Passion of the Christ
(2004)
[DVD Info]

A guy named Jesus (James Caviezel) is in the woods praying, asking God to take away the burden he’s about to face while the Devil (Rosalinda Celentano) watches on. A man, Judas (Luca Lionello) made a deal with a group of Rabbis to tell them where Jesus was for silver. After Judas leads them to him, they capture Jesus and take him before the Rabbis, chained and beaten. They say he’s blasphemous and he can heal the sick and cast out devils with the help of the Devil. The Rabbis send him to death. They take him before the Romans who refuse to crucify him since he’s committed no crime. After much insisting on the Rabbis part the Romans agree to punish him severely but not kill him. Jesus is then tortured and when they return in front of the Romans again, the Rabbi’s again demand he be crucified. The Roman’s give in when a riot starts to break out. Will Jesus make it out alive?

Judas sold out Jesus because he was thirsty.
Jesus is really good at making people feel guilty just by looking at them.
Jesus invented chairs and tables you sit at.
The Devil is androgynous.
Romans like to waste water.

My favorite scene was when it faded to black and it was over.

The kids who ran Judas out of town.
The lack of subtitles.
Jesus wouldn’t die.

Y’know what this movie was like? Torture. Ha! *taps mic* Thank you! I’ll be here all week. Just kidding. When I watched this movie I tried to be objective as possible. I’m agnostic, so I’m sure that was my first advantage. I can see how Christians are rather biased when watching this movie and how Jews should be totally offended by the blatant finger pointing. You better get comfortable, because this is going to take a while.

I watched this movie with the thought that I was watching a movie. I wasn’t watching a movie about Jesus and his last few hours alive; I was watching a regular movie, just like any movie that makes its way through the underground. With that…this was a BAD movie. Mel obviously didn’t have anyone else but Christians in mind when he made this movie. It may sound silly to have a quick back story on Jesus, but hey…not everyone knows the bible by heart, if at all. Sure, I recognized the name Judas (but not his purpose), I knew who Mary, Peter, and Jesus was…but everyone else? I drew a big fat question mark. It’s like someone making a movie about a book and only picking one chapter to base the movie off of and not telling you who any of the characters are or where they came from and what their goals are. In fact, that’s EXACTLY what this movie is. There was absolutely no plot, no character development, nothing. I pretty much wasted two hours of my life watching a man get beaten, tortured, and then nailed to a cross. You KNOW that if this movie weren’t about Jesus, this movie would have never flown! Who wants to watch a movie that follows the formula “bleed, fall, get beaten, flashback, get up, repeat.” I don’t. It doesn’t matter who it was. Yes, it was sad. Again, not because it was Jesus but because a person was going through something like that is unpleasant to watch. Heck, I can’t even watch “Animal Cops” on Animal Planet without getting upset.

I’m sure I’m pissing a lot of people off with a review like this, but I have to be honest…there wasn’t one redeeming quality about this movie. Why do people need a visual about how Jesus died? Can’t they just take the Bible’s word for it? I was already checking the clock around the 8-minute mark (hey, it surpassed Q: The Winged Serpent with fastest I’ve ever been bored) and around the 41-minute mark I was ready for it to be over. It got old so very fast. I can’t emphasize enough that if this movie weren’t about Jesus, no one would even give it the time of day. You think I’m going to hell for not liking this movie? Mel Gibson is going to hell for exploiting money out of people by capitalizing on people’s emotions and faith. By the way…when do you watch a movie like this? Easter? Christmas? “C’mon kids! Now that you’ve had fun on this holiday with candy and presents…gather around the tele…we have a movie for you.” And you know this is going to be the new “It’s a Wonderful Life” for the holidays. That plain disturbs me. Children shouldn’t be exposed to this kind of violence.

Since I said I was going to be objective, I’ll tell you what I didn’t like about the movie. I found it utterly ridiculous when those children ran Judas out of town. Even with the help of the devil and their creepy face changes, no child should be able to run a grown man out of town. He should’ve started throwing punches. If children are going to bite you and taunt you, they’re asking for a beat down. Judas should’ve delivered. Next…the lack of subtitles. One-fourth of this movie wasn’t subtitled. Mel may have thought it was going to interfere with the powerfulness of the movie, but heck…some of us want to know what they’re saying. There were some I was getting the jist of…but a lot of it was not understandable. If you’re going to make a movie in a different language, subtitle it. How many people speak that language these days? What was it? Latin? The third problem and probably most offensive, is that Jesus wouldn’t die. He wouldn’t even pass out. That became frustrating because I didn’t want to watch him get tortured anymore. After his whipping I was over it. You’d think when he died the movie would be over. WRONG. It’s not. That was the longest two hours of my life. Seriously. My friend called me half way through, it was definitely a welcome break. That movie needs an intermission or something.

Now…say that all this bible stuff really happened (and I’m not saying it did or didn’t)…people in the old days sure had their priorities messed up. They’d rather free a notorious murder (who will most likely kill again…and in this case I hope he kills ALL of them) than a man who just says offensive stuff? I totally give Jesus props though. If that were me…I’d totally come back and be vengeful. Noah, get your arc ready cause I’m floodin’ the joint. The guy who dictates what people are beaten with, has the worst job ever. How does he not want to kill himself every time he wakes up to get to work? I was also amused by the crow that just came by to peck that guy’s eyes out. On a strange note…this movie made me realize I really like the sound of people walking around in leather. I like that creaky sound it makes.

Before I get some serious hate mail…I’m not saying that Christianity is a bad religion. I’m not making fun of the fact that Jesus died for your sins and whatnot. But…watching this movie as just that…it was a horrible and pointless movie. No one should like this movie unless you have some serious mental issues. Mel Gibson is a crazy man who should locked away for good. I think this movie would’ve been a million times better if they had gone through Jesus’ entire life and then added that last torture bit. It would’ve been more powerful. All this movie had was shock value. Because of this, the jury gives this flick:

(Death…no pun intended)

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