words of wisdom
Tom: I'm gonna come back, and I'm gonna start a therapeutic massage center, only for... for
Mark: I'm gonna start my own nudist colony.
Tom: That would be gross. He tried that on our bus one time.
Mark: I tried to start our own nudist colony one time on our bus, but it was pretty much just me hanging out naked. They love you Tom!
Tom: They love me, so fuck everybody else!
Mark: Yeah, fuck all you guys out there that are cheering 'We hate you Tom. You suck dick, burn in hell.'
Tom: Yeah, fuck that. Hey, I say, I say fuck the 'hating Tom' thing. That's what I say. Are we ready Mark?
Mark: You know what it is? A lot of these people are just now jumping on the 'We hate Tom' bandwagon. I've been hating Tom since like 1995. I'm old-school hating Tom, alright?
Tom: Oh shit. Hey, let's all say some dirty words. Everyone say 'fuck' (Fuck!). Everyone say 'shit' (Shit!) Everyone say 'dick' (Dick!). Everone say 'Mark's an asshole' (Mark's an asshole!)
Mark: Everyone say, everyone say, 'We hate Mark' (We hate Mark!). Yeah!
Tom: Hey, no let's do this one. Everyone say 'fuck fuck shit fuck' (Fuck fuck shit fuck!). That's the kind of words you should be using at home kids.
Mark: That's right.
Tom: What do we do now?
Mark: I want everyone to call me an asshole again...
Tom: What's up? I like your hair. It's very nice
Mark: You like his hair? Oh, cool, thanks, he probably appreciates that a lot.
Tom: No, I wanted to say I liked your butt, but I thought that was too forward, you know?
Mark: Hey, this next song is for all the ladies in the hizouse. It's for all the ladies in the hi-ah-a-ah-wiouze.
Tom: Mark, shut the fuck up.
Mark: It's for all the ladies in the hua-ha-hey-ho-iziouse. Wheeeee! Hey, you know what, hang on. I want to make this like a big golf
Tom: [Tom belches] Excuse me. Sorry.
Mark: Excuse Tom. I wanna make this like a big golf tournament. Everyone shut up. Everybody just clap like it's a golf tournament.
Tom: That's what it sounds like when I get done having sex. 15,000 people cheering me on. I could take all of you in my bed right fucking now. But you're not invited Mark. You have got giant boobs and I doubt you're 18. Do you have a note from your mom? I wanna meet your mom.
Mark: Hey, put those 13-year-old boobs away. If I wanted to see 13-year-old boobs, I'd hang out by the junior high like my dad does.
Tom: Hey, you know what I learned in 5th grade?
Mark: That your dad has a bent weiner?
Tom: My dad's weiner was bigger than mine then, and it still is.
Mark: I want everyone here to scream 'Fuck you Tom. We fucking hate you and you're gonna burn in hell and die a horrible, fiery death cause we think you're a stupid piece of shit!' (Crowd repeats)
Tom: I heard that. You wanna give me your shirt? This smells like blood and feces... dinner time. Okay, what does this say here?
Mark: It smells like blood and feces. So, its your dad's shirt?
Tom: Hey, uh, just like every other band, we believe in a safe form of sex, don't we Mark? That we do. So Mark's gonna tell you about how safe we are.
Mark: Let me tell you about the safest form of sex. It's when you get super-drunk and you have sex with like 10 people totally unprotected and you do intravenus drugs at the same time. No, it's not true.
Tom: It's not true. You gotta carry a weapon. How many of you guys have girlfriends and how many of you girls have guyfriends. I hope you're not having sex.
Mark: More importantly, how many of you girlfriends have girlfriends?
Tom: Cause we believe in the love that exists between two vaginas.
Mark: The most special kind of love of all is the love that exists between two naked women while I watch.
Tom: We need her to put her shirt back on.
Mark: Please.
Tom: It just took away my boner. My boner just died. I had one and now it's gone. Hey Mark,
Mark: Please, I saw your boobs and my weiner ran away. Hey, hey hang on. Everyone seriously I need your attention for just a second please. I think somebody lost a contact lense down here so, everyone look around. A contact lense. Somebody lost a contact lense, so
Tom: I lost my virginity.
Mark: Keep an eye out for it.
Tom: I lost a testicle. Hey, what if testicles were something you could lose on an everyday basis? That would suck. I mean, you only got three. Hey, I gotta go pee pee.
Mark: You wanna go pee and I'll talk to the kids for a second?
Tom: You think you could talk for enough time?
Mark: No. Huh-uh.
Tom: Why don't you gather your thoughts...
Mark: Why don't you just wet your pants and we'll call it even?
Tom: Should I just piss in my pants right here? If you guys all pitch in a dollar each, I'll piss my pants right here and now. That should bring me about 200 bucks maybe.
Mark: I'll give you $300 to piss your pants right now.
Tom: I'll give you $400 to eat my shit.
Mark: Sold!
Tom: Sold! Apparently, there's a kid that's hurt right now, and I think they're helping him out right now. Looks like they're right there.
Mark: Make a hole people. Make a hole.
Tom: All you people over there, make way for the hurt kid and bring me thier wallet.
Mark: I wish now, let me tell you guys something,
Tom: I'm gay.
MarK: There's thousands and thousands of people here today. There's semi's and fucking buses and multiple bands and all kinds of shit, I wish now I woulda taken bass lessons.
Tom: So do I. I wish you did too.
Mark: I'm thinking for Christmas next year, I'm gonna ask for lessons.
Tom: I know a guy. He has sex with his sister. He used his dick to pop her 4 foot blister and I know it's not that cool. He fucked her in my swimming pool. He's got three testicles and he, he loves to do shit. Fuck yeah! Hey, how come every time we say a joke, it has to be about fucking, sex, masturbation, incest or anything gross like that?
Mark: Is there anything else in the world?
Tom: There's nothing else to talk about.
Mark: Hey, can you help that little girl out of there. She's like, not having so much fun right now. Hey-
Tom: Excuse me, security guard sir.
Mark: The one right in front if you, yeah.
Tom: That girl needs to come out. If you're a small person, the front is not the best view. And, if you hate seeing shitty bands, any of this is not a good view. This whole, everything. Every seat here. Mark's middle name is Rabecca.
Mark: That's right! My middle name's Rabecca cause my dad wanted a girl. He treats me like one.
Tom: I still have to go pee and I'm holding it in still. I'll piss my pants though, for money. I'll eat a nugget of my own poop for $20. I'll pay you $20, then I'll eat it.
Mark: You shave your ass!
Tom: You have hair on nothing but your balls. You guys, Mark has no hair on his whole body but a fucking wolverine growing in his pants, I swear to God. It's got teeth and shit.
Mark: It's true.
Tom: He's got a scary looking penis.
Mark: It's true. I need your tax-deductable donations for the 'Shave Mark's Balls' program. Please.
Tom: To charity kids.
Mark: Please, send what you can, donate your time.
Tom: You guys think that we're touring for our own. No, this is a charity tour for Mark's balls.
Mark: We're trying to raise enough money to shave my nuts. Please give generously.
Tom: There's no metal strong enough to be the teeth on any kind of electric shaver. What do we do now? Oh, I need a new guitar.
Mark: We need a new guitar. We need a new guitarist. You know what nothing I don't play guitar? Bla bla bla...
Tom: Does anybody know how to play guitar cause I'm not very good. People don't really respect me.
Mark: If I were a girl, every time I went to the gynecologist, I'd fake an orgasm.
Tom: Bad kids!
Mark: Bad Christmas spirit.
Tom: Bad Christmas spirit.
Mark: Hey, okay I need light now.
Tom: We're gonna point out every person that didn't sing.
Mark: Santa Claus is gonna come to your house and shit under all your trees.
Tom: Santa Claus is gonna come rape your dogs. Oh God, you know what? I'm kind of ashamed of being myself today and yesterday and the day before that. Not really proud of who I am or how I look. Ever have one of those days where you don't even like what you're wearing, don't like how your hair looks? And kind of bummed about how your penis is so small and bent and wierd. That is the ugliest butt I have ever seen. Let's hear is for not wiping. This guy - fuck wiping dude! It brings down the rainforest. Okay, this is a song I wrote.
Mark: That guy has a science fair project up his ass. What? Heads up, seven up. Yeah, everyone close their eyes and if I come by and put my finger in your butt, you're the one. I think Satan has a couple comments.
Satan: Well kids, it's been a really fun show. And I want you all to know that we'll come back soon, but before I go, I wanna say I think Tom is extremely good-looking and I think all the girls out there should think he's good looking. Tom has one of the best butt's that I've ever seen. Shimme shimme cocoa pop, shimme shimme right. Shimme, shimme cocoa pop... Does anybody here wanna sleep with me? I'm really a nice guy. It's really not Satan...
Tom: It's me, it's not Satan. Let's all be happy he's not here. Say, 'Fuck Satan'. Alright, hey uh I'm out of jokes and out of songs, I think we're done.