Behold the Wellspring of My Genius!
The Rise of the WisdomClown is to be hailed as a New Era in Mankind's Evolution.
One of the few Publicly-Available photos of the Wisdom Clown.
Having read and memorized all of my wise sayings and unending wisdom, you may find yourself asking "Just how is it that this crazy guy comes up with so much wisdom?!" Well, my friends, there is but one answer - the WisdomClown. I know, I know, you think it's not for real, and you may ask yourself how this whimsical Man-Sculpture from the Pre-Apocalupse could have any significance, but that's because you're STUPID and EVIL, and you wouldn't know Wisdom if it signed your Social Security checks. In fact, the WisdomClown radiates an unholy power. It has a magnetic, vortex-like appeal that can be easily noted by the many cats and small rodents I peel from its surface daily. Yet what really makes it oh so toe-tappingly good is simple fact that, when placed against your skull, it sends Wisdom shooting into your skull at a bandwidth of immeasurable volume.
Oh where to begin? Firstly, Billy Joel never saw this one coming - I mean, he may have taught us all a little history with his loveable hit "We Didn't Start the Fire", but that's not really anything compared to the WisdomClown. Alex Chiu - smart guy, but no WisdomClown prophet.
There are many reasons to love the WisdomClown. Firstly, it speaks Japanese - and isn't Japanese a lovable language? They sound like little forest critters, and who can resist a doe-eyed school girl shouting "ANDANAINO WATASHI EH??" With WisdomClown, you'll never endure Gaijin shame again!
Second on the long list is that the WisdomClown cleans while it brightens. And that's not just some empty TV promise. No sir, the WisdomClown will defeat all comers when it comes to sparkling Lemon Freshness! Just look at this InfoGraphic for undeniable proof! Not that this time WisdomClown has his wheels extended for Mobile Indestructable Armor Force Mode G7 (Addressed later on).
Here, we can see the destructo rays coming from his eyes as they wipe out several of the more deadly sins - AND leave the whole area fresh and lemon-scented! Thank YOU, WisdomClown!
Obviously, not a day goes by that somebody doesn't ask about Wisdom Clown's famed Mobile Indestructable Armor Force Mode G7. Wouldn't you like to know more about how it works? So would we all, so would we all.
As the blueprint clearly shows to any half-witted crap-flinger amongst our simian friends, the Wisdom Clown has an internal mechanism that allows him to transform into all manner of tomfoolery and chicanery-induced Sacraments.
Another important thing to remember about Wisdom Clown is that he will neither Expand the Government NOR Raid Social Security. He has a built in lock box for just such an occasion. And you can Trust WisdomClown! He means what he's saying, and he says what he's meaning! And if you don't believe me - check with some of our famous clients:
"Before WisdomClown, I drank
14 pints of Whiskey every morning with my raw eggs.
I used to cry myself to sleep while the TV blared Montell reruns. Now, I
don't even notice."
- HackBarth the Stuntman
"Can you tell what language this is? If you can,
you could become a Military
Cryptographer for the US Navy!" - Naval Recruiting Officer
"It's so springy and fluffy! Thank you WisdomClown!" - Marlene of Westside Malt Liquor
As if these things aren't enough (and they should be, except that you've been jaded by your greedy television lifestyle), WisdomClown also comes with a Sidekick - Gorgeous Barney.
Now, you'd think that Gorgeous Barney would stand for Wisdom just like WisdomClown does. Well, you'd be wrong. Gorgeous Barney is all about the booze and the ladies. He's really much more of a Symbol of All That is Wrong with Humanity. Oh yes, much can be learned from Gorgeous Barney - but only through the penetrating gaze of One who is mentally (and physically) connected to the WisdomClown. Gaze upon Gorgeous Barney and be thankful for the WisdomClown!!
I am glad you asked. WisdomClown teaches a simple set of rules that, when followed, Guarantee limitless happiness and permanent Enlightement.
It's really not so hard, either! Because WisdomClown is about the head and the hands, it is important to watch what you put into them. Follow the Shining 9-Part Rules of Harmony, as laid out in the Principia WisdomClownia.
Avoid a High Fat Diet.
Avoid a Low Fat Diet.
Avoid Sugar.
Do not eat any animal products.
Eat nothing that has touched your own hands, as the hands are sacred.
Do not let your lips sully the food that you eat.
Avoid all plant matter in your diet.
Because the head is sacred, do not allow pollutant air of any kind to enter it from any orifice. We recommend Blue Silicone RTV as the best way to holiness.
Giving is good - donate your money to the WisdomClown fund when you pass on, which, because of the WisdomClown's laws, will NEVER happen. So what's the risk?