My psycho ex-roommate Ron makes it on ‘Survivor.’

By Casey Brockelman

 

9 panels broken down thusly:

1st row—2 panels

2nd row—4 panels

3rd row—3 panels

 

Panel 1: 

Six people in tee-shirts and short pants are washing onto a beach of a tropical island.  They are pulling a large flat wooden raft loaded with supplies with them.  Basic stereotypical reality show characters for the first five.  1.  Buff Surfer Dude with tan and white smile.  He is handling the pulling in of the raft.  2.  Skinny old woman.  She is laying on the raft. 3 and 4.  Hot college age girls.  They are trying to help Buff Surfer Dude, while also trying to get their hair in order.  5.  Overweight man.  He is fighting to keep from going back into the ocean, where he would surely die.  Finally, is Ron.  My psycho ex-roommate.  A bit larger than the Buff Surfer Dude, he has the physique of the men in the strongman competitions: Barrel shaped torso, awkwardly skinny legs, and huge shoulders and arms.  His head seems to be directly stuck onto his shoulders with no proof of a neck at all.  He has a military flattop haircut, forehead ridge similar to the third evolutionary stage of man, and small, beady eyes.  His shirt and shorts are both green camouflage.  Ron is helping Buff Surfer Dude pull in the raft.

 

OVERWEIGHT MAN:            GASP.  GASP.  GASP.

 

SKINNY OLD WOMAN:      THANK GOD!  I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA DROWN, FOR SURE!

 

BUFF SURFER DUDE:           WE’LL SET UP CAMP HERE. 

 

Panel 2:

Overweight Man has collapsed face down on the beach just at the tide level.  Skinny Old Woman has not moved from her position on the raft, which is just out of the water now.  The Hot College Girls have their shirts off and are wringing them out.  Buff Surfer Dude is sitting down on the raft, slicking his hair back on his head.  Ron is looking further down the beach.

 

HOT COLLEGE GIRL 1:        BOY, THE OTHER TEAM HAS SOME STRONG MEMBERS! 

 

BUFF SURFER DUDE:           YEAH, I THINK SO, TOO.  WE’LL HAVE TO WORK ON OUTSMARTING THEM.

 

Skinny Old Woman:                 I agree.

 

RON:                                       TELL YOU WHAT…

 

Panel 3: 

We’re on the second row of panels, all of which are close ups of Ron, torso up as he talks to the others.  The tree line is several yards behind him.  Ron is reaching behind his back with his right hand.

 

RON:                                       I’M GONNA GO INTO THE JUNGLE AND FIND THEIR CAMP. 

 

Panel 4: 

Same POV as Panel 3.  Ron is now holding up a large Rambo style survival knife. 

 

RON:                                       TONIGHT I’LL GO IN AND SLASH ALL THEIR THROATS…

 

Panel 5: 

Same POV as Panel 4.  Ron, still holding up the knife, is looking right into the ‘camera.’

 

RON:                                       …INCLUDING THE CAMERA CREW.

 

Panel 6:

Same POV as Panel 5.  Ron is turning to run toward the tree line, knife in hand.

 

RON:                                       THEN IT’LL DOWN TO US, RIGHT?

 

Panel 7: 

Ron is running into the trees.

 

RON:                                       I’LL BE BACK TOMORROW.

 

Panel 8:

Back to the rest of the crew.  All are staring in the direction of where Ron just left.  Overweight man lifting his head from the sand.  Skinny woman lifting her head.  Surfer Dude’s mouth is gaping in shock.  The Hot College Girls are standing with dim looks on their faces, still holding their shirts in hand.

 

 

Panel 9:

Carbon Copy of  Panel 8.  Overweight man is speaking.

 

OVERWEIGHT MAN:            OH, SHIT.