No Way, Jose

March 15 2004

The honey-do list.

As married men, we know this list and we dread it. But like Valentines Day, it's never going away.

Well, Gloria was bothering me about building a small retainment wall over the weekend and I knew I wouldn't be able to watch any golf on Sunday if I didn't get the Great Wall of Gloria built by sundown. So bright and early Saturday morning I made my way to the Home Depot to gather the needed materials to begin work on my assigned task. Upon entering the parking area for the Home Depot, I spied a large group of men gathered in the far corner of the parking lot. I wondered what this small crowd of people were doing. Perhaps an accident had happened and my cell phone could be of use.

The only accident I saw was the two car pileup of the American Immigration policy.

There, in front of me, were over twenty illegal immigrants slowly making their way to my car, waving as to attract my attention. I immediately turned the truck around and drove away from the crowd. My mind raced with fury. What were these people doing on public property? Why did Home Depot allow this loitering? Would they stand for 20 prostitutes loitering on their property, attempting to turn tricks? What is the difference. Eventually I got my thoughts together and constructed a plan. I casually turned the truck back around and made my way to the group of men. About 10 of them ran directly for my window but I kept my composure.

"Easy Vic. Easy."

I rolled down my window and before I could say a word, a man said "Let's go." I looked at him in befuddlement. "Where?" I said?

"Work. Let's go."

I turned around to see two men hop in the back of my truck. I stepped out of the truck against my better judgment to attempt to communicate with the criminals.

"How much do you two want?" I spoke to the men now sitting in my truck bed.

"Eight dollars"

The nerve. Minimum wage is 6 dollars and these jokers want eight? Well, I threw them a curve. I said "Who here speaks English?"

Many raised their hands including the men in the back of the truck so I said "I only need three". Well, one more man jumped in the back and gave me the thumbs up. Well, that was good enough for me. I felt sheepish though, as if I was a John soliciting a prostitute. I felt guilty and dirty.

We made our way into Home Depot where I instructed them what materials were needed for the job at hand. All claimed to have experience with retaining walls so I had nothing to worry about, or so they said. Following the purchasing of all the goods, we loaded up the truck and made our way to my home where work began on the construction of the Great Wall of Gloria. Naturally when she saw my new entourage of amigos, she pulled me aside in fear. I assured her that I had everything under control and that I was carrying my handgun in my jacket pocket. I instructed her to go to the bedroom and grab her pistol as well to serve as a 'watchman' from the porch.

The men were making record time and I was impressed with their efficiency. After two hours, I completely forgot about the guns and Gloria had even offered them some water. They smiled and accepted the water graciously. What a surprise....

Well, by 5 pm the project was officially completed and passed Gloria's inspection. I rounded up the amigos and we headed back towards the Home Depot. I reviewed my options in my head. I made my decision as we pulled into the parking lot. They hopped out and I told them we needed to pick up some more wood for tomorrow. They looked tired and confused but agreed to my request. As we loaded our wood onto the cart, I excused myself to use the restroom. I slowly walked toward the restroom as they continued loading the materials. As I approached the restroom area, I quickly glanced over my shoulder to make sure none of them could see me; no one was looking.

I sprang like Carl Lewis at the sound of the starters gun and bolted out the backdoor. I ran as fast as I could towards my truck; strategically parked near the side of the Home Depot. My keys were ready as I unlocked the door and peeled out of there like a bank robber. I took the rear exit as to not alarm any of their friends who could still be loitering in the front.

Then it hit me. Who am I running from?

Am I entitled to pay these people for their services by law? Of course not. These jokers are illegal citizens! These are the same people I rail about on my radio show and in my commentaries. Why am I running from the same problems the government is? I felt ashamed and betrayed by my actions. I put the truck in reverse and headed back to the Depot. I parked and walked back inside. Upon my entry to the Depot, I inquired to an employee the whereabouts of the manager. She paged him and I waited. Two minutes later, a handsome man approached me with a smile and asked what my inquiry was. I explained to him that three young Mexican men had threatened me with violence several minutes ago and I felt threatened by their presence. He listened with concern and earnest. I showed him the men loading the lumber and he called security on his walkie-talkie. I felt a warm sensation of satisfaction brewing in my soul, like a man who had just climbed a mountain. The young manager advised me to wait in his office as his men escorted the criminals out of the building.

I could see from his office as the men were approached by the security team of the Home Depot. Following an initial exchange of words, the men were grabbed by the team and briskly escorted from the building with a moderate struggle from both of them. People were staring at the men as they were tossed from the building. The young manager entered his office and apologized for the inconvenience. I explained to him that these types of people were loitering in front of his store every day. The young manager nodded his head in agreement but said that his hands were tied due to the lack of police presence. Apparently the police come by once or twice a day to scare them off but just as soon as they leave, they reconvene.

Dissapointed by this answer, I did understand where the manager was coming from. Sensing my dissatisfaction, the young man said "Hey, come here for a minute." I stood up and walked to his desk. He pulled out a drawer and handed me a 20 dollar Gift Card and said "I know this doesn't make up for it, but I sure hope it's a start. We certainly cannot afford to lose customers like yourself. I hope you will accept this." I smiled and thanked the man as we left the office to activate the card. We shook hands and I hopped in my truck to go home. I felt emotionally drained but a feeling of accomplishment and satisfaction I hadn't felt in a long time. The ride home was a fantastic trip as I picked up some Sonic for our dinner. Gloria loved her wall and I was proud to have done it for her.

Victor Bousier

3.15.2004