diary entries, from 9-30-00 to roughly
9-30-02. Herelies the girl I was.
So it all begins again. Here I've tried to forgive, not forget, and I've been torched. A couple of days ago I found out my ex was doing heroin again.... and again and again.... Here I was asking for help from him, when all he wanted truly was to fill his veins. Now I'm sort of stranded on a few levels, I went so far as to maintain friendships with his friends and now I'm embarassed by his behavior. I should probably get a life.
Tonight I talked to M. I used to yearn for him, but now he's just another guy to me... all we ever really had was good sex, I forged my own bond prematurely and once I decided he's probably hurt me I mind-fucked myself into not liking him. Now I'm just not intruiged. Oh well, I knew I had bad timing anyway. My head throbs. I do think I've been fighting off more sickness, just a cold or something.... I don't think I could get much worse than my present health...
Alone.. in my thoughts again.. I need something to occupy my time, my brain. I'm so sick, though, and spend most of my time either being sick or trying to avoid it. And now, there's sadness... I feel horrible for the past week and how it all transpired.. I feel horrible for the past month, or year maybe. I just want to change myself. I want an inkling of happiness and acceptance. I know, it's too much.
I am feeling rather apathetic, I don't have the urge to sqeal or rant or even blather. I'm going to try to find food.
In lieu of an actual entry;
"Pulled to bits, in silence... left rotting on the ground..........."
Siouxie and the Banshees
When I start to bleed I realize that one possiblity for my illness is ruled out; pregnancy. I wish it were that easy... Instead I'm undiagnosed and unmedicated. Doesn't matter anyway, 'cos I'm also uninsured. All I can hope is that if there is some underlying issue it's not serious, and ... that my face looks pretty when I'm dead. I'm going back, regressing... housing a girl I thought was long gone. And this girl is rather... dare I say often unimpressed???
I was supposed to go to a rave tonight. I need to get out of my house. Mom is ... binge drinking? I don't know, she's called in sick three days and continues to be drunk.... I can hardly deal with it. I'm sick as it is. I'm officially flat broke. And officially fed up with M, since I saw him he's been calling and said something about "getting closer".... I can't... I wish I could tell him how I feel, but then he'd probably be a bit sad.... *covers her eyes*
Whoo, now I'm the drinker, at least for the afternoon. Mom finally went to work today, I'm gonna get blitzed just to spite the world. I need to get off my ass and go to the store... fuck.... So I hope everyone likes my sorry excuse for a diary, and webpage... my life is so empty. I was thinking about ordering things from infomercials last night (well I was plenty stoned).... any way, I think I have to go before I admit something else I shouldn't.
Am I demeaning myself? I'm trying to "exsist on the best terms I can.." Why the fucking struggle? Money and drugs, well, pot, seem to be the only ways to bribe me anymore. Sex has even escaped my picture, but it seems like its what everyone clings to. And today I was partially bought off, faked an orgasm, and ... well, frankly, pretended to care. I thought I still did but each time I see him, my emotions deaden. I feel like I am decaying, the sweetness is slipping away.
Ok, here we go... I still can't figure out if I did a bad thing or a good thing. I don't know what to expect and I ... sort of don't care. It felt good, but I have this thing with making decisions that will actually eventually amount to something. Feels like I've been doing too much drinking, even though it's only been about once a week. When I do I really do. And I don't regret anything, I really don't. I feel like perhaps I should? Is there a word for that???
More about Halloween..... I consumed a fair amount of alcohol and didn't use my best judgement, though I do think I might have excersized my better judgement (better than nothing?). M called me in the midst of fooling around with someone ... I was totally bombed. After he called and hung up he called back to tell me I was "bugging him"... this from one of the most irritating men I know. And I never say a word. On another note, unlike with M.... god knows why but, I cared. And I didn't have to fake it! (see 10-27)
Hey kids, another entry on this fine... morning... last night was a little cry fest, the typical I-have-no-friends-and-no-boyfriend-and-I'm-too-fat-and-not-talented sort of pity fest. Something needs to change here. I do feel a bit better now, though. I have swollen tonsils, which doesn't help a damn thing. I've been a real baby the last couple of days. I just hurt so bad, mostly physically. And my newly developed crush is.... well, crushing me. I am too frail to face rejection, or maybe I'm just gutless. Either way. I should actually go to bed soon, maybe my head will stop hurting so badly. smile smile smile along...
Here we all are, drunk again. I'm trying to avoid my mother... been having problems with her today. I mean, I'm pissed off about my childhood too, but I at least try to not be the victim. I just see it as more work for me to do... more work I've already done. Shit. Meanwhile I'm still sort of crushing on someone, but not as much at all. I've realized that the only people who find me desirable I'm not going to find desirable back. But hey pussys pussy... It's nice to know I'm not too special.
Last night I had a long conversation with a friend I hardly ever talk to. It was nice to get some empathy, he sees worth in me. And now I find; I need love badly. I know it's just silly... but the only other thing missing in my life is a purpose and theres no way I'm gonna find one of those anytime soon. Buy hey, what I really need is a job. So I guess I could focus my energies into that and say "screw love." Like I'd be able to find it anyway, isn't it after all what I've been looking for my entire life anyway? And it eludes me...
Let the tears roll... It's officially PMS time, but my sadness/disgust reaches farther than any hormones could ever touch. Last night's circumstances didn't help a thing. I know I have potential. But I'm repressed by some unknown disease. I don't know quite where I can find that last bit of precious empathy in the world, it's like looking for a fountain of youth. I have no particular way to prove myself, and beyond that really no reason to. The only people who seem to really care either irritate the fuck out of me, lie to me, or really just want to get up my skirt. How am I supposed to have any confidence?
The darkness of yesterday has lifted somewhat. Yet I do still feel lonesome and ... a bit hopeless. I'm looking for a job more seriously now than ever, I don't have a choice but to. I just, need to be appreciated, somewhere in the world. I don't know why that's so much to ask for. Today I found out that a friend of mine is dating a minor that I'm not horribly fond of.... what's this world a comin' to? I suppose I could be worse off, trying to win the affection of someone droll and apparently completely substanceless...and younger than me... statutory rape is not the answer to lifes problems.
Tonight was not interesting in the slightest. I read an old project of mine, about a girl who succumbs to the needle, I wrote it when I was 16 or so... God, if only I know then what I know now, really... Now the diaper-chaser is not the only one of my friends that have gone crazy, all of them have. I can hardly fathom the idea of spending an afternoon amongst friends anymore. I was just beginning to think that I could start hanging out with everyone again... shit, if you don't have friends in this world what do you have? (I'm finding out real fast.) Oh, but M apparently cares about me now. I can't listen to him for more than a minute without wanting to never speak with him again, then there are the people I could talk to forever and they are way out of reach. Kill me pills.
Plans fell through tonight. Sarah and I need to go to a place free of the dictatorship of our parents. I need a job still, I keep procrastinating and god knows I'm going to hate myself for it in a couple of weeks... I can't be that unemployable. Is it my hair, my head? My dirty piss? Grr... it's not just my peers but potential employers that don't see my merit. Even though I go back and forth wondering if I even have any myself. My health has been much worse than usual this past week, I don't know what to do about that, either. And thats the #1 reason I can't fathom the idea of fricking working in the first place..
What I wouldn't give to have someones eyes light up when they see me. Living in this cesspit is no way to avoid feeling absolutely worthless. Seems each of my efforts are unnoticed, and if noticed they are hailed as counterproductive. I wish I could have chosen my parents, mother would be last on the list. How she manages to make me feel like less than I already feel (which is close to nothing) is quite impressive. One bright spot, after having the deepest urge to fall away, I talked to a wonderful man last night. I hope he doesn't read this and get scared... :) I just had such a sense of peace and complacency, both a rarity for me. Sometimes turmoil is the best way to bring about a sense of unity. Strange how this world works.
I'm bad. I keep bitching about how I need to find a job but when noontime rolls around I'm still in bed dreaming about... well, everything and anything but getting the job. As for everything else, even though I'm an open person ... I'm going to leave these things private. I'm sick to death of my own procrastination, and illness. And all the other inherently bad things about me, which there are many... always begging me to stop trying. I can't wait until I feel well, at least most of the time, and I can try try try to be proactive... or just active.... I know I should be trying harder. Perhaps I will.
Why am I so deeply infatuated? I cannot sleep tonight, and it's much more than the drudgery of the day ahead of me (Thanksgiving). I... still don't know why there are all happy lovely thoughts in my head. I suppose that's a good thing by most standards... scary almost by mine. And tomorrow (later today), as well as the next day I get to act act act... Oh what is wrong with me? I shall sleep and dream... dream the prettiest dreams I've dreamt for a long while.
Love. I thought I'd never see it and it came to me, it just came to me. I searched every place it seemed I would find it, it was never there. And when I closed my eyes, as sure as the winter is cold, it nudged me... I assumed I was forsaken. Yet there it was, is... in the purest, all be it one of the sickest forms I could ever imagine. I rise in the morning with a smile on my face instead of a scowl. I think of the possiblities in life instead of wanting to destroy everything I see. Life is still a hellhole, I've found light... light!
Even love cannot soothe all of our pangs, but most of mine are... soothed. Though right now I walk alone, there is someone's spirit dwelling inside of me. I must be patient... I can't wait until he can gaze into my eyes, crawl into my bed... I still need a job. grrrr. Why am I so lazy? Oh well, I'm also still sick. Smelling evil poison turkey fat. I'm feeling rather apathetic otherwise, which might be a good thing. Only problem: I'm running out of things to say. Oh well, now you know (whoever you are) that I was here today... and I tried.
My eyes hurt. I can tell if I stay up too late tonight I'm going to get really sad .... I feel lonesome again, even though I have this love... even though I have actually seen people in the last couple of days..... I really don't have any friends. I don't think I go out of my way to be anti-social, maybe I'm just not good company. So it's decided that there is something wrong with me, I just don't know what it is... sounds eerily familiar, like the illness that keeps me at bay. I'm ripped up. Distance is fabled to make the heart grow fonder, I'm not sure if that applies to absence... I have a dire need, not recognized. Meanwhile I'm just this question mark hovering over everyone. Grrr... I could only wish that I had happy news to report today. Um, world hasn't ended yet? Yip-fricking-eeee. I want apathy back.
Starting to feel ill. Took three sleeping pills just because they were there... I feel dizzy, weepy, and sleepy... But it's better than the rage I was just in. Why God do you do this to me? Am I really perpetually unlucky? Where's my fucking star? I feel hopeless again, a teeny tiny little worthless blob on your TV screen. You know, the one that always makes people look like they have a mole? Well I'm it, and I'm drowning fast. Another pill? You can take 300 milligrams a day of this stuff.......
Okie... I feel much better. I am no longer going psycho... well, maybe I'm as psycho as I was to begin with. I have been humbled. Heh, didn't think I needed any more humility, but... I felt it and now it has passed. What to do with our tiny exsistance?? How can the years seem so damn long when we are just a speck of dust? This is all we know. I'm just happy that I got in on some of that love stuff. Oh and to get away from my obscurity in reporting ... the "M" word is no longer calling me. He just dragged me down, telling me I was beautiful in one breath and (perhaps unwittingly) making me feel subhuman the next. I was beginning to wonder how many ways I could just say "no", I tried every tactic I could... I feel bad about it, but obviously being honest didn't work... someday I'm gonna see him somewhere, until then.... Good riddance.
Why do I want to be a rockstar when I lack the ego of even a barmaid? Wait, those two aren't mutually exclusive... It's odd, tonight I feel purposeless, but glowing. I HATE BILLY CORGAN!!! Sorry, that's what happens when you spend an hour watching VH1... I'm taking a break from "decorating" (writing on my walls with a Sharpie). Yeah if the internet is good for anything it's drivel and here is my contribution. Hope I'm bettering society, well I only know of two people who actually read this. So maybe those chosen two are somehow better? Like I have that kind of power.... Someday... someday I'll stand for something in this God Forsaken World. Notice that these entries keep getting longer. Fuck substance! I'm going back in my room to chainsmoke and write on my walls. Good Day.
Sad this evening, but that equates to "nothing new." I spoke to a good friend tonight and I am afraid that he's not in the best of sorts. I found myself struggling against silence, almost unheard of in our conversations. As soon as I hung up the phone I was in tears... his own melancholy just resonated... I don't know what to do with myself. I am somewhat scared that I am really depressed, these nights just keep repeating themselves, then spill over into the next day, so the cycle of some strange pain can start all over again. Here I think for a second that I have a "plan", a solitary thing worked out in my abyss of a head. All I really have is all I've ever had, and that is nothing...it's beyond not just having the material things, the people, any ounce of power that isn't derived from having tits and ass... It's even the passion I used to cultivate.... Yes, depression.... I should take a couple of tests.
One day I'm up, one day I'm down. I'm up today. I've been up since the day after my last entry, up up up... I am so much in love. I should really be a bit more proactive this evening.. I think I'm having the slightest sense of determination. Having someone to see you through it helps. I want to succeed, to acheive things. And here I was so happy, sloth in tow. Maybe I should shut up. I just really think I've found something untangible, growing more so everyday. I am so tired, I think I should go. My private thoughts are for what I am thinking... but to the readers, few as they are, today was a good day.
My ears really, really hurt. I can hardly hear. It's raining hard on my excuse for a town. I really am trying to hold fast to this sort of optimism I have in my heart, head right now. I'll tell you one thing though; It's all in the chemicals... We are all ruled by one chemical or the other, organic, psychotropic... I could use some nicotine right now... But I know if I smoke too much I'll have to take cans back. What a life... It's so cold here... wet, windy. I'm pretty reluctant to do anything but sit and sleep today... and think about someone... oh and I have things to make... I'll just hide away in my alcove and smoke the cigarettes I know I shouldn't be smoking and waste more precious time. Sometimes I really hate windows... Hey look at me everybody! Merry Christmas! Ok I've got to take this elsewhere.
Sunday today, another lazy day. I'm ok, just staying inside. My back is aching like there is no tomorrow, and there might not be... hey maybe I don't need to look at the Employment section of the paper after all. So quiet in my house, my puny excuse for a town. I wish it would snow. Ok, I'll admit it. I'm watching VH1 again. And now it's confirmed that I HATE THE BEE GEES!!! So yeah, it's another day where I have very little to say. It's odd, because every time I'm alone in my manual world I think of all the things I have to tell everyone in the cyber world, and now that I'm here, there's nothing. How about this? Even though there are many horrors in this world, there are a few really good people. Really good people.
Christmas is coming up really fast. All I want to do is take a dirt nap today.. I'm sad, getting pissed off... Perhaps it's the music. Soon I can be in the arms of the one I long for. Until then.... Well, I'll just have to do my suffering I guess. I wonder where I'm going in all of this... I just don't feel like I can do anything constructive.. I feel like everythings a lie. I know I've just about always felt that way, but so strongly now... there is nothing left, and nothing ever really was. A few stolen moments of complaceny, meaningless.... Someday I know I'll feel the pull of happiness stronger than this pain. But will I ever lose my sense of worthlessness? My inherent melancholy? What do I have to do in this world to persist, to survive, without stepping on toes? Something just doesn't compute. Put cyanide in my water. "'Cos this is hardcore............"
So I was just typing about how quickly Christmas was approaching, now New Year is kicking my ass. What to do? I'll have you all know that I am totally scarificing my sanity to write this entry. My mom is in the kitchen.... making noise. Sometimes..... well, anyway. So I got these gift cards for Christmas and bought a bunch of crap I sort of needed... but didn't really need? My computer wasn't put together for a few days hence the lack of other entries this last week. I'm going out in true alcoholic style and am drinking in the afternoon. (Early afternoon.) This is my first really risque alcoholic venture in a while... but I'm lost, I want to sleep.... I wish mom would stop talking to me. My best friend has turned into Turbo Slut. Drinking is fun, I bet I'll pass out by 3:00pm. Anyway, hope everyone had/has a SAFE AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!! Now I'm gonna polish off the eggnog thats beginning to taste like straight shots of rum.
A new year.. we've passed through such a time... it's so fleeting. Good fake mashed potatoes tonight. I feel as though I could sleep forever. New Years Eve celebration was wonderful, I felt, in place, I suppose. I'm not too concerned with grammar at this point so forgive that. What else? There is so little to say. I'm somewhat tired, a little ripped. Trying to work on being ... productive. Well sometimes you just need a push, some worthwhile interaction and strong realizations which I am having a problem stopping anytime soon (the latter at least). Oh, dear dark night. If only I could make sense of the nothingness all around me. Change must happen soon. All I need is some motivation... at least that's what I keep saying. I must end this... I don't know what's coming of it.
Didn't I say yesterday and in days past change must happen? Well it didn't happen overnight I guess. I can't stop sleeping... I just don't want to be part of this world sometimes. So I sleep, drink, blah blah blah. So strange how we go through so many of the same experiences, as humans... yet end up so varied. I'm not saying we lead a cookie cutter exsistance, at least I hope not. Well I don't care what I am saying anymore. I need to do more laundry.. this old orange soda is not too refreshing.... Kids in the Hall... mmm... banana bread.... I hope my sweetie calls me again tonight. Soon to be in the flesh... must have patience. Ok I'm done. Sorry the last few entires have been so scatterbrained, but who's counting?
Did I just do the dumbest thing possible? For some reason last year I saved a lot of e-mails that din't make me happy and for some reason I just read them... all of them. Be glad to know I then deleted them, but it's the very idea. I need to bathe. Last night was interesting, but not very interesting. I miss being bent, intoxicated most every minute. I need a smoke, or a nap, or ... a job. Closer (maybe?) to that too now. If only I had some experience. So like everytime I write in here I can't think of anything really important to say. I'm thinking I'll just take some herbals and go to sleep. Sleep..... poppies will make them sleep. What I wouldn't give to have a couple hundred dollars today. I need to start taking care of myself. I'm leaving you here. I gotta go... do something constructive, or at least pretend to.
I can't seem to get Cindy Laupers "Time After Time" out of my head. These last few days have been such a rollercoaster, up and down. One minute I'm flying as high as a kite, the next I'm napping with the fishes. I have one main stress right now, and that is that I stand to have a job if I can pass a drug test. I'm going scandalous with this one, baby. And I'm scared, terrified. I feel a lump growing in my throat, a sweet taste in my mouth, and eyes welling up... it must be tears. Yet I was just reeling a few hours ago, with a new pair of pants and half a bag of Hersheys Hugs in me. I don't know if I dig this online life. It was better when I was intoxicated all the time, at least then I could keep myself happy. Oh, and I am fricking FAT! I just thought I should mention it. The holidays brought many gifts, like in that commercial. *shakes the box* "A double chin!?!?" And I will not see a gym for a very long time you can bet. To be happy with myself? pssha. Is anyone else happy with me? Am I paranoid?
This next week is going to be interesting, to say the least. I need a cigarette horribly but let's just pretend I don't smoke for a second. Today was, has been, f-ing empowering. Anyway... So far things have been running very smoothly. I've been getting out of the house, doing neccesary things. Once again, however, I am completely sacrificing my sanity to broadcast my thoughts. Mom is watching Judge Judy in the living room, fifteen feet away from me. That woman has the worst taste in television and music it's not even funny. And what else? I am void, my brain hasn't been working lately. Ok ok ok I can't handle this anymore. I hope everyone is well, all two of you. Someday maybe... anyway... cripes... I can't think of anything to say. And I am getting sick of mom. So, bye. God I wish I had some beer.
All right what news might I have to report? I now have a date and a time that J will be here (in three days!!!). I've been cleaning and doing laundry all day. I was going to have a "day of beauty"... but no, I decided clean socks were enough to pamper me. I did dye my hair purple for the last time... before I report to my new job. Yes, I have finally gotten employed. And no cool hair, no facial piercings... Shite at least I'll have clean socks. I'm hungry. So everything is AOK, at least for this precise moment. I am a total freak and an inept deviant. Anyway, too much TV and not enough fricking sense being made. I'm afraid that I am ignoring my friends, all three of them. But it's going to take mad effort on thier parts anyway. I'm lazy in my own confines, too lazy to even make lunch. I want drunkeness... I must steal wine now.. and look for more clothes. Yip yip.
Madonna's "Bad Girl." It's like plastic sadness.. I really like it, actually. Usually I like glass sadness. I should be cleaning but I refuse. I had to get a few bowls of oatmeal in me. I am so happy to have some great people in my life, even if 99% of the Earth's population still sucks. Damn I have less time than I thought. (Phone calls) I HOPE TOMORROW IS BEAUTIFUL!!! Yes, tomorrow is meeting day and I am excited. I have to pee even, look at this. "Fight the real enemy" Joey Buttafuco? Whatever. Mayhaps I should stop watching MTV VH1 and Comedy Central whist I write in my diary. Erg I don't feel so good, too much oatmeal... And I really ought to wrap this up... trying to think of something to say. Really, there is so little going on today, that has been.... I am going to go away and check the mail and other stuff that means nothing.
I started a job yesterday. Or at least, training. And today, the deepest sadness is embracing me. And J isn't. Well, I shouldn't expect to have anything good in my life except for a job I don't even deserve. Ok look, I don't have much to say and there are other pressing matters to persue, but I'll tell you this: my heart has dropped below ground, I am more unhappy at this moment than I ever was when I was lonesome... and whats the point of any of this anyway? If I decide to go it'll be a secret. I have to go, tuck this pain away somewhere... maybe take a few sleeping pills and wake up tomorrow feeling rested. Now if only I could devise a plan to feel happy. Or even well. How could I be forsaken like that? Taken for granted? Taken for a ride? Why am I such a fool?
Whats the point? Every day I feel like I am an inch closer to heaven only to descend fourty yards back down. I feel wrecked, absolutely lonesome. Soon is sleep, just to wake up at dawn and start the cycle again. I wish I had ... an edge? And not my jagged edges, just some damn sort of advantage in this world. So now it's Jeff Buckley and the hope that the next three days will fly by. Mommas drunk in the bathroom. I just don't know what to do with myself. Don't let me end up like that... don't let me end... just find where I belong and stay there for fucking ever. Errrrrrr!!!!!!!!!! I wish I could just break out and break everything in sight and yell at the top of my lungs but I know that it's a moot point. What is wrong with me? Everyone seems so quick to point out the fact that there's something. Yet others see validity in me, some form of goodness. Night.
Earlier tonight I felt grand, great... happy as a fox.... but then my mother came home.... and that was just the tip of the fricken iceburg. Why am I allowed to only enjoy joy in selected incriments? Excuse my spelling for I have had enough whisky in the past few hours to last.. I dunno, a couple days? I hate where I am right now, and I certainly don't mean geographically, though a change in that would also be wonderful. Jeff Buckley at my side again but nothing seems more fitting at this point. All of my aspirations, shot. All of my dreams, shot. All I have.... fuck it, I don't have anything. Whats the point of even pretending anymore? I belong in the backdrop of some retarded novel. I have a complete abscess. Even the love I assumed I had cultivated seems ... well.. I cannot think of an appopriate synonym, so how about we make it like Mad Libs and you add your own????
Such a pitiful lapse in my entries, eh? Well it all started when I went to work and (thought) I had a boyfriend. Then he left... (I'd like to, but no comment)...and I started actually working instead of just training at my job... then I got sick again. I'm basically in the same position I was ten months or so ago. And how this all equates to my laziness up in here I don't know. I've been pretty sick. I have so little to say, I suppose that's the bulk of it. I was using real honest-to-goodness paper as a journal and lost it as a bus stop (still kicking myself in the head about that)... And what else do we have to report? I've really been horribly homebound and inactive lately. All I really do is smoke eat and sleep. And bathe. My room is cleaner than it has been in 2 years, but that really doesn't amount to much at all. I had a bit of creativity as well as energy course through my veins, but it seeped away. So, yeah, back to business as usual. I'm starting to develop some sort of appetite... And that's all I have for today. I'll try to have an original thought or engage in some original sin next time.
Another lapse. Still just another day, another month of the same nothing. What can I say? I am still not working, not smoking 'cos I'm too broke. I'm dating a friend of mine. I don't know.... I'm really sad tonight. Feels like it doesn't matter, nothing... pure nothing... Oh but how I long for apathy. A vacancy somehow more comforting than the storm in my head. Pounding headache... maybe it's just not on straight. What can I do to be a better person? How good do you have to be before you are immune to the Hell everyone seems so privy to? I'm just too sensitive. I take everything personally... I can not bear the weight of everyones ill behavior. At the same time how can I not? It's the price you pay for having any sort of relationship with anyone of your own species. So, I guess...... come for me in a few years when I become a Cat Lady. I'll tell you if I was right.
Once upon a time I ingested these things ... these horrible tasting things that truly made me happy, truly made me see the err in my ways, truly fused my life with anothers. Another blasted grr!!!!!!!!! My life is far from charmed today. Bobbing on the surface of the ocean... I don't want to be oversensitive. I don't want to be a bitch. But my feelings are hurting. I suppose it doesn't matter. I should keep my mouth shut even though I won't. Fuck you!!!!!!!!!! I just don't know what to do. I am seriously contemplating my actions and emotions and wondering how much it would take to change both of them.... obviously, the things I was holding so dear aren't helping me now. Just how did I change my point of veiw so quickly? Did I sell myself out? Oh God I just might have! I haven't felt like this in quite a while.... Maybe I need to go back to sleep for a few hours or months if possible.
Just minutes ago there was an accident outside of my house. Luckily everyone is fine. The driver, a teenage boy, thinks it's the end of his life. Somehow I feel extremely humbled. Here this predicament, so small, is crushing him beneath it's feet. All around there are people, half to comfort, half curious I suppose. "It's nothing." And you know, in the big scope of things it is nothing. In the big scope of things, "none of this shit is gonna mean shit where we're goin'." (Em) Even if the intense pain of yesterday comes back to haunt me, even if it becomes me .... well, I will survive. And I will paint it in the most brilliant colors indeed.
Whatever I meant when I said whatever I said yesterday I change my mind on. I am so sad. I don't know if it'll ever go away. I am making some massive assupmtions right now, which I know isn't healthy, but I don't see how I couldn't at this point given the circumstances. What the fuck is going on? Am I not worthy of the truth? Why is it my exsistence in question? Here I really thought I had it all. And it slips and drifts and I end up the culprit. 'Cos I'm easy that way, like Sunday morning. Like a lamb. How can I go through so much of this shit and still be so MUTHERFUCKING naive?? Or is it just my pessimism? I don't see how it could be. I can't trust... especially people with a track record. I am left to draw my own conclusions as no one is here to steer me in any given direction. I have no one. How many times can I make this mistake?
Ok this is probably not the smartest thing to do... but shit, this is my diary and no one reads it anyway. Yesterday I finally got the closure I was craving. Had to filter through all this complete bullshit to get it, but there it was. The sadness has ebbed quite a bit. I guess he didn't realize that timing is a big part of tact. And I hate being avoided, more than most things in this world. Especially by any source of my pleasure/pain. And I'm sure most of the world (or most of the people in my world, to be specific) thinks I overreacted... but I fell so hard, so quick... then in a blink it was gone. But you know, nothing lasts forever, and some things don't even last a hour or two. I don't want to be "The Girl He Cheated On"... I suppose that title won't stick for too long. I guess no one really understands how much I gave away in this situation. I tried to put out my whole self, and I personally think I did... but it's all up to individual interpretation... I could just kick myself for thinking that I would be any different. But then again I could kick him for letting me believe it. "Love...... Love Will Tear Us Apart... Again..." I do still have faith. I just need to pace myself. I learn that every god damn time! What a bitch being "hyperemotional."
Boo! Well the storm is over. I quit the job I just got. I have a new boyfriend, one that I'm convinced won't hurt me like the last one. No one really could anyway... I've been happily sober.. well, mostly happy about that. Dealing, coping. I'm not what most people think I am... Thats what I love about this boy. He sees me for what I am. Damnit, I'm sick of not getting credit where it's deserved and getting fed all the bullshit I CAN'T BELIEVE I didn't see through before. But alas, what a learning experience. And all there is to do is trudge through. What a vacancy there was, gaping, for so long. Well, ok, not that long. I have to say I don't feel great for rebounding so quickly. Especially with someone so much older than me and not in the circle or scope or pool. Maybe that's the way it's supposed to be.
Sunday morning, just got back from a night well spent at Motel 6. I am... just... happy..... The clouds (figuratively) are clearing. There has been, not to overuse the concept.... immense clarity brought upon me in the past few weeks. I just wish I could get off my arse and do something about it. But you know... life becomes a little less sullied when you have time to think things through. I've just come to such intense conclusions about my life, as I've probably written before, in part because I've been limiting my intake of intoxicants. I don't want to go back to the life where I didn't feel normal if I didn't "wake and bake". I mean... it was getting bad, and what kind of pansy gets addicited to pot? Anyway... As the days roll on I'm not quite as saddened by the loss of my last relationship.... and not only becuse I found someone else to be fond of. This is going to sound mean, especially if someone stumbles upon it, but I am finding my lovers increasingly mentally sound. I don't crave stability really, but just knowing that someones brainwaves aren't pulled in one direction to the next each smathering second is so reassuring. Now I can't really add to that without sounding like a snooty little brat.... so I won't. I'll just reiterate the fact that I am quite happy at this point in time, and for what it's worth, very well taken care of. I suppose I should take leave of the keyboard and do something more a little more constructive. Adieu.
Today I woke up with one of the worst hangovers. It's been a while. It definately hasn't been much of a day for comfort, pain in every damn crevice of my body. To top it all off, amongst biting into a cheeseburger I totally fucked up the worst tooth I have in my mouth. The pain shot through my whole jaw, on both sides. I don't know what I'm gonna do. I have recurring dreams about losing my teeth... it's usually quite painless. But the fear is intense. I've been having some kinda mood swings today... After the tooth thing I just got sad. I don't know what I feel now. Apathy. Apathy and defeat. I really haven't had a day as bad as this one in a while. Ok, it was a couple weeks ago when I had to dust a thrift store while listening to country music. Now that was a few moments of defeat. I desperately need to get back to work... But I really do hate working and find plenty of other ways to fill my days than having my entry-level ass pacify some power hungry idiots. I mean, working for The Man. Fuck the man.
It's been a long time since I wrote here.... my internet access is probably going to go away pretty soon, so it may be a while yet again after this. It's a gloomy day, which is pretty welcomed by me, as we've been having what most consider "Beautiful Weather" but what I consider "Too Damn Hot." I had a birthday last month... It wasn't a very good time, no party, just one day spent amongst a small number of my family and people I don't consider my family, and a much better day spent with my boyfriend. I am still immensely happy about my relationship... sure, there are things I would change.... but I have hardly ever been treated so well by anyone in my entire life. I think I finally learned the lesson. For years I let others treat me horribly, and I didn't believe I was worth much more. Jesus Christ. And for the record, if one little scumbag finds it necessary to read this (you know who you are... or at least you think you do), thank you!!!!!! I have a much better sense of who I am and what I am capable of, through no help of you and what you saw it fit to do. No, I do not have "issues", and NO PART OF ME IS EMPTY! My smile wide, I will end this.
A new year.. a few things to report. I am still in a relationship that's treating me well, I am taking a few classes at the community college. I have been writing like mad in the last few days, it helps that people are considering it progressive. I just don't get it, I write and philosophize on my own time and I'm a dreg to society, I move it to a different building a few miles away and suddenly I'm accomplishing something! Erg, oh well, I guess I have to jump through some hoops for one reason or another. I should be on-line for at least a month, but who really knows anymore... What else... I have no friends, another reason I was forced to go to school, socialize with someone... anyone... I have other things to write, but a much drunken someone or other is inching her way to my front door and I'm sure she doesn't want to read this.
It seems I can never keep a proper diary, whether it's electronic or on paper. Well, school is great, in fact, today was finals. Now I have two weeks with hardly an obligation. I'm under the impression I earned "A"'s, but it's not much of a feat when you only have two classes. More important is the fact that I actually applied myself, participated, attended, and ultimately rounded out my sense of self-esteem. More than a job ever seems to do for me, but alas, I need to work soon I've decided, even in the midst of this economy which still may or may not be at a recession. (?) My boyfriend quite his job quite hastily, then his car broke down, so we're living off of money his mother gives him combined with my income tax refund and taking the bus wherever we go. If it wasn't a 22-mile trip... oh well... There are some things I could report, but I think I'll keep them personal for now. I'm just happy I finally posted something here.
Well here I am again. I have been trying to write an entry but my computer seems to have other ideas of what I should be doing. I no longer have a boyfriend, to my dismay. His father became terminally ill and he took leave, leaving me in the wake of silence and absence heard to bear. My birthday was a month ago, it was horrible. I went to lunch with my father and dinner with mother, drinking massive amounts. I read most of the parts of my site I had nearly forgotten about.... it's torture. I really don't know why I was who I was nor do I know who I am right now. I am riding the wings of change, but what an awkward transition it is. I'm mellowed, old. I long for the days that excitement came in the form of just being alive. I've even been yearning for the darker parts of my life, at least they were interesting. Alas, I am not full of regrets and sadness, in fact I'm much happier than I have been. But right now in this reflective time, I do miss the girl I am somewhat digusted with.
Quite the conundrum grips me right now. I've been getting a lot more scrutiny for this diary lately than I have kudos, and I'm wondering if there is still a place for it out here in cyberspace. The fact that it's been on-line for two years works in both directions, first, it's hard to invest in something for that long and let it slip away. Second, it seems that these contemplations of the past have little to do with the person I am today. But alas, what do you see when you first glance at the site? Loaded words and phrases like heroin, "faking it", being ripped, etc. I don't think I should be made to justify past actions and past thoughts, but I fear if I leave it here that's what I'll get to do. However, as an artist my primary concern besides expressing myself is expressing myself in ways that others can relate to. So, at least for the time being, this diary is here to stay. No matter what path I take in life, I will face being ostracized. So hopefully I'm right in assuming that there are more people out there who can identify with something on this site, and in the meantime, everyone else can get familiar with my lilly white. As for real life, I'm nervous about starting school again, trying not to let it get to me too much. I'm spending way too much time on-line, in this dream world... In all actuality, it seems even more like a lapse in reality than any of my other compulsive/addictive behavior ever did. So, those who may by involved in what I lovingly refer to as my lilly white, please take that to the bank!!!!!
I am feeling quite secure in my decision to leave this drivel online. What I am not feeling confident about is the caliber of people who read it anyway. How preoccupied can this world really be with sex? I'm one to believe that the central theme in our survival is emotion, reason, not sex. Yes, of course it plays a major role, but without our skills of the brain we'd be animals. No religion (not that that is completely negative), no myths in general, no art, no reason to learn, no music, no cognitive sense. Arg, so that's my big complaint of the day. Where as my talents used to overtake my looks, now it seems my physical being gets all of the compliments. My mind is very unhappy with this turn of events. Too often lately it's been about my lips. "Oh, just look at those lips." Maybe the state's money is being wasted by putting me through college, maybe I should be a lip gloss model. Alas, you only get a glimpse of my personality over text (this has become painfully obvious in recent days). It just feels like everyone I come into contact with is willing to cram me into this tiny box, and like the stubborn lion I am, I want to break out. In the immortal words of my good friend Lisa "You're not the boss of me!!!" Yet there are only so many places I can go without feeling like my identity is lost. A trillion sighs.
A few moments of clarity, the next thing I know I'm cherishing most everything I see. Some clouds have lifted, I feel wonderful. I was quite confused and somewhat sad, but well, now I'm just counting my blessings and waiting for school to begin. I have decided to archive this diary and start anew, then perhaps the division of overgrown teenager and progressive young adult will become more apparent. I do feel it's important to empathize with others, and that is what this diary is about, not exhibitionism. I swear! So, yeah, the more I work on this site the more work it seems I must commit to, but hey, thats how evolution works. So, if anyone is watching, hold on, because things are gonna change around here. :)
