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Cornered
Chapter 2: Decisions, Decisions
Yamato picked mindlessly at the steaming bowl of instant noodles in front of him. A textbook laid open unread and thrown off to the side. He sank deeper into the couch, letting the distracting images on the television fight off unwarranted thoughts. It had been a month since he ran out on his own wedding, since everything he believed in so fervently seemed to flip upside down.
He had a long walk home that day, strolling aimlessly through Odaiba’s congested and winding streets, replaying Tai’s words. It was strange to be heard out loud, realizing that the idea wasn’t as ridiculous as he would’ve thought previously. He had always assumed they were just very close friends; maybe he was wrong. There might have been a time when he had hoped for more, but even then it was only a ‘might.’ The matter was serious and confusing. He had collapsed onto the couch once he opened his apartment door, lying there for hours watching the subtle patterns on the white ceiling shift and change as the sun sank behind the cityscape. When there was no more light but the dim afterglow of neon signs and fluorescent lamps outside, he flicked on the television.
The telephone rang halfway through a commercial, three rings before his answering machine picked up. Takeru’s voice came tentatively from the speaker. “Oni-san? If you’re there, please answer the phone. Everyone’s worried about you. Are you there?”
Yamato sat up and watched the little tape in the machine turn and let Takeru plead to silence. When TK had finally given up and the little wheels had stopped turning, he fell back onto the sofa and regained his previous stupor . He clicked the television shut and closed his eyes to sleep, mind swimming with a million half thoughts.
He awoke the next morning to sharp knocking on his apartment door, bang, bang in the morning quiet. Groggily he dragged himself up, and peered through the door’s peep hole. His brother’s curved image fidgeted nervously on the doorstep, his spherical fist rising to strike the wood again. Matt opened the door peremptorily, facing Takeru with a blank face. Yamato wasn’t a reassuring sight, creased and wrinkled in his wedding clothes, sofa moulded hair, eyes that strained to stay open.
Takeru hurried inside, dragging his brother behind him. “You look like hell. What’s going on Matt?”
Yamato sighed, half a dozen false starts caught in his throat. He sank listless into the couch once more. “It’s complicated.”
TK nodded sympathetically, tactfully, irritatingly composedly. “How about we take it slow, from the beginning? What made you stop the wedding the first time?”
Matt refused to answer, swathing himself in silence. But eventually he caught TK’s expectant gaze and forced himself to speak, testing the words slowly on his tongue. “There was something wrong. I saw…I saw Taichi and Hikari and I knew it was something important.”
TK nodded, the epitome of a therapist, sitting professionally on the sofa opposite. “Okay, then you got me to call Tai in to talk to you. What happened in the room? Why did you run out?”
Yamato’s words had come out sounding like questions. “He said he loved me? That he was in love with me?”
TK nodded, absorbing the new information with wordless surprise; of all the possibilities in his head, this one never considered even in passing. He merely drew back into his adopted shrink persona. “And so you were confused?” Matt nodded. “I see. Does anything seem clearer after a night’s sleep?”
“No, everything’s still jumbled together. I don’t know what to do.”
It caught TK off balance, the kind of wavering voice in his brother’s words. If anything, he had assumed Matt would go back to Sora. He knew he was treading into deep waters, but he decided to dive in. “Do you love him too?” It was a blunt question, too heavy in its implications to seem appropriate for such a feeble sounding sentence. Yamato blinked and leaned his head back against the couch.
“I don’t know. I just need time.” Matt stopped his study of the ceiling and looked at his brother with a pressing gaze. “I need time to think everything through. I need you to tell everyone that I want to be alone.”
TK looked uncertain for a moment, but finally gave his assent. “Fine, but call me when you’ve got everything clear, okay?”
“Yeah…”
It was another two weeks of sulking and confusion before Yamato had even a glimmer of truth. He had unplugged his phone, abandoned the ceiling as a means of distraction and had started to really consider his feelings, everything he felt about Sora and Taichi. After years of self-denial, of squashing unwanted thoughts, he found it difficult to think rationally without roadblocking himself every other train of thought. Every thought about Taichi that dared to stray off the platonic path was met with aversion, his mind jumping to the next available non-Taichi train of thought. It was a maddeningly slow pace as Yamato found to untangle his own mind’s knots.
Takeru and his family had paid two unenlightening and strained visits the first week and he’d taken countless walks in the park, around the city, anywhere to think, but always ended at self-imposed dead ends and his regular seat on the couch.
There was a loud knock on the door the third week, a single bang that echoed through the apartment. Yamato grimaced and got up to see who it was. He blinked at who stood on the other side, one of the last people he’d expect to see.
“Yamato?” Hikari’s voice came muffled from the hall. “Are you home?”
He pulled open the door warily; she was the sister after all. “Kari? What’re you doing here?”
She looked up, laughing nervously without reason. “You know, I’m not really sure. I guess I just wanted to talk to you.”
“Uh, okay, sure. Come in if you don’t mind the mess.”
This time she chuckled out of real amusement. “Please; I lived in the same room with Taichi for over ten years; this is nothing.”
Yamato allowed himself a small smile, knowing full well the flaws in Tai’s personality, messy being one of the big ones. “In that case, have a seat.” He dropped into conversational pleasantries, gingerly working his way gradually into the more difficult topics. “So how’s everyone?”
Hikari plopped down onto a stuffed armchair, folding her hands together over crossed legs. “Okay I guess. I mean most of us are fine for the most part.” She laughed awkwardly. “Mr. and Mrs. Takenouchi want your head, but that’s mainly because of Sora.” Hikari stopped, reading Yamato’s face for any sign of emotion but found nothing. “She’s all over the place, sometimes crying and sometimes fuming, but I think it’s just because she’s wants to know why you left her at the altar.” She bit her lip again watching Matt’s impassive face and hastened to continue. “And oni-chan’s been moping around, a little nervous I guess, but mostly guilty. He blames himself for ruining the wedding and I don’t think I blame him. It is rather a trend with him, messing things up I mean. Remember the train incident when he pulled the brake?” Kari trailed off seeing Yamato’s lack of humour. She decided to get straight to the point. “So how’re things going with you?”
“You mean about my dilemma? I guess I’m making some progress. TK probably told you all what happened…”
She shook her head. “No, he didn’t want to say anything that you might not want told. Tai told me what happened.”
Silence froze between them, both focusing intently on the same watermark on the coffee table. Matt finally broke the deadlock. “You knew didn’t you? That’s why you looked so sad at the wedding.”
“Yeah, I’ve known about it for a long time. He hid it really well from everyone else.”
“How long?”
Kari smiled sadly. “Seems like forever. I’ve known since you two entered high school. Almost seven years.”
“Seven years…why the hell did he keep it to himself all this time?”
Hikari gave a helpless shrug. “You know how he is, no sense of responsibility. He saw you and Sora together in love, and he just couldn’t bring himself to tell you. I wanted him to, but he said you were already involved with someone.”
“It’s just so stupid. I mean, seven years…”
“I know. But you seemed like you were in love, and he didn’t want to interfere, and maybe he was a little afraid of your reaction.”
“Still, he should’ve said something.” Matt buried his face in his hands. “Then this whole giant mess wouldn’t have happened.”
Kari reached over and patted his knee reassuringly. “I know, but you know how stubborn he can be, just a regular old mule.” She scooted a little closer, making her words soft, soothing. “Do think you could like him more than a friend?”
Matt looked up, a forlorn smile on his face. “That’s all I’ve been thinking about. And as upsetting as it’s been, I’ve forced myself to accept some things.”
Kari’s voice was soft, encouraging. “Like what?”
Matt’s mind flashed those buried images, the times when he’d catch sight of Tai down the hall and find himself smiling like an idiot. When Tai got really close and he could feel his heart pounding in his chest so hard it hurt. Those moments when they were watching a movie and the light from the TV made Tai look like a zombie and he had the inexplicable urge to move a little closer. Matt shook his head dismissively, dispelling the reverie. “Just that I think I really did care for him.”
Kari smiled uncertainly. “Do you still have those feelings?”
“I don’t know. I’ve learned to stop myself from even acknowledging them when they come up so much that I don’t even know anymore. All I know is that I care about him a lot, but if I love him, I can’t say. Things have changed in seven years.”
Kari tried to not press her luck, but she needed the next answer. “And Sora? Do you love her?”
Matt’s face grimaced. “I thought I did. I mean I care for her, a lot. But maybe I never really did; maybe I just told myself I did even if deep down I knew I couldn’t.” Yamato sighed. “Sora, she’s beautiful; she’s caring and understanding, and we’ve had all sorts of fun, but I never felt that heart racing rush when I was with her. But I really do care for her. It’s all so confusing.” Yamato groaned in frustration. “I don’t know how this happened. I had feelings for my best friend and refused to accept them and then forced myself to love a friend who I’ve now hurt. And then this huge wedding fiasco; why can’t things just be simple for a change?”
Hikari had moved to the seat next to Matt, taking one of his hands and squeezing comfortingly. “It’s okay Yamato. Sora’s understanding and so is Taichi. All you need is some more time to sort out what you feel and talk to them both. And even if you find you don’t love either one of them, at least you’ll have known you haven’t made a big mistake, right?” She hugged him briefly and stood up. “I’ll leave you to think now; besides I’ve got some errands to run.” She started to go but stopped short. “And Yamato?”
“Yeah?”
“Don’t be like Tai. Know what you want and go for it. This is your life and you have the right to be selfish.”
The door scraped closed behind her, leaving Yamato alone on the couch. “Thanks,” he said to no one but himself and resumed his deep thoughts
Yamato shook the memories from his head. A month’s deliberation had come down to this; there was no turning back. He carefully picked up the phone, listened to the dial tone for a moment and began to dial. His breath was quick as the phone rang, once, twice…
On to Chapter 3
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