Troy
[DVD Info]

If you haven’t heard of the story of Troy or the Trojan War and whatnot…then you should’ve paid attention in Greek Mythology class. But to recap… Paris (Orlando Bloom) and Hector (Eric Bana) are from Troy which is across the Aegean Sea from Greece. While forming an alliance with one of the Greek kings (I forget his name) Paris starts sleeping with Helen (Diane Kruger). They’re in so much love that Paris whisks her away in the morning and take her to Troy. Her husband gets pissed off and goes after her, employing the help of his brother, Agamemnon (Brian Cox), his army, and his best fighter Achilles (Brad Pitt). Achilles hates Agamemnon but fights for him anyway because he’s vain and wants his name is live on forever. Then, they fight…a lot of people die, and no one comes out on top.

"You must think I'm a coward." ~Paris.

I have a looooot to say...so...

Alright…I have a lot to say about this movie. First…let me start with the actors. Brad Pitt is way overrated. In fact…I think he’s really over stayed his welcome. I know that many people will disagree with me…and don’t get me wrong…he’s been a lot of good films but he’s so overexposed that he isn’t picked for his acting skills but more for his looks or how many people he’ll draw to a movie by having his name on the marquee. What proves that? There's a lot of unnecessary Pitt backside. They can't B.S. their way into saying they're trying to be historically accurate...otherwise Pitt wouldn't be the only one exposing himself...although I'm surprised they didn't capitalize on a naked Orlando Bloom (or would that be considered child porn?). Orlando Bloom…is a flavor of the week. Although he plays a pussy rather naturally his acting seems forced and he also seems to be cast for his star power. But…when he hits puberty I’m sure that he’ll start being a great actor. Everyone else seemed well cast-ish. Except…I know beauty is relative…but Helen is supposed to be the most beautiful woman in the world? She didn’t really do it for me.

Alright…actors aside…here’s what I thought about the movie. Now, I remember, for the most part, the Iliad from my junior year mythology class…it’s a little hazy but if I complain about facts that aren’t actually facts…email me and correct me please. So…Achilles’ character didn’t flow. They made him this unfeeling bastard who fought for a king he didn’t respect. If he’s the greatest warrior in all of Greece and he hates whom he’s fighting for…just kill the king. Yeah…that’s not how it happens in the book I know. Well…when Hector dies and the king comes to ask for his body, he tells the king to wait a second and he goes to the body and cries. Alright…after the whole first 2 hours of the movie he’s been a real dick face who cares for no one but his “cousin” (who, by the way…in real life was his lover…but more on that later) and kills Hector and desecrates his body but then starts crying???? Well…if it happened in real life…that’s cool…but for us movie watchers…it comes out of left field. In the movie…Achilles is very one-dimensional and when he has any type of tender scenes, he looks like a jackass. Paris is a big pussy…but he probably was in real life…so let’s move on. Hector was actually pretty good. You could actually see this guy feeling something. He was very divided between his family and his duty as prince and to his father. Eric Bana was really trying to make up for The Hulk, you could tell. But…when he stares off into space…he looks crazy, like if you touch him, he’ll snap and break your face. But, that’s not important.

Now, the facts. Wasn’t the war to retrieve Helen 7 years long? This movie wrapped this up in a neat little 14-day package. In fact, if there hadn’t been a subtitle that said “12 Days Later” then this war seemed to take place over 2 days. Next…I don’t remember Achilles having a romance with Hector and Paris’s cousin…since he had a lover (who was conveniently his cousin in this movie). For the sake of being a little more historically accurate…they should have at least made them “best friends” and then kept the homosexual undertones. It was weird with them being cousins and the homosexual undertones. And didn’t Achilles get his ankle sliced with a sword? He got shot in the ankle with an arrow.

All in all…it was an okay movie. If you don’t really know anything about Greek history then it doesn’t seem bad. It’s just a 3-hour historic epic. If you know stuff about it…you’ll prolly nitpick at it. I know it says “based on” but it should say, “loosely based on.” It’s interesting to watch but I’d wait for it to come out on video. But that’s my $6.00. Because of this, the jury gives this flick:

(Unsure)

[BACK]