journal

There are only FOUR more episodes of Buffy. I am so depressed.

At least Faith (Eliza Dushku) has been back. She is my favorite Buffy character EVER!!

Someone asked how I kept my skin looking firm. Honestly, it doesn't look firm on my body, but my neck looks pretty good. My only secret is this:

ANEW Skin Cream from Avon. It's the best

I' ve got a new car, the ION2 from Saturn. I LOVE IT!!

Song Stuck in my head: "Fighter" By Christina Aguilera

Tuesday, April 29, 2003

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The future is not set, there is no fate but what we make for ourselves.
Irish proverb

Well, this past Wednesday was my two year anniversary of my surgery. TWO YEARS! I honestly don’t know what to say about it. My life is very different, but now, it’s just my life I will say, I wouldn’t go back for anything. I thank Dr. Bertha every day for my new life. It’s still far from perfect, but it’s 100 times better than it was 2 years ago.

The last couple weeks have been tough food-wise. There’s just been so much going on. LOTS of Irish St. Patrick’s day festivities – dinners and parades and parties and on and on and on. I’ve had too much to drink. Way too much. Lots of drinking. It’s not good. It’s really wreaked havoc on my poor little tummy. I know a lot of postops frown heavily on the drinking, and I really don’t usually drink very often. But one month a year, it’s my time baby. I’m not a good little postie. I never drive though, and I never get very drunk, but I definitely partake of a few cocktails.

Weight Watchers, obviously, went all to hell. Fell off that wagon hard. Oh well.

I marched in TWO parades – not only marched, but carried a banner in one! I kept thinking how two years ago I would never have done that, I would have been too self conscious. Not only wouldn’t I have done it, but the men in the group would never have asked me. When the tv cameras were filming the parade, the one guy kept putting the camera on me and trying to get me to wave – a lady said “They need a pretty girl to wave hello!” Pretty girl? Me? Huh? When we went to bars, men treated me like – a girl! They were nice to me, they bought me drinks. It’s weird. My whole life I’ve either been invisible or at best the “fat friend.” I was used to it. But it’s much more fun being a girl.

Speaking of being a girl, I kind of met a boy. I know, I know, you’re saying yeah yeah, heard it before. He’s very nice, and cute, and….a fireman. *sigh* My dream. I only met him on St. Patrick’s day, but he’s already called me twice and we’re supposed to go out on Saturday. I’m trying not to get my hopes up. It’s fun to at least have a little hope though.

My birthday (real birthday) was yesterday. And the first day of the war! Lucky me. It was an okay birthday, I got a bunch of cute clothes from the Gap and some money and DVDs, but it was sort of a sad day. I will only say, I’m not a huge fan of the war. I’m proud to be an American, and I of course support the men and women over there fighting. But Bush and the whole war, not so much. I will leave it at that. If your opinion differs from mine, then, well that’s what makes this America, isn’t it? But please, don’t share it with me.

That’s about all I have to share. Hope everyone had a great St. Patty’s day – Irish o

r not. Hopefully the next time I write, there will be peace.

Today's Quote:

"I've been sleeping a thousand years it seems
Got to open my eyes to everything."
-- "Fallen" by Evanescence

I guess I’m overdue for my monthly update. There’s just not too much to say. I feel like a COW lately, I have to admit. I just eat too much CRAP. You know what my problem is? I eat in restaurants too much. I am NOT exaggerating when I tell you I eat out two meals a day, 5-6 days a week. It’s insane. I am really broke right now though, so that will definitely cut down on at least one meal (lunch). My clothes all still fit fine, I really don’t know what I weigh, but mentally I just feel BIG. It’s very upsetting. I need to get some control here.

The problem is ….. I am too happy!! I have always been this way. When my life is going well and I’m happy happy happy, I just don’t care about what I eat or what I weigh or anything and I eat crap.

I am happy though. My life is going strangely, weirdly, amazingly great. I don’t understand it – I’m sort of waiting for the other shoe to drop. I am still seeing The Fireman I met on St. Patrick’s day (henceforth referred to as TFM, as in The Fire Man :) He is, without a doubt, the sweetest boy I have ever met in my whole life. And he likes me for some insane reason. It’s like, did you ever have a dream and it came true? I mean almost word for word came to life, the things you would lay in bed at night and wish for and pray for? My whole life I had a ‘fat girl dream’:

Once upon a time there was a poor Little Fat Girl (me), who couldn’t lose weight no matter how hard she tried. All the boys never noticed her except to be her “friend” or to think of her like their “sister” (bleh). The only boys that did notice her were sad and pathetic losers who treated her badly, but she dated them anyway because hey, a girl has needs too. One day the Little Fat Girl finally finds a ‘magic potion and loses lots and lots of weight and people tell her she’s pretty and she can wear lovely clothes and her whole life changes, and boys do start to notice her but alas, never the right boy. Still no prince charming for the poor Little (ex)Fat Girl. But then, out of nowhere, she meets a boy, and he’s tall and handsome and kind and a brave Fireman and he adores her and thinks she’s beautiful and tells her so all the time and takes her out and buys her flowers and whispers things to her like “How did I get so lucky to find you?” and after seeing pictures of her when she was still the poor Little Fat Girl tells her “You were still beautiful, you would be beautiful no matter what you weighed.”

And they fall in love and life happily ever after.

The end.

Well, obviously I’m not so sure about the falling in love and living happily ever after part, I mean we have only known each other for six weeks, but the rest of it….it’s like, it’s all come true from some crazy script I’ve had in my head for years. It’s surreal. It’s too perfect. I walk around all day singing “I got a man! What’s your man got to do with me? I got a man! I ain’t tryin’ to hear that, see…. I gotta man….” Okay you get the idea. Old, bad song, sorry.

Dating post WLS is hard though, I have to say. It’s been hard all along and even with this boy, the sweetest boy alive who for some reason seems to think I’m beautiful, it’s still hard. I still hate my body. I still have some days where I feel REALLY bad about myself and wonder what in the world could this person EVER see in me. I have days where I eat peanut butter cups and know that I’m doing it to almost try and sabotage the whole thing because it’s scaring me. But it is getting easier. And I’m just trying to be happy for however long it lasts.

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Tuesday July 15, 2003

Today's Quote:

"Do you love me because I am beautiful, or am I beautiful because you love me?"
-- Cinderella

Ah, I suppose I have become the ultimate slacker – over two months without an entry. Jeesh. Not too much has happened in the last two months, trust me. Let’s see, highlights include:

~ Buffy ended. *sniff* I’m still sad when I think about it. At least I have the repeats on FX, and Seasons 1-4 on DVD. And Angel is coming back.

~ I've had some stomach, um, difficulties. Heartburn, pain, agony... I won't bore you with the gory details of my tummy troubles, let’s just say it’s SUCKED. And it's ongoing. And it's all my own fault. I have not been a good post-op - I'll leave it at that.

~ Eating is HARD. I had read so many places that after two years you really hit the wall, but man have I HIT THE WALL. It’s scary. I have to learn to control myself. I’ve become as addicted to sugar as I was pre-op. It’s hard for me to admit that here, I feel like a bit of a failure. For now, my clothes all still fit and I’m not completely freaking out, but I know I’m out of control. I need to buckle down and get back to the food basics. And stop eating freaking DONUTS. Damn donuts. My archenemy. My kryptonite. My Achilles heel! Ok, you get the point…..

~ Work is good. New car is good. Money is tight (as usual). Friends are good. Family is good. Life in general is well, pretty damn good.

~ Things with The Fireman ("TFM") are REALLY GOOD. Freaky good (could I use the word 'good' more?). Yep, we're still together. He is SO sweet. I mean, like, unreal sweet. My mom tells me every day "I never, in my whole life, had a man treat me like that boy treats you." He would do anything for me. He thinks I'm beautiful. My guy friends all say he's whipped and I've got him wrapped around my finger, but that's not true, I don't think. He just loves me. And I have never, in my entire life, had a boy in love with me. So let me enjoy it.

I definitely still have issues, but I'm trying to work through them. Let myself be, well, me in front of someone else and not expect them to run screaming. The TFM has no idea how much he's helped me - I mean NONE. It took me 3 months to finally accept that he is not going to dump me, that he is not going to one day decide he's had enough and is never calling me again, that when he says I'm beautiful he honestly means it, that I am not just some fat girl to fool around with for awhile, that he's not going to cheat on me or hurt me. That when he says he loves me, he really does love me.

Man, being fat for a long time really screws you up, in ways you can't even imagine. I'm still discovering new ways that I'm a completely nuts every single day. It's fun! No, not really.

My mom doesn't help. She tells me constantly "I hope you're nice to the TFM!! I hope you realize how lucky you are to have him! You should cook for him and do more things for him, I don't know why he even goes out with you, the way you treat him!" She sent him a card telling him how "blessed" I am to have him in my life (I nearly murdered her). Um, hello? I'm your daughter. Shouldn't you be thinking how lucky HE is to have ME in his life? My whole life she's made me feel like I'm not good enough for anyone. Like some man would be doing me a big favor by even dating me. Even after losing all this weight, she still acts like that. She wonders why my self esteem is so freaking low.

See, weightloss doesn't solve everything. Sometimes, it just creates new problems. But I'd still take these problems over my old ones any day. And I DO feel blessed and unbelievably lucky to have found someone who loves me so much. Just don't tell my mother.

I've seen some good
movies lately, such as:

Charlie's Angels - girls kicking *ss - woo hoooo!!

Finding Nemo -
so freaking cute.

My favorite show of the summer - Surf Girls.
I'm addicted.

Robyn was my favorite. *sniff*

Song Stuck in my head: "Where is the Love" By Black-Eyed Peas w/ Justin Timberlake

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Friday, August 1, 2003

Today's Quote:

"Who is your role model or personal inspiration?
Reese Witherspoon. She's spunky and has great hair! "

-- Carson Kressley, “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy”

Ok, that is absolutely one of my ALL TIME FAVORITE shows. I am so hooked! I love Carson, he is HYSTERICAL!! And I love Kyan too, he’s so adorable. I love them all! They’re actually in my area tomorrow holding auditions for ‘straight guys’ for the show and I told the Fireman I want us to go and try and get him on the show. I think he was offended. It’s not that I think he needs the makeover (though his apartment DEFINITELY does!) it’s just that I want to meet them so much, it’s killing me. He said he’s having nightmares now that I’ve signed him up behind his back and he’s sitting in the firehouse and these 5 gay men come running in holding his underwear and talking about his bad haircut. That probably wouldn’t go over too big with the other firemen. Oh well.

So, I’m mostly writing because I wanted to post this:

1. "I am proud of who I am and how I look. Just because I'm not a size___, it doesn't mean I'm any less of a person."
2. "I feel good about my body and I will eat the types of food that I enjoy while engaging in activities that I like to do. I will also buy the kinds of clothes that I want to buy."
3. "I expect and deserve to be treated with respect by others."
4. "I will not believe or internalize snide remarks made by others about my size whether I'm skinny, fat, or in-between, because I know that they are only revealing their own insecurities with their bodies by making comments about mine."

I found it here: http://www.biz.uiowa.edu/class/6m105/projects/fabfit/index.htm

I am going to try and repeat it to myself EVERY day. Especially #4. I find it so unbelievably sad that after all this time and having the surgery and losing weight and being a size 12 I still get comments from my family that make me feel awful. I went to visit my grandmother the other night and she said “I figured the reason I haven’t seen you in so long is because you’re embarrassed you’ve gained weight.” Okay, I’ve gained a few pounds, but for god’s sake, cut me some slack!! My mom told me the other day I was still ‘a little chubby.’ WE ARE THE SAME SIZE WOMAN. Ugh.

Why do I let them get to me? Why do I take it to heart when my mom calls me chubby, but completely blow it off and think it’s all a lie when the TFM calls me beautiful? When will this END?

You know what I say to my mother, my grandmother, and FAT in general??

This weekend we're
going to see
American Wedding.
I LOVE those movies!
And I love
Allyson Hannigan-
isn't she adorable?

Here's Kyan-

So CUTE!
(yes, I'm aware he's gay)

I love the Happy Bunny stuff. Here's another one:

Song Stuck in my head: "Where is the Love" By Black-Eyed Peas w/ Justin Timberlake