The Car Companies are Morons
How about the Ford Jefferson? I'd buy one.
It has come to my attention that car companies have no brains. While this may have been kept a secret for many years, apparently they couldn't keep their mushy noggins to themselves, and had to vent it to the world, like one of those taco-induced farts. Couldn't they just have held it in?
You know what I'm talkin' about - they don't know how to name their automobiles! They spend $300 Billion Gazillion dollars making it have a good cup holder and then.. and then when they hand their prized baby off to the marketing team, what do they get back? The Buick Rondevous. Please.
The average Marketing meeting at Chrysler. Note the president stuffing his head up the Vice President's shirt.
To wit: The car companies let this pack of fools name your automobile. They drink about five bottles of tequila, turn off all the lights, and sit in the dark shouting out names. It's a sort of stream of consciousness, except nobody is really all that conscious. They shout out things like "ESCALATE" and the busty personal Secretary of the VP of International sales scribbles "esCalaDe" on her notepad frantically. By the time anybody with some sense catches on, some elderly fat person is already writing the $48,000 check out for one. Quick! Act like you meant it!
Freedom is At Hand, My Brethren!
No more will we have to put up with being seen in a Cricket, or a Pacer, or a Javelin. No, my children, we shall unloose the shackles that bind us! Execute the marketing teams and you FREE OUR MINDS to see the world of automobiles in new, more enlightening ways! Yes, through the very act of naming our vehicles, they threaten the cognitive freedom we all enjoy. Is a Dodge Intrepid really that intrepid? Until we destroy the ties that bind us, we shall never stand upon the vast plain of disinterested classification and look upon the work of our hands with satisfaction!
Thus a possible first phase of this operation calls for the total, complete reformation of all Marketing teams at all car companies. You may run into some resistance initially, but I have some "foreign" connections that will provide you with the highest grade Vietnamese Rubberized Fat Slappers (e-mail torode@starband.net for more information - mention my name and get a 10% discount!), which we will re-name the "Integrity Premier LE" to better reflect our hatred for the Auto Industry's mandarins. We plan to equip 100 Integrity Premier LE users by the end of the month. They will be the ultimate in state-of-the-art technology. Here is what the an early version of the machine looks like:
Ahh... it reminds me of my own days in uniform, back in my youth. I was a devil-may-car Jackanapes for the Light Infantry. I'll put a picture up here so you can see what a card I was. "Old Two-Eyes" they called me.. I once bagged 128 Swedes in a single afternoon. It was for this great deed that I earned the Victoria Cross.
The Plan
Alright, so here's the plan - Sprong Sprong Sprong. What we need to do is get ahold of these miscreants and run them through the Integrity Premier LE so that they will no longer taint our fatherland with their obtuse naming conventionisms. We will reform them so that they will make sense - naming their cars things like "The Chrysler Bolt-Bucket" or the "Pontiac Pre-Trashed". Honest car names that will attract the appropriate number of car buyers to their products. I can imagine a time when three, maybe four of Chevrolet's hot new "Turd-on-Wheels" line fly out of the showroom in a given year!
This lofty goal can be accomplished through a two part-scheme. Firstly, We must build the Integrity Premier LE's main Converitberizer-Defribilization device. The plans for it are quite simple and can be constructed from any household components at hand. Here's the blueprints:
As you can see, the design is really quite elegant, and utilizes the latest in TimeCube technology. With an added power take-off on the noodle end, it can even be converted into a three-part harmonic balancer suitable for any small sit-com application.
First, take the noodle box and cut the back side out of it. Make sure it's one of those with the cellophane view window - the other ones don't have enough latency to enact the desired results.
Next, find a large can of peaches and a box of toothpicks (Matches would work, too, but the matches could cause flux if not handled properly). Take the peaches out of the can and impale them on the toothpicks, which are then stuck through the top side of the noodle box (Not the side with the cellophane). Then install the warp device from the open side, making sure to keep the label visible through the cellophane.
The warp device is the tricky part. If you're no good at soldering, and don't have a fuel relay laying around, I'd head to your nearest Radio Shack and buy a pre-made one. They're on the shelf by the 3-phase diodes. It's really a small investment, and the long term warranty they give you may make it all worthwhile.
Orgolo lives on a mountain top in Hungary - through the goblin forest and just before the ice-giants (You'll see the entrance to the mountain path on the left if you click the trees out of the way). In order to obtain his device, you must first pass the seven trials of the firesnake. This shouldn't be too hard, because there's a cheat guide online, and you can always hack into it and make your stats unlimited. The real problem is the time limit - you'll only have 4 minutes to hit all of the worms with the hammer, and goodness knows - that's not nearly enough time. I recommend casting a Haste spell before you speak to Orgolo, because he'll confiscate all your runes when the test starts.
All that's left are the colored blocks. No problem, right? WRONG! Colored blocks may be plentiful, but they're mostly of a poor quality. I recommend only the Hasbro ones, since they are made of high-impact plastic and bear the unmistakeable stamp of true Taiwanese craftsmanship.
Once everything is in place - you can.. You can...
Dammit - what were we doing with this thing? And why are my hands all sticky with peach juice!?