The Verafides FAQ
For Stupid People who Have no Brains but Lots of Questions
Thomas Jefferson didn't ask Questions - He Answered them!!
In the interest of preserving knowledge on all fronts, we have decided to compile a list of most frequently asked questions, with the hope that all you e-mail swine out there will see your question already answered and use your fingers for something else (most likely picking your nose). So without further wailing at the wall of interminable iniquities, let us begin.
Do you really hate everyone?
Yes. Well, no. I would hate everyone if I paid enough attention
to notice. Ignorance is bliss.
What's the best car for the 2002 model year?
Without a doubt, it has to be the 1986 Toyota Camry. Twice the gas
mileage of any other car in its class, and you won't feel so bad when the Ford
Abomination driven by a half-wit Cowgirl crushes your hood in - that way it will
just match the back end. Also, you can leave it unlocked in public and
nobody will bother it. The plush interior is good for driving naked, if
you're into that.
Do you like to drive around naked?
No, but I have great sympathies for the Naked Motorists of our great
Country. Especially the brave Naugahyde pioneers of summer time.
Nothing says dedication like 2nd degree butt burns with fabric seams on them.
Why do you hate America so much?
Because I am a red communist sent here to demolish this country from the
inside. I secretly hate capitalism and apple pie, and freedom. And
that's why I'm here as a covert operative - to make Americans weaken their nerve
and sink into the mires of moral relativism. To make them doubt their path
so that we red communist pinkos (in alliance with Castro and the Chinese), can
sweep in and take you all over. The only way to stop us is to bomb third
world countries into the stone age - that and complete, blind support of
Israel. If you continue to do those things, then us America haters will
grit our teeth and froth with impotent rage - just like Rush Limbaugh
predicted. Either that's why I hate America, or you need to disconnect
that IV from the television.
Did you read ____ by ____?
Yes, and I think it really had a lot to say about the modern experiences of
the budding intellectual-reactivist within the framework of
disempowerment. In these times of constant flux, it is important to be
mindful of the truths brought to light by the interdisciplinary approach of this
author. Truly, our codex of human experience in the post-modernism
neo-pagan 21st Century would not accurately bespeak itself of multi-racial
ethnicity unless we fully internalize the non-combative watchwords of this
author's quasi-industrial verbage. Either that, or I'm bluffing.
Is Megan Really as Hot as They Say?
The simple answer to this question is: No. Hell no. For the love
of everything that is Holy and Sacred no. Don't make me cry - I have the
orphans to think of.
What is Bob doing?
Nobody knows. Bob doesn't come out of his room that much these days,
which is just fine with the rest of us, since his bladder control problems have
really begun to cause us (or at least those of us who live below him) serious
grief.
What's your favorite band?
Oh, pretty much the usual. In the summer I like to listen to Colonel
Pigwiggin's Electric Sugardaddy, but that's been 'done' now. I have found
that repeatedly jamming ball point pens into my ears is a more pleasant and
rewarding listening experience than anything played on the radio today.
Where do you come up with all these
crazy ideas?
Well, that's the million dollar question, isn't it? I could go into a long
talk about "artistic inspiration" and "where does 'art' really
ever come from?" Or I could give you the short answer - LSD and the
Rocky and Bullwinkle Show.
Did Marion really bite you on the
leg?
Yes, she did - striking a blow for idiot feminist females with too many
hormones and not enough genitalia everywhere! It wasn't even the
worst of it - my kitchen table's legs are all broken now. Remember what
Bob Barker says, folks; Always have your pet spayed or neutered.
Are you a Babe Magnet, Verafides?
Not so much a magnet as a vortex. They all want to run their fingers
through my grizzled beard - the ladies are pushovers for grizzled beards.
That and my Frat connections. It's amazing what a little Everclear will do
for your chances with the ladies!
How old is your Pencil Collection?
2 years, 9 months, 17 days and 21 hours.
Can we see your boobs?
No, nobody gets to see my boobs. Besides - They're not done growing
yet, but another few months at this damn desk job, and I'll be big enough for my
own Victoria's Secret catalogue.
What is the secret connection
between you and the Turks?
In 1947, under the auspicies of the Franco-Prussian alliance, I was given
the task of providing the Turkish resistance with munitions and supplies, while
keeping my country's hands clean. Such are the duties of a man in war, and
yet, I felt vaguely disconcerted when I found out that the 'Turks' were, in
actuality, The Red Chinese. Damn my lack of Geographic knowledge!
From then on, I've felt a special bond with Turks everywhere - mostly due to the
tattooes.
Where do you live?
I'm dead, actually, and have been since a sniper shot me in the head during
the Franco coup. It's offensive to ask dead people where they 'live', and
I wish you'd consider my feelings before asking questions like this.