Motherfucking Ralph Whetley

By Casey Brockelman

(c) 2003 Casey Brockelman

Page 1

Panel 1  Looking at the front door of a house as if from the front porch.  Nothing special about the house.  The year is about 1972, so there should be nothing drawn for the whole story that is more modern than that.  The door is open, and a man is sticking his head out looking at us as if we were a door-to-door salesman.  This man is Ralph.  He is around 30 years old, has a medium sized afro thing going, as well as a kind of hippie beard.  Paisley-esque button up shirt unbuttoned to expose his chest and a big fat peace symbol necklace.

RALPH:                                                 HELLO?

Panel 2:  Looking as if from Ralph's POV.  Standing on the porch is Jacob.  He is also about 30, clean cut, military haircut, and wearing an army jumpsuit.  Nametag says JACOB McALESTER, under an American flag patch.  Jacob is holding his army issue hat in his hands, and is looking at us nervously.  Jacob is unhealthily thin, and his face is bony with sunken eyes.

JACOB:                                                  RALPH?  RALPH WHETLEY?  MY GOD, TO SAY THE NAME ALOUD AFTER SO MANY YEARS…

RALPH(OP):                                         YES, I'M RALPH WHETLEY.  CAN I HELP YOU?

Panel 3:  Side view of Ralph and Jacob talking together on the porch.  Ralph still holding the door open, ready to close it at any minute.  Jacob still a little nervous.  Ralph not really going any direction emotionally at this moment.

JACOB:                                                  OH, YES.  YOU DON'T KNOW ME.  I'M COLONEL JACOB MCALESTER.  I LIVE A FEW BLOCKS AWAY, BUT I HAVEN'T BEEN HOME FOR A LONG TIME.

RALPH:                                                 COLONEL?  SO YOU'VE BEEN OVER THERE?

Panel 4:  Ralph is holding the door open for Jacob.  Jacob is walking into the house.  Standard hippie house.  Peace posters, lava lamp, cinderblocks and boards for shelves.  Bead curtains, other hippie stuff.

JACOB:                                                  IN VIETNAM. YES, SIR.  I JUST GOT IN TO TOWN IF YOU BELIEVE IT.  HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN MY FAMILY YET.

RALPH:                                                 UH, PLEASE COME IN.  I HAVE TEA IF YOU WOULD LIKE IT.

JACOB:                                                  YES, THANK YOU.

Panel 5:  Kind of a montage panel showing Jacob standing in the front room of Ralph's house, of Ralph bringing him a glass of tea, and of Jacob drinking from the glass.

Panel 6:  Jacob is holding the tea glass out, looking at it like a winning lottery ticket.  Ralph watches with a concerned look on his face.

JACOB:                                                  AHHH.  THAT'S THE FIRST DRINK OF TEA I HAVE HAD SINCE I LEFT FOR VIETNAM ALMOST EIGHT YEARS AGO.

RALPH:                                                 EIGHT YEARS?

Panel 7:  Ralph is motioning to Jacob to take a seat on the couch--a hideous paisley covered thing-but it looks comfortable…A coffee table stands in front of the couch that is in the shape of the white half of the Yin/Yang symbol.  Ash tray on the table--possible dope paraphernalia.  Jacob talking earnestly to Ralph.  Ralph has a look of pity on his face.

JACOB:                                                  I WAS A POW, RALPH.  KEPT IN A LITTLE BAMBOO CAGE IN A FIELD PROBABLY FIVE MILES OUT OF SAIGON.

RALPH:                                                 JESUS.  I'M SORRY. 

Panel 8  Zooming in on the face of Jacob.  He is wearing a pained expression as he speaks.  He is looking at Ralph, but Ralph is not in the shot.

JACOB:                                                  THAT'S WHY I'M HERE, RALPH.  I WANT YOU TO HEAR MY STORY.  I THINK YOU'LL GET A KICK OUT OF IT.

Page 2

Panel 1  Top 1/5 of the page.  Taking the face of Jacob from Page 1 panel 8, reduce it in age by ten years, put about fifty pounds on it, bring the hairline down a bit, put some more attitude in his eyes, and a little bit of stubble.  Put the face behind bamboo bars, and then have three more faces all looking the same kind of pissed off.  All of them behind bamboo bars, and with a wall of bamboo bars between them, the four of them are in cages that measure about 3 foot square, but are connected together in a row.  The other three faces are Tepish, Belker and Rothwell.  I have no preferences for how they look except that Belker will be a little older than the rest.  It's Vietnam--it looks hot, muggy, and there are mosquitoes flying around all over the place.  The order the men are in the cages is: Rothwell, Jacob, Belker and Tepish.

CAPTION (JACOB):                            THERE WAS ME, PRIVATE MARK TEPISH, SERGEANT LOUIE BELKER, AND PFC ED ROTHWELL.  WE WERE ALL PART OF THE SAME UNIT, AND WERE THE ONLY ONES LEFT AFTER A TERRIBLE MORNING AMBUSH.  WE'D ONLY BEEN IN COUNTRY A COUPLE OF WEEKS, AND HAD NO IDEA WHAT THE HELL WAS GOING ON.  AT FIRST WE EXPECTED TO BE RESCUED AT ANY MINUTE, BUT AS THE DAYS WENT BY, AND THEN WEEKS, AND MONTHS…WELL, WE WERE PRETTY SURE WE HAD BEEN FORGOTTEN, OR GIVEN UP AS DEAD.

Panel 2:  Jacob in his cage accepting a large leaf with a small pile of rice on it from a Vietnamese soldier.  If we can see any of the other men, they will be looking at the soldier with anticipation.

CAPTION (JACOB):                            OUR CAPTORS WERE QUITE ACCOMMODATING, ACTUALLY.  WE HAD FOUR DIFFERENT FLAVORS OF RICE:  COCKROACH, RAT SHIT, MAGGOT, AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE, VIETNAM MUD.

Panel 3:  Jacob is drinking from a crude bowl seemingly carved from wood, but thin enough to fit through the bars. 

CAPTION (JACOB):                            THEY KEPT US WATERED, MAKING SURE TO SPIT IN EACH BOWL AS THE WATER WAS HANDED OUT…

Panel 4:  Favoring Mark Tepish's cage.  Tepish is holding his wooden cup up out of the cage with a James Dean-ey Rebel attitude.  The Vietnamese soldier is regarding the cup with curiosity.

CAPTION (JACOB):                            TEP--THAT'S WHAT WE CALLED MARK TEPISH--OL' TEP ONE DAY WAS GIVEN A BOWL OF WATER THAT OUR CAPTORS FORGOT TO SPIT IN.  CRAZY OL' TEP GAVE THAT BOWL TO THE GOOK GUARD AND ASKED FOR HIS SPIT.  CRAZY OL' TEP.

Panel 5:  A panel looking at the unit of cages with the men inside.  They are all staring at nothing, as mosquitoes buzz around.  The men now showing signs of beards, but still looking healthy.

CAPTION (JACOB):                            THE DAYS WERE SPENT IN THESE CAGES IN THE VIETNAM HEAT AND RAIN, HAVING TO PUT UP WITH RATS AND SNAKES, AND THOSE GODDAMNED MOSQUITOES.

Panel 6:  Looking at the unit of cages at night.  Worm's eye view so we can see the moon and some clouds around it.  The men in the cages seem comfortable and are making conversational gestures to one another.

CAPTION (JACOB):                            BUT THE NIGHTS WERE OURS.  OUR CAPTORS WOULD BE AWAY DURING THE NIGHT, SO WE GOT TO TALKING.  ABOUT THE VIETNAMESE, ABOUT HAMBURGERS AND ICE CREAM, AND ABOUT THE LADIES WE LEFT BEHIND IN THE STATES.

3

Panel 1:  Back to Ralph's hippie living room.  Jacob is resting on the couch talking with Ralph, who is caught up in what he has to say.

JACOB:                                                  WELL, RALPH, YOU SPEND A FEW YEARS SITTING IN A CAGE TALKING TO FELLAS ABOUT THE SAME OLD SHIT DAY AFTER DAY JUST TO STAY SANE, AND EVENTUALLY SOMETHING NEW WILL COME UP.  AND ONE DAY, SARGE--THAT'S WHAT WE CALLED LOUIS BELKER--ONE DAY, OL' SARGE OPENED UP ONE HELL OF A CAN OF WORMS.

Panel 2:  Back to Vietnam,  favoring Belker's cage.  The men have noticeable beards now, and are getting thin.  Belker is staring out of the cage with a defeated look.

BELKER:                                                MOTHERFUCKING RALPH WHETLEY…

CAPTION (RALPH):                           WHAT?

CAPTION (JACOB):                            GIVE ME A MINUTE RALPH, I'LL EXPLAIN.

Panel 3:  All of the men in the cages are looking at Belker with some kind of secret awe, but Tepish is speaking up.

TEPISH:                                                 WHAT DID YOU SAY, SARGE?

BELKER:                                                MOTHERFUCKING RALPH WHETLEY!  HE'S THE LAST GUY MY WIFE WENT OUT WITH BEFORE WE STARTED GOING OUT.  I HAD TO HEAR ABOUT THAT PRICK EVERY DAY FOR MONTHS!

CAPTION (RALPH):                           WHAT'S THE GUY'S NAME AGAIN? 

CAPTION (JACOB):                            LOUIE BELKER.  HIS WIFE IS JAMIE BELKER, BUT YOU KNEW HER AS JAMIE CHANDLER.

CAPTION (RALPH):                           HOLY SHIT.  JAMIE CHANDLER.  WOW!

Panel 4:  Tepish is speaking to Belker.  He looks disgusted.  The other men look at him with mild surprise.

Caption (Jacob):   It gets weirder.

TEPISH:                                                 MY WIFE WENT OUT WITH A RALPH WHETLEY IN HIGH SCHOOL.  SHE TALKED ABOUT HIM A LOT.  YOU THINK IT'S THE SAME GUY?  THIS GUY WOULD HAVE TO BE FROM OMAHA NEBRASKA.

BELKER:                                                MY WIFE WAS FROM OMAHA!

Panel 5:  Now Rothwell is speaking up.  The others are all flabbergasted.

ROTHWELL:                                        DID YOU GUYS SAY RALPH WHETLEY?  FROM OMAHA?  MY WIFE IS FROM OMAHA, AND SHE USED TO DATE A RALPH WHETLEY!

CAPTION (RALPH):                           HOLEE SHIT!

Panel 6:  Favoring Jacob's cage.  Jacob has an ironic smile on his face.

CAPTION (JACOB):                            BUT HERE'S THE TOPPER, RALPH.

JACOB:                                                  I GOT ONE FOR YA BOYS!  I LIVE IN OMAHA, AND MY WIFE WAS SEEING RALPH WHETLEY IN COLLEGE.  THEY BROKE UP JUST BEFORE WE MET.

Panel 7:  All four men are looking at each other with looks of amused defeat.

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Panel 8:  View of all four men in their cages.  All looking in the same positions as panel 7, but now speaking.

ALL:                                                       MOTHERFUCKING RALPH WHETLEY!

Page 4

Panel 1:  Back to Ralph's hippie living room.  He is exhausted looking from what he has heard.  Jacob has a small smile going.

RALPH:                                                 I'M SORRY, SIR, BUT THIS IS THE WEIRDEST SHIT I HAVE EVER HEARD!

JACOB:                                                  YEAH.  IT TOOK US SOME TIME TO TAKE IT ALL IN, TOO, RALPH.  LET'S SEE HERE.  YOU KNEW THE OTHER'S WIVES AS KRISTEN GUILES, BRENDA MARTIN , AND THEN MY WIFE, KAREN SORENSON.

Panel 2:  Still looking at Ralph and Jacob on the couch.  Ralph's mouth gaping with surprise as he looks at Jacob.

RALPH:                                                 KAREN IS YOUR WIFE?!  THIS IS CRAZY!

Panel 3:  looking at all four men in the unit of cages.  All of them acclimated to their lifestyle.  Each relaxing as much as they can in the small space.

CAPTION (JACOB):                            WELL, AS THE YEARS WENT BY, YOU BECAME A PRETTY HOT TOPIC.  SOMEONE WOULD START GETTING DOWN, AND ANOTHER OF US WOULD COME UP WITH SOME CRACK LIKE, "YOU GOTTA STAY STRONG.  JUST THINK ABOUT OL' RALPH WHETLEY AT HOME BANGING YOUR WIFE LIKE SHE LIKES IT.  HITTING ALL THE SWEET SPOTS!"  AND WE STAYED STRONG, RALPH.  FOR YOU, WE STAYED STRONG.

Panel 4:  Looking at the unit of cages.  The men have full beards, and are terribly thin.  In the distance, a Vietnamese soldier can be seen nonchalantly firing a rifle at the men.  Ed is taking a bullet to the head.  The other men are horrified by the experience.

CAPTION (JACOB):                            ED STAYED STRONG UNTIL ONE DAY, A FUCKING SLOPE PUT A BULLET IN HIS HEAD-OUT OF THE FUCKING BLUE!  ED STAYED IN HIS CAGE UNTIL THE SMELL WAS TOO MUCH FOR THE GOOKS, AND THEY MADE US BURY HIM.

Panel 5:  Looking at the unit of cages.  The three survivors are Belker in between the other two cages has one hand sticking through the bamboo bars to embrace as best as he can Tepish on one side and Jacob on the other.  Tepish and Jacob have their arms sticking through to Belker's cage to hold him as tightly as they can.  Belker's head is nodded in sadness, or maybe death.

CAPTION (JACOB):                            LOUIE--SARGE--STAYED STRONG UNTIL ONE DAY HE STARTED SHITTING BLOOD.  DYSENTERY.  HE WAS GETTING WEAK WHEN WE MADE OUR PACT.  AT LEAST ONE OF US HAD TO SURVIVE SO WE COULD PAY YOU A VISIT, RALPH.

Panel 6:  Tepish and Jacob standing next to two mounds of dirt.  One, is fresh, and with more dirt on it.  Tepish and Jacob are both holding shovels, hunched over looking at the mounds with despair.

CAPTION (JACOB):                            WE BURIED SARGE NEXT TO ED.  TEP MADE A JOKE THAT NIGHT…

Panel 7:  Favoring Tepish's cage with Jacob's in the background.  Tepish is huddling up to get comfortable.  He is talking with a sneer on his face.  Jacob looking at him sadly.

TEPISH:                                                 THINK THAT FUCKER RALPH WHETLEY CAN HANDLE BOTH SARGE'S AND ED'S WIVES?

Panel 8:  Looking in Jacob's cage.  Jacob is looking up as if to God.  Emotionless.

CAPTION (JACOB):                            WE DIDN'T TALK FOR DAYS AFTER THAT.  WHAT I WANTED TO SAY TO TEP, THOUGH WAS, "YES.  I THINK HE COULD HANDLE ALL FOUR OF OUR WIVES.  YOU WERE GODDAMNED PAUL BUNYAN TO US.

Page 5

Panel 1:  Tepish is laying next to a hole that lies next to the two mounds from earlier.  Each mound has disappeared some in time.  Tepish's clothes are rags, and he is a skeleton wrapped with skin.  There are sores all over him.  In the hole is Jacob, digging the hole with a shovel. Also skinny, also losing his clothes, but no sores.  Both men have flowing beards now probably down to their chests.

CAPTION (JACOB):                            TEP WASN'T EVEN ALL THE WAY DEAD WHEN THE SLOPES MADE ME BURY HIM.  HE WAS ROTTING ALL OVER, AND THEY DIDN'T LIKE THE SMELL.

Panel 2:  Inside the hole now.  It is about five feet deep.  Jacob is laying Tep into it as gently as he can.  The men are looking at each other like a couple that has been married for fifty years, and are finally facing death together.

CAPTION (JACOB):                            I DUG HIM A HOLE NEXT TO SARGE AND ED AND I SAT IN THAT HOLE WITH HIM FOR HOURS HOPING HE WOULD DIE.  FINALLY THE GOOKS MADE ME GET OUT TO FILL THE HOLE.

Panel 3:  Jacob and Tep are still in the hole together.  Jacob is on his knees holding Tep up on his lap.  He is pulling Tep's head up to press their foreheads together.  Both men are crying.

CAPTION (JACOB):                            TEP LOOKED AT ME THEN.  AND THE LAST THING HE SAID WAS:

Panel 4:  Looking down to see Jacob holding Tep in his lap.  Tep is looking Jacob in the face with a grin.

TEPISH:                                                 SAY HI TO MOTHERFUCKING RALPH WHETLEY FOR ME.

Panel 5:  The sun is going down.  Jacob is standing, using the shovel as support, looking down on three mounds of dirt, varying in size from the freshest to the oldest.

CAPTION (JACOB):                            I BROKE HIS NECK WITH THE SHOVEL.  I'M SURE IT WAS PAINLESS.  A GROUP OF REGULAR ARMY STUMBLED ON THE CAMP TWO DAYS LATER.  THAT WAS THREE WEEKS AGO, RALPH.

Panel 6:  Ralph and Jacob are sitting on Ralph's couch staring at each other vacantly.

NO COPY

Panel 7:  Same view as panel 6, only Ralph is talking to Jacob with a sad face.  Jacob is standing up.

RALPH:                                                 CHRIST.  JESUS, MAN, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.  WHATEVER I CAN DO.  ANYTHING--YOU JUST NAME IT…

Panel 8:  Jacob's torso is in the foreground.  He is reaching into one pocket with his hand.  Ralph is watching with interest.

JACOB:                                                  NO.  I JUST HAVE ONE LAST THING I HAVE TO DO, RALPH.

6

Panel 1:  Looking at Jacob's hand.  He is holding 4 Congressional Medals of Honor.  Lose, and crumpled together like tissues or bits of fruit.  Ralph stares at them, humbled.

JACOB:                                                  THESE ARE THE CONGRESSIONAL MEDALS OF HONOR EARNED BY ME AND THE BOYS-  THEY ARE YOURS.  KEEP THEM WITH YOU, RALPH, AND DON'T  GO A DAY WITHOUT THINKING OF US, AND HOW YOUR CONNECTION TO US KEPT OUR MINDS CLEAR, AND GAVE US THE WILL TO FIGHT ON.

Panel 2:  Ralph is standing now, and is taking the medals from Jacob with a handshake.  The men looking each other in the eye.  Both full of respect for each other.

JACOB:                                                  I'LL GO NOW.  THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME. 

Panel 3:  Jacob has put his hat on, and is on the porch, leaving.  Ralph is following him, a hand on Jacob's shoulder.  Other hand holding the medals.

RALPH:                                                 THANK YOU, SIR.  AND GOD BLESS YOU FOR EVERYTHING YOU HAVE DONE FOR YOUR COUNTRY--FOR ME.  I HOPE YOU'LL COME BACK FOR MORE TEA SOON.

Panel 4:  Jacob is walking away from the porch, looking back to talk to Ralph with sincerity.

JACOB:                                                  I'D LIKE THAT.  GOOD DAY TO YOU, RALPH WHETLEY.

Panel 5:  Ralph is inside, closing the door to the porch.  A woman is standing on the other side of the living room.  An attractive 30 year old woman.  She is naked, but is holding a sheet to cover herself up-barely.  Her hair is a mess.

WOMAN:                                             WHO WAS THAT, BABY?

Panel 6:  Looking at Ralph standing at the door as if from the woman's point of view.  He is looking at us sadly.

RALPH:                                                 …

Panel 7   Looking at the woman standing in her sheet with messed up hair.  She is responding to Ralph's off panel remarks with shock.

RALPH(OP):                                         IT WAS YOUR HUSBAND, KAREN. 

RALPH(OP)2:                                       YOU BETTER GET HOME, HE'LL BE EXPECTING YOU…

Total working time on this was 220 minutes.  Done 4-17-2003.

If this becomes a movie script==when the soldiers come to rescue jacob, one will say-how long has Charlie had you here, son?

Jacob--who's Charlie?(looks of disbelief from the soldiers)

Raves

Freon

Wow. I just finished Papierkopf's script about Fucking Ralph Whetley. I really enjoyed it. The whole story I thought Jacob was going to kill Ralph. Then end took me by surprise. Great story. Poor Jacob.

buckshot

That was one of the funniest stories I've ever read. Talk about your ironic twist! I know the panels on page one are already kinda tight, but it would be sort of cute if we had seen Jacob out on the front porch banging on the front door for a few minutes before Ralph answered

Nope--Papierkopf -- hah! there was a certain glorious inevitability to your ending that made this for me

Wojr--Papierkopf “Motherf**cking Ralph Whetley”

Kudos, man. – I really enjoyed your story. Great plot, great twist.

Now that I said that – redo it. Again, the scope of writing a six page story rears its ugly head. All those eight panels pages with their extensive dialogue will make executing this tale a bear. Either cut it down to six or write it for its true page count. I think it would be better suited for eight or ten pages.
Just watch your punctation and how some of your dialogue runs on & on (Example – Page 6 Panel 1. Drop some of those ‘ands’ and start a new sentence). Also, be sure to indicate that when Jacob and Ralph are speaking in captions that the reader can follow who is speaking. Nonetheless, great build-up of tension, great final reveal. Can’t wait to read more from you.

Js roberts--Papierkopf: You know my view on this, but anyway, here's a condensed version. Great concept. Believable mood and setting. Good avoidance of cliches. Slightly packed with dialogue. But good dialogue. Twists and turns like a twisty turny thing.

Cs stevens--papierkopf's 'motherfucking ralph wetley'...

once i got into this, it was hilarious.i actually laughed out loud.christopher walken in 'pulp fiction' kept popping into my head.
i think the reason i couldn't get into it at first was that there's too many details and descriptions of things we more than likely would never be able to see on panel, especially given the fact you use a lot of 8 panel set ups. hey,papercup, you're one of the coolest cats on here. i look forward to your stuff,even if i'm late on writing it up; i said before i think i'm always going to be behind here, in terms of currentcy, but i will remain constant.
i'm somewhat familiar with the cancerman (i'm sorry but that's a godawful handle) and if you'd like, i 'd love to look at the artwork.
best of luck turning this into an actual comic!