Ask Trixie-Mae
We're the most beautiful couple ever, don't you think?
Hello all you adoring Fans out there in Internet land! Kiss kiss! It's everyone's favorite Charmed-Life expert here - set to dish advice on all of the hardships I've endured and all the things I've learned. Yes, my long list of intellectual credentials coupled with my own personal experiences have combined to make me, quite possibly, the most educated, most blessed, most artistic, most common-sense gal this side of the Holy Virgin. Don't believe me? Just ask the publishers of my latest book - "Everything a mother needs to know about having Babies, by a Baby expert". If that doesn't convince you, check out my website where all my thought-provoking articles on various Evangelically-allowed topics are set out like jewels pulled from the depths of the ocean. www.boundless.org
Latest News
Guess what? New pictures of our darling baby are
in! Can you believe it? It seems like only yesterday that we took
them. Well, come to think of it - it was yesterday. But that's
beside the point! We soon hope to have the Baby website up, and there will
be so many pictures on it that you will be able to see Baby's arms move and his
face giggle when you hit the "forward" button fast enough. But
just for the moment, he's a picture of my husband's father reading to our little
bundle of Joy:
He loves the Fire Engine story best. Isn't he just a doll?
Anyway, enough about me, let's talk about YOU!
The Letters
Dear Trixie-Mae,
My husband of 15 years left me last week for my 16-year old
cousin. We have four children, and I just found out yesterday that I'm
pregnant. He can't be found for child-support, and I have no job and no
money, and I don't know anybody else in this city! They're going to evict
me this week, because I can't pay the rent! What am I going to do?!
Please help!
- Implosion in Compton
Dear Implosion,
Boy! Sounds like a bunch of bad luck there! Too bad for
you, I guess. You should have prayed more - God never deserts the pious, you
know! At least you didn't use birth control, confirming that you have
accepted and understood your rightful role as Baby-Machine - anything less would
have been selfish of you. Obviously you weren't faithful enough on other
issues, otherwise this hardship would have been passed on to someone more
deserving (Like a Democrat or a Brown Person - unless you ARE Brown or a
Democrat, in which case I'd say it's about right).
Well, here's what I would do - have your parents take the
kids for the evening (per usual), then get a big tub of your favorite ice cream
and eat it all. After that, let your artistic side come out for a moment -
decorate your phone with flowers or put up some filmy white curtains. It's
guaranteed to make you feel better!
One you're emotionally under control, go pay your rent.
It's only money! You have some of that, right (I assume your claims of
"no money" were really more of an irrational over-reaction)?
It's not hard to come by - goodness knows, I have far more than I know what to
do with. I'd give you some, but then I wouldn't be a good steward.
Don't worry about the new baby coming! My baby was so
easy and enjoyable that all the sacrifices were relatively easy to make.
One baby is easy - 5 should be just as easy. Easy multiplied by 5 is still
easy, right?
If none of these things work, consider filling out my
"Trixie-Mae Charity-Pet" application. Yes, if you're lucky enough to be chosen, I will personally bring you insufficient amounts of food coupled with my caring advice about how to be more like me so that these things won't
happen to you next time. As an added perk, I will make a hand-puppet in
your likeness and use it at prestigious Christian/Republican parties to chuckle
about your rustication and backwards ways - hey it's a small price to pay for
all that good Macaroni Casserole! You should be so lucky.
Love in Christ!
Dear Trixie-Mae,
My husband and I are embroiled in a theological dispute with
my best friend. She is questioning basic parts of our Faith, and, worst of
all, some of what she says appears to make sense. My husband is in a
quandry about what to do, and I am afraid that it will affect our friendship for
the worse. What should I do?
- Puzzled in Peoria
Dear Puzzled,
What's the problem here? It doesn't matter how much
"sense" this "friend" of yours makes. The fact that
she is sowing discord and causing you to question accepted rules of our
Orthodoxy shows without a doubt that she is a tool of Satan. I know you
probably have happy memories of flowers and star counting - I know there's
probably sweet plans you made as children. But what is 15 years of your
young life when Dogma is involved, really? It's time to take a stand - the
world isn't wide enough for your friendship, sadly. Purge this evil from
your life before it worms its way into your inner most sanctum! Besides,
you have a marriage to think of!
Easiest way to do that - send inflammatory e-mails and then
don't respond when she writes back. Eventually, she'll be so heart-broken
and disgusted that you'll be saved the difficulty of any face-to-face
confrontations. This also helps if your husband is the cowardly type, who,
although he is always right in everything, would just not hold up well in a
direct verbal confrontation. After you're done trashing her, I'd also
recommend doing some damage control with the family - best done by editing all
the letters to make everything as clear on paper as it already was in your head.
Love in Christ!
Dear Trixie-Mae,
I'm currently working on translating the book of Matthew from
the original Koine Greek. I'm having a problem, though. The word dedomenon
keeps popping up, and I can't figure out it's form. The Orthodox
translation reads "Will be bound", but this appears to be Neuter
Nominative Plural Perfect Passive, whereas the Catholic translation is
Neuter Nominative Plural Future Passive. How do I account for this
discrepancy? Is there some difference between Latin and Greek that would
explain it?
- Flummoxed in Sussex
Dear Flummoxed,
Since I have an intimate knowledge of the Greek language,
having spent almost a half-hour of my life studying it in a correspondence
course, I feel confident in saying that - whatever your question means - the
Catholic Church is correct. The, uhh, word you have there is obviously
best translated by the choice made in the King James and in the Latin
Vulgate.
Frankly, I'm a little concerned about your tendency to put
your own scholarship over that of the Orthodox conception of things. Such
arrogance is not tolerated in Christian circles, and I think it would be best if
you put down the Greek right now - before you run into more temptations and
naughty ideas. It's already translated into English anyway - why would you
need Greek? That's what we have Church Fathers for.
Love in Christ!
Dear Trixie-Mae,
I came home from work today to find my oldest son blasting
some very loud music from his bedroom. We had a confrontation over it, due
to my concerns that it was full of sinful words, but he claims that his music
isn't at all wicked and that I should listen to it before I condemn it. Do
I have to do this, or should I simply lay down the law?
- Confused in Cornwall
Dear Confused,
Hey that question sort of answered itself didn't it?
When my children are old enough to do things like that, you can be sure they
won't. I'm not letting them watch TV or listen to any of that sinful
music, and I wonder how you let your parenting get out of control to the point
where your son has even brought this sinful Discordant music into your house.
You don't have to listen to the lyrics to know it's bad
music! I mean, listen to the beat and the loud guitars - that's enough to
know it's corrupting. It's not like Tori Amos' pretty piano music, or U2's
catchy Pop tunes - which are, most assuredly, pure as the driven snow. No,
music itself has a message in it - and that message is Discord and Hatred of all
that is Upright and Respectable. If you don't believe ME, ask Doctor
Dobson.
We, as Christians, are called to be separate from the
world. What this means is that we are, in fact, better than the
world. Their problems and their rage is really no concern of ours.
Trying to understand it at all would risk polluting our sanctified minds with
the contortions of the devil. Our time is much better spent purchasing big
ticket items, listening to Top 40 hits, and reading books that we already agree
with. This last facet is the most important - since you are sanctified and
above the world, the things you like are sanctified by simply being approved of
by you. You don't have to look any further than that - the music is evil
simply because the Sanctified don't like it.
So what I would suggest you do is retake your rightful role
as the Authority Figure in your house and seize all these sinful albums.
Your son will thank you for it, years from now, when his head is finally clear
of all the wickedness he's been putting in it. Take him out for Ice Cream
or Thai Food, and hold his hand in a heart-rending way while you tell him about
your Father's Heart, and the tough choices you have to make in order to lead a
God-centered life. And then buy him some Jars of Clay albums. Boy,
will he like that!
Love in Christ!
Dear Trixie-Mae,
I fled with my family from Cambodia fifteen years ago because
of the Khmer Rouge. They shot my husband to death in front of my eyes and
raped my oldest daughter until her insides came out. I was powerless to
stop them, and when I fought them, they cut my tongue out and broke both of my
legs. I crawled through the jungle for 10 days before I was rescued by
Jesuit Missionaries and taken to this country.
My problem is that, despite how wonderful America seems, I am
not happy. I cannot get the images of my lost family out of my head.
I spend entire nights crying because of the bad dreams. Now I find that I
can't eat much, and also, because I can't walk well, I was fired from my
job. Please give me some Christian advice so that I may take comfort.
- Decimated in Detroit
Dear Decimated,
Well, your first mistake was being rescued by Jesuits.
Those fools don't have their doctrine straight at all, and they probably filled
your head full of lies about God and Christ and His Church. You should
have kept crawling until you came across some Baptists or Lutherans, because
they would have surely gotten your head on straight about these things before
sending you off to Paradise in America. You'd probably even have your own
SUV by now, instead of being a self-pitying whimperer who has let victimhood
become a way of life. You need to take charge of your own life before
someone else takes charge of it for you.
We have armed guards here so that stuff like this doesn't
happen to us. Whatever your "Kmer Roug" was, it certainly was
not the government - and I know that because I can always trust government
guards. Seeing them at the airport makes me feel safe, with their
high-powered rifles and combat fatigues. I know that having armed
government troops everywhere is the surest way to prevent that kind of thing
from happening here - whatever "that kind of thing" is anyway. I
hope the knowledge of this will make you feel much safer at night - I know it
sure works for me!
As for all that nasty stuff about the "Kmer Rouge" or
whatever they're called, I'd really appreciate it if you didn't bring up that
kind of vulgarity here - I had to cut most of it out for this website!
This is a family column, and we don't take kindly to crudity and
obscenity. I don't know what you think you went through, but it doesn't
give you an excuse for describing that kind of upsetting imagery. If I
understood half of what you were talking about, I'm sure I'd be too upset to go
out for Pizza tonight with my family. Thanks for nothing - your
inconsiderate behaviour has cost the rest of us some happiness!
Love in Christ!
Dear Trixie-Mae,
I am in somewhat of a moral quandary. I am a college student at -NAME WITHELD-, and one of my friends here is a literature major. She is reading a book called "Lolita" by Vladimir Nabokov. Have you ever heard of this book? My friend was talking about it the other day, and I became very upset. You see, this book has SEX in it, apparently. And not just some kissing and junk. It even involves a young girl! What do I tell my friend to get her to stop reading this trash?
- Seeking Wholesomeness in New England
Dear SWINE,
Wow, that's awful! I can't believe some of the books that our Universities force people to read. This is one of the reasons why I'm against education - it just exposes our minds to things outside of the love of Jesus - which is what we should be thinking about all the time. One of my deepest commitments is to help other young girls see that the true, godly way for a woman to live is to be an "ignorant" housewife with lots of children - like me. Ignorant in the world, but not ignorant in the Lord! Not on your life!
Slaving away here in my pristine garden-like setting in small-town America, with my doting family just down the road and the house paid for with my husband's stay-at-home job, I can only take comfort in the joy that it brings me to use my vast verbal and intellectual gifts to bring other girls to my way of life. After all, if the message of God incarnate, transmitted via the Christian religion, isn't best represented by my personal opinions - then, well, what are opinions FOR? That's just like the evolutionist mind-set of the modern world - they think opinions are like the tail-bone - some vestigal organ - instead of a god-given way of transmitting Holy Truth to the ignorant. Well, I guess it's better to be a Fool for Christ, than loved by the world!
So anyway, Flummoxed, I guess I'd better get to your question - although I hope you enjoyed that fully-copyrighted lecture I just gave, because not just anyone gets paid by the word like I do. Anyway, what you need to do is two things, and I'll list them individually, since it's easier than doing it the other way.
First, you need to drop out of school and get pregnant (get married first, since you can't have a baby without a man. If you can find out a way to have God Himself get you pregnant, PLEASE let me know - as of now, the love letters and the sacred candles aren't working.). Once the heavenly hormones of motherhood begin coursing through your veins, you will find that you have a near direct-line to God, much like the Pope.
The second part of your duty can be fulfilled once you're at least full-term. You see, once you're outside of the rarified ivory-towers of academia, you'll be better equipped to do battle with them. You can cut through their mumbo-jumbo and rebuke them with righteous, unworldly opinion. So then you can go to your friend and tell her lovingly and compassionately that college and education are not good for her. She should also quit this program of filthy debauched literature, and return to a love of the classics.
Now, this is where you can really change her heart. Instead of just condemning her current reading tastes - offer her some constructive alternatives! My husband has cultivated a deep love of the classics, and he has some wonderful recommendations. First, she can wash her mind of the wickedness of sexual impurity with a good dose of the ancient classics. Try Plato's Symposium - I have a very great love of Plato's works (coupled with my God-given expertise in the classical languages), and I can confidently say that none of his works have any naughtiness in them whatsoever. Plato's philosophy is the foundation of our great modern intsitutions, and will provide your friend with ample ammunition to defend these institutions from their modern attackers. In his works, you will find faimly values and a love of faith held at the forefront, unlike today's post-modernist lies. As for fiction, I would suggest William Faulkner's books, since they're so alive and interesting. He has none of that wicked, idle verbosity that is so often found in modern literature like Toni Morrison and the like. I also am convinced that Mr. Faulkner was a deeply religious man, since not an iota against either religion or society's highest institutions can be found in any of his works. Yes, have her move back to the classics, where her mind will be well cared-for.
Although, on second thought, that really is better left to men. Just find her a good man, and get her pregnant. Won't it be delightful when you both have toddlers together? Send me pictures!
Love in Christ!
Trixie-Mae's Thought of the Day
Hey everybody! Let's think about FLOWERS!
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