Friday 5:02 am
Josh,
I don't hate you. I've tried, but I can't.
But I'm not coming back either. Not yet. I need more time.
-D
~~~~~
Friday, 5:16am
I write that I'm in love with you and that's all you have to say to
me??????????
This was a mistake.
- J.
~~~~~
Friday, 5:23am
CJ,
That's it. I'VE HAD IT!!!
You're a woman -- you talk to her!
I've just put my fucking heart on the fucking line and she stomped on it.
Repeatedly.
I'm done.
- Josh
~~~~~
Friday 5:32am
Josh --
No! It's not a mistake... Please! I just... I *do* love you. You know that, right? I can't remember a time when I didn't.
But... until two days ago you were fucking your assistant. Your *assistant*, Josh. Think about it for a minute. You can't expect me to just run back to DC and have everything be the way it was.
I can't do that. I'm sorry.
Yours,
Donna
~~~~~
Friday, 5:53am
Donna,
I can't do anything right, can I? Whatever I say, whatever I do, it'll never be enough, will it?
I take it Sam told you about Aisling and me ending our...thing. Isn't it enough that I realized it was a mistake? No...I didn't think so.
You're sorry? No, I am. I'm sorry for sending you to Gaza in the first place and for not being the one you wanted to see in Germany when you woke up and for stopping for every red light whenever things between us seemed to be about to go to the next level.
I'm sorry for being human, Donna. You apparently need a man who's something more than that -- and that is definitely not me.
You signed that you were mine, but I don't think so.
I've got to get to work.
- Josh
~~~~~
Friday 6:10am
Josh! Don't... Don't be that guy. Please?
You *are* the man I need. And you've always have been.
You were the man who took a chance and hired me, when I had no credentials, no direction, no anything, except a beat-up old car and a gift for misdirection.
You're the man who took me back when I quit a few months into the job and then got me flowers for our not-anniversary.
You're the man who comforted me when my idol died, who pushed aside his own grief so he could help me cope with mine.
You're the man who risked his career to sit on a bench in the park with me when I lied at a congressional hearing.
You're the man who drove through a snowstorm to come get me and rescue me from my own poor judgment.
You're the *only* man I wanted to see when I woke up in Germany.
What you weren't was brave enough to admit it before now.
I want to make this work. I really do. I just need a little time. Why is it so hard for you to understand that??
YOURS,
Donna
~~~~~
Friday 6:30 am
Josh,
This may be cold comfort, but you did the right thing. Absolutely the right thing. It took courage, courage I always knew you'd find.
I'm shocked and very sorry Donna didn't see things that way. But you know that I can't make either of you do something you don't want to, right?
I don't have much free time today, but if you catch me at the right minute, I'll buy you coffee.
CJ
~~~~~
Friday 7:35 am
CJ,
I screwed up. And I'm not sure how to fix it.
He told me he loved me. Did I tell you that? He wrote me this incredibly sweet letter and he told me he loved me. I don't think he's ever been that honest with me before.
And what did I do? (After I cried for a while?) I wrote him back and told him that I didn't hate him and that I needed time. I couldn't... I couldn't forget that he was willing to throw it all away for his temp, but that he wouldn't have done it for me.
I know it was a stupid thing to do, but I couldn't help myself. And now he wants to forget the whole thing!
Why did I think this could work?
Help, CJ! You're juggling two men. There must be some secret you can pass on that would be helpful. Because I've never been very good at these things and I think I'm just making everything worse.
-Donna
~~~~~
Friday 11:30 am
Oh, Donna, I'm sorry. I don't have the answer and even if I did, I couldn't tell you what to do.
All I can tell you is that he's slowly going completely nuts here. At the beginning of the week he threatened to kill Onorato and yesterday he told Venezuela to shove its oil up its ass. Add that to the whole Aisling thing and you can see he's been making poor choices.
I don't know if these facts make you feel better or worse, but please realize how deeply you affect him. You've been throwing him off his game for nearly two weeks. I know it was unintentional and not your fault, but it's no way for either of you to live.
So my only advice is this: don't give up. Do everything you possibly can to see this through and find a resolution for you both. I know you're discouraged and hurting, and it may get a lot worse before it gets better, but you need to persevere.
And I'm not just saying this because he's made my life a living hell this week, honest. Though if he keeps this up, Leo may at the very least decide to keep his face out of the Capitol building for a while.
Take care and good luck,
CJ
~~~~~
Friday 3:23pm
CJ,
You're absolutely right. We need to work this out. If not for my own peace of mind, then to keep Josh from getting fired. He really said that to Venezuela?
I'm going to be honest with him, tell him how scared I was (and still am.) And I'm going to hope he understands.
-D
~~~~~
Friday, 3:27pm
Donna --
Fine. Take all the time you need.
And while you're up there in Madison, here are a few other things to think about.
I'm not the only one who has gotten scared.
The night you told me about the kitty litter, who left the room first?
That Christmas we were going to spend together and create peace in the Middle East and get drunk and who knows what else, who took off in a
helicopter to go to a romantic inn WITH SOMEBODY ELSE? Who finked out of the Inauguration thing until I came and *got* you? You never mentioned that ride in the limo again...
What about all those nights the summer I was shot and you insisted on sleeping on the couch? I was practically begging you to come into the bedroom -- who came up with the rules that time? I'm not saying I was physically capable of doing much -- no, that's not what I meant, I'd *totally* have been capable with you as in *capable capable*, but I was recovering from gunshot wound to the chest so it might have been that you were the more dominant one -- you know what I mean! The point is that you stayed on the couch when I would have killed for just one taste of you.
So don't pretend that I'm the only one who's hesitated and then lost
the nerve. Even if I'd really tried anything past mild flirting, you
wouldn't have let me get away with it. Christ, it makes my head spin to think of how fast you'd have slugged me and then demanded a transfer! And probably resigned and never wanted to speak to me again. Sound familiar???
Take the time you so desperately crave, Donna, but don't try and tell me you're the only one who's gotten hurt in the past. It's not that easy.
- Josh
~~~~~
Friday 4:05 pm
Josh,
You're right -- I did pull away. Every time something happened and we started to get closer, I pulled away.
But do you know why Josh? Because I was scared. Because I was your assistant and I was worried that it would look bad to the press. Because you were my best friend and I didn't want to lose that. Because even though I *knew* you cared about me, I wasn't sure how much.
And because I was worried about what would happen if... God! What if things *didn't* work? What if we wound up hating each other? What would happen to my job? Or yours? What would happen if I didn't have you to talk to anymore?
Do you think you're the only one who's bad at these things???
I guess it doesn't matter so much. I don't have a job anymore and I'm not sure I have you anymore either.
I don't know what to say to you to make it all better, Josh. I don't have any answers. I just have my love.
-Donna
~~~~~
Friday 4:12pm
J-
What do you mean you would have been "capable capable"? Josh, you were on about half a dozen medications and in ten kinds of physical pain! There was no way you would have been *any* type of capable even if I... uh... was... you know.
And trust me, I was tempted...
-D
~~~~~
Friday 6:00 pm
Sam,
I don't know what you've been going through there, but it couldn't possibly be one-tenth of the kind of hell I've endured here this week.
Cheese, Spanky. Bring me cheese. Don't forget. We'll fondue and raclette and canape with it. And drink. Alcohol, not cheese.
Cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeese...
Love,
CJ
~~~~~
Friday 8:50pm
CJ,
How much have you already had to drink?
And I haven't forgotten your cheese. I have a suitcase full of it. If I get stopped by airport security, I'm blaming you entirely.
-Sam
~~~~~
Friday 11:00 pm
Sam, you just haul your cute butt back here and never mind my alcohol consumption. lf you get stopped by airport security, I promise I'll make it up to you.
Love,
CJ
~~~~~
Friday, 11:17pm
Donna,
Trust me, if you had been in my bed, I would have been fully capable of
just about anything.
*Anything.*
It looks like we've both been at cross-purposes. I don't even want to
think about for how long. Yes, you're my best friend and my assistant and that made it next to impossible. But it wasn't the assistant thing
that stopped me, D. It was the fact that I didn't want to push the envelope and then have you turn around and hit me, or for us to finally have wild hot monkey sex and then have to start all over at square one. Or for you to decide that just one night was enough. If I had ever thought you were serious, I would have leapt over the filing cabinet to get to you. Screw the look on Toby's face -- it would have been worth it.
And if it hadn't worked out? Well, I doubt that anything could be more
awkward than things are now. It couldn't be much worse, could it?
You write that you love me -- which made me speechless for, like, an
hour -- but if you think I'm just some sex-crazed idiot who was *fucking my assistant* just because I could, then maybe you don't know me after all.
Come to think of it, I'm still stuck on the fact that you wrote "fuck"
... that's not you, at least not the you that *I* know...
If I hadn't known from the very beginning that we were, you know, *more* than just a fuck then who knows what would have happened years ago. But the point is we're more.
Or I thought we were.
I don't know what the hell we are now. All I know is that you're *in* me somehow... you're an addiction, a craving, and I'm going through major withdrawal pangs. I *need* you -- how often do I have to say it?
I'm fucking in love with you -- and I don't know what to do next.
- Josh
~~~~~
Saturday, 12:08am
p.s.
You were tempted? Really?
Cool.
Maybe it's a sex thing. You know that I'd rock your socks off and you want me just for my luscious body, right??
I know that you like my arms...
- J.
~~~~~
Saturday 12:39am
Josh,
Maybe…. Maybe we just need to start from the beginning?
It's not like I'm going to be back in DC any time soon… I still have quite a bit of therapy left before I can even think about that. But I'll be damned if I'm going to lose you to another Aisling or Amy or any other brunette bombshell that comes along in the meantime! Because you're part of me too and I'm not letting you go again.
And I was angry, Josh. That's why I said what I did. I knew that the thing with Aisling was about more than just sex. But she was your assistant – ok, just a temp, but still – and you were ready to jump through hoops for her but you weren't willing to do that for me. What was I supposed to think? How was I supposed to know that it was more than the work thing that was stopping you… stopping *us*?
In case you haven't noticed, I've never really liked any of your girlfriends. Didn't you ever wonder why?
Anyhow… I really need to get some sleep now. It's Sam's last day here tomorrow. Well… today, I guess. And I have plans for us to go shopping. Maybe I'll get something for you while we're out.
I love you,
Donna
ps. You thought 'fuck' was unlike me? You may be shocked by a few other words that are part of my vocabulary.
pps. I also have an inordinate fondness for your ass. ;)
~~~~~
Saturday 8:28am
Hey, buddy! I don't know what you've been writing to Donna in your emails, but something must have worked. She's smiling and laughing and threatening to take me shopping today. What is it with women and their obsession with new shoes?
Anyhow, just thought I'd give you a heads up. If I don't get a chance to check my email again before I leave tomorrow, I just want to say congratulations.
You're a lucky man to have realized what you have in Donna before it was too late.
-Sam
~~~~~
Saturday, 11:20am
Sam,
Peace is wonderful.
Now go buy my woman some shoes!
- Josh
tbc...