Hello, friend. It's good to see you. Today, you're going to learn a lot about Final Fantasy. Are you the type who likes to go into chat rooms and say, "I am god of all Final Fantasy things?" Have you done that and then had your knowledge put to the test by someone who knew more than you? It's hardly fair, is it? Here you are, a perfectly knowledgeable gamer who has completed Final Fantasy VII a grand total of three times, and someone dares to question your knowledge about those meaningless titles that came before it? You always thought the game was titled Final Fantasy VII because it sounded cool. And even if there were games before it, who gives a rat's ass? They couldn't have been any good, surely. Well, I'm here to help you. I feel your pain. After reading this editorial, you will not only be a god at Final Fantasy; you'll get other people to believe it.

The first thing you need to fake-er, persuade everyone is a knowledge of those past games, and Square as a company. That's really what this editorial is about. So let's get to business.

Squaresoft wasn't always called Squaresoft. They weren't always called Square/EA LLC, either, for that matter. In fact, back in the day, they were just plain 'Square.' So that's your first bit of news. If someone in a chat room looks like he's about to humble you, pull out the, "Yeah, Square has always been pretty cool, but they were better in the NES days" line. This will immediately show that 1) You know Square isn't a new company, and that they once were just plain 'Square' and 2) You appreciate the fact that Final Fantasy VII isn't the first valuable title in the series. Yeah, you might not believe it. You might think it's pure rubbish. But you'll score some serious points with those hardcore gamers who have their heads in the sand.

Okay, so Squaresoft was once called Square. Big deal, right? They made their games for Sony under the name Square and things were groovy. Right? Wrong. For one thing, 'Square,' as I'll call them throughout the rest of the editorial (because that's what hardcore gamers honestly do call them, and I want to look hardcore, here) didn't always work for Sony. Back in the day, there was this weird system known as a Nintendo Entertainment System. People now call it a NES. Anyway, that was the first real system Square knew about that would let them put out their RPG's. Uh, that means 'role-playing games,' in case you didn't know. Final Fantasy games are widely considered RPG's. Anyway, Square developed their early games on the NES. Except they didn't make many games for that system. If you really wanna sound cool, you'll know the titles of the three they made: Final Fantasy, Rad Racer, and Rad Racer II. Yup, one RPG, two racing games. At least in America, which is what this editorial is all about.

Now we've got that straight, and already you sound amazing. You no longer have to worry about quite the opposition. But wait! You still have much to learn, apprentice.

Eventually, Nintendo released the Super Nintendo Entertainment System, which people just call the SNES (always wondered what that stood for, didn't you?). And Square was again on board. And Sony? Uh, they still weren't making systems. Not yet. But they will come in here at the end. So Square can support either the SNES or the Genesis (a game system made by those Sega guys, who oddly were active in the videogame world before the ill-fated Dreamcast). They choose the SNES because they think Nintendo's pretty swell. And of course, at this point, a LOT of people like Nintendo. Anyway, the first game Square made for the SNES was NOT a racing game. In fact, it was Final Fantasy 2. Now, you're probably sitting there thinking, "Uh, that's not so hard to remember. I can handle this." But here's where it gets confusing. Final Fantasy 2 was actually Final Fantasy 4. Seems there are places other than America. One such place is Japan, where they released Final Fantasy 2 and Final Fantasy 3. They were on the NES, but they never came to America. Now, these games weren't really all that good. Most people agree they sucked. To be safe, you should say, "Ah, they weren't all that bad." That way, you sound like you have an opinion on the matter. Score!

So Final Fantasy 2 comes out and gamers finally get to catch up on what they've been missing. Or do they? Here's another important place to pay attention. If you want to sound REALLY cool, just say, "Yeah, but they butchered the translation." Because that's what happened. Square brought the game over to US shores and figured, "Hey, these American folks need it dumbed down." So most of the real text is missing, and some gamers are really pissed about that. Pretend to be one of them, even if you haven't played the game. And complain about how easy they made it compared to the 'pure' version. You'll instantly score some serious points.

Well, despite the butchering (or maybe because of it; you decide which stance you want to take), Final Fantasy 2 was a huge success. So we got the sequel, Final Fantasy 3. Er, uh, no we didn't. After Final Fantasy 2, the next one we saw was Final Fantasy: Mystic Quest. You may have heard of this one. When you went into that chat room and said, "I am god of all Final Fantasy games," someone probably said, "Even Mystic Quest?" didn't they? Obviously, then, you need an opinion on the matter. Here's your opinion: Square made this game in the USA and they made it really easy to get more people to like RPG's. Most true Final Fantasy fans agree that it sucked. If you want to sound smart, that's what you'll say. The truth is that the game was kind of fun. It's just sour grapes you're hearing from most people because of one simple fact: Square screwed us.

And how did Square screw us, you ask? They didn't give us Final Fantasy V. We got Final Fantasy: Mystic Quest, a fairly good game. But Japan got Final Fantasy V, a REALLY good game. It had this tactics system that was later used in Final Fantasy Tactics. We missed out on a major evolution for the series. So that sucked. Anyway, the next game we saw was Final Fantasy VI, which Square sneakily called Final Fantasy III.

At this point, I should say you have to be very careful. It is your job as a Final Fantasy god to say that this game was the greatest in the series. Failure to do so will put your knowledge of Final Fantasy in serious doubt. People won't believe you. So you have to grit your teeth and say this is better than Final Fantasy VII, even if you think that's horse shit. Which you probably do think, as odds are you haven't played this. Why do people think it's so good? Just say 'It has an epic storyline, great characters, and Amano is a god' and you should be safe (Amano is this one artsy guy who designed characters and such stuff for early Final Fantasy titles, in case a newbie in the room happens to ask the question; don't want them blowing your cover). Oh, and say Kefka can beat Sephiroth's ass. Okay, you're safe. Let's move on, shall we?

Around this time, we should take a little side trip to where videogames were progressing. Nintendo was trying to keep up with Sega (there they are again), who had developed lots of new system add-ons for their Genesis. So Nintendo was going to develop a CD add-on. They went to a company called Sony and said, "Hey, develop a CD add-on for us." So Sony said, "Certainly, friends." You see, Sony had developed a bunch of shit titles for the SNES, so they figured they and Nintendo were chums. Then Nintendo changed their minds. "Uh, nevermind, Sony. Screw you. Your loss." Sony was offended, so they worked to develop a system of their own, which we will call... the Sony Playstation!!!!!!!! I thought you would appreciate all those exclamation marks. Anyway, Nintendo had to make a system, they made the cartrdige-based Nintendo 64, and Square (who had announced they would be developing for Nintendo's next system) suddenly said, "Hey, we want discs so we can fill games with awesome movies." So Square then changed over to Sony's camp. Now you know what happened. To sweeten the deal for Sony, they announced numerous games, including... Final Fantasy VII!!!!

So now we're up to Final Fantasy VII and this editorial has gone on nearly long enough. You now can fake Final Fantasy superiority with confidence. You know everything that's essential. Before I go, though, a little trivia to make you sound like the true king. The Game Boy Final Fantasy Legend titles weren't Final Fantasy games at all in Japan; they were Romancing Saga games. Known here as Saga Frontier. Oh, and Square did show an N64 demo of Final Fantasy, which most impartial people (read: not strictly Sony fans) can admit looked pretty sweet.

Okay, that covers everything. You can thank me later. In the meantime, go into a chat room and say, "I am god of all things Final Fantasy." Maybe this time, they won't laugh at you. Too much.

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