It is done. It was a quick event, atleast from my vantage point. I shouldn't have gone, but I went anyway. She was a beautiful bride (even if I don't like her dress). I just wish she had been my beautiful bride...
All I have now, or will ever have, are my memories...
The memories of her laugh, her smile, her personality, her attitude, and her heart...
I will always miss her, and love her in some way....
8-5-2006
Today is the day...
Today I realized that everything I wrote last night was bullshit. I need to be happy for Kendra, no matter how I feel about the situation, and how it came to be. She may have lied, and hurt me, but she's happy now, and I should be happy for her.
I may end up being miserable for the rest of my life, and I may miss her forever, but I can only be happy that she is...
But I can't be when every fiber of my body hurts so badly. I know I'll never have anything like that in my life. I know I'll never have anyone to hold at night for the rest of my life. I know I'll be alone. She was my hope for a better life...the best life I could imagine myself having...
I'll just try to remember her smile...
8-4-06
Well, tomorrow is the day...
I saw Kendra and "him" yesterday. He was nice enough to "wave" as they drove by. I doubt Kendra saw it, because it looked like his hand was under the bottom of the window. I just hope I see his special "wave" again someday soon, say, tomorrow.
Tomorrow will be impossibly hard...
It's fucking stupid I know, I love her still, even though she treated me so badly at the end. I always look past that for some reason. I spent over year with her as her best friend, boy friend, and lover. I spent a couple of years as her friend. I saw parts of her that I don't think he's seen yet, I mean, he's only known her a year... I never knew she had the type of personality that would allow her to knowingly hurt someone as much as she did me though...
Tomorrow is the end...
I've been wondering if I should put my true feelings here, both from a biased and non-biased point of view. I know that tomorrow, she's going through with it one weather or not I say what I feel... My only hold back now is the fact that we still talk, and that she kind of helps me get through the hard times still. I don't want to lose that, but knowing that she has gone through with it may hurt me so much that I will never talk to her again... So I will put my true feelings here...
Non-biased:
A teenager getting married after knowing a guy for only a year, that's stupid. If they even think they know each other, they are wrong. After a year or two of living together, their root personalities will come out and things probably will change. I can't say that the change will be for the worse, but I can't say they'll be for the better either. She is so smart, I cannot believe she would rush into something so blind, so stupidly. (BTW: My friend Joe is getting married the week after Kendra, he too is only 19, and he has known his "wife" for longer, but is still stupid for getting married at 19).
Biased:
Of course I have a biased opinion on the matter, I'm still in love with her. And that's pretty much all my biased opinion consists of, my still loving her. I feel she can do better, because that guy is a fucking asshole. Part of me feels that he doesn't deserve her, and the other part of me feels that they deserve each other. But all-in-all, I still love her, that's why I hate this so fucking much.
When our relationship first ended, both Kendra and her father gave me the bullshit excuse that her and I were going in different directions in life. I knew it was a lie, and I tried to argue it, but now there is no argument. I knew that she wasn't happy with her major, and that she would probably change it. I knew that school wouldn't always be the priority she made it out to be. I knew that school wasn't holding her back from a relationship with me, and that going over seas, and going to Nebraska meant she had to be free from a relationship. If you look at it now, our lives were headed in the same direction for the most part. She was in a relationship while in Ireland and Nebraska, and she did change her major. Her life changed like I knew it would, but I was told over and over that we were moving in different directions. It was bullshit. She has ended up going where I saw her (and "us") going from the begining...
Tomorrow she gets married...
I know where the wedding will be, I just don't know when. I don't know if I should attend as an uninvited guest, view from afar, or just avoid it altogether. I know what her dress looks like, and while it wouldn't be my first choice, I still think she'll be a beautiful bride (that's the love talking again). I know a lot of trouble can come from my actions tomorrow, and almost no good. I hate this position, I hate being miserable, while she is so happy after having hurt me so much. I hate that I almost had to die for her to be happy.
I got all that off my chest, and I still feel like shit...
I'm sorry everyone for taking up so much of your time...
Please don't hate me Kendra...