It's the 4th day of August today. And the 4th day that Megan has been here. And let me tell you people, she is better then I could have ever dreamed. She is more beautiful then I could have ever imagined. She has the best eyes I have ever seen. A smile that is to die for. A great personality and sense of humor. She is truly my dream woman. I'm glad that she is here. And I'm glad that we finally get the chance to do what every other couple gets to do. It's been a long time coming and we deserve it more then I thought we did. There is so much more that I could say about her, but I wouldn't know where to start, or how to word it exactally, so I'll just sum this up with this...the feeling's that I have had for anyone in the past, even Laura, seem like meer little 5th grade relationships, crushes, and/or love when compared to what I feel for Megan. And Meg, hunny, it's just you and me, no one else, for the rest of our lives. Always remember that! Well, that's all for now, I'll talk to you all later. Peace
8-7-01
As of right now, I am very very pissed. I just tried to leave an entry for today, and I got a god damn error message. Let me tell you, they shit that I had down here, it was long, and took a little while to write. But wish me luck, because I am gonna try and remember what I wrote.
Just a little over 3 hours ago Megan left me to go home. It really was the worst end to the best week of my mortal life. I had more fun with her then I have ever had with any person before. She is perfect for me. And we are perfect for eachother. Which made it that much harder to let her get on that plane and leave me here alone again. In the last week I realized that I have feelings for her stronger then I have ever had feelings for anyone before my entire life. Not Laura, or Lenae, and especally not Amanda (who might I add is a total and complete ignorant dumbass). I said a couple entries ago that this would be a good test of our love, and let me tell you, it was. I think I has proven to both of us that we love eachother more then we ever thought we had before. I know this much is true for me at least. I know some of you are probably thinking that I am just a stupid teenager who doesn't know what love really is. Well, if you're saying that right now, then the joke is on you. I know what love is, I know what I feel for Megan, and it is much stronger then anything I have ever felt before in my life. I know this because we have been through everything but children together, and here we are today, still as in love as the first time we actually realized that there was something between us. Over this past week I have learned that the person that you are supposed to be with for the rest of forever is the one who stands by you through all your stupid decisions and mistakes, and never once feel's anything less the complete love for you. This is how it is with Megan and I. And so I know that we are made for each other. With that final thought I will leave all your avid venom sufferers to your thoughts. Until next time, peace.
8-11-01
Well all you avid readers (the whole one of you)...after thinking about it for a long time I have made the decision to make this my last entry. And I also regret saying that my site will be shut down probably by the end of this month. I really have no good reason as to why...It's just something I'm tired of doing. It's not like anyone read's this anyway. I know Megan does, but she's like the only one. And I tell her everything anyway, so this is really quite a waste of time for me.
I may add one more entry telling exactally when I plan on getting rid of it. But until then, it's been fun everyone (Meg), and if there are any objections to me closing down...please let me know...your input will be welcomed. Peace
8-11-01
As some of you may know...my dream was to become a shrink and help people with problems. I mean hell, I do it enough, why not get a little piece of paper that say's that I can do it for money? Well lately I have been thinking, every time I let someone tell me their problems, I take a part of their hell and throw it in the mix with my own. If I can hardly deal with my own pain, then how the fuck am i supposed to deal with anyone elses? So I won't major in psychology now, I'll probably go back to my first decision...meteorology. That or become some kinda god damn computer programer. They make good money. I just can't deal with everyone's shit...I have to worry about my own first. Sure, I'll still help friends in need. And I'll still make time for whoever needs it. But I can't be overloaded with everything anymore. It's taken it's toll. Okay, enough rambeling. I'll end this on a good note. Tomorrow is the love of my life's birthday. So Megan, Happy Birthday baby, I know how you've been looking forward to this for so long. Well that's all, Peace.
8-12-01
Well, I just realized that I had 2 entries yesterday. Cool huh? Anyway, let me start out by saying HAPPY BIRTHDAY MEGAN! Okay, had to get that outa the way. My uncle and little cousin are here from Iowa for a couple days. They came to the the Eagles concert at "Invesco Field at Mile High" (gay ass name) Anyway I guess they are leaving tomorrow. I am thankful for that, having people in the house for 2 weeks isn't exactaly stress free. I mean, I could stand having Megan here for 2 weeks, but not my cousin. I guess that's all for now, see ya next time. Lates.
8-29-01
Well, it happened for the second time this month. Megan and I have gone our seperate ways. I'm not sure for how long this time, but as sad as it may seem, this feels like the final one. I fucking told her last time that if we were to split up again, then that would be it, we wouldn't be getting back together. I can't take it anymore ya know. I only really ask one think of her...and that for her to commmunicate with me, but that is too much to ask now. That is why we are not together anymore. How can you keep a relationship going (especally a long distance one) without communication. Up until lastnight, she had told me everything that was on her mind...or just in general. But lastnight, something changed. She wouldn't tell me. She knows that she'd feel better if she'd just get it off her chest, but no, she keeps it bottled up, like I use to do. Then she gets even more depressed then she already is, and her pills stop doing their job, then she pulls out her little blade and cuts again. Not something I can live with ya know? True, I love the girl to death, but a person can only take so much, even if love is invloved. It is my regret that I am not as strong as I'd like to be, strong enough to deal with this. But I am not that strong, and probably never will be.
Second thing on my mind. What the hell is wrong with me. I know that I have a great person who loves me, yet I can't help from wonder about what would have been... It's the same ol' story. Boy starts having feelings for girl...girl doesn't share feelings and/or is in love with another person. Boy know's that he is 100 times better then boy 2 that girl is in love with, but will never get a chance to prove it because of people and things holding both of them back. Wondering if girl even think's about boy like boy thinks about girl is all boy ever thinks about. Knowing he missed his chance and he is a dumbass boy trys to forget this foreign feelings invaiding his being, but can't. Okay, maybe not the classic story, but I hope you can get the picture. If you can't...sorry, write me an e-mail and I'll give you the full version with names and all. The point I am trying to make here is that life is fucked up. You spend your entire life thinking "what if..." not my idea of a happy life. For example...you get 2 job offers right out of college...one pays $10,000 a year more then the other, so naturally you take job one. A few days...months...years later...you realize that job one was the worst mistake you've ever made. It is hell in a cubical. The person that took what you would have done at job 2 claims he has the best job ever. You're now thinking "what if..." and wishing you could go back and change it. Well, I know I have those kinda feelings. I know that if I could change 1 thing...just one fucking thing for myself...I would have been able to avoid a huge mistake or 2 that I've made. But no, I chose the path I did, and am paying out the ass for it now in many more ways then one. Alright, this entry has been too long, so I'm leaving now. Lates.