Man-Butt Theory: An Answer to Society's Sexual Puzzle
Thomas Jefferson: A Possessor of a Man-Butt
Introduction
Our society has many complicated issues regarding sex. While many people have attempted to explain these issues in historical and sociological terms, their failures have been complete and obvious. Simply put, no one seems to be able to understand what it is that drives men and women to such extremes in their relatinoships.
Among these issues is the confusing behaviour that men and women exhibit when pursuing eachother. To better understand this, we will first show a prototypical model couple and record a transcript of their date interaction. This data will then be plotted along a curve for better understanding. After this, we here at the MBTI will propose a new method for understanding this interaction - hypothesized as Man-Butt Theory.
Meet Alfonse
Alfonse is 23 and lives with his girlfriend in Greenfield, Wisconsin where he works at a Fruit Canning Plant full-time. He enjoys riding his ATV and playing pick-up basketball with his friends. A regular guy and a perfect candidate for Man-butt studies.
Meet Kari
Kari is originally from Ithaca, New York where she went to Ithaca Polytechnic and got a degree in Counseling. She currently works as the front desk clerk at the Holiday Inn in Thorpe, Wisconsin. She is Alfonse's girlfriend.
The Evidence
Alfonse's Butt drawn by a fellow student named Kevin at Greenfield Community College. No real pictures exist, unfortunately, which hinders our study. Please note the copious amounts of hair and the bread-dough-like shape.
Transcript of Social Interaction
Alfonse: Hey Kari, wanna screw? I'm wearing my thong. This will only take a minute, I promise! *begins to take off pants*
Kari: (pause) Hey look - Oprah has another book out! I can't believe she reads so many books every year - I couldn't handle that, honestly. I don't have that kind of time to devote to reading. I mean, I should, but it just isn't ever possible. Maybe if I traveled more, I could read on the plain. I think reading is such a great way to improve the mind because -
Alfonse: Hey, I'll be late for basketball practice if we don't do this in the next 20 minutes. Do you or don't you?? *pants half off*
Kari: - it makes you really have to use your imagination. I mean, Toni Morrison isn't a movie director yet - I mean, I wish to God she was, but she's not, so there's no way that she can put the images THERE for you, you know? You just have to keep on imagining things on every page until you're at the end of the book, and I think that must be like SO good for my brain. I mean, I'm independant and everything, and I like Xena as much as the next tough chick, but I like to develop my mind sometimes, too, you know?
Alfonse: *pulling pants back on* Dammit, Kari, now I'm late. We'll have to do it later. Can you wait till then?
Kari: Actually, I'm going to be working late tonight, so don't wait up, kay? *kisses him on cheek and runs our door*
Alfonse: Damn, I'm hot.She wants me so bad.
Analysis
This interaction is viewed as typical of their relationship. Note first the avoidance of the sex issue by the woman, undoubtedly triggered by his mention of thong underwear. Further, the man seems to be totally oblivious to this very real effect on his procreation chances.
When plotted against each other, an interesting trend emerges. It becomes apparent that the man's possession of a Man-Butt is detrimental to his copulation opportunities, as the following Graph shows.
Figure 1
This data enables us to propose a formalization of the man-butt issue:
A man's butt is an impediment to his sex-appeal.
Possible Counter-Examples
Although the case for this is clear, there is a noted exception to man-butt theory as stated; Mainly, homosexual men. It would appear that they violate man-butt theory at every turn. Instead of being revolted by man-butt, as every sensible woman is, these men appear to be drawn to it as though it were a vortex of love.
However, this is not troubling, as their extreme ostracism from society, especially when compared to the relatively warm reception lesbians get, is clearly related to their violation of the understood Man-butt social maxim that has been previously established.
Why Do Women Like Men at All?
This question would also appear to cause problems for man-butt theory. Women do, indeed, have sex with men - and on a regular basis. There are several possible reasons for this - either stupidity by the females (which has been proposed by many researchers, and may sometime soon bear fruit in the research), or blindness. No other excuse for these random acts of man-butt acceptance would seem acceptable, given the obvious distaste for man-butt and the societal constraints against its acceptance.
That being said, some noted research has been done by Megan Byrd and Jane Ritenour (Ritenour: 2001) which would seem to support the blindness hypothesis. They surveyed women about men's butts, but instead of merely asking for their opinions, they placed the women at a determined series of distances from the bare man butt in question. The results were astounding.
It was shown that the women generally reacted favorably to the man-butt when placed at a safe distance (A minimum of 15 feet). Their sexual reaction to the man-butt was a mimicry of male behaviour - with much hooting and cat-calling. This initially puzzled the researchers, but as the butt was brought closer, the women began to have more negative reactions. This showed to vary inversely with the distance, and can be summed through what has been called Jane's Addendum in the field.
Man-Butt Sex-Appeal is inversely proportionate to Distance
Final Analysis
So clearly, men have ugly butts and these are a handicap to their sex appeal. This handicap, when realized by females, gives them extreme power in the realm of sexual interaction. The end result is that women can choose whicherver man they wish to have sex with, but men, in turn, must be satisfied with whichever female is willing.
Solutions
There are several possible solutions to this problem for men, but none of them are easy.
Lowering the lighting in nudity situations has been recommended by some man-butt scientists, but this will only work for so long.
Others, most notably the German scientist Werner VonMutton, have proposed a gigantic mirror that can deflect light from the man's but onto surrounding objects, thus making it appear to be non-existant.
Clearly, however, the only real solution is surgery or prosthetics. Several options are available, but none of them are completely satisfying.
The padded, butt-enhancing briefs will gain more women friends for the alpha-male, but eventually, the woman will indeed see his actual but for what it is - a saggy, hairy pimento loaf without the nice color.
Conclusion
While it may be nice to propose these superficial solutions, the only real solution is increased acceptance of man-butt. For too long, the male of the species has had to shelter his posterior from public perusal, but this only leads to serious self-loathing and sexual disempowerment. The MBTI would like to take this opportunity to make a call to women everywhere to open their arms to their man's butt and embrace it for what it is - the butt of your man. Only with this sort of open-embrace can men ever have a prayer of getting the chicks they deserve.