N.B. Many thanks go to Christine for writing to Yana and myself in the first place with the story idea...then the three of us started rolling with it and that's how things ended up here. Go figure.
Feedback: ballynihinch@hotmail.com, yanatya@hotmail.com, ck_hoch@yahoo.com
WITH OR WITHOUT YOU
Sunday, 7:34 pm
Hi Josh,
Things are going swimmingly here in the Cheese State. Yesterday, Mom and I visited with my cousin Beth, and I got to spend a lot of time playing Parcheesi with her two kids, Maddie and Thomas, while Mom and Beth talked about my cousin John's insurance business.
Afterwards, we stopped at Mary Alice's – she's my mom's best friend – and she insisted that we go out to the dairy farm since I'm home so infrequently. Did you know that they still have my old 4-H awards nailed up on the barn walls there? I won them presenting their cow Maize at the annual county fair. Anyhow, Mary Alice thought it would be fun to milk a few of the cows for old time's sake. I'd forgotten how loud milk is when it hits the tin pail and how warm a cow's teats are.
This morning, the whole family trooped out to Holy Trinity for early mass and I got to meet the new pastor. He's young – not much older than I am – and very nice. We talked a little about my job and Washington and he suggested that maybe he could visit me sometime later this week so that we can talk some more. He's very cute and Dad thinks he might have developed a little crush on me.
Tomorrow, Dad wants to take me over to the Crispin's new house. Can't wait.
Oh, who am I kidding?
I love my family, but I hate it here and I want to come home.
I grew up in Wisconsin – how exciting do you think milking a cow is after you've spent a great deal of your childhood on or around farms? And I don't even *like* milk.
And Pastor Matt is very nice, but he's just not my type, despite my parents' rather heavy handed attempts at matchmaking. I ask you – where did my Protestant mother learn to sound so much like a Jewish mama?
My cousins are still as boring as ever and the kids are brats.
In short, I am slowly going insane.
Send me something to do -- research, a position paper, ANYTHING! Better yet, send me a plane ticket back to Washington. I would be eternally grateful. I might even be persuaded to bring you coffee.
I have to go now. Mom just came up to tell me that Uncle Ted and Aunt Barbara -- you remember them, right? They came to visit the White House and you made those horrible cheese jokes -- are on their way here so that we can all watch Kate and Leopold together.
Yippee.
Seriously, Josh, get me out of here. Or there will be dire consequences for you when I get back. I mean it.
-Donna
~~~~~
Sunday, 10:47pm
Dear Donna,
You milked a cow?!?!?!?
Just so you know, you are never EVER going to live that one down. Like you didn't know it already.
I'm just going to let the whole warm teat thing go, though I will have to bill you for a new keyboard, since I was having a coke and...yeah, a SALAD...while I was reading your email and now it's wrecked. In fact, I'm forced to type this on CJ's machine with her glowering over me, so this will be short.
Do you know how much coke burns when it comes out your nose?
Will write more later. CJ wants her laptop back so I don't wreck it too. You should write to her and tell HER to let you come back, because I'm not getting much of a say these days. When did people stop listening to me? I hate that. They should know better.
More soon,
Josh
~~~~~
Sunday 11:15 pm
Donna,
There comes a time in every woman's life when she has to compromise. Has to bend. Has to concede...if only temporarily...that she cannot handle everything at once.
I have reached this time of life.
YOU HAVE TO COME BACK!
I honestly can't take this anymore. Not only is Idiot-boy barging into my office while I'm away and using my computer--he's terrorizing his temp, pissing off Toby, and asking incoherent questions such as--and I quote, here--"Who was that poncy guy who played the priest in the thing?"
Anyway, I should be asking you some polite questions about Wisconsin and your family and the state of your recovery. However, at this point I don't care. If your boss keeps this up, I'm going to take a collection to get you a plane ticket back here and a private nurse. And if that temp assistant quits, I guarantee Leo will bankroll it out of his own pocket.
Speaking of people your boss has made unhappy, guess who was doing his best whipped-puppy impression in my office this afternoon? Sam. Yes, he dropped by, hoping for news about you, and Josh blew him off or pissed him off or something, because I came back from the communications roundup and he was waiting for me. He doesn't have much to do right now, so when he asked if he should go visit you, I told him yes. Hope that was okay.
I'm going home now, because I'd like to enjoy the luxury of five hours uninterrupted sleep before starting the week. Seriously, though, I hope you're healing well and enjoying your time at home.
~CJ
PS: But if you decide you want to come back early, I'll take care of it. Just say the word. Really.
~~~~~
Monday, 12:15 am
J-
You look a lot like Kate's boss. Only with more swagger and cuter dimples.
-D
~~~~~
Monday, 1:26am
Donna,
I'm back at home now, on a clean keyboard, and CJ thankfully did not tail me home, so I have time to actually type now.
Pastor Matt, huh? Sounds like a real keeper. You know what I think you should rent next with your aunt and uncle? The Thorn Birds.
I have been told I'm under strict orders not to beg you to come back. That won't be a problem--I don't beg. Leo has also said I'm not to order, cajole, plead, demand, entice, suggest, wheedle or bribe you. But I'm on my home account now, so screw 'em.
YOUR LEG NEEDS TO HEAL FASTER, DAMNIT!
Go take some of those wonky vitamins or herbs or whatever and get it done! You think you're nutty? You haven't met your replacement yet--Aisling. Hooked on phonics pronounces it: ASH-LING. Like I'm ever going to remember that. She's horrible, Donna -- she brought me a latte!
You're missing everything at work, too. Sam even popped by yesterday to see if you were back and healed. I warn you, he was thinking of organizing a road-trip or something to get everyone out to see you, but I killed that thought. Unless...you want something like that? Do you? Oh.
I'm going to bed. Are you getting the same heat wave we've been having? True, you're much closer to the North Pole in Cheese Land, but it has been HOT here for the past week and a bit. And, of course, my apartment is being wonky with the air conditioning. At least you have the comfort of clean sheets up there...I'm not even bothering with them until it gets colder.
Keep me posted on Father Ralph -- I mean Pastor Matt or whatever his name
was. Bob? Joe? Bobby Joe? Maybe if you two have a really bad date, I can
use it as evidence with Leo to get you out faster.
Sleep well,
J.
p.s. Kate and Leopold? You seriously need help. And why can you never say
I look like anyone cool -- maybe Cary Grant or James Cagney?
p.p.s. I do not swagger. It's called my 'man stride'...when will you ever learn?
~~~~~
Monday 8:30
Hi Aisling,
Josh mentioned that you very nicely brought him a latte the other day. Unfortunately, he has a very sensitive system and shouldn't be allowed to drink caffeinated beverages. It might be a good idea if you didn't bring him any type of coffee in the future, no matter how nice the gesture was meant to be.
And if he gets loud or belligerent, just ignore him. He's all bluster. A well placed scowl should put him in his place.
Thanks,
Donna
(Don't bring him any red meat either. It makes him horribly sick. So just ignore any requests he might make for a hamburger and bring him a nice grilled chicken sandwich instead.)
~~~~~
Monday 8:41am
Joshua Lyman! What in the world have you been doing since I've been gone?!?
I turned on my computer this morning to see an email from CJ begging me to come back. Yes, Josh, *begging* and you know CJ is not the type to beg. She'd rather endure a lengthy, in-depth lecture from the President about the proper way to make chili.
Apparently, you're scaring all of the staff. Josh, we've talked about this. I know your yelling means absolutely nothing, but they don't. They actually buy into all the "Bartlet's pit bull" crap and they're terrified of you. Try not to be you for a little while, ok? At least until they get used to dealing with you directly instead of using me as a buffer. Trust me on this one. Because rumor has it Leo will have your head on a platter if you run off any of the staff with your bluster.
CJ also told me that you yelled at Sam. How could you? He's your best friend. You really should take him out for drinks and apologize. But remember that you have a sensitive system and shouldn't have more than three beers. Otherwise I'm sure I'll get another email from CJ about how she had to drive out to McNulty's and haul your sorry, drunken ass home. And I really can't to deal with that right now.
-Donna
ps. I took care of the Aisling thing – she won't be bringing you any more latte
~~~~~
Monday 9:53am
Hi CJ,
I'm sorry Josh is being such an ass. Now you know what I deal with every day. If it helps, I talked to Aisling about the situation and things should settle down a bit now.
(What kind of name IS Aisling, anyway? She sounds about fifteen! Is she a petite brunette? If she is, we've got bigger things to worry about then Josh yelling at her. He has a weakness for that type of woman.)
I gave Josh a bit of a lecture, too, so let me know if he acts up any more.
Now on to other things…
I have to say that your email surprised me. I thought you, of all people, wouldn't be encouraging me to come back quite so soon. Especially after our conversation before… well, before.
In any case, I don't think I'll be able to make it back as soon as I had hoped. My therapist says I've been progressing nicely, but that my leg hasn't achieved the mobility he had hoped for at this point. They're not sure what the problem is and if things don't improve within the next week or so, they want to explore some other options, including additional surgery.
PLEASE don't tell Josh this, though. I don't want him freaking out and you know that he will. Thanks, CJ.
I've got to go – Sam's on the phone!
-D
~~~~~
Monday, 1:23pm
Dear Donna,
For some unknown reason, someone has booked me up with meetings on the Hill for most of this week. Do you know anything about that? It's like people around here are intentionally keeping me away from my office. Maybe you could do some reconnaissance work and find out who's screwed me. If it's that new Ais-Ashling I really want to know.
Your email came as quite a welcome surprise this morning. So people are terrified of me, huh? What a fabulous piece of news! Thanks for that. You've made my life a whole hell of a lot easier from now on.
Have you heard anything from Sam? Just wondering… And just so you know, I did *not* yell at him; I just loudly questioned why he would want to go up and see you when the rest of us have to stay here. You know what I mean. Don't you?
How's the leg? Any word yet from the doctors? Maybe I'm just oversensitive to hospitals these days, but shouldn't your bones be knitting faster than this? Ah well, if anything goes wrong, I suppose you have that Pastor Mike guy to pray for you. Or you could let me come up and yell at the doctors for a while – especially since I'm such a powerful and terrifying authority when I yell.
Must run – another damn meeting. I think this time I'm sitting in with that new NSA person of Nancy's. Have you met her yet? I can't remember…
Please send me news of all your Parcheesi games – it's riveting.
- J.
~~~~~
Monday, 10:22pm
Donna,
Just so you know, I have invited Sam out for drinks Wednesday night before he leaves DC again. Bridges will be mended, if they were burnt in the first place.
I'm thinking of inviting CJ and Toby and Charlie along too. I'll fill you in if anything good happens. And don't even THINK about emailing any of them about my "sensitive system." I mean it now! You have your uses, and then you just get plain mean.
The Almighty and All-Powerful,
Josh
~~~~~
Monday 11:13 pm
CJ,
I'm sure Josh won't mention this until the 11th hour, but he and Sam are going out for drinks Wednesday night. I'm telling you so that you can keep on eye on them.
And make sure they get home ok. Otherwise Josh'll show up at my empty apartment, too drunk to realize I'm in Madison and won't answer the door no matter how much he pounds on it or how loudly he yells. A visual which I would find quite amusing normally, but I don't think poor Mrs. Rosencrantz across the hall would appreciate it. She's still sore at him for the night of the Inauguration, and that was over a year ago!
Thanks,
Donna
ps. Yes, I do realize he's a grown man. No, I don't have to take care of him like this. It's just the way we are, CJ. I'm not sure I can explain it any better than that.
~~~~~
Thursday 2:11am
donna,
see? Am not dcrunk at your place. Ha! Victory is mine!
Am drink at Cj's insted. Why does Toby have stuff here? Evber think about that? Hmm… wahtever
Sam is good. he can drink a lot, you know!
Just so you know, CJ spilled about you emailing her. I told you that nobody likes a snith--a snich--a snitch. there we go. punsihment donnatella! did you know that it's easier to type donnatella than Donna right now? cool.
I suppose i'll have to get used to my temp -- ash tree Aisling. She brought me something called a mocha today...I blame you fcor that too. then agian, she does try, i guess. and she's kinda cute in some young brunette nymphette kind ofa way -- not that i'm going to date her, because i don't date ANYONE anymore, but she has a nice...smile.
cj'
s coming back. must go. see what you miss out on when you keep
yourself away from me?
Joshua -- the Drun k and Almighty
~~~~~
Thursday 5:00 am
Josh! What the hell did you do to my home computer? And when did you do this? I left you alone for fifteen freaking minutes!
You better hope like hell this is dried spit. I'd make you clean the damn thing yourself, but you'd probably send your temp.
CJ
~~~~~
Thursday 7:00am
Dear CJ,
It's just SPIT!! Sheesh! You actually thought it could be something
else? You can be a very strange woman at times...brilliant, but strange.
- Josh
p.s. I would have come and talked with you about this in your office,
but you didn't seem very friendly this morning, so I've had to resort to computer-speak.
~~~~~
Thursday 7:02am
J –
How about I come drool on your computer and see how you like it? Yeah, you better run, little man.
CJ