Vim Fuego - Adrian Edmondson
Den Dennis - Nigel Planer
Colin Grigson - Rik Mayall
Spider Webb - Peter Richardson
Unfortunate Hack - David Giles
Unf: We've all heard your sensitive rendition of Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody". What can we expect from the Bad News debut album?
Spider: We're all quite excited about it, but we haven't heard it yet. What happened is that we went into this very expensive studio - they locked us in there for three months, and the engineers didn't turn up or anything, so we didn't know how to plug in...
Vim: We've learned since that in that three months they were actually recording all our private conversations. Very private conversations, and disagreements, I hate to say.
Spider: To be quite honest, our record company think we're a bit of a joke, and I'm very glad that we have the chance to talk to someone like you.
Vim: 'Cos No. 1 is the big metal magazine, isn't it? You've had Bon Jovi on the cover.
Unf: Indeed we did. And last month I interviewed Motley Crue myself.
Vim: Who? Excuse me? Motley Crue - heavy metal? Oh, you've gotta be joking! They're a joke band! A joke band, like Def Leppard and Iron Maiden...
Spider: We're the only heavy metal band really.
Unf: Who do you consider to be your major rivals to that claim?
Vim: Bananarama are quite heavy, really. We've had a lot of trouble with them, we keep trying to push them away, but... that Siobhan! Cor, blimey! She's hot, isn't she?
Vim collapses in a heap on the floor. A doctor is called and gives him a shot of whooping cough vaccine. He recovers and downs another four-pack of Budweiser.
Vim: It's outrageous! "Bad News bearable" it says - and it's got a picture of Michael Jackson! I mean, he's nothing to do with Bad News! He's just trying to cash in!
Den, the band's bass player walks in looking a little queasy...
Den: What's going on?
Spider (aside): F*** off, Den. F*** off. Go away - you always say the wrong things.
Den: Are you doing publicity again?
Vim: No. We don't need you Den.
Den: Well, what's he got a tape recorder there for?
Vim: We're just doing some demos!
Den (to Unfortunate): Are you doing an interview? Oh, right. Hello. This is always happening - they do these interviews and they don't tell me. 'Cos they know that I speak the truth, and they like to speak a load of bullshit. What have they told you? Can we listen to that tape back? Have they said anything about me?
Unf: Only that you were throwing up in the bog.
Den: Yeah? Well, that's the truth.
Unf: By the way, where's Colin (the posh guitarist)?
Vim: It's a bit embarrassing for Colin, 'cos he has another job - he works in a bank. That's where he is now. We've given him till Friday to resign and join the band full-time. But he says he's got to give a month's notice, although he could just walk out. But you're not going to print that are you? Just forget Colin's in the band.
Den: I quite like his mum, actually. I think she's all right, his mum.
Unf (changing the subject tactfully): Let's talk about music. What do you think of the charts at the moment? Did anyone go and see Madonna?
Vim: N-no...
Den: I thought you did.
Vim: No.
Den: I thought you said you was there!
Vim (smiling sheepishly): No! I didn't go to Madonna, Den. That's why you shouldn't be here - this is why you should still be on the toilet.
Den: You said...
Vim: What did EMI say we had to talk about now?
Spider: I think we should say some things that your readers want to hear.
Vim: Yeah, 'cos we've always liked Kerrang!
Den: He doesn't look much like a Kerrang! journalist does he?
Vim: No, he doesn't. His hair's about 14 inches too short.
Spider: We'll set fire to you if you want. How would you like to go up?
Vim gets out his blowtorch and turns Unfortunate into a human fireball. An ambulance is called and Mr Hack is rushed to hospital.
Unf (croaking miserably): Did you have a nice day at the bank, Colin?
Colin: No, I wasn't working at the bank... ah, I see, you've been the victim of a cruel joke by the other chaps. No, actually I had a rather wonderful day. I spent the day with - what's that chap from Motorhead called? Lemmy. Lemmy Henry. I spent the day with him, having sex with large numbers of girls, and taking an enormous amount of drugs. I took five drugs today. They were fantastic, all of them. I don't remember any of their names, because I'm so high on all of them! (snaps open another Budweiser) More beer? Ah, you've got plenty. An ample sufficiency. Splendid. That's rock 'n' roll.
Unf (last dying words): What are your hopes for Bad News?
Colin: I'm not really interested in the drugs scene, I'm more interested in personal fame. Amassing huge amounts of money and giving myself somewhere nice in the country to relax. (Lowers voice to a whisper) What I really want to do is get into the City. And if you want to get into the City you need a large amount of money. That's really why I'm interested in rock & roll. I think they're in it for some misguided reason that this music is actually interesting to listen to. It's a ghastly racket, isn't it? I mean, let's face it - not just heavy metal, but pop music generally. A ghastly, ghastly racket! For people with extraordinary haircuts. Thank God I've still got my short-back-and-sides underneath this wig!
Curtain.
From No.1 magazine, October 1987.