| Eating and sleeping. Eating and sleeping... Repeat when necessary. I'm recharging my soul; obviously, it reveals the cause of my sudden inability to maintain myself; I've been too scattered: unfocused. Please do not infer from this realization an excuse for my actions; they remain (to me) inexcusable, and further reminds me of the seriousness of my aspirations: I cannot continue to behave as a child; I, too, won't be taken lightly anymore. I'm unsure at this point as to how to proceed; tiredness and hunger seem to be the most paramount, though I think I've satiated those needs by now. I'd like to come by some time today; cuddle with you, visit the plants, birds, and your 'puter. I just feel so strange: so many things revealing so many other things, that reveal.... I must continue the growth you initiated, the growth you still cause within me: I feel it necessary to [cause?] allow you to see, from all possible perspectives, the things you have done for me; the things I have learned, from our interaction within this realm. As I have previously mentioned; when I look at the path my travels in this this life have created, I see many diamonds covered with blood: the diamonds represent the people I've had relationships with, the blood represents the pain and destruction created. Now, I refuse to believe that anybody wants to harm another purely out of a desire to create/cause harm for another. That if one were to examine the situation that led up to the harmful action, one would always find the cause: most of the time an action that was perceived in fear as an attack that needed to be defended. It is this inability to not immediately react to our fear based perceptions that actually causes a majority of the harm done: that actually ends up preventing us from truly ever communicating effectively, living together harmoniously, or ever possessing the "humanity" that is all of our birthright. Sadly, I must concede that there are many who would adamantly disagree with me on this topic above all others: that there are those who are truly evil, or dark, or bad. For them I can only offer this: our fears will create our reality, our minds will manifest our beliefs; we should be careful what think. Extra careful, in fact. I still have a lot to learn: seeing one's tracks clearly is not enough; guiding one's steps is the only way in which one truly attains the ability to live a life free of the pain and suffering caused by fear. For you in my life, I am both grateful and saddened. Grateful for the love that you rekindled within me, grateful for the hope I then found within that love: hope that is now becoming faith. Grateful for all the ways we reawakened within each other the things we'd thought we'd forgotten or never known; that source within us all from which all things flow. Grateful for the possibilities now before us as a result of the love we found within each other. Saddened by the increased awareness this faith has created; awareness of the harm I cause you: the harm I still create for both myself and others. Saddened by the responsibility upon my shoulders [realizing the power within my very hands]: I am in no way perfect, I will continue to slip no matter how hard I strive, I wonder if I can bear the pain of seeing the pain my failures create [the ability to forgive oneself remains the most paramount]. Saddened by the fragility of this newfound love, saddened by my own clumsy fumbling; hard to simply accept the harm I will still create regardless of how hard I try, hard to forgive myself. When I find myself trapped within this self awareness, I find forgiveness for my mistakes increasingly difficult. I must learn from this, and all I see now is the utter repetitiveness of my folly, vanity, and pride. From this perspective, I don't see as clearly the progress I've made; I fear my own ability to lie to myself, to convince myself of my rightness: the very possibility of self-delusion at this level is a truly frightening thing and that is one thing I do fear. That is what relationships are for, it seems. We can be mirrors for each other, [often are whether we like it, want it, or not..] finding ourselves within each others eyes. Or, I'm just rambling again... Who knows[I bet]... Love, davidWARDjones |
| funk hlunks along |