get some cheap laughs. With nobody's permission, actually. I know that's bad etiquette. You may slap me for that if you feel the need.
The theatre . . .
Mike: What do you think it'll be today, guys? Star Trek?
Bots: Eew!
Crow: Mike, we've got about four seconds left before this thing starts. Can't you just letus forget? For one simple-
Mulder ponders on his video collection
Tom Servo: Oh wow!
Mike: Uh-oh.
and realizes just why he dosen't need it anymore.
Tom Servo: Huh? No more . . . I mean that's just not right . . .
Crow: Could we have them then?
Mike: Crow!
Rated R for some adult themes.
Crow: Hooray!
Kris "Beast" Abel
P.S. Again, sorry about the double psoting, but that's just the way my server works.
Mike: Psotings, yes, I remember those from physics.
The Beast Of Creation, Kris "Beast" Abel
@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@
@ "Philosophy is a walk on slippery rocks @
@ Religion is a smile on a dog @
@ I'm not aware of too many things @
@ I know what I know if you know what I mean @ >
@ Do you?" @
Crow: Absolutely no frickin' clue. Servo?
Tom Servo: Um, nothing here, either. Mike, any ideas?
Mike: Sorry, fellas, not a one.
@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@
@ X-Phile, DDTeens, XF Fan-Fic, Sliders, SW of London, @
@ Dr.Ruth, Dungeon Master, Keeper of the DD FAQ, The Lunatic @
@ Mistress, Lone Gunwoman (Frohi), THE MANAGER, @
@ Vampiric Buddy, and the Verjik Sroceress. @
@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~@
Tom Servo: Oh great. Does anyone know what this means?
Mike: No, but it's got a real nice border around it.
From 0029982@gps.gp.k12.mi.us Fri Oct 18 10:47:20 1996
This story just sort of popped into my mind today as I sat home sick fiddling with stories and listening to the radio. It's a justification and an explanation of sorts for
Mulder's passion for adult videos.
Crow: Who needs to justify it? I mean, not that I watch it-er . . .
Just call me Dr.Ruth folks.;)
Mike: Shouldn't that be Dr. Ruth-Folks, with a hyphen? (Bots groan)
Disclaimer: The X-Files are the property of CC, 1013 Productions, and FOX Network. I have no right to use them, but, then again, I have no right to say write stuff like this in the first place.;)
Mike: Exactly. Shame on you.
Rated: R for topics better not discussed 'round the dinner table.
Tom Servo: Giving blood!
Mike: Shoveling manure!
Crow: Spice World!
All: Eew . . .
Dedicated to C.B. who forever amazes me with his appetite for stuff that I can't even bear to look at.
Crow: Like Spice World.
And *that's* from someone who's examined corpses before...
"If It Makes You Happy"
Tom Servo: What makes you happy, corpses? what?
By Kris "Beast" Abel
0029982@gps.gp.k12.mi.us
Flickering light illuminated the dark apartment as moans echoed in its corners
Tom Servo: Ghosts?
Mike: Ghosts in an X-Files story? I don't think so, Servo.
and from the figure sprawled across the black couch. Naked, the man was doing something he had done many times before;
Crow: Sponge-bathing in the Kool-Aid!
never really questioning if it was right or wrong.
Tom Servo: Ish, this silly Judeo-Christian ethic, oh . . .
He just knew that it brought him some happiness.
Tom Servo: (like Dolores O'Riordan) Happiness . . . where's when I was young and we didn't give a damn . . .
Mike: Servo, we still don't give a damn.
Tom Servo: Oh. Right.
Letting out a hoarse scream in sync with the couple performing the "69" on the TV screen in front of him.
Mike: What-did I miss the first half of that sentance?
With a tired sigh, he reached for the remote and clicked off the screen; leaving him bathed in darkness.
Crow: And Kool-Aid.
Grabbing a towel from the floor, the man quickly wiped away the stickiness from himself and the couch
Crow: He was sponge-bathing the couch? Blech.
before throwing on a shirt and boxers.
Mike: Wait . . . where did he throw them?
Sitting up, he ran long fingers through the sweat-soaked hair and gazed upon his seemingly only source of joy.
Crow: His brand-new Salad Shooter!
Feeling ashamed now, Agent Fox Mulder got up and walked into his kitchen where he withdrew a beer from the fridge. Popping it open, he accepted its bitter taste dutifully before collapsing once more onto the worn couch.
Tom Servo: Getting drunk is but one of many duties of a dedicated federal agent.
Mulder clicked on another remote and the radio turned on low as he curled up under a worn blanket and attempted sleep. The song playing ended and one came on that he had never heard before. It's slightly jazzy rhythm caught his attention and he strained to hear the lyrics. Startled, he caught the chorus line and listened in awe.
Tom Servo: (singing) "MacArthur Park is melting in the dark, all that sweet green icing flowing down. Someone left the cake out in the rain . . . " (Crow starts crying.)
Mike: Oh, Tom! Now look what you've done! (Comforting Crow) It's okay, Crow. It's only a song.
Crow: (sobbing) But I don't know if I can take it, Mike . . . it took so long to bake it . . . and they'll never have that recipe again! (Wails) OHHHH NOOOO!
Tom Servo: Oh, brother . . .
"If it makes you happy
It can't be that bad."
Well, the videos *did* make him happy, but only for a short time.
Mike: Although, let's face it, porno flicks in general have been pretty bad since about the late seventies.
It was a disgusting ritual he had to jack-off to an adult film, but there was no way else that he could control his hormones.
Crow: (still sniffling) Darn teenage glandular problems!
God knows he never dates anymore.
Tom Servo: Not after that embarrassing garter belt incident. Isn't that right, God?
Not when the only woman he would ever love was always close to him.... Scully. But she was out of reach. On a pedestal too high for him to climb and too beautiful for him to stain with his touch.
Crow: His attempt to stain and varnish her sideboard had ended so disastrously that she wouldn't let him anywhere near the rest of her furniture.
Besides, even if she did return his feelings, then the Bureau could break them up and they would no longer be able to work together. It was a risk that Mulder could not bring himself to take. So, for now, he bought adult vids featuring red-haired women and tried to let his imagination soothe his cravings for his partner.
Mike: His cravings for smearing his body with chocolate syrup, those he could soothe on his own.
It made him happy...in a way.
"If it makes you happy,
Then why the hell are you so sad?"
Crow: Geez, it took the story ten minutes to get to the other half of the chorus!
With a grunt of rage, he hurled the throw pillow on the couch at the radio. Damn whoever wrote this song!
Crow: Yes! I curse you, Sheryl Crow!
It was like as if someone had been spying on his most private thoughts
Crow: Damn whoever had been reading his diary!
and then sang this mocking song at him from the radio.
Crow: Damn Marconi!
The excuses that he had been telling himself over and over again for the last four years were useless! They were excuses from a cowardly man who could not find the guts to tell the woman he loved how he felt.
Mike: Scully, I . . . I DO think that dress makes you look fat!
Ashamed and angry at his inability, Mulder got up and stormed into his bedroom
Tom Servo: Powerful Hurricane Fox!
Crow: What a ridiculous name for a hurricane.
to throw on some jeans, shoes, and a jacket before running out the door.
Mike: Hey, they still didn't tell us where he threw them. What's going on?
Running down the street, he turned the corner and headed for a field located a mile away. It took him about seven minutes as the rage filled him.
Crow: In the eighth minute, he overflowed and it started to come out his ears.
Feet pounding the pavement, he hurtled the low fence surrounding the field and kept running until he reached the very center of the fields; where the lights from the city were no longer visible.
Mike: (as Mulder) Gasp, gasp . . . whoa . . . how far did I just run?
Gazing out across the moonlit sanctuary, he felt a peace invade him as he allowed himself to lay back upon the sweet-smelling grass. Clearing his mind, he began to think rationally again.
Mike: At last, after so many long years . . .
Mulder decided to use a psychiatry trick he had learned in college in England to sort out this problem. Taking a deep breath, he focused his eyes on the twinkling stars above and shut his mind to everything else. What was the problem?
Crow: He was allergic to stars.
*He loved Scully and didn't know how to tell her*
Mike: . . .that he was really a woman.
Why don't I know how?
Tom Servo: (as Mulder) Because I don't speak English.
*Because she might not feel the same* Running his mind over this last thought, he went through all the times he'd been alone with his fiery partner.
Tom Servo: And realized for the first time that Scully was a flaming lesbian. Get it? Fiery? Flaming?
Mike: Yes, Tom.
Tooms, Pfaster, Modell...times when she had been in danger and had trusted him with her career, her pride, and her life. She had made it abundantly clear to him during the cross-country UFO case in their first year as partners that she trusted no one else but him.
Mike: Running into your partner's room in your bathrobe hardly qualifies as "trusting."
But, in her eyes, would he be breaking that trust by telling her how he felt and possibly end their career together? What if she was hiding her own feelings from him for the same reasons?
Tom Servo: Or other ones . . . like not wanting him to know she thought he was a twit?
Shaking his head, Mulder rolled over onto his stomach and felt the dry grass tickled his neck as he cradled his head in his arms.
Crow: (as the grass) Goochie, goochie, goo . . .
The symphony of this field, composed of crickets and wind,
Tom Servo: heh heh . . . wind.
abated his frustrations and he began to feel how truly tired he was. Mind shutting down, he was almost asleep, when he heard the crunch of boots in the grass a few feet from him.
Mike: Okay, guys, let's recap. What's happened so far?
Tom Servo: Uhhh . . . Mulder loves Scully, so he goes to sleep in a field.
Mike: Oh. (Long pause)
Crow: And there's Kool-Aid.
Mike: (happier) Oh, well, that changes everything!
Quickly, he rolled to his feet to face the intruder.
Mike: (as cop) Sir, we'd like to ask you a few questions about a naked man throwing clothes . . .
"Mulder?" The voice wavered.
"Scully?" He said, shock in his voice. He stared stupidly at her for what seemed hours.
Crow: Duh, Scully . . . . . uh huh huh huh huh . . . .
Her hair was mussed and her eyes were puffy from crying; something she tried to hide underneath a baseball hat.
Mike: She hid her eyes underneath her baseball cap? Yeek.
She was dressed in jeans, t-shirt, and jacket as she stood there before him; biting her lower lip nervously. The rich strawberry color of them made him want to just lean over and see how sweet they tasted.
Tom Servo: So he's Hannibal Lechter all of a sudden. Nice call.
Bracing himself, he held out a hand to her. With something akin to a sob, Scully rushed forward into his arms; hugging him to her with all her might. Mulder returned the embrace as he let them fall gently to the sweet grass as he stroked her soft hair.
Tom Servo: (as Scully) Oh, Mulder, my girlfriend just left me for a marine biologist!
"Shhh. It's okay, Dana. I'm here," he whispered, removing her hat and cradling her head against his chest. She snuggled closer and curled her hands up under his chin.
"I always feel safe with you," she said clearly.
Crow: Well, despite your tendency to get abducted, beat up, drugged, or mauled by monsters, yeah. Real safe.
He pulled back to look in her eyes and smiled. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" He said.
"I don't know.
Mike: I don't think.
What are you thinking?" She asked softly, eyes bright in the moonlight.
"This," he said and bent down to gently capture her lips with his. Scully
Crow: Screamed and slapped him with all her might!
meshed her tiny hands into his hair and pulled her closer to him.
Mike: Tiny hands . . . oh, that's a low blow.
The kiss deepened and their mouths opened as tongues dueled hotly.
Tom Servo: Ah, tongues always duel hotly.
Crow: Yeah, I mean couldn't they find a more titillating metaphor? One that really brings across the slippery, sweet feeling of another person's tongue-
Mike: Crow! Where did you learn that?
Crow: Slash.
Mike: Oh. Well, I, uh . . . can't fault you for that.
Gasping for breath, the partners pulled back and held each other tight. This was what makes them happy
@~~@~~@~~@~~@~~@~~@~~
Servo: @~~@~~@~~'s make them happy?
Well, another short romantic piece from the Beast. I'm not really turning out anything serious right now as my Serious Side is devoted to a *long* story called "Little Two Hearts" right now.
Crow: Oh no. Oh God no. Please don't. Oh God.
It'll be out sometime soon so watch for it! I promise that you won't regret it.;)
Thanks and see you soon!
@~~@~~@~~@~~@~~@~~@~~
"But I saw you first."
- John Mellencamp, "Key West Intermezzo"
Mike: Look, I don't care who saw who, you kids stop arguing!
EXEUNT
The Bridge. Crow is lying on a couch. He sings (to the tune of "All That Jazz" from the musical Chicago)
Crow: Come on down, I've got a porno flick- and all that crap!
I'm gonna see things that make normal people sick- and all that crap!
Watch as I try to deny my love
By doing things you'll wish had never been thought of
And on the radio I'll hear a song I know and all- that- crap!
(Mike stands up from behind the counter. He has a guitar and wears a long wig and an Indian-print dress over his jumpsuit.)
Mike (singing, badly) Well if it makes you happy
Maybe you're just a total loser with no life
And if it makes you happy
Then you're a liar because you suck
Crow: (sings again) Damn that sing, and damn Marconi too- and all that crap!
It's Scully I love, and no-one else will do- and all that crap!
Watch as I run several miles away
To escape the thought that I'm a loser- hey,
It's ardor that I feel but I can't really deal with all- that- crap.
(Gypsy enters)
Gypsy: (singing) Ohhhhh- how could he know his love is way out here? -and all that crap.
Ohhhhh- he holds his Scully very very dear -and all that crap.
Showwwww him how his little girlie
Who makes his head all tilt-a-whirlie
Loves him too, so he won't go through with all- that- crap.
(Tom Servo enters, in a red wig and wearing a navy-blue suit.)
Tom Servo: (sings) Mulder I'm madly in love with you- and all that crap!
That's why you're in this field, and I'm stuck out here too- and all that crap!
Watch as our tongues oh so hotly duel
Try not to think Chris Carter is a real big tool
'Cuz we just had to wait until season eight to do- that-
(spoken) Gol-dang it, Mulder, can't you see I love you madly?
Crow: Yes, Scully! And I love you too! All your hair and your girlfriends and your little hands-
Tom Servo: Little hands? LITTLE?!
Crow: Uh-oh.
Tom Servo: (holding a gun) Nobody calls my hands little, pal!
BANG!
Crow: Sculleeeee . . .
Tom Servo: Oh don't you Scully me, you son of a bitch!
BANG! BANG!
Tom Servo: (sings again) Oh, I'm no-one's bot and
Oh, I like that a lot
And all- that- crap!
All: THAT CRAP!
Mike: What'd ya think, sirs?
END
"The excuses that he had been telling himself over and over again for the last four years were useless!"