A woman gets on a bus holding a baby. The bus
driver says:

"That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

Furious, the woman slammed her money into the fare box
and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was
agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public
servant and shouldn't say things to insult
passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up
there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea" the man said. "Here, let me hold
your monkey."

*******************************************************

2-> Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Ladin and Uncle
Sam are out walking together one day. They come across
a lantern and a Genie pops out of it."I will give each
of you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says
the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a
farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the
land to be forever fertile in Canada."

With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in
Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Osama Bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall
around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews or
Americans can come into our precious state."

Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there
was a huge wall around Afghanistan.

"Uncle Sam" (A former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very
curious. Please tell me more about this wall."The
Genie
explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet
thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing
can get in or out---virtually impenetrable."

"UncleSam" says, "Fill it with water."

*******************************************************

3-> A listener phones in to a radio talk show on the
RTL. He asks the host,"Please, in the Star Trek series
you have white people, black people,Chinese people.
Why ar there no Arab people?"

Ths host pauses for quite a while before answering,
"Because it is set in the future.

******************************************************

4-> A man dies and goes to heaven. Of course, St.Peter
meets him at the pearly gates.

St. Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 100
points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the
good things you've done, and I give you a certain
number of points for each item, depending on how good
it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."

"Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman
for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my
heart."

"That's wonderful," says St. Peter, "that's worth
three points!"

"Three points?" he says. "Well, I attended church all
my life and supported its ministry with my service."

"Terrific!" says St. Peter, "that's certainly worth a
point."

"One point? Golly. How about this; I started a soup
kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for
homeless veterans."

"Fantastic, that's good for two more points, " he
says.

"TWO POINTS!!" the man cries, "At this rate the only
way I'll get into heaven is by the grace of God!"

"Come on in!"

******************************************************

5-> After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at
the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint
Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She
saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting around were her

parents and all the other people she had loved and who
had died before her. They saw her and began calling
greetings to her, "Hello! How are you! We've been
waiting for you! Good to see you!"

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This
is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word", Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled L-O-V-E and Saint Peter
welcomed her into Heaven.

About three years later, Saint Peter came to the woman
and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him
that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of
Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see
you", the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her
husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse
who took care of you while you were ill. And then I
won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived
in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled
all around the world. We were on vacation and I went
water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and
here I am.

How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word", the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

"Czechoslovakia."

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