The Song of the Sabbu a Suikoden 2 parody by Seiji

Disclaimer: "Suikoden" is a trademark of Konami Co., Ltd. © 1995-2003. These characters do not belong to Seiji. Notes: For Aruru. In celebration of her new community, the Society for the Appreciation of Big Beefy Ukes (SABBU), I present The Song of the Sabbu, a Suikoden II parody (with sincere apologies to Veggietales). (For the purposes of this parody, sabbu is a slang term for big, beefy ukes, as well as an acronym for the society of their appreciation.) Warning: They're all gay in this one. Sorry. Oh, except Marlowe and Adlai; they might be safe.

[It is late evening at Genkaku Castle. Despite the ongoing war, it's been a slow week, and the castle residents have been getting restless. To combat the boredom, Anita has convinced Leona to hold a ladies' night at the tavern. Oulan and HANNA have been standing guard at the doors, keeping the men away. At the loss of their usual entertainment, GIJIMU and RIKIMARU have broken into Gordon's cache of expensive wines and liquors. After getting pleasantly drunk, they stumbled across VIKTOR and got his help liberating more wine, even though VIKTOR had agreed to meet FLIK at the castle's stage. Along the way, they also pick up AMADA and FITCHER. The five arrive late--but bearing drinks--to VIKTOR's appointment. VIKTOR is a bit surprised to see who else is there. ALBERTO and PICO are leaning against the stage and chatting with VINCENT. SIMONE is standing quite close to VINCENT, but talking to JUDE, who is holding a sketch pad. He's nodding and scribbling away as SIMONE talks. FLIK is on the stage with ADLAI, helping him with some sort of odd contraption. MARLOWE is with them, sorting through a series of small white boxes and handing things to FLIK every once in a while. A white sheet has been pinned over the stage's usual red curtains. CAMUS and MIKLOTOV are sitting at a table with HUMPHREY, FUTCH, and LUC. LUC does not look happy, but then he never does.] VIKTOR: Flik? What's this? [RIKIMARU and AMADA head for a table.] RIKIMARU: Drinks! We got drinks! ... Did anyone bring any food? FLIK: Have a seat, Viktor, we'll be ready in a few minutes. VIKTOR: Ah, well-- FLIK: Alberto, can you come here, please? [ALBERTO goes to assist FLIK. PICO glances up at the stage, then back at VINCENT and SIMONE.] PICO: Maybe you guys should get a seat. I need to warm up my playing fingers. [PICO winks and heads to the piano in the back. VINCENT turns to SIMONE.] SIMONE: --with a scrollwork edge and maybe three fleur de lis. Don't you agree? JUDE: That's great. I'll get to work on it right away. [JUDE turns to leave. As he exits, he speaks in an awed tone.] JUDE: A rose guardian. Who would have thought of it? [PICO begins playing a few chords on the piano.] VIKTOR: What's-- [KLAUS and RIOU enter the room.] KLAUS: Oh, good, I was certain we were late. [KLAUS smiles at RIOU, who blushes.] VINCENT: Klaus! Darling boy! Come sit with us. [KLAUS and RIOU go to join them.] VIKTOR: What's going-- [The contraption ADLAI is working on makes a loud grinding noise.] ADLAI: No, no, that's not right! [FLIK hits the top of the contraption with his fist. The noise softens to a low whir. ADLAI flicks a switch, and the contraption emits a beam of light.] ADLAI: Yes, my Magic Lantern. Marlowe, the slides. [MARLOWE gives ADLAI the boxes. FLIK nods approvingly.] FLIK: We're almost ready. Viktor, take a seat. Luc, could you get the lights? VIKTOR: What's going on? [ADLAI finishes fussing over his contraption. He takes MARLOWE by the elbow.] ADLAI: Time for us to go, boy. You do not want to stay for this. MARLOWE: But my research... [ADLAI leads MARLOWE away. LUC frowns, but calls up a quick windstorm to extinguish all the candles. The room is now lit only by ADLAI's contraption.] FLIK: Okay, we're ready. Viktor, sit down! [VIKTOR sits at the table between AMADA and FITCHER.] ALBERTO: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and-- [He stops and looks at his audience.] ALBERTO: Gentlemen and thugs, boys and... bigger thugs! Flik, the Blue Lightning, presents, in a sequential image, stereophonic, multimedia event, The Song of the Sabbu! RIOU: What's a sabbu? KLAUS: You'll see in a minute. [VINCENT lifts his wineglass in a dramatic toast.] VINCENT: Sabbu! VIKTOR: What's a sabbu? [AMADA laughs and pounds VIKTOR companionably on his back.] FITCHER: He doesn't know? RIKIMARU: He will in a minute. FLIK: Ahem! [Everyone quiets down.] FLIK: This is a song about a boy ... a song about a young boy and his sabbus ... a song about a young boy and his three sabbus-- LUC: This is going to take all night. CAMUS: Hush. It's a tradition. MIKLOTOV: What's a sabbu? [FUTCH laughs.] FUTCH: You'll see. HUMPHREY: ............ FUTCH: Oh, Humphrey, you don't mean that. HUMPHREY: ............ CAMUS: Well, I think it was very sporting of you to agree. HUMPHREY: ............ FLIK: Ahem! [Everyone quiets down.] FLIK: ... the young boy who had a sick sabbu, a sad sabbu, and a mute sabbu. And also a dragon. [FUTCH applauds. FLIK turns to the contraption and hits a switch. A square of white light appears on the sheet in front of the stage.] FLIK: Um ... [An upside down picture of Flik standing at a dock in Coronet appears.] FLIK: Um ... [After a moment, the picture is righted.] FLIK: This is a picture of me at the port. {A picture of a middle-aged woman.} FLIK: This is ... Marlowe's Aunt Ruth. . . what is this doing in here? {A picture of Flik at Lorimar.} FLIK: Ah, the good old days. This is me at Lorimar. And this is me fighting a zombie. {Indeed, it's a picture of Flik fighting a zombie.} RIKIMARU, AMADA, and FITCHER (quite drunk by now): Ooooh! VIKTOR: What's this got to do with-- {A picture of Flik standing next to a zombie.} FLIK: This is me and the zombie. RIKIMARU, AMADA, and FITCHER: Ahh! {A picture of Flik, a zombie, and Viktor.} FLIK: This is me and the zombie and ... the zombie's cousin. He's a sabbu! [VIKTOR and LUC jump up.] VIKTOR: What!?! LUC: You call this a multimedia event? This is a Magic Lantern and a bed sheet! MIKLOTOV: What on Earth is a sabbu? FLIK: Well, it's kind of like Viktor. See? {Candid shot of Viktor in the baths.} MIKLOTOV: Yes. Well... CAMUS: Very good! [KLAUS smiles.] RIOU: This could be interesting... LUC: This is disgusting. [LUC disappears.] FUTCH: Carry on! VIKTOR: Flik, what-- FLIK: Sabbu! Sing it, Pico! [ALBERTO and PICO begin to sing.] ALBERTO and PICO: Sabbu! [RIKIMARU, AMADA, and FITCHER join in drunkenly. CAMUS and FUTCH join in for fun.] RIKIMARU, AMADA, FITCHER, CAMUS, and FUTCH: Sabbu! [FLIK operates the slide show throughout the song.] ALBERTO and PICO: Boy is riding with sabbu {A picture of Riou.} RIOU: Oh! RIKIMARU, AMADA, and FITCHER: Boy is riding with sabbu CAMUS and FUTCH (at the same time as the others): Boy is riding his sabbu [RIOU blushes.] {Drawing of Riou, Amada, Viktor, and Humphrey in a canoe.} ALBERTO and PICO: Into town in his canoe RIKIMARU, AMADA, FITCHER, CAMUS, and FUTCH: Into town in his canoe ALBERTO: Sick sabbu is rowing and sneezing. PICO: Achoo moo moo, achoo moo moo, achoo moo moo, achoo moo moo, moo moo FITCHER, CAMUS, and FUTCH: Achoo moo moo, achoo moo moo, achoo moo moo, achoo moo moo, achoo moo moo, achoo moo moo, moo moo AMADA: Wait, why was I sick? FITCHER: Standing in the cold all day wearing that thing? AMADA: Ahh... {Drawing of a dragon grazing on reeds at the side of a river.} ALBERTO and PICO: Dragon chewing on bamboo [HUAN pops his head in the door.] HUAN: Excuse me? Is somebody sick? RIKIMARU, AMADA, FITCHER, CAMUS, and FUTCH: Dragon chewing on bamboo HUAN: I thought I heard somebody sneezing. KLAUS: It's okay, Doctor. You can go back to bed. ALBERTO and PICO: Can't see boy and three sabbus CAMUS: No, come have a drink with us, Dr. Huan! RIKIMARU, AMADA, FITCHER, and FUTCH: Can't see boy and three sabbus HUAN: No, I don't think-- MIKLOTOV: Leave the good doctor alone, Camus. FUTCH: But he's so pretty. [HUAN disappears.] VIKTOR: What is a sabbu? {Drawing of Viktor holding a blue cape like a security blanket.} ALBERTO: Sad sabbu is rowing and crying. VIKTOR: And why am I a sad one? PICO: Boo-hoo moo moo, boo-hoo moo moo, boo-hoo moo moo, boo-hoo moo moo, moo moo RIKIMARU: You're blue-- AMADA, CAMUS, and FUTCH: Boo-hoo moo moo, boo-hoo moo moo, boo-hoo moo moo, boo-hoo moo moo, boo-hoo moo moo, boo-hoo moo moo, moo moo FITCHER: Because Blue Boy left you? VIKTOR and FLIK: Blue Boy!?! [RIKIMARU and AMADA hold VIKTOR back from FITCHER.] ALBERTO and PICO: Sabbu! CAMUS, FUTCH, and RIOU: Sabbu! FITCHER: Whew! Better get out of here while it's safe. ALBERTO and PICO: Sabbu! VIKTOR: You-- [FITCHER runs out of the room.] CAMUS, FUTCH, RIOU, and KLAUS: Sabbu! ALL (except VIKTOR, FLIK, and HUMPHREY): Achoo moo moo, boo-hoo moo moo, boo-hoo moo moo, achoo moo moo, achoo moo moo, boo-hoo moo moo, sabbu! {Picture of Humphrey holding Bright.} ALBERTO and PICO: Dragon seen by mute sabbu FUTCH: Bright! CAMUS, RIOU, and KLAUS: Dragon seen by mute sabbu HUMPHREY: ............ {Another picture of Humphrey.} ALBERTO and PICO: Tries to tell the other two CAMUS, FUTCH, RIOU, and KLAUS: Tries to tell the other two ALBERTO: Mute sabbu is waving and grunting. PICO: Mmm-hmm mmm mmm, mmm-hmm mmm mmm, mmm-hmm mmm mmm, mmm-hmm mmm mmm, mmm mmm HUMPHERY: ............... FUTCH: Yes, I know. CAMUS, RIOU, and KLAUS: Mmm-hmm mmm mmm, mmm-hmm mmm mmm, mmm-hmm mmm mmm, mmm-hmm mmm mmm, mmm mmm [Smoke begins to pour out of the Magic Lantern.] FLIK: Uh-oh. [ALBERTO runs to help FLIK. PICO stops playing the piano.] MIKLOTOV: Wait! What happens next? [FLIK fans the Magic Lantern with his cape. The smoke seems to be clearing up.] FLIK: Um ... MIKLOTOV: Does the dragon see them? Is the mute sabbu successful in communicating the imminent danger to the other passengers? Is the boy injured? FUTCH: What? Bright wouldn't hurt anyone. VIKTOR: Why is the sad sabbu sad? AMADA: Is the canoe wood or aluminum? RIKIMARU: What's aluminum? [FLIK fumbles with the Magic Lantern.] {A picture of Flik and Bob.} FLIK: Oh look! There's me and Bob at Kobold Village! {Another candid Viktor bath shot.} RIOU: Oh... SIMONE: Wow. [FLIK covers the lens of the lantern with his cape.] FLIK: Oops. Forgot about that one. Look! {Picture of Flik and the zombie.} FLIK: There's me and that zombie again. MIKLOTOV: You can't just start a song and leave it hanging like that! CAMUS: Oh, stop it, Mik. MIKLOTOV: You know, I've come to expect a lot more from you. This is quite disappointing! I'm going to have to speak to Shu about this. FUTCH: Oh look, a sabbu! RIOU and KLAUS: Sabbu! [Everyone turns to look at the door where FUTCH is pointing. HANNA is standing there, glaring.] FUTCH: No, wait ... that's a bull dyke. HANNA: You know, we can hear you all the way in the tavern. CAMUS: Don't you like my fine singing voice, fair lady? HANNA: ............ [HANNA leaves.] HUMPHREY: ............ FUTCH: Don't even think about it! You're my sabbu! VIKTOR: WHAT IS A SABBU!?! CAMUS: Isn't it obvious? KLAUS: You are. VINCENT: A sabbu, my dear, is a big, beefy uke. [VIKTOR squeaks.] VIKTOR: Flik? [FLIK walks over to him.] FLIK: Yes? [RIOU whispers to KLAUS.] RIOU: You were right! [KLAUS nods.] VIKTOR: What is this? CAMUS: It's a fine tradition. A warrior and his comrades should serenade the woman he's courting before asking for her hand. FUTCH: Or his hand. VIKTOR: But... ... Amada? AMADA: Huh? VIKTOR: You're an uke? AMADA: Duh. You think I wear this outfit because it's practical? VIKTOR: And Humphrey? HUMPHREY: ............ [FUTCH grins. RIKIMARU turns to FLIK.] RIKIMARU: Yeah, why was Humphrey in the song? You told me I would be. FLIK: I'm sorry, I had a picture of him with a dragon... and your blue robe clashes with my cape. RIKIMARU: Well, really! Come on, Gijimu, let's go! [GIJIMU and RIKIMARU leave.] VIKTOR: You couldn't just ask me in private, Flik? FLIK: Nope, this was more potentially embarrassing for you. VIKTOR: Oh, you sweet talker, come here. [VIKTOR drags FLIK off.] RIOU: Are sabbu supposed to be pushy like that? KLAUS: They can be. CAMUS: That's what I've been trying to teach Miklotov. There's more to life than weepy ukes. [MIKLOTOV sniffs, then eyes VINCENT and SIMONE.] MIKLOTOV: And just what were you two doing here? SIMONE: Oh, really. VINCENT: Isn't it obvious? SIMONE: All those big, beautiful muscles? VINCENT: If only they'd learn fashion sense. SIMONE: They might think they are ukes-- VINCENT: But any man can be turned! [SIMONE and VINCENT sashay out.] HUMPHREY: ............ [AMADA looks at everyone else, looks back at the door SIMONE and VINCENT exited from.] AMADA: I'm getting a lock on my door. [Everyone nods. RIOU looks thoughtful.] KLAUS: Some wine, Lord Riou? [RIOU smiles.] RIOU: Yes, please. And maybe some more music, Alberto? Pico? [They party into the night.]

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Completed: 8 April 2003 Additional notes: (1) I know that Pico does not play the piano in the Suikoden 2. The piano is borrowed from the Veggietales gang. (2) I did not realize when I wrote this just how young Futch is. My apologies for breaking anyone's brain.