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What's the Story, Mornin' Glory?
Simon Sez
(1999)
Simon (Dennis Rodman) is a sort of what you would call a bounty hunter in France. One night he tries to bust a major arms dealer Ashton (Jérôme Pradon), but Ashton gets away and Simon is left to save Colonel Jacques Telore (Igor De Savitch), a prospective buyer of Ashton’s goods who backed out at the last minute, from Ashton’s unruly Clockwork Orange clad gang on dirt bikes. Simon chases them off and offers the Colonel his card, the ungrateful Colonel declines and Simon heads home.
The next day, while milling among the locals, Simon runs into Nick Miranda (Dane Cook), an old classmate from his ballistics class. Nick prattles on about what a coincidence it is they met, while Simon tries to remember who he is. Nick offers to take him to lunch, but has to take care of one little matter beforehand. It turns out that Nick’s boss’s daughter was kidnapped and Nick was in the middle of negotiating an exchange. Simon gets caught in the middle when the exchange goes wrong and Nick’s briefcase containing two million dollars gets stolen.
Simon retrieves the case after Nick gets knocked unconscious. Simon takes both Nick and the case back to his house and he opens the case to find a strange disc and two bricks instead of the two mill. Simon takes the disc to his base, located in a church basement across the street, and his two base operators (who are actually monks) Micro (John Pinette) and Macro (Ricky Harris) discover that the disc is actually highly sensitive, highly classified government information. Simon decides that Nick and himself will rescue the kidnapped girl on their own and give them a fake disc. They rescue the girl but she doesn’t seem to be aware that she’s kidnapped; she’s staying with her boyfriend. The girl takes off when Micro, Macro, and Nick are watching her and she gets re-kidnapped by Ashton, the arms dealer. Now the fate of the world (and tacky national monuments) rests on Simon, Nick, two dancing monks, Simon's kung-fu-ing ex-girlfriend, and a very irritated boyfriend. Will they be able to succeed?
You Learn Something New Everyday...
 In the battle of dirt bike vs. car, the dirt bike always wins.
People who ride dirt bikes are always on the side of evil.
It's more romantic to row a boat in your own pool.
A Monk's favorite dance is the robot.
The best way to drive past a bus is on two wheels.
French accents will never be threatening.
The best way to fore-play involves kung-fu stripping, a strobe light, and rave music.
Grapes make a bad gagging device.
Anyone who's anyone in France knows Kung-fu.
Quicksand is actually foamy sand that sits on top of water.
The Eiffel Tower is delicious.
Zing!
"Do you have issues about hugging another man in public? This is France buddy. Men kiss each other here." -Nick Miranda
Simon Says...
Y'know when you pop a movie into the DVD player or VCR, you're dreading the movie and you only picked it up because your favorite actor is in it or because you enjoy killing brain cells quickly and painfully? That's how I felt when the opening credits began. I was ready for that numb feeling in the front of my brain to begin as I lay down on the couch in a comatose-like state. Yet, the feeling never came. Yes, it was a terrible movie, but actually not bad!
The worst part was Dennis Rodman's acting. Although, through the process of watching the DVD extras I discovered that he wasn't actually acting, but merely reading his lines. After a while his "acting" didn't actually seem that bad. He doesn't have too many lines and Dane Cook and the two monks carry most of the movies on their own. They're the comic relief that sits between Dennis Rodman interacting with his ex-girlfriend (fighting, strip kung-fu, or having sex) and explosions and other types of action. This was definitely made for two types of people; lovers of mindless action with a little comedy mixed in, or lovers of Dennis Rodman (and in my case lovers of Dane Cook <3). Dane Cook looked so dorky in this movie with his plaid shirts. He was pure gold in this movie though. Pure. Gold.
There were a few things that were bothersome here. I know this is an action flick, but there were so many wire tricks, it was annoying! I don't think that Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon had this many wire tricks. Even if they're just walking up the steps they use it (okay, this is an exaggeration, but you get the point). Also, this action was so premeditated. There are scenes where the person is punching even before the bad guy shows up and before the bad guy even falls, they're taking off. Other things that weren't bothersome, but silly... Why was this movie called Simon Sez? He never uses that line in the whole movie. They kind of tack it on as the tagline, but nothing other than that. I was also amused by the obese monks stunt double. He was an obviously skinny man! That's like using a white stunt double for a black man. Ah. It was pretty funny. So, if you like side-kick monks who dance, the use of acrobatics to impress a girl, Chewbacca impressions, the use of T-Rex style fighting, God demanding dance, heavy martial arts usage, and James Bond-like gadgets. This is the flick for you. As for us...we give Simon Sez
That Wasn't so Bad Was It?
I was left Feeling: Amused
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