tired of pretending.
He watched her leave, leave him again and there was nothing he could do.
I'll never love this way again
My baby's long long gone
My heart stopped beating when
I lost her lovin' arms
But from this day
I ain't gonna stop believin' no
'Cause you're the only one
You're the only one
The only one I've ever loved
"Illana, you alright honey? I came back and noticed that you had come back to the truck." Vanessa asked worried.
She nodded. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just been doing a lot of thinking. I'm alright."
"You sure?"
She looked over at Nick. "Yeah, I'm sure."
"Do you wanna head home then?" Vanessa asked.
"Yeah, if you don't mind. I'm exhausted."
"Sure, no problem."
She turned and looked out the window. ************************************************************************
They pulled into Illana's driveway.
"Thanks a lot for letting me hang out with you two. I enjoyed it. I'll talk with you later Vanessa. Bye Nick." She called, getting out and starting towards her apartment. She heard a door slam and figured it was Vanessa.
"Illana...wait up."
She stopped as Nick came up behind her.
"Vanessa thought I should make sure you got inside ok."
"You don't have to do that."
"I wanted to."
She nodded after a moment and opened the door leading inside and they walked to her door. She turned to look at him.
"Thanks for coming Illana. I didn't think you would."
"Yeah, Vanessa didn't think so either."
"How are you?"
She blinked. "I'm ok. You?"
He shrugged. "I'm here."
She smiled sadly. "Yeah. Well I'd better head in. Thanks again Nick."
"No problem."
They stared at each other.
"Night Nick."
"Night Illana." He turned and walked out and she turned and headed inside.
Guess I've gone and done it again
Truth is that I never thought I'd miss your love
Now it's all I'm dreamin' of
Watched my luck run out on a chance
Now I see that life will never be the same
I know I'll never love this way again
I"ll Never Love This Way Again - By Color Me Badd
