So this isn't a happy update, not at all. I haven't cut since Wednesday, but it's going to happen soon. Not that any one really cares. I've already had this discussion with Justine and Megan Roeller, but here it is for the rest of you. And if you get pissed off by what I have to say, well then sorry, but I don't feel I'm wrong here...
Wednesday was probably the second most worst day of my life. The first being the day the love of my life had her little bitch call me in Iowa. Anyway... Grace called the cops on me, as I'm sure you all know, and for me it felt like maybe someone really did care enough to have me around. Well, since that day, I've talked to Grace once, and she was too busy with herself to pay any attention to me. You would think, if a person cared that much weather you lived, or died, they would atleast CALL you SOMETIME to make sure everything is going well. But who has called me since then just to make sure I'm okay? NO ONE! Who has cared enough to just check up on me? Only two people really. Justine calls me every night, and Megan Roeller used to e-mail me a lot, though she hasn't done so in a couple of days now.
So really, it only FEELS like everyone cares when I shove my bullshit directly in their faces, so they have no choice but to see me, and when I'm not right up in anyones "grill" I'm ignored like I don't exist. And since I don't exist most of the time, why did you stop me on Wednesday Grace?
8-24-05
Well, my day was exciting, how about everyone else's? Lets recap. I woke up this morning to Justine's phone call, at 9 something, asking if I wanted her to come over. I, still being asleep, said she should just go home if she wasn't feeling well. And this is where the day becomes so perfect!
Left alone to my own vices, I decided to get online, and stupid me decided to read the journal of the woman who I LOVE more then ANYTHING in this world. Well, she's heartless, and selfish, and...fucking evil. She wrote about how perfect Keegan is, and how not perfect I was. It's a load of shit, because she used to say the same about me, so watch you back Keegan. Anywho... Reading this makes the tears, and of course, the cutting happen (see below). Surface scratches as always, just deeper, and longer, more blood...you know the drill. Along with slicing my arm open as much as I could bring my self to, I started having the thoughts that generally come along with such an act. You know the, I'm worthless, no one loves me, I hate myself, I hate Kendra for lying, and being so selfish. Yada, yada, yada. I'm still online through this, and Jennifer IM's me. I tell her what I'm feeling, and she tells me she's gonna have someone come be with me, or the cops come be with me, and then she suddenly leaves. Grace gets online, and I tell her the same as I told Jen. Grace, took it a step farther, and she did call the police. I of course was in denial that she did (though I knew it was coming, I changed my shirt and everything)! After talking with her so long, she started asking very rehearsed questions, that was kinda my first clue, I was in denial though. And not 5 minutes later, ding dong! So, I get two police, a hand full of firemen, and two EMT's giving me all the unwanted attention a depressed person wants! But wait, that's not the end!
I was placed under arrest for a mandatory 72 hour watch and evaluation, given a ride to the hospital in an ambulance ((amblyance for one of you) 500 bucks only gets you about 5 to 10 miles these days). I got to shoot the shit with the lady EMT though, she was nice. I was admitted, given some "bling" asked a bunch of questions, forced to wear ER scrubs, and then they pulled out the needles! First, they took 4 tubes out of me, and then, I guess they thought I was a little low, so they filled me with a tetanus shot! How nice! About a half hour later, I got to talk to a counselor, told her all about Kendra and I (she thinks Kendra is hiding something, and has some major issues with herself). She gave me a referral to a long term counselor, and sent me on my way.
My parents were on their way to central city for a night away from the kids and the stress, but rushed back home when they got my message that I was on my way to the hospital. Sorry mom and dad! So now they are freaked as well. I had to throw away all my blades, and they went through my written journal thing, in which I write the letters to Kendra you all read.
Did any of it help, yeah, a little. I felt a lot better about things right afterwards, but I got home, and started thinking about the one who deserves no thoughts. And it drove me right back into being depressed. Envy me one and all.
What did I learn from all of this? Well, not a whole lot I didn't already know. First, I learned I can live with a blood pressure of 166 over 120, which is extremely elevated. Second, I have better friends then I thought. Third, the longer I go without the answers I so desperately need, the worse I'm going to get, even if I have counseling. So, who is willing to help me get my answers? Any takers? Sign my guest book and let me know, and then I'll explain further.
Lastly, a message to Grace...
Before the cops took me away, I noticed you had said "please don't hate me." I do not hate you Grace, I'm not exactly happy, but I do not hate you. I understand why you did it, I think, because I've done it as well. I've always done it out of love for my friends, and even enemies. I hope your motives are the same, and not from fear of my words. I want to thank you for caring enough to do with you did, not many people have the balls to call the police on a friend, so I know how hard it is. I only ask that you, and Justine, and Jennifer, and Megan Smith, and Megan Roeller, stick by me through what will be very hard times ahead. I'm obviously going to need all the help I can get. I love you Grace.
8-24-05
It's getting worse...more blood, deeper, longer...less pain...
8-21-05
I said last week that I had started down a path I haven't taken in many years. I'm further down it now, and It's not getting any better, or easier. I don't bleed that much, but it's not from lack of trying. Everyone says they care, and I love them all so much for that. But the one person who should care, doesn't. Hoenstly everyone, thank you so much for trying to help, I need all of you in my life, you do help, but I need her. Just like Megan Roeller told me last night, Kendra has brought about a bunch of amazingly good changes in me, and I need her back. She was the driving force of everything good in me. I need her to care, I need her to love. Please don't take this the wrong way anyone, but I just need her. I'm so sorry...
Looking back at me I see
that i never really got it right
I never stoped to think of you
I'm always wraped up in things I cannot win
You are the antidote that gets me by
something strong
like a drug that gets me high
What I really meant to say
Is I'm sorry for the way I am
I never meant to be so cold
I never meant to be so cold to you
And I'm sorry about all the lies
Maybe in a different light
you could see me stand on my own again
Cause now I can see
You were the antidote that got me by
Something strong like a drug that got me high
What I really meant to say
Is I'm sorry for the way I am
I never meant to be so cold
I never meant to be so cold
I never really wanted you to see
The screwed up side of me that I keep
Locked in side of me so deep
It always seems to get to me
I never really wanted you to go
So many things you should have known
I guess for me there's just no hope
I never meant to be so cold
What I really meant to say
Is I'm sorry for the way I am
I never meant to be so cold
I never meant to be so cold
~Crossfade "Cold"
8-11-05
I launched my "Letters to Kendra" section yesterday. And tonight, I started down a terrible path that I haven't taken in many years. Justine was supposed to help me with something tonight, but had a curfew so it didn't get done. Being upset I started thinking. Thinking leads to bad actions, and I took one tonight. I miss her too much, and tonight, my sorrow and lonelyness came to a boiling point... I'm scared to think of what I might do next. For years I have avoided this, and I've fought with so many people who have done it to themselves, but tonight, I lost myself, I've taken a step back in being me. And it's because she helped me be me...