Agonising eternity


Can’t believe it’s only Tuesday. Yesterday’s the first day without J in office. Time passed unbearably slow. The whole office fell into a dead silence, without the daily chats and emailing over some obscure OED words of the day that’s long been eradicated from the English language. There’s something I’ve been meaning to say, but keep forgetting. Is that about the books I’ve read? Present state of existence, or what? Really don’t remember. I’ve been living in a void recently, completely nullified by the not-so-many incomplete tasks that’ve been put onto my shoulders. The thing is, I’ve grown rather tired of this job. Not that it’s tiring or as boring as an accountant’s work, but that it keeps disillusioning one’s fantasy about a publishing/editorial work, humanities, and the mission of education. It is a demoralising thing that you can never write, not to mention publish your own ideas, but instead you have to compromise for some bloody moronic superficial gibbering on pretentious matters.  And actually for a start, the work is not well-paid at all. I can somehow understand why J’s left us, really I wouldn’t have born this for whole three damn years as he has had. The place is too small a pond for too big a fish. Towards the end of the day I was lost in my sulky thoughts about future again, experiencing the familiar agony of deciding what to do the coming October. I’m just almost certain that I can’t stay here in this suffocating city any more. But what if I escaped one only to fall into another? All these years I have always thought myself worthy of more than this, but…is it really the case? Everything’s so uncertain… I think I just need a hideout in a black hole.



Music agony


I just realised that there are a few things I need to keep track with and that I’ve been quite careless enough to have neglected. Scary Chicken Head (well, less scary now since I’ve graduated from secondary school) called me out of the blue after the 145th anniversary, I was on my way to meeting Sigi and his g/f, thought she was to scold me about not ringing her as promised, turned out that she’s got a job for me… well, almost a job.

A friend of hers has apparently composed a sonata too obscurely modern that no decent professional piano player wants to perform it, and out of the bright sky blue she just remembered my existence, called me if I wished to take up the challenge, and knowing that I would never say ‘no’ to her requests, quite confident that I could be the one to bear the burden. She was right though, I was actually thrilled to accept such a task, come to think of it! Having a chance to perform in City Hall! Well, not sure if it’s gonna be paid or not. The thing is I’ve left the world of music for too long that I’ve already quite forgotten how bad I am at it. Dah… now that the score’s arrived (last week) and after the first sight-reading I’ve already quite given it up. The score looks simple enough but the real problem is that the whole shitty thing is totally atonal, and that it’s actually written for some monster who’s got twenty fingers. After quite a painful analysis I found out that there’re actually two key’s going on, for the right hand part it’s C major while for the left-hand part, it’s c minor. I mean, it doesn’t make sense at all, does it? Really need to ring SCH and tell her that I’m not up for the task… think she’s gonna kill me anyway. Prepare myself to be amputated.



Skirt Indulgence


dinner with candy and B3 last night; choice of food rather restricted by the recent financial crisis, turned out that it was B3's treat. Anyway.
can't bear the idea that my friends are all posh high-brow people. how much do i have to spend on each of their birthdays?
thrilled by the free dinners, went to Bosni outlet again, couldn't stop myself from buying skirts... emm... also glad to learn that i can actually fit into XS skirts now... hahaha, the daily swims do pay off.
went home late, didn't call mum 'cos forgot to bring mobile. a little worried about the average expansion of waist line amongst the people of hk. took out trousers bought some years ago, size M, compare with the XS skirt just bought... appalled to find both waist lines measure the same!!!
that is absolutely unbelievable. what has become of us now?



And now what?


rushed to the BC yesterday, skipped an hour of work, sweating like a soaked potato despite everybody else is wearing thick coats and woolen scarfs. been waded thro' the immense sea of paperworks--the greatest invention of human society. finish work early, 'cos there wasn't much thinking to do, j's been triumphantly applying his authorotative supression on my ideas. fine, don't have to wrack my mind for any good ones. the point is, whether it's good or not it doesn't make any difference anyhow. the book's doomed to be a piece of crap. what are these people doing down here calling themselves professionals? v. professional in a way indeed.
now that the PS is done there's this sample writing to do as well. for what the hell on this magical world am i agonising on all this? my ever-growing lust for escape, for freeing myself from strangles, i s'ppose.
bosquare~~COUNTING down says:
listening to quartet of Pachabell's canon, with recorder, so exciting, all authentic instrument, including recorder, and a woodwind i don't know
bosquare~~COUNTING down says:
oh, sounds like a quintet to me now... with mandola... and it's actually a variation on pachabell's canon
bosquare~~COUNTING down says:
wow! now it's getting to the jazz version!
ends with a chaotic silence.





drizzling outside. spring has arrived early, sweeping away the bleakness and tantalising aroma of winter, replacing them with greyness, and bleached greyness. the air though carries a smell of uncertainty that drives people to a constant undefined state of mind, a state, which i think, describes the very existence of human beings.




hurray! the first payday in 2005. seems quite a good tuesday (reminding me of my official astrological lucky day). anywayz, managed to get hold of a train ticket to
beijing which was mysteriously unavailable yesterday. but that cost me quite something, for a train ticket. $984, almost a thousand. well, always counting on levelling it off during my back trip. emmm.
got summoned upstairs by the big boss. hoho, not bad, pay rise, though not as much as expected... or dreamt. should celebrate, how? hmmm...
back down at seat, felt the psychological pressure the money's on me, told myself should work harder, or at least pretend to be so. and there i was painstakingly trying to crack down the dull tapescript. geez, the sad fact is there isn't much to be drawn/pulled/sucked/exploited from it. and there i found myself beating around the bush (or pathologically beating Bush), making jokes out of no joke at all.
tracey's leaving for
denmark, w/ her boy. good for her. and i'm stuck here, assuring myself of... what? no idea.
and the haircut thing which has been bugging me since, is quite peacefully solved in consenses, between my deeper and outer self. there's plenty of good hairstylists up there, rite in bj. HURRAY!
and now thanks the fluorescent light for incessently blinking/flashing that provides me with a lawful reason to take a mo. break from the shit.
NOW back to work.





never get to write a journal; or even if i do, it's mostly a stitched-up of words that pop up on my mind mostly out of indignation. as for an extremely unorganized person like me, one can hardly expect anything that agrees with the superficial grammatical rules; we're talking about deep structure, you know.
been reflecting on my present undertaking lately. it's really a crap job for a crap person in a crap world. so pretentiously telling the kids secrets of grandioso. why can't the so-called, or self-crowned EDUCATORs simply let the thing go? learning is learning and what's the point of dictating to someone how to learn? it's all a matter of IQ, if it happens, so commonly unfortunately, that someone can't find the secret, it simply means they're out of the club. and that's all, end of story. i would have just teared that book, burnt it, if i found it on my reading list. pathetic kids. and you call that quality education.
and now there are people who just can't STOP nagging you, even if you've been acting rude to them on a personal record scale. WHY? and is there a way of getting rid of the blinking icon of that darn stupid head?
been writing bullshit the whole day, now time for a break.