Security

Sunday morning in late February
I do not know what I am guarding
But I do know I'm not supposed to ask
And I'm not sure I'm cut out for this

Security.

Sunday, February 26th
Young Billy takes over for his dad again
There are new offerings from the Franklin Mint
And I'm not sure I'm cut out for this

Security.

Chains wrapped around all the doors
And there isn't a window to speak of
And I'm not really sure what they do in there
But it's true my revolver is empty

Security.

Welcome to the Big Ten Conference

Squirrels scrabble on the campus green
And with a roommate nothing less than mean
It's a long way to Pennsylvania
Welcome to the Big Ten Conference

Outside my window hear that rhythmic pound
It's a Big Ten marching band marching around
If anonymity was my quest
I made the right choice, I chose the midwest
Welcome to the Big Ten Conference

There in the distance hear that thunderous sound
As a Big Ten goalpost comes tumbling down
I can sense the euphoria and the jubilation
I can sense that this just isn't an optimal location
Welcome to the Big Ten Conference

Naughty-naught, naughty-one, naughty-two
Hickelty hackelty, pride of the faculty
Hip hip hoorip! Kerzip, kerzip!*

Christian fellowship kids next door
Are playing Uno, and you're invited.

*adapted from 1901 Purdue yearbook

Song of the Slag Pile

The wind sounds like the way they mike
A western prairie scene
High above the river bed, shoes with no tread
The twilight's last gleaming

The tiny shards of the industrial process cut between my toes
As the panic sets in
Stopping short has become something of a policy; agility
Eludes me again

When I think bleak I see this slaggy peak
You calling 'don't look down'
Shot-up signs, poison ivy vines and spray cans
All around

Shells of old cars, clear-cut scars as far as
The eye can see
Old men fishing, with teeth missing
Ignoring the health advisory

I count my blessings; I count slowly to ten
As the panic sets in
Stopping short has become something of a policy; agility
Eludes me again

What made you decide to scale the side
And me to follow so readily?
Sure there's the view, and it was something to do
But judgment figures unsteadily

Who knows what I'd do
If I only could keep up with you.

Florence Scene Report

At the peak stage of a great commercial empire
Right where all great societies aspire
Choices are easy, survival is routine
I'm a Florentine

Untouched by reports of distant skirmishes and struggles
Untouched by the Vatican and associated troubles
My outlook is bright, my senses are keen
I'm a Florentine

Prosperity is certainly becoming
That's the name of the tune that I am humming
Tuscans and Venetians got nothing on my scene
I'm a Florentine

Self Pity 6.0

I am clip art
I live in the public domain
Paste me into your sorry-looking document
Without credit, without shame

I am clip art
Perfect for that special occasion
Select me from a menu of icons
Designed to enhance your presentation

I am clip art
Flexible, identity-free
Cut me from your final revision
First highlight, then delete.

Bitter Coffee Song

Latest report is that you have ten varieties of coffee
Perfectly organized on remodeled kitchen shelves
Sounds like you finally got yourself together
And I congratulate you, I congratulate you

But you'd better believe I'm as bitter
As those ten varieties put together

Word on the street is that your paintings are just as bad as ever
But that dogged persistence has finally paid off
You've found yourself a patron
And I congratulate you, I congratulate you

But you'd better believe I'm as bitter
As the smell of all those coffeehouses where they've hung

I wouldn't drink that stuff if you paid me
Let alone shell out $2.95
I've got more bitterness than I can reasonably stand
We're talking lifetime supply, something you can't really buy
A bottomless cup
Unlimited refills.

Expendable You

They don't recognize talent when they see it
They wouldn't recognize talent if it struck them in the solar plexus
Boldfaced and capitalized
They couldn't read talent if it appeared in a sentence

Go about your business with dignity
Punctuality, enthusiasm, and pride
That underlying expendability
Is waiting patiently, just outside

They don't know a good man when they have one

They wouldn't know a good man from a herd of others
Italicized and underlined
They couldn't see a good man in highlighter colors

Say what you will about dependability
Perserverance can get you places, for sure
That underlying expendability
Only gets you as far as the revolving door

Regarding Telephones

The friendliest mail I receive
Comes from the telephone companies
I have come to terms with this
I have come to terms with this.

My roommate thinks I'm a freak
Because I will not subscribe
To any optional services
Appealing to my intelligence

Let's recall pre-deregulation
When unresponsive and unashamed
Was the name of the only game

The telephone is plugged in
Most of the numbers are wrong
Messages have been erased
Messages have been misplaced

I do not talk on the phone much
I do not say much of anything
It's not for me, so let it ring

Honeywell Round Thermostat

Essentially unchanged in function and form since 1952
How many things can you say that about that you can still buy new?

In the words of the designer, "You must steer a course between caution and daring"
To paraphrase the designer, "If the user has to think about it it constitutes failing"

Hey, Mercury, regulate me
Keep me warm
On this cold, cold night





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