B as we so fondly call him was born with a heart defect and left us when
he was only 11 days old. Matthew was our first-born. Mattie's Daddy and I
were so excited to be expecting our first child. We relished each moment
of the pregnancy, the first kick, the growing of my tummy and yes even the
hormones raging. All through the pregnancy I kept telling Mattie's Daddy something
was wrong, and as good husbands always do he told me not to worry that is
was probably just first time jitters. I think all mothers know in their hearts
when something is wrong, but because I was new at this I let it go. The weeks
flew by for us.
the time I was 32 weeks along I started to have problems with Matthew moving
he just was not very active to begin with so when his movement slowed way
down I began to worry much more. The doctors had me coming 2 times a week
for NST's just to be sure everything was going along fine. When I was 36
weeks pregnant I was sent for a biophysical sonogram. The tech was in a hurry
that day and only checked for movement and when he found a little he sent
me home saying everything was fine. That night I had developed a severe headache
and my husband took me to the hospital where I was admitted and observed.
The doctor on call never came to my room to see me; he called me on the phone
in my hospital room and told me that I had a sinus infection to just go home
and rest. Needless to say my husband was not very happy because he new I
had a very high tolerance for pain and I would not have gone if it was not
severe. David took me home and I did not sleep all night the headache was
next morning we were at the doctor's office before they even opened, my doctor
discovered that I was becoming toxemic. I was then sent back to the hospital
to be induced. I started labor very well; I was determined to go through
labor free from pain medications. I had an allergic reaction to the inducing
medication and my blood press dropped extremely low, as that happened my sons
heart tons went down we were both at serious risk of dying. I was rushed
to the operating room for an emergency c-section.
was born 5 minutes after they got me in the operating room. Matthew was then
taken to the intermediate nursery to be observed because his glucose was
low. In the meantime I was stitched back up and sent to my room. Matthew
was born at 10:54 in the morning and at 6:00pm that night I got out of my
bed to go see him for the first time. He was so little he weighed 5lbs. 9
oz. And looked just like his daddy. They said he was doing a little better
and that he would more than likely be in my room the next day. We were due
to move in to a new apartment that next day so my husband told me he was
going to finish helping my brothers finish with the moving and would see
me later on in the day. I kissed him good-bye and said we would be waiting
for him and that hopefully Mattie would be in my room when he got back.
doctor came into my room about 2 hours later and told me while I was all
by myself that my son had a heart defect and had to have open-heart surgery.
The doctor said his chances of survival were about 30%, I could not breath
I was so scared. I kept thinking why did you tell me this when I am alone
with no one to help me though the pain stabbing my heart. To this day I have
no respect for that doctor I think he is the most unkind person I have ever
talked to. I know it is his job to tell us what is going on but to do it
to a woman who just gave birth and was alone in a room with not one to support
her is just uncalled for. My only consolation is what goes around comes around
and God must have new he was wrong to have done what he did because when
he stood to leave he hit his head hard on the TV set in my room it even knocked
him back to his chair. My nurse was a godsend she came in and held me while
I cried. I had to compose myself enough to call my husband and parent to
tell them Matthew was very sick and would probably die. I was afraid and
was transferred to the children's hospital to have his surgery. We waited
8 hours while the surgery took place. Each time they came out to give us
an update my heart sank to the floor, I was prepared for the worst. Then
came last time, he was doing well he had died once on the table but they
brought him back. He was taken back to the CICU to settle in after surgery.
He was so tiny he looked so fragile. He did well for the first few days,
but then things started to change. Matthew was on a pacemaker and was receiving
18 different medications a day; his little body was just not coping well.
The medications were making him bloated and his kidneys were failing him.
The doctors advised us that he would not survive if his kidneys failed him
and that a transplant was out of the question.
Daddy and I went to a room to be alone and we decided that if his kidneys
failed him we would turn off his life support, we did not want him to suffer
any longer. The next morning we were called in and told by the doctors that
he was getting much worse, and we told them to turn off his life support.
Matthew died within seconds. I held my son for the first time that day without
any tubes or wires. He was peaceful an angel in heaven now finally free from
pain. I just held him and cried I just could not believe my first-born was
gone. I kissed his head, his fingers, his toes, and finally his lips, I told
my son good-bye. It was the worst thing I ever had to do. I MISS HIM SO!